And now make welcome to the stage the wonderful Lauren Pattison! I’m so excited to be here. This is my first time in Australia Thank you for being thoroughly underwhelmed by this I am more than excited for all of us I promise my mom’s very worried though . This is the furthest I’ve ever been from home, so she’s like they’d better be looking after you they better be looking after my baby over there there lately I look really young I always get called cute and Sweet and adorable, and I hated that when I was a teenager when I was at university you want and ago I wanted to attract boys. I hated being called cute sweet and adorable and my friends were like babe Why does it bother you? Babies are cute Puppies are sweet Kittens are adorable and everyone loves them Lauren. I was like yeah Everyone loves them no one wants to fuck any of them do they? And the kind of people who do are not the kind of people I would like to associate with I’ve always felt quite insecure with my looks I’ve always felt quite plain, and I never thought there was anything I could do about that But there is there is something you can do if you feel plain you can just start to cover yourself in sequins Yea, exactly! How can you ever feel plain when your vagina is literally a disco ball you can’t! I don’t mind, being plain, I feel alright with it. That’s how I look that’s fine I can make myself feel better with sequins like a little costume. My flatmates are boys, they do not understand They be like hang on. You think your plain? yeah, that’s it. I think I’m plain, and they just stared at us And then my flatmate went, right plain Like a scone? My second flatmate jumped straight in and went. Why didn’t you just open with that Lauren that makes so much more sense What do you mean I didn’t realise I was plain like a scone. He went, well yeah, think about it if I came home from a night out really drunk really steaming And I went in my bedroom and on my bed waiting for me was just a plain scone I’d not be thrilled Lauren, but I’d definitely settle for it But you can’t talk to me like that that’s not a compliment. He went, oh sorry There’s loads of good things about being the plain scone The plain scone goes with absolutely anything I was like, not a compliment! not a compliment I think it’s very important to be the first person to fully love how I look because I’m sort of single for the first time as an adult I think I’ve got to be more confident in my own skin so that other people Want to hang out with us I think confidence is the most attractive? Thing it’s quite weird I’ve never been single as an adult I had a long-term boyfriend And then I moved from the north of England to London the best part of 400 miles, and he went yeah We’ll be fine Absence makes the heart grow fonder That’s a lie isn’t it No it doesn’t an absence did not make that boy’s heart grow fonder absence just made these dick wander. That’s all that happened In that situation. I was like I’m not gonna be upset I’m not, I’m gonna get myself out there in a new city new chapter of my life So I got straight on the dating apps, I’ve never felt better. I’ve never felt so empowered As a 23 year old adult on a dating app for the first time I could decide I was too good for someone I’ve never had that power I could decide I was too attractive for someone, I could decide someone wasn’t worth 60 seconds of my time and I could make all these decisions while I was having a shit, I have never felt Never felt more glorious I’m not particularly fussy either, there was nothing specific I was looking for, I was like you know what? I just want a man who’s got like nice eyes. That’s all That’s not too much to ask is it? like a man whose eyes really make me heart melt That’s all I want. And after a week on dating apps I was like Never mind a man whose eyes make me heart melt Just a man whose eyes point the same way That would be, that would be nice. I was too scared to meet anybody; and i’ll leave you with this because my mum says I’m too naive, and I’m too trusting, and I always see the best in people; I was like how is that a bad thing? And then I realised when I was sort of going out try and meet people off dating apps I realised she’s got a point cause one story came back in my head. And I’ll leave you on this, you’ve been lovely, as at the Edinburgh festival last summer And I went to my accommodation really late at night, just about to check in, open my bedroom door to find mice everywhere And I was like oh, I’m not staying here I can’t spend a month here, no way. So I try to ring all my friends, they’re asleep I tried to book a hotel there booked, in my desperation. I went to Twitter can anyone in Edinburgh Give me a bed for the night, my room is full of mice, Please help me. One person, complete stranger no profile picture and all his message said was, I’ve got a bed for you sunshine I was like thank you, @spunkymonkey69! That’s what I’m after! And off I went, and I stayed with him and if any of you think this story takes a turn He was a gent. He put us up in the spare room did us breakfast in the morning three sausages not one of them was his dick. gentleman Proper gent And I rang my mum the next day, she didn’t see the same side I’ve never heard her so angry she’s screaming, she’s like Laura Pattison! Do you know how stupid you are? I was like Mum, I’ve got two degrees and they’re both in drama. I am well aware How stupid I am She went, tell me what could have happened? You went to stay with a stranger just because there was a mouse in your room you went to stay with someone off the internet just because there was a mouse in your room. You didn’t tell anyone where you were going just because there was a mouse in your room Tell me what could have happened? And it clicked Ma’am I’m so sorry, but tell me what could of happened? He could of had a mouse as well couldn’t he? Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve been Lauren Pattison, you’ve been lovely! Thank you!