Anecdota

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Love Lust And Laughter - Guest Dr. Charlie Glickman



progessive everybody this is your host of love lust and laughter dr. Diana Wiley and dr. Charlie Glickman is back on June the 18th we spoke about somatic sex coaching fascinating interview archived of course some of you know how to access it through my website dr diana wiley calm but of course you can go through the PRN website as well dr. Charlie Glickman is a sex and relationship coach he's an educator as we mentioned somatic sex coaching and body worker and anyway Charlie doesn't really good work and does a lot of really good work and I'm so glad you're back hello Charlie hi Diana it's a pleasure to be back on the show and now I'm not hearing you very well but maybe it's just my phone um can you get a little closer to your speaker or maybe I don't know what let's yeah I've got my mic right up in front of me okay that's a little better so today Charlie and I wanted to talk about common concerns that come with that many of his clients present with and I think we're gonna mainly focus on a couple of them but if there's time we'll look at more but checking out during sex is one common concern and receiving sensual touch and of course there are overlaps between those two things a lot so wouldn't you agree Charlie dr. Charlie I guess n't yeah I definitely do I you know there are quite a few questions or concerns that show up in people's sex lives and relationships that some come from similar root causes even if they express themselves very differently Charlie you're still kind of quiet maybe the producer can cut in and tell me that it's okay I'm a New York ends at the end of things if he can hear you all right maybe it's my own hearing but I don't think so cause usually I hear hear things well anybody will just continue and make sure you're projecting dr. Charlie cause you have yeah Fortin thing how does it say any better well I say a little more okay I'm not sure if this is any better today all right well we'll go on and just see how it goes I'll talk I'll try to talk about although I'm holding the phone right next to me okay okay yeah all right so be checking out during sex prevents letting go during sex which is really really important letting go and and I've got four things that help a lot of people let go but but why don't you introduce how it goes first how it goes with your clients and of what about they're checking out during sex what what are some of the reasons sure well so I think I want to start this by explaining what I mean when I use the term checking out because you're people use that to mean a few different things when I'm when I'm talking about it I'm mostly referring to when people aren't feeling fully present in their bodies and maybe they're getting distracted maybe they're thinking about something else like oh I need to paint the ceiling or I don't remember to pass the groceries tomorrow no you're not fully engaged and present in the experience it's sort of like the phenomenon of you know watching TV and you know flipping through Facebook or Instagram on your phone at the same time you're not really doing either of those things with all of your attention but I think it's also important to remember that sometimes checking out is the result of past experiences of painful sex or sexual trauma or challenges in the relationship you know if you're feeling resentment towards your partner you know you might find yourself checking out during sex because that's the basically you're trying to grit your teeth and get through it right but but one of the ways that you can tell when you're checking out is that it doesn't really feel like you're fully there no you're distracting yourself you're focusing on something other than what you and your partner are doing maybe you keep bringing up other things like you'll be in the middle of having sex and sudden you know you'll say something like oh yeah I forgot to tell you I got the oil change on the car today you those are all signs that you might be checking out during the experience yeah it distractions come in very handy if you don't really want to be there but I think it's important to realize that things don't distract us we distract ourselves and we've got all of these and of course the most difficult person going through this is often one who's had trauma exploitation mistreatment that they've suffered around sexuality and you've touched out and already especially if that has happened with their partner you know because sometimes our partners have crossed our own boundaries whether they did it knowingly or not or you know maybe we're still upset because of the like that happened yesterday but now you know your partner wants to have makeup sex and your body isn't really ready for that so if the your body isn't ready for it you're not motivated it may be that some of your nerves even aren't in the right place art it risked especially for a woman I would say more than men but I'd like to check this out with you that woman's desire is responsive rather than spontaneous so she she needs to really be there in her mind as well as her body yeah I think that is true to a degree I've certainly talked with men who have a responsive pattern or women who have a spontaneous pattern but it does seem to be pretty true that you know folks who have a responsive pattern if you are checking out during sex then there's a lot less likelihood that you're going to get the kind of stimulation that you need because you need to be able to respond to your partner having said that I have certainly talked to people who have spontaneous patterns and for them checking