-Hey, hey. All right. Thanks.
Sorry. A little sluggish. Really did it up last night. I got to take it easy on
the booze, you know. My cousin’s a doctor. He thinks we should
get rid of alcohol. Said it kills 2 1/2 million
people every year, which is sad, but, I mean, think of how many
people it produces. Yeah. It’s got to be like
3-to-1, you know? If my parents didn’t drink,
I might not be here. I’m definitely going to
name my kids after the substance
that got them conceived. “This is my daughter Tequila.
This is my son Jager.” “What about the kid
hugging your leg?” “Ha! That’s Molly.” Yeah, went out with my friend.
He’s gay. We get along really well.
He’s gay, I’m broke. I feel like poor people
and gay people have a lot in common,
you know, right? Both born that way.
Yeah. Yeah. Women just want to be
our friends. And when you finally tell your
parents they’re like, “Yeah, we knew.” Yeah. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, we were drinking that
White Claw. You guys ever touched —
Yeah, that stuff’s — It’s too much. I like White Claw
because it sounds like the new Marvel hero — White Claw, you know? Sounds like Wolverine’s
overprivileged nephew, you know? White Claw’s superpower
would be showing up to a wedding in flip-flops
and driving his dad’s boat while hitting a Juul. Yeah. I’m doing better, though. I used to black out
four or five nights a week. I’ve cut back. Now my phone
is my main addiction. Everybody goes,
“Hey, phone addiction — better than alcohol.” I don’t know. Same side effects. Both dangerous while driving,
both what I go to when I’m nervous at a party,
and both have helped us all sleep with
very regrettable people. Right? The phone is just
the new booze. Both are fun, but if you
do it too long, it just becomes depressing. You know, you drink too much,
you’re like, “I hate myself.” You look at your
phone too long you’re like, “Ah, even Jeff found love? God!”
Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. It’s too much. Too much. Yeah. My biggest fear used to be
the bar closing. That was, like, my biggest fear. Now my biggest fear is
my phone dying, you know? Which is pretty good. 100 years ago,
we had real problems. “My baby’s got the black lung. She might not
make it through the night.” I’m like, “I’m at 2%. I might actually
have to feel something.” Yeah. I’m hooked. Oh, geez. Yeah, I actually carry
a battery pack on me now in case my phone dies. That’s insane. That’s like carrying a flask to
fill up your empty flask. That’s where I’m at. And I don’t even know —
can you quit a phone? You know, like, If somebody
goes, “Hey, I gave up drinking,” I go, “Good for you.” If somebody goes,
“Hey, I gave up my phone,” I’m like,
“How did you get here?” Yeah. The phone is
ruining our lives. It’s bad. You know, I was walking down
Third Avenue. I was next to a homeless guy.
He was drunk. I was on my phone. We were doing the same stuff,
you know? He’s yelling about
the government. I’m tweeting at Trump,
you know? He’s creepily staring
at beautiful women. I’m scrolling through Instagram,
you know? He’s flashing everybody.
I’m sending a photo of mine. Yeah. I don’t know.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, we don’t know how
to connect anymore. You know, my friend just got
dumped, so I took him out, tried to wing-man him,
meet some ladies for him. Didn’t go too well.
You know, he got upset. He’s like, “Screw this.
Let’s go to a strip club.” I don’t get that logic. You know, to me,
that’s like going fishing, not catching anything,
and being like, “Screw this. Let’s go to the aquarium.” It’s the same thing.
Yeah. Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, yeah. The only difference is —
no one leaves an aquarium going, “I tell you — I think that
flounder was into me. That’s one hot piece of bass.”
Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know.
We’ll figure it out. I got to figure something out.
I’m 35. You know, I’m at the age
where all my friends are getting divorced. And, yeah, it’s tough. I’m surprised people still
want to get married. That shocks me,
especially younger people. They’re so against traditional
stuff, you know? But, yet, every lady I know
is dying to get married, which blows my mind. Ladies, you’ve come so far,
so much progress, but, yet, when it comes
to marriage, you guys get very old-fashioned. “I want the ring and the dress
and the party.” What? Grow up. Ladies, you’re killing it.
Go frolic, be free. “But it’s my special day.” All right.
Why do you have to ruin mine? I don’t know. But that’s why you ladies
are brilliant. You gals are geniuses, ladies,
because you guys tend to be the ones who want to get
married, yet, somehow, you’ve designed it
to where the man asks you. That’s some Jedi-level
mind trickery right there. Yes. Well-played. Right? Genius, ladies. Genius.
You’re like Yoda. “I want to get married,
but you’ll ask me.” Yes. You got it. “And you’ll get down
on one knee.” No problem. “And you’ll buy me
an expensive ring.” Will do. “And whose idea was this?”
All Mine. Well-played, ladies.
Well-played. I don’t know.
Am I nuts? Marriage just feels like
the least-romantic thing on the planet. It’s legal. Ugh! Got to go to a courthouse,
get a license. What’s the license for? That’s the only license
we don’t check, by the way. Driver’s license,
liquor license. People check a fishing license. I’m gonna start checking
marriage license. Next time I see a
short, broke, weird guy — he’s like, “That’s my hot wife
over there” — I’m gonna be like,
“Let me see some I.D.” Thanks a lot. I’m Kevin Hart.
Thank you. ♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ] -Hey! Mark Normand. For more info, visit