Laughter is the Best Medicine

Mary Mahoney’s Joke Reel

Hi, I’m Bobby Mahoney at Mary Mahoney’s Old
French House Restaurant in Biloxi. I started advertising on Channel 13 over 20
years ago and everywhere I go people are always commenting on my commercials
and the jokes I’ve told over the years, So we thought we’d put together a collection
of some of my most requested jokes so sit back and enjoy. One of the oldest homes in America is one
of the best restaurants in America Lobster, Georgo Surf and Turf Lump Crabmeat St. Patrick shrimp and lump Crabmeat Melba Sisters of the Sea Au Gratin, stuffed flounder Mary Mahoney’s signature dishes they’ll take your taste buds for a ride, and
where we’re always on top of everything. Mary Mahoney’s Old French House, Biloxi Did you know that women say 30,000 words a day while men only say fifteen
thousand words day women talk twice as much in a day’s time than a man does that’s just what the wife
told her husband. He said why is that hun? She said cuz we have to repeat everything And you know what he said? What’d you say? There’s three phases in life for people First there’s Youth then there’s Middle age
and then there’s boy you looking good sixty-Year-Old class Reunion, widow and widower Showed up went school together and they talking
one thing led to another he asked her to marry him she said yes at night he wakes up. Can’t remember what
she said he calls her up the next morning says I’m so embarrassed I remember asking you to marry me I can’t remember what you said she said, I’m
so glad you called she said I remember saying yes, she said But I couldn’t remember who asked me. Did you hear what happened in Church Sunday? It was awful a devil walked-in told everybody
to get out Everybody got out but this one lady. She didn’t
move, devil went up to her and said “hey don’t you know who I am” she said “yeah,
I know who you are” devil said “aren’t you afraid of me?” she said “no I’m not” he said “why not?” she said
“I lived with your brother for 25 years!” Couple walking around Heaven and the wife
said boy It sure is nice up here and her husband said
yeah, if you wouldn’t have fed me that oatmeal every morning. We’d have got here a lot
sooner! You know there’s age barriers. We go through
in life. You know you’re going on five you’re Gonna be 16 You become 21 you turn 30 You’re pushing 40 you reach 50 you make it
to 60 you hit 70 and then you don’t care Boudreaux come out the woods got a big blue
heron over his shoulder. Thibodeaux said “Boudreaux what you done did son?” He said “well, I killed his big blue Heron.”
He says “you going to jail, That’s an endangered bird!” He said “why did you kill him” said “he
tastes good” said “what he tastes like?” he said “a bald eagle” Had these four Fraternity brothers They said you know hey every 10 years won’t
we get together and meet and reminisce You know so at forty they said let’s go to
Mary Mahoney’s they got cute waitresses at fifty they said let’s go to Mary Mahoney’s
they got real good food at Sixty that they said let’s go to Mary Mahoney’s
it’s nice and peaceful at seventy They said let’s go to Mary Mahoney’s They got good handicapped accessibility At eighty they said let’s go to Mary Mahoney’s
one guy said why you want to go there? Because we ain’t never been there before! that lady wanted to marry a millionaire, an
actor, a preacher and an undertaker Friend said girl why in the world you want
to marry a millionaire, an actor, a preacher and and undertaker? she said one for the money two for the show
three to get ready and four to go Couple riding down the road. He mad at her,
she’s mad at him. He sees a herd of donkeys over there He says “some of your relatives”?. She
says yeah, but only by marriage! There’s three types of people in this world
those that watch things happen Those that make things happen and those that
wonder what in the world just happened! Little boy pulling his red wagon right in
front of church… wheel comes off little boy says “damn” preachers right there
says son you should not say damn. You should say good Lord He said yes sir preacher put the wheel back
on the wagon, little boy went about 10 feet in the wheel come off he hollered “good
Lord”! That wheel jumped up off that ground and went
right back on that wagon and that preacher said “Damn”! Did you know that senior citizens have a lot
of mineral value to them they have silver in their hair gold in their teeth precious Stones and their kidneys gas in their stomach
and lead in their feet and they asked the little senior lady “You ever think about the hear after?”
she said sure I do she said every time I go in the kitchen I’m wondering what I’m in here after! Little boy wanted to get an automobile for
his birthday Dad says son you get the car two things read
the bible get a haircut. I’ll do it daddy I’ll read that bible. I’ll get a haircut
come time to get the car the boy said Daddy I’m ready for the car. I said son, I thought
you read the bible every night. I was real proud of you about that He said, but it’s obvious you did not get
a haircut Daddy, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about
that. He says you know I read in that bible where Jesus had long
hair and he said yeah, you’re right. If you’d kept on reading you’d have read that he walked
everywhere he went to Two guys walking their dogs up in New York
City’s one’s got a german shepherd one got a chihuahua So they walk by this restaurant they said
why don’t we go in and get something to eat. we can’t go in to the restaurant with these Dogs, he said let’s just put your sunglasses
on and we’re walk in and tell them they’re service dogs. So the first guy with the german shepherd
walks in and says hey, you can’t come in here with this dog He said that’s my service dog. I’m blind Ok come on over here. So the next guy comes
in You can’t come in here with that dog. Hey.