out might include increasing the intensity of the stimulation so you know maybe I have a spontaneous pattern but I'm not really into you having sex with my partner in this particular moment or this experience and so I'll amp it up by you know like the more the more intense like hard pounding intercourse or like really intense dirty talk or maybe even using alcohol or other drugs as a way of like overcoming that hesitation so there are definitely ways that people with spontaneous patterns can check out but it does frequently look a little bit different yes yes if a woman can't stop thinking about household chores or feels unattractive I think we need to talk about body image or can't stand her partner's breath yeah those those feelings maybe not so much in these cases heard her biology but these feelings may be the basis of her lack of desire yeah I think they're absolutely right and I think that sexual medical practitioners you know particularly medical doctors sometimes forget that what looks like a libido issue or an arousal issue might actually be a relational issue yeah if somebody if somebody has multiple sexual partners that can be a little easier to tease out because they might be able to say oh yeah this is an issue with partner a but not partner B yes if you only have one partner it's hard to differentiate between those two things aha yeah so I tend to I tend to see clients with one partner some of the women are wishing that they could not have a monogamous relationship anymore and then we have to talk about that the women and we're finding more and more there's a there's a book called untrue by Wednesday Martin is fascinating and the book is all about female sexual desire and how it's rather robust and a lot of women have trouble with monogamy and it we you know the culture that we've lived in for so long influences that but a lot of women do have trouble with us yeah well and the thing that they get bored in yeah y-yeah exactly and that's one of the things that's important in that is that when we're talking about non-monogamous relationships that can be everything from you know my partner and I occasionally have a threesome with somebody else you a full on yeah I have this you know boyfriend over here and this girlfriend over there and these other people who I see when I'm in town on business it's so there's this whole range of ways that people can have more than one partner and one of the blessings and one of the challenges of non monogamy is figuring out what pattern is going to work for you because people are different and in your work you you you will help your client with that sort of thing if that's on her or his agenda yeah I definitely do and part of it is figuring out what they think they might want and then finding ways to experiment and explore and then you know once they've had that experience how do you integrate what you've learned back into your sex life and so it's actually not too different from your the way science works right you have an experiment you find out what the results are and then you use that to design your next experiment yeah I don body-image but I'd like to circle back to that because especially well I in fact I don't think I've had a male client be so worried about body image but I do have plenty of female clients and I think in terms of letting go it's important to let go of how your body used to be you know yeah none of us are getting any younger and you know I know for a fact that I have parts that used to be firmer high or smaller and they aren't now and so I've accepted that and my husband my lover accepts it too and I think that energy that some people some women especially put into sucking in their stomachs holding your butt pretending you don't look exactly the way you do is energy taken away from good sex that you should be could be could be having oh yeah it's absolutely true you you can't you can't relax that you're trying to hold in your gut and relaxation is the foundation of your erotic response and part of why I say that your honor on sort of a macro level right if you're so busy holding yourself rigid you know you're not going to be as open to the sexual sensations and and interactions but also you a sexuality or sexual response on a neurological level requires both excitement and relaxation you need to have the balance of the two and the more relaxed you are ironically the more room there is for the excitement so the relaxation is sort of the foundation for the sexual experience and so when I'm working with folks around these kinds of concerns you know body image if I think you're right Diana the hot body image is one of those that it has a lot more to do with how we perceive ourselves than how people perceive us and you know we do know that have a general rule you know women do tend to be far more critical of their own bodies than their partners are whether their partners are male or female that's not to say that there aren't partners who who bring in some of those body shaming messages because there certainly are but okay you know as a general rule and one of the things that I find so interesting about it if we're talking about heterosexual couples in particular is how often women will say to me oh well you know I need to get my hair done and I need to get my eyebrows done and all of these different things and then they turn around and complain that their boyfriends or husbands don't even notice and so there's this weird mixture of I'm sure he notices everything oh wait he's not actually noticing any of that he's not actually noticing what he's not area man noticing any of it yeah oh okay yeah if he doesn't notice when you get a new hairstyle