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Laughter is the Best Medicine

Luenell Campbell Snoop Dogg’s Bad Girls of Comedy • FULL SET • Part 5 | LOLflix


COMING TO THE STAGE TO SOCK SOME SOUL TO YOUR ASS, THIS IS THE ORIGINAL BAD GIRL OF COMEDY. GIVE IT UP FOR MY HOMEGIRL LUENELL! I WANT TO THANK Y’ALL FOR BEING SO PATIENT AND WAITING ON ME. AND I TELL YOU, I ALMOST DIDN’T MAKE IT TO THIS M-FR, BECAUSE
HALFWAY ON THE WAY OUT HERE, A M-FN TOOTHACHE GRIPPED MY M-FN ASS SO TOUGH, MY ASSHOLE ALMOST FLIPPED INSIDE OUT LIKE A CAULIFLOWER. I SWEAR TO GOD. I WAS IN SO MUCH M-FN PAIN. I TOOK ABOUT 17 VICODIN, WASHED THE SHIT DOWN WITH A BOTTLE OF CHARDONNAY. I’M FD’ UP RIGHT ABOUT NOW, I’M GONNA TELL YOU THAT. LOOK, WE GOTTA START GOING TO THE DENTIST, PEOPLE. WE JUST THERE’S A WHOLE NATION OF M-F LAUGHIN’ LIKE THIS…OHMM OHMMMM WE JUST, YOU KNOW, IT’S SOMETHING FROM HERE BACK THAT’S GOIN’ ON IN SOCIETY. BUT I CAN UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE AS A COMIC, YOU KNOW, WE DON’T HAVE NO HEALTH PLAN AND SHIT YOU GOTTA BE A BONA FIDE ACTOR AND STUFF. I WENT TO THE DENTIST. YOU KNOW, I MANNED UP, SAVED UP SOME MONEY, AND I WENT AND HAD MY TEETH CLEANED AND, YOU KNOW, HAD X-RAYS AND ST. HE TALKIN’ ABOUT I HAD, LIKE, YOU KNOW, A LITTLE SITUATION GOING ON IN THE BACK BACK HERE AND THAT I WAS GONNA NEED A ROOT CANAL. AND SO I WAS LIKE, “A ROOT CANAL? OKAY, SO HOW MUCH IS THAT GONNA COST?” HE WAS, LIKE, “WELL, YOU KNOW, ABOUT $1,600.” I SAID, “FOR EVERYTHING?” AND HE WAS, LIKE, “NO, JUST FOR THE ONE TOOTH.” I SAID, “YEAH, YOU BETTER GIVE ME A TOOTHPICK AND SHOVE THAT SHIT UP YOUR ASS.” AIN’T NO $1,600 FOR NO ONE FN’ TOOTH. I MEAN, LISTEN, I HAD A GRANDMOTHER IN ARKANSAS. THAT BITCH HAD ONE M-FN TOOTH, AND SHE COULD EAT CORN ON THE COB, YOU FEEL ME? I MEAN, YOUYOU DON’T NEED ALL THEM G-DAMN TEETH. NO, YOU ONLY NEED ABOUT TEN. I CAN TELL YOU, I DONE DECIDED I’M JUST GONNA LET ALL MY FN’ TEETH FALL OUT AND OPEN UP AN OLD-LADY BLOWJOB STAND. FK IT. BUT I THINK THAT YOU REALLY GOTTA HAVE GOOD TEETH TO BE ON TELEVISION, YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN’? ‘CAUSE I WATCH A LOT OF TV, AND I OBSERVE SHT. NOW, I LOVE BETTY WHITE. I THINK BETTY WHITE IS LIKE MY M-FN MAMA, YOU KNOW? AND IF SOMETHING HAPPEN TO BETTY WHITE, I’M GONNA FLING MYSELF OFF A BRIDGE. I LOVE BETTY WHITE. BUT SOMETIMES, IF YOU GET TOO OLD TO BE ON TV, YOU JUST NEED TO GO ON AND SHUT IT DOWN. CASE IN POINT, I TIVO’ED “DICK CLARK’S ROCKIN’ EVE.” EVERY YEAR WHEN I WAS A CHILD, BEFORE I COULD GO OUT, BEFORE I WAS ABLE TO GO OUT, BEFORE