Laughter is the Best Medicine

Lying in Your Sexts – Shane Torres – This Week at the Comedy Cellar

(audience laughing) – Okay, gang. I got new jokes, and you’re
gonna be able to tell. (audience laughing) Your laugh is haunting, sir, I, uh, (audience laughing) (imitating audience member’s laugh) Y’all know what sexting is? (audience laughing) Yeah, it’s when you learn
you’re not ambidextrous. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) I don’t know why I thought
I could pull that off. (audience laughing) Like, I can’t even do a left-handed layup. And I’m left handed. (audience laughing) I’m not. I’ll tell you what happened. It’s very new to me. I met a young lady and we’ve been carrying out a courtship. (audience laughing) And she lives in another city. But I met her and we’ve been talking and she goes, I’m gonna see her next week. (audience member cheers) And
she’s like, “Yeah, we’ll see.” (audience laughing) She’s gonna be upset when she sees this. (audience laughing) But she text me, and she’s like, “Hey, what do you wanna do when
you’re in town next month?” And we’re a little flirty, you know. And just to test the waters, throw a little horseshoe out there, (audience laughing) I said, maybe we’ll just
get a bottle of wine and make out. And then she was like, “I’m
touching myself right now.” And I was like, “Jesus Christ.” (audience laughing) And I had to be like, “Me too.” (audience laughing) Like, as well, not the movement. (audience laughing) (audience clapping) And, the things she is sending
to me are nerve wracking. (audience laughing) And the things I am sending to her, I have never even attempted before. (audience laughing) The shit I’m saying was like, “I’m also dunking while we’re having sex.” It is crazy. (audience laughing) Like, she must think I
have the core strength of a young Jackie Chan. (audience laughing)
This is crazy. But she, she, she, she … This is where it gets awful. (audience laughing) She goes, sorry for the crass language, she goes, “Are you about to cum?” And I think I wrote back, “Affirmative.” (audience laughing) Which is like cop jargon, you know, like, “Are those reports gonna be on my desk?” “Affirmative.”
(audience laughing) She was like, “Call me,
I wanna hear you cum.” And I was like, Also, all the nasty shit she sent me, she spelled cum, C-O-M-E. (audience laughing) Took me out of it for a minute. (audience laughing) What do you … Don’t get all grammary on her, you know? (audience laughing) But I was like, “Okay,
I’m gonna call you.” And, um, this was gonna be
a real walk off the court kinda shot. Like she was gonna pick
up the phone and be like, “Hello?” And I was gonna be like (moaning). (audience laughing) Is that hot, is that hot, knowing that a plump man is red and sweaty in his room, alone? (audience laughing) And I call her, and I got
a goddamn busy signal! (audience laughing) You ever hear a busy signal when you cum? (audience laughing) (energetic music)

52 thoughts on “Lying in Your Sexts – Shane Torres – This Week at the Comedy Cellar

  1. tbh, i was totally prejudging this dude from his appearance and the title.. i was totally thinking his act was gonna be just him describing a bunch of disgusting, weird, embarassing things, so that we could look and laugh at him… you know what i mean? so glad i checked him out, that was good, wish it was longer.

  2. I love you, man, but, unless she was texting you from a landline, there is no busy signal. The joke might have been spicier if you said you got sent to voicemail.

  3. Is he blind, or on ecstasy? Seems to be touching everything around him. Almost like he could fall at any moment….

  4. I'm also dunking while we are having sex ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

  5. I had no idea that Louie Anderson and Bobcat Goldthwait had a son together. He's pretty funny! His fathers should be proud of their boy!

  6. Dude. I think we used to work together! Which restaurants did you work at? Was it BMG? Good laughs! I'm happy to see you killing it on all these shows Shane!

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