or when your nails are a different color or when you're wearing a new lingerie is he really likely to notice if you gain a few pounds probably not but women have trouble believing that so happy to have you they're naked and interested they're not thinking about your possible chubby thighs or your possible drooping breasts they not thinking about it yeah not not early as often as women do I say that again not nearly as often as women often do yes and a study was done long time ago that showed that women thought that their men thought that they should be actually 5 pounds less than they were and when they interviewed the man the men didn't think so in this particular study it was a small study but yeah so our self-image often collides with what our our lover is is thinking and and I think this ties into another problem that about letting go and that is that there are some women worried about what a partner will think of you later you know not really realizing that we all look silly at times during sex if we're really enjoying ourselves and and if we and our partner are fortunate and we'll during sex perhaps squeal and beg and perhaps even fart and suck and demand and drool and lose track of time space and so I think decide before you begin that that is okay and even talk about that you know we're back to good communication with your partner talk about it or don't bother taking off your clothes if yeah yeah I think a good communication and also we're talking about bringing a level of play into it now when you watch people playing whether it's children or adults if they're genuinely having fun you they're not worried about what their faces are doing if you see somebody who's having a great time on the ski slopes you know and they've got a big grin on their face and you know they don't really care in that moment you know that somebody else might look at them and think they look goofy but they're having too much fun and I think that it's unfortunate that for a lot of people as adults that we leave our capacity for fun and that that has a big impact on our sex lives in ways that I don't think many people really pay much attention to can you expand on that point a bit sure well I think some of it is that we're still influenced by that Puritan cultural tradition that says you know you're not allowed to have fun until you get all of your chores finished yeah and your values mm-hmm yeah and the chores are never going to get finished there's always laundry to do or you know a floor to sweep or dishes to put away or whatever it is but I think a lot of it is that as we get as we become adults you people keep telling us well it's time to grow up and buckle down and you know do this and that and the other thing and and there's truth to that right there is a time to transition into adulthood and take some of that on but when we lose our capacity for playfulness you know sex becomes either very very serious or it becomes kind of boring near the whole notion of yeah let's let's try sex toy let's try this let's try that you know that's an element of playfulness that that I think is worth cultivating in your life generally you know I think it's worth asking yourself when was the last time I did something just for fun you know when oh yeah last time I went on a hike because I want wait I didn't quite hear that when was I heard when was the last time I did something just for fun and then I did hear their work so for example when was the last time I went on a hike just because I wanted to be outside rather than because I wanted to burn some calories and lose weight you know when was the last time I went out dancing or to a concert or something you know just because I enjoy it and when we start cultivating fun as something that we can do in our daily lives that starts to have real positive impact on our sex lives because you know if you're serious six and a half days out of the week and then it's you know Saturday evening and you want to have sex with your partner you're going to be out of practice for being playful yes it's unfortunate that and and in my experience men get into this more than women because if they have any sexual dysfunction perhaps its erectile dysfunction or a premature ejaculation they'll get into some performance anxiety and then is sex becomes well we have a job to do here and there's no play and relaxation and laughing I mean ideally and I know we're on the same page here Charlie ideally sex is play it's the highest order of play when it's done when it's done with toys or dressing up or not necessarily having having to have sex have a beginning a middle and an end and maybe it's not just intercourse maybe there's plenty of outercourse in fact I think that's often essential for more playful sex because it can take away that's what the sense a focus exercises of course are about it takes away from the pressure some men feel about actually penetrative sex yeah I couldn't agree more you're the the focus that so many people have men and women have on erections being necessary for sex or being necessary for pleasure or or any of those things um it becomes a chore and I've talked with I don't even know how many men and I know you have to Diana you know guys who are convinced that oh you know if I'm not fully erect the entire time we're naked then I'm a failure as a man and and the irony is that anxiety causes both erection difficulties and early ejaculation and from a from a bio major right from a biological perspective that actually makes sense because you know if I'm walking through the woods and a bear suddenly starts chasing me a nun in danger that is not the time to have an erection that's the time to