I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO GO OUT, I WOULD WATCH”DICK CLARK’S ROCKIN’ EVE.” SO I COME BACK FROM VEGAS DRUNK AS A M-FR, LAID DOWN ON THE COUCH, GONNA WATCH AND SEE WHAT I MISSED IN NEW YORK THIS YEAR. NOW SEACREST, THE KING OF EVERY M-FN THING, HE’S HOSTING “DICK CLARK’S ROCKIN’ EVE.” BUT DICK CLARK SAID, “I’LL BE GODDAMNED. “I DON’T GIVE A F. I’M DICK CLARK. “I’M GONNA BE THERE “TILL THE M-FN WHEELS FALL OFF. “PROP ME UP. F YOU. “I’M GOING DOWNTOWN. “SOMEBODY PUT MY SUIT ON ME AND PROP ME THE F UP. I’M GOING DOWNTOWN.” SO SEACREST IS LIKE, “AND HERE WE ARE “IN TIMES SQUARE, AND IT’S JUST ABOUT TIME “FOR THE BALL TO DROP, AND WE WANT TO GIVE IT UP “FOR ALL THE ACTS YOU’VE SEEN TONIGHT. WE WANT TO GIVE IT UP FOR THE BLACK EYED PEAS.” “YAY!” “WE WANT TO GIVE IT UP FOR NICKI MINAJ.” “YAY!” “AND NOW LET’S THROW IT OVER “TO THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND. “LET’S THROW IT OVER TO DICK CLARK! TAKE IT AWAY, DICK!” DICK’S LIKE “IT’S ALMOST MIDNIGHT!” THE MAN DONE HAD SIX STROKES. HE’S LIKE, “AND HERE WE GO!” AND DICK LOOKS UP AT THE BALL. HE’S LIKE, “TEN… “NINE… EIGHT…” “FOUR… “TWO WHAT? OH, HAPPY NEW YEAR!” AND, YOU KNOW, I CAN RECALL… WHEN THEY HAD MUHAMMAD ALI LIGHT THE M-FN OLYMPIC TORCH. WHO THOUGHT OF THIS BRILLIANT IDEA? I REMEMBER IT. I SAID, “THEY GONNA GIVE THE THEY GONNA GIVE THE FLAME TO ALI?” IT’S LIKE, “COMING TO THE STAGE…STAGE…STAGE “TO LIGHT THE OLYMPIC TORCH…TORCH…TORCH, “HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD…WORLD…WORLD, MUHAMMAD…AMMAD… AMMAD ALI…LI…LI!” ALI HAD THE TORCH. I SAID, “RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! “HE GONNA BURN DOWN THE WHOLE OLYMPIC VILLAGE! “GONNA KILL ALL THE ATHLETES! ALI, WHAT IS YOU DOING?” I WATCH EVERYTHING. I WAS WATCHING “ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME” BECAUSE I WATCH EVERYTHING. I’M MULTICULTURAL LIKE THAT. AND, UH, MY BOY OZZY OSBOURNE WAS THE HOST. UH, OZZY… YOU KNOW, OZZY TRIES TO GO FOR HEART, BUT HE REALLY LIKE A LITTLE TODDLER, YOU KNOW? BECAUSE OZZY’S OZZY COMES OUT AT THE END OF THE SHOW. HE’S LIKE… “I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY “FOR COMING OUT TONIGHT. “I’M THE PRINCE OF FN’ DARKNESS, YO. “I’M OZZY OSBOURNE. I’VE BEEN YOUR HOST TONIGHT. “I WANT TO THANK BLACK SABBATH. “I WANT TO THANK FRAMPTON. AND I WANT TO THANK…” “ANYWAY, I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU “FOR COMING OUT TONIGHT. ROCK AND ROLL!” AND THEN HE LEAVES THE STAGE LIKE THIS… WHITE FOLKS, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU. IF YOU HAVE