This is my service dog. I’m blind! he said that’s a chihuahua He says is that what they gave me? Was standing on the corner the other day and
guy come up to me and asked me if my dog bites? Said no my dog won’t bite He reached down and that dog bit him!
I thought you told me your dog don’t bite and i said that’s not my dog! Boudreaux and Clotile getting married, Clotile’s
walking down the aisle on her wedding day and out of the corner of her eye she sees
Boudreaux’s golf clubs. she says Boudreaux What in the world is your golf clubs doing
up in this church on our wedding day He said this ain’t gonna take all day is it! That Mahoney guy speeding down the highway Cop pulled him over said let me see your driver’s
license. He showed him his driver’s license What’s that in your center console right there,
Mr. Mahoney said that’s my water. Cop said that looks like wine He said he done did it again. He done changed
that water into wine on me Friend of mine was telling me on his dad’s
tombstone He has remember me as you pass by as you are
now once was I as I am now soon You’ll be so enjoy your life and follow me 75 year old widow had shocking news to tell
the her three girlfriends and the shocking news was she was getting married One of her girlfriends want to know if he
had a lot of money She said no, the other girlfriend wanted to
know if he was good-looking She said no, third girlfriend said if he doesn’t
have any money and is not good-looking why in the world are you marrying him? she said he can drive
at night! Boudreaux Done died Clotile found 20,000 in his coat pocket. she called up her
sister and said i done found 20,000 of Boudreaux’s money in his coat pocket So what she done gonna do with it says I’m
gonna spend it She called it back three days later said you
spend that money? said I spent every nickel of it So what did you buy? four thousand dollars
went to his funeral and with that other 16,000 I bought a real nice memorial stone.
She said that was kind of expensive for Memorial stone. She says oh, no is the heck of a diamond! Guy went to the doctor the other day to tell
the doctor all of his problems, then when he was getting ready to leave he said doc
I got another problem. He said what’s that? He said my wife. She
don’t hear too well, so how bad is it? he said well I don’t know He said well ask a question from 20 feet,
ten feet, and two feet see where she picks you up from. 20 feet “hun What’s for dinner” nothing ten feet “hun,
What’s for dinner?” Nothing two feet “hun, What’s for dinner?” She says turkey for
a third time! About the little old maid said when she died
she refused to have any male Pallbearers. Her friend said why is that?
She said he none of them took me out when I was living I be darned, They going to take me out when
I die. Two baseball players played ball everyday,
didn’t miss a day didn’t play ball. One day when they coming out of church And they bumped into one of said you don’t
hate to go to heaven and not playing ball the other guy said I ain’t going If they ain’t playing he said let’s make a
deal Whoever gets to heaven first find out what’s going on and let the other
guy on the ground know. Sure enough Joe died went to heaven call down Earth, Bobby – Joe they playing ball up there? He
said I got good news and bad news up here in Heaven He said give me the good news first since
they playin ball in heaven. He said amen brother what’s the bad news He said you pitching tomorrow! Boudreaux was standing on a corner and father
Arseneau come up on him says Boudreaux You need to come get in God’s army. He said
I am in God’s army. He says well The only time I see you in church is on Christmas
and Easter. He says father I’m in the secret service! Boudreaux and Clotile sitting on the back
porch one night looking at the moon Clotile said Boudreaux that moon is so pretty
up there. He says yeah, it sure is Clotile said Boudreaux. I can’t wait till
we go to Florida on our vacation Clotile says Boudreaux, I wonder what’s closer,
Florida, or the moon? Boudreaux says duh, you can’t see Florida
from here, can ya? Mahoney and Maloney building a rocket ship
to go to the moon right so they called NASA up said hey You need to come over here and look at our
rocket ship so they come over and looked at it says You can’t go nowhere in this thing says why
not? This things made out of wood so you get up
in that atmosphere, and that sun will burn it up He says duh, we’ll go up at night Boudreaux and Thibodeaux went into that Keith
Fayard store Popp’s ferry and Boudreaux grabbed a 12-pack of that Budweiser
Clotile said put that back we can’t afford that boy put it back boy He’s hot she goes down a couple hours. She
grabs a jar that facial cream. He said what’s that she said it’s facial cream He said put that back we can’t afford that
either. She said, but it makes my face look so beautiful He says so does that Budweiser for half the
price the three phases in life for men You believe in Santa Claus, you are Santa
Claus, You know if the last one is you look like
Santa Claus And then there’s three phases in life for
men and women there’s youth, there’s middle-aged and then there’s boy you looking good Guy came home told his wife He’s quitting golf. says what why are you
quitting says I can’t see where the balls going? Why don’t you take your daddy out there?