fight her life and the difficulty is that our bodies can't tell the difference between the adrenaline that happens because we're being chased by a bear and the adrenaline that happens because you know my boss dropped a project on my desk at you know 4:30 on a Friday and and same thing the reason why anxiety causes early ejaculation I don't like calling it premature because we don't have a good definition of how long sex is supposed to last right same thing right if I'm you know walking out and if I'm an animal walking through the woods and there's an opportunity to mate but I'm not sure that I'm 100% safe here that bear might show up I'm going to want to get it over with as quickly as possible so that I'm not in danger so you that's why I don't necessarily think of these things as sexual dysfunctions sometimes they are functional responses to dysfunctional situations that's true if you know you're talking about wanting to get it over with as soon as possible I have a very vivid memory of being in Africa with a former husband and and there was we came upon these two lions mating they made all the time but this one male lion had a really bloody nose and so we we watched them from our little vehicle and he was done in about 60 seconds and I guess the female wasn't so pleased because she turned around and walked him on his nose with her paw so he had a bleeding nose he didn't look very happy but I think that's the reason that they have often have rapid ejaculation because they're in Africa they might have some other not so much the lion but but because they're kind of kings right but um but there's but yeah they're vulnerable when they're having sex yes they're more vulnerable and having sex yes and so receiving sensual touch is very hard I saw a client earlier today I'm gonna call him Bob and we've had several sessions and he was sexually abused by an older brother and so when he and his fiancee do and I'm mainly helping him with the sexual abuse and overcoming that because he gets triggered like when he and his fiancee were doing the sense8 focus homework the touching when they got up to week 3 which involves touching more than face hands as you know face hands and feet get up and there's more torso touching and genital touching and perhaps intercourse but he he had to you know the person getting receiving the touch can say when they're uncomfortable to please stop and he had to do that because he he was triggered by the sexual abuse from his brother so all those it's a form of PTSD all those memories came flooding back because of now you can speak about this as a sexy illogical body worker but the body holds memories doesn't it oh it absolutely does and we hold memories in our bodies in a lot of different ways and in a lot of different places so you know for me it's always it's less of a question of you know oh I'm feeling this in my back or in my chest what does that mean I always turn that around and I say okay so what does that mean for you because somebody else might hold something very different in the exact same place I was talking about this with my with my housemate the other night because for me you know I I had been working out at the gym and my back was sore from it and whenever that happens I'm more likely to feel sadness that's just you know a place in my body where I hold that and my housemate was talking about how when they've been when they've been running and their legs are sore their hamstrings are sore that tends to make them feel anxious and it was just interesting how we each hold very different feelings in different parts of our bodies but fundamentally it's the same thing yes fundamentally it is the same thing but when people have these kinds of intrusive thoughts I think mindfulness can be a help I'm I've just started a book by dr. Lori Bravo who's out of Vancouver BC and she's since 2002 she's been studying mindfulness but now she's all she's got it all in a great book it's not too far into it yet but better sex through mindfulness how women can cultivate desire it's a book I do recommend and there are some exercises having read through them but I glanced glanced at them it's a good book and mindfulness so as she describes it it's the practice of non-judgmental awareness and of course it's rooted in Buddhism and she teaches women concrete skills of body awareness present moment present moment focus and and she helps them gradually apply those skills sexual settings and it's interesting because she thinks doctor broto think her theory is that sexual response in women is related to the mind being in sync with the body the idea supported by studies that show that women experience low desire or disconnect between physical and subjective arousal so becoming more aware of the body noticing the body non-judgmentally can be a way to really tune into arousal hasn't that been your experience with your clients yes absolutely and you know it's I think it's actually true for people of any gender because yes right because when you ask people you know they've done all of those studies where they measure people genital blood flow while showing them you know erotic images you porn on a video and a lot of a lot of women report not feeling turned on even though there is a lot of vaginal blood flow I actually think something similar could happen for men except that when you get an erection you can feel it inside your clothing so you know I think that if there was a way to set that up so that you weren't getting the physical feedback from your clothing touching your erection I think a lot of men would be challenged to tell how how turned on they were and of course genital blood flow and direction don't