BLACK FRIENDS, I WANT TO LET YOU IN ON SOME OF THE THINGS THAT WE’RE THINKING, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU’RE DOING THE THINGS THAT IT IS THAT Y’ALL DO. FOR INSTANCE, OKAY, MY GIRLFRIEND CALLED ME CRYING LIKE A MF THE OTHER DAY. I SAID, “TIFFANY, TIFFANY, WHAT’S WRONG?” “OH, MY GOD, IT’S MUFFIN. IT’S MUFFIN.” I’M LIKE, “WELL, WHAT THE F IS WRONG WITH MUFFIN?” “MUFFIN… MUFFIN HAS CANCER.” I’M LIKE, “MUFFIN GOT CANCER? “I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW MUFFIN SMOKED. WHEN THE F DID MUFFIN START SMOKING?” “NO, LUE, MUFFIN HAS CANCER. “I TOOK MUFFIN TO THE VET, “AND HE SAID IT’S GONNA COST $13,000 FOR MUFFIN TO GET CHEMOTHERAPY.” I SAID, “$13,000? “BITCH, DIDN’T I JUST ASK YOU TO BORROW $50 THE OTHER DAY AND YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T HAVE NO MONEY?” FN’ SHT IS THAT? THEN, YOU KNOW, BLACK PEOPLE, WE HAVE A SICK DOG… MM. YOU OPEN THE GATE. NO MORE SICK DOG. COME HOME FROM SCHOOL, “DADDY, DADDY! WHAT HAPPENED TO KING?” “KING RAN AWAY.” AND THEN SHE’S LIKE, “I DON’T KNOW HOW MUFFIN “WE FEED MUFFIN THE FINEST OF KIBBLE. “WE FEED MUFFIN IT’S IT’S MADE FROM RICE AND GRAIN, AND IT COST $37 A POUND.” $37 A POUND? YOU KNOW WHAT, MY GRANDMA, THE ONE WITH THE TOOTH… SHE HAD A DOG THAT LIVED TO BE 92 YEARS OLD. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOG ATE? SPAGHETTI, MACARONI AND CHEESE, ICE CREAM, SOCK-IT-TO-ME CAKE, RED VELVET CAKE, YAMS, GREENS, NECK BONE ANY GODDAMN THING YOU PUT IN THE BOWL. IT’S A FN’ DOG, BITCH! ANYWAY, I WANTED TO ALSO SHARE WITH YOU THAT I’VE BEEN DOING PRETTY WELL NOW IN MY CAREER. UM, I’M ABOUT TO MAKE AN INVESTMENT. I’M GONNA BE ONE OF THE FIRST FEMALES TO OPEN UP A STRIP CLUB IN LOS ANGELES. I SHOULD HAVE ALL MY LICENSES. IT SHOULD BE OPEN BY NEXT SUMMER. IT’S GONNA BE CALLED BEEFY’S. YEAH. YEAH, ALL THE STRIPPERS WILL WEIGH, LIKE, 180 AND UP. AND THE, UM, STRIPPER POLE IS GONNA BE DIFFERENT. IT’S GONNA BE, LIKE, ABOUT THE SIZE OF A TELEPHONE POLE. AND WE’RE NOT REALLY GONNA SWING AROUND THAT M-F WE JUST GONNA KIND OF WALK AROUND THAT BITCH. BE LIKE, “IT’S HOT IN HERE. AIN’T Y’ALL HOT IN HERE?” HEY, THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR YOUR ATTENTION. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I APPRECIATE YOU. THANK YOU. DID Y’ALL HAVE A GOOD TIME TONIGHT WITH THE BAD GIRLS? LET’S BRING THEM OUT RIGHT NOW. COME ON, BAD GIRLS. COME ON BACK OUT. AND THESE ARE THE BAD GIRLS OF
COMEDY. I AM BIG SNOOP DOGG HOPE YOU ALL HAD A GOOD TIME. YES, SIR.

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