Daddy’s 95 years old. She said yeah, but he can see real Well He said okay I’ll take daddy out there. So he goes out
there first team hits the ball He says daddy you see when he said yeah, [I]
got it so to get out in the fairway says okay, Daddy Where’s it at? I don’t know he said Daddy.
I thought you saw where it went! yeah, but I forgot Two couples they having dinner at the house
two men over this room two ladies in that room this guy’s telling this guy How he went to a restaurant to that best restaurant
have been to in his life. I mean atmosphere and everything He says what was the name of it? He said?
What was the name of it? He said what’s that flowers got a stem on
its got them thornes coming out? It’s got them red petals. He said a rose? He said yeah, hey rose. What restaurant Did
we go to the other night? Boudreaux was driving in California and he
pulled in to the filling station. It won’t know how far it was the San Jose? Guy said there ain’t no San Jose out here.
So he said, what’s this S-a-n-J-o-s-e? He said that saying Jose He said how you get hosay out of Jose? He says look any time you out here in California
you turn a j into an h like you know Jose He said okay. I’ll do that. He said how long
you to be here in California. He said to about hune or huly Clotile done had her a set of twins she called
up Clarice. Clarice come on over here I want you to name this beautiful little baby
boy and little baby girl He said I’d be so happy to Clotile. So what you want to name this beautiful little
girl what we call her Denise. She said what you wanted name this beautiful little baby boy. He said why
we call him de-nephew. Myself Big O and Keith Fayard walking in New
Orleans one day and Keith fell down and broke his leg. I called 911 said my friend Keith fell just
fell down broke a leg, we need ambulance here right away She says so where are you? I said we on Tchoupitoulas
street. She said could you spell that for me please? Hold on wait a minute. We’re going to drag
him to Oak street! if you want to be happy for day you eat a
big steak if you want to be happy for a week you take a Vacation you want to be happy for the rest
of your life you play golf or go fishing! St.. Peter’s having a good deed day up in
heaven if you did good deeds on Earth you come straight through the pearly gates. first Guy shows up angel said what good deeds you
do do on Earth. He said I gave one guy quarter one time He said you do anything else. He said I gave
another guy in a wheelchair a quarter. He said you do anything more than that. No.
let me go talk to St.. Peter. Told St. Peter he was trying to get in heaven and the only
thing he did on Earth He gave one guy a quarter give another guy
a quarter, St. Peter said go give him his fifty cents back
and tell him to go to hell! Five crows sitting on a fence, you shot and
killed one, how many do you have left? Four! You think them crows going to hang around
and get shot? My dog, he don’t have any legs, you know
what we call him? It don’t matter, he ain’t coming! Big O sent Keith Fayard over to Baton Rouge
to get a big bull, on the way there, he broke down, so he’s got to send Big O a message
so he goes to the Western Union and says I got to send a message. They said that’d
be five dollars. He said I only got 50 cents! They said you can only send one word! He said
what I am I going to say… ok, comfortable. He said how’s he going to know to come get
the bull from comfortable? Well, Big O, he talks real slow… Come-for-ta-bull! That pretty blue water in Florida, they ain’t
nothing in it but seaweed. That muddy water out in the Gulf, Shrimp, Crab, Oysters…
lots of fish, you know what the moral of the story is? There’s a lotta loving going on
in the mud! Boudreaux and Thibideaux were out hunting
in the woods and got lost. Boudreaux tells Thibideaux to shoot 3 times in the air and
somebody would come and rescue them. He did it and nobody came, two hours later he did
it again and nobody came. It was getting dark so he said you better do it again, he
says yeah I know but I only got three arrows left! Thanks for listening to my corny jokes over
the Over the past 30 years and it’s been a pleasure
serving y’all for the last 50 years

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