always match up with arousal anyway but you I circling back to what you were saying about mindfulness I am a big fan of the growing body of work around mindfulness yeah when it comes to sex it can also be a two-edged sword you know I read a study once I'm sorry it's not a study an article about how all of these big corporations decided to institute in my fullness training for their employees because of all of the research showing that mindfulness boosts productivity but it turns out that if you hate your job mindfulness makes it harder for you to get work done because you're so focused on how bad your job makes you feel and productivity as very enticing right and and I think the same thing happens or can happen in relationships if you are happy in your relationship then mindfulness will help you tune into that happiness and your arousal and your desire but if you're feeling resentment towards your partner or if you're feeling shame for your sexual desires or if you have a history of sexual trauma that you haven't healed yet mindfulness is going to bring all of that closer to the surface in which case it actually becomes more difficult unless you address the root problem yes that's true yeah and the outcome often is that bad sex leads to the expectation of more bad sex in the future yeah yeah difficult loop and it in their minds a lot of these people think it's some somehow they're holding them back and there's some interesting studies you're probably aware of them about rats and rats are similar to humans and and how our brains and so on the rat brain and and and this Jim vows have you heard of him a psychologist and neurobiologist at an Oregon University and one of the most prominent torchbearers of the so called vagina brain connection and so he has examined the way minut manipulation of nur chemistry affects the sexual behavior of rats and in one study he blocked female rats ability-to-repay opioid rewards during copulation and found that even when their reward system was later unblocked they rejected the mating efforts suggesting that bad sex leads to it the expectation of more bad sex and so it could be that that rats are that female rats are teaching us something about female desire I think I think there's a lot of truth to that and and especially the idea of you know if I had an unpleasant experience I'm going you know I'm going to expect that the next time I mean fundamentally that's not really any different from oh you know the last time I went to this restaurant the food was overcooked and so I'm just going to expect that this time but it's fundamentally the same thing mm-hmm but I I think that what all of this brings us back to is that these are all of these different reasons why why people check out during sex you know we check out because of stress or anxiety or triggers or resentment or shame you know we check out because we are worried about our partners responses or our partners are getting triggered you know all of these things and I do think that one of the one of the challenges with all of this is that if you want to be more present and more attuned with your partner during sex any of the difficulties you know you're going to need to address fun you can't just keep shoving them under the rug it's a lot easier in the short term to just convince yourself well we'll buy a new vibrator we'll try bondage or whatever it is but those are not going to resolve the deeper issues if that's what's really going on yes just shift slightly and I totally agree with you but there was in let's see 2014 at an FDA hearing and I don't know what what it was for I'm gonna guess it was for the what now it's pretty pretty much being considered a failed female sexuality drug a D although a new one came on the market just the pharmaceutical companies are having a terrible time with these drugs for female desire because women are very complicated and there were their brains but here's what this woman Ellis Sandra Hirsch said and she is now a medical student but she testified at the hearing and she said these are some things that have helped me with periods of low libido and I'm going to quote the whole the whole bit because it's it's good my boyfriend switching boyfriend's chocolate coffee certain episodes of Grey's Anatomy pornography upgrading my vibrator the phrase a little to the left the phrase not so hard the phrase I love you reading Fifty Shades of Grey a removable shower head tips from my girlfriend's back rubs back scratches a good night's sleep an absence of judgment from my boyfriend an absence of judgment from my friends a defiance of judgment from society an acceptance of myself and the libido I came with end quote I like her suggestions and I think a lot of women could benefit from some of those suggestions the removable our head of course lots of women are able to reach orgasm with focused water right on their clitoris and I and I've known women that who don't have partners that make the end of their shower every morning and with an orgasm by focusing the spray on their clit so yeah yeah exactly yeah and I you know because there are all of these different ways that you know all these different ways that people have sex or the thing you different things that people enjoy you know I think it really does show the importance of being able to experiment and explore with these things and you're coming back to what we were talking about with playfulness right it's a lot easier to be exploratory when you can be playful but because playfulness is all about having fun not about having a particular goal in mind so yeah yeah that make a difference yes and in terms of the mindfulness I came across another study in this case it was a sexual desire questionnaire so women scores on this sexual desire questionnaire improved 60% after eight weekly mindfulness based cognitive therapy sessions and then we're back to Lori broto here because she's been doing this with her clients for many years and and she says we were surprised by the magnitude of the improvement with this program mindfulness improves mood and reduces stress both of which affect desire and also teaches you how to pay attention to your body so learning to be in the moment and ignore distractions can also help you really enjoy sex more and pleasure fuels desire that is so true having fun experiencing pleasure absolutely fuels desire that's why when I ask couples and they're a new couple say I'll say oh let's see now when was the last time you guys had any fun together and it kind of looked at me no there hasn't been much fun it's and and consequently their sex life tends to be boring and routine and not very playful well and I would be willing to bet that in most of those situations there's probably enough not a lot of fun happening outside the bedroom either you know what's keeping folks from putting on some fancy clothes and going out dancing or or whatever it is right I think that we need to integrate more fun into our lives mm-hmm absolutely and dancing even is good for your sex life because it can help with the rhythms of dancing put then later when you're doing the horizontal dancing in bed you can be perhaps more in rhythm with each other more in sync yeah more in sync yeah well and and more attuned to each other if you're doing partner dance because you're practicing that that follow lead dynamic but I do want to circle back so to the to the question that we started with which was checking out because I I realize there's one important thing here to say which is that you know everybody Tunes out or checks out sometimes and even if you're if you're watching a movie and you're totally into it they're still likely to be times when you get distracted you know maybe because the dog ran in front of the TV or you remembered something that you needed to do for work so it's not inherently a bad thing you're the human brain is not very well designed to stay focused on one thing all the time but I think that it's this question of how how often do you check out and how easily can you bring yourself back and these are things that are practicing it's not something that you can just you know there's no magic bullet you know and you're done but having said that I just want to put it out there that while I know that it can be challenging for a partner if somebody if if somebody checks out during sex partners sometimes can find that challenging or triggering or upsetting but the more you pressure your partner or blame them or shame them or yell at them the more you're actually going to fuel their checking out but you know why would I want to be present with you if you're gonna yell at me yeah they have all these judgments yeah exactly so I about me if you you know in in the same way that you know teaching children or teaching a new teaching children's skills right it needs to be hey good job good effort and now here's how to do it better right it's more of the positive correction I think it's the same thing in sexual relationships right like oh yeah it's I I get that you got distracted just then understandable you know can you bring your attention back now rather than yelling or arguing because that's just going to push them further away and that's that's something that I work with a lot of my clients around especially people who got yelled at a lot by their parents right yeah that by your partner to then remind you of being a kid and that's just no fun for for anybody ever not ever so I have a couple of very behavioural sort of exercises that that have helped some of my female clients when they're distracted when they're thinking about something else so I get them too and this requires practice I get them to see a stop sign in their mind stop and come back to Center come back to the feelings now sometimes that isn't so easy to do but we practice or see a conveyor belt slowly moving away from your mind holding all the negative judgmental feelings distracting feelings moving away or borrowing from men Zen meditation quieting the monkey mind the monkey mind you know imagine the little monkeys out there trying to distract you making funny faces and jumping around so quiet the monkey mind and come back to Center with the mindfulness yeah yeah I like that what and I like the idea of that imagery of this stop sign I'm a I'm a experiment with that a little bit because yeah it's a good good raw real familiar with it think we got it yeah exactly exactly you're like you every whether you drive a car or not you everybody on visualize a stop sign so the other thing that fits in here because mindfulness meditation has shown promise as a treatment for depression and you know I think that desire is a central nervous system mechanism shaped by sensitivity to rewards so just as somebody with depression may experience Oh a muted response to pleasure spending time there are a lot of pleasures for a lot of people maybe spending time with friends eating a fine meal basking outside on a sunny day and with low sexual desire they may not respond to say a sensual touch from a loved one and it may be that something going on in her life echoes throughout the nervous system thus muting the response to rewards so depression is a real factor in it and then if the person is on an antidepressant that for that often further lowers the libido yeah either lowers of libido or lowers the sexual response when there is a result lower the libido or the sexual response and I didn't hear the last part Oh even when there is arousal even when there's desire oh yeah right it's depending on well they may have trouble reaching orgasm – yeah yeah well and and I think this is a good place to circle back to something you you were talking about earlier with the with sense8 focus or making sex about connection and intimacy rather than about erection or lubrication and orgasm because there there is a way in which that opens up a lot more possibilities and you know I've definitely worked with folks who live with depression you're varying to varying degrees and one of the challenges that they often describe is feeling like okay so now my depression is making me a terrible lover or it's making me an inadequate lover or what-have-you and for some of them when they were able to make the shift away from orgasm and towards pleasure and connection that opened up new avenues you know maybe it didn't change their body's responses because of the medication or maybe it doesn't change their their libido levels but it creates opportunities for intimacy that are huge and so you people often throw the baby out with the bathwater yeah yes so I guess the other piece that I didn't want to say on the on the topic of checking out there's one other big reason why people do and that is when we end or touch or tolerate either tolerate or endure touch that we don't actually want to receive and stereotypically this is something that we we think of as women experiencing more than men because of gender dynamics and all of that but I have I've certainly talked with plenty of men of all sexual orientations who who tolerate unpleasant touch and sometimes you know sometimes that kind of tolerating or enduring it because we don't know how to speak up or we don't know what to ask for or we expect that our partner is going to get upset with us but the challenge or the difficulty is that as soon as you start to tolerate and then shift into enduring your your sexual arousal and libido are dropping and your resentment is building up and so one of the skills that I I frequently work on with my clients is to help them find their words and say something as soon as they notice they're tolerating so for example you know maybe it's that you know your partner is giving you a blowjob and they're using too much pressure or too much teeth or it's too fast for you or too slow for you or whatever it is as soon as you notice that you're tolerating it or enduring it that's the time to speak up because the longer you wait the more upset you're going to be when you finally do say something it festers and resentment can grow oh yeah if you don't speak up and there is nothing that kills a sex life faster than resentment there's say that last part again and I am having trouble hearing all of your words and that's probably my fault but anyway say the last part again there is nothing that kills your sex life faster than resentment we kill your sex life yeah well because you know resentment is unexpressed anger and you can't actually relax and be fully open and vulnerable and intimate with your partner if you're holding back your anger your brené Brown makes the really interesting observation that you can't switch off just one emotion you can't switch off just your anger or just your sadness or just your fear if you turn one of them off you turn all of them off at least or let me say that better if you turn one of them off you turn the others down and that's going to get in the way of your sex life yeah so I do well I do a lot of work with people to help them get into that more empowered place of being able to speak up as soon as they realize they need to it's it's a challenging skill because there's a lot of reasons why people have difficulty with it but when you overcome those hurdles it has amazing benefits for your entire sex life yeah that'll work much better than reading 27 books about the g-spot yes yes I think too you can use all of these skills and there's one more tip and that is if you simply can't be in the present during sex tell your partner maybe cuddle or talk for a while and then resume making love or or not but when you're cuddling we're talking just be very much in the present and especially for the cuddling and and hopefully kissing I mean I think kissing is an amazing I'm it's amazing to kiss and it's a it's very intimate and we can tell quite a lot about how our partner is feeling and and well in new relationships how the person kisses is quite quite revealing yeah it's it's actually it's one of those underrated skills and I know you've had the experience I know as a as a practitioner of having clients talk about how they were really into somebody until they kissed them and they were just a bad kisser and everything all the way all the desire just sort of evaporated yes so yeah granting makes a big big difference yes absolutely and most most women that I've spoken to don't want the tongue going down the throat immediately they want soft lips in the beginning and kind of warm up to deeper kisses yeah yeah yeah it really makes it makes all the difference it's that slow ramp-up and you know writin even though we stereotypically think of men as like wanting to just dive right in because so many of us often do you know just a tip to the guys out there that your sexual experience will be much more fun if you can slow down so you're doing it for yourself there we go Charlie that's the music I'll be in touch with you thank you so much for this last hour and we'll do it again soon thank you bye bye everybody you

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