Anecdota

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Michael Che – Lying on Your Résumé, Paying Taxes & The History of Sexting


What’s up, Boston? How you guys doing? (audience cheering) Wow. This is crazy. I love Boston. This is the second time
I’ve been to Boston in, like, the past month,
and I love it. ‘Cause the first time I went, I went to a place
I’ve never been before. It’s called Southie. (audience laughs, whoops) Yeah. It’s a white ghetto. (laughter) I’ve never seen a white ghetto
in my life! It was ama… I saw a white lady steal a bike. And she was wearing a helmet. It was amazing. It was the coolest thing
I’ve ever seen, man. This is, uh, this is cool
because this is, like, a dream come true for me
to do comedy, you know, for so many people,
you know? I’ve been listening to “Juicy”
a lot to get inspired. You ever listen
to Biggie’s “Juicy”? (whoops) It’s, like, the greatest song
of inspiration ever. You know? I… It’s weird though.
It’s not the same song as when I heard it
when I was, like, 12. ‘Cause there’s a line in there
when he goes, ♪ Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis ♪ ♪ When I was dead broke, man ♪ ♪ I couldn’t picture this. ♪ That’s, like, $300-worth
of merchandise. It’s not a lot of money, man. I’ve been dead broke
my whole life, and I’ve had a Sega Genesis. I didn’t have a Super Nintendo,
but I could picture it. It wasn’t like… But it’s fun though, it’s good,
because it’s, you know, like,
if I wasn’t doing comedy, I don’t know what I’d be doing,
you know? I don’t know what I’d be doing.
It wouldn’t be good. I’d try, like, I would try
to get a regular job. It’s embarrassing. I’d have to, like,
lie on my résumé. You know how humiliating
that is? You ever lie so bad
on your résumé that you can’t believe
you didn’t get the job? You want to go back
to Foot Locker. Like, really, Foot Locker? Who the (bleep) do you hire that has eight-year
mayoral experience? (laughs) And a degree in physics? Who is this amazing shoe salesman? I don’t have a degree.
I didn’t even go to college. And I’m glad I didn’t
because I do this. So I don’t have to go
to college for this. And all my friends that went
to college are in crazy debt. Like, real debt. I got a friend
that’s $80,000 in debt with an English degree. I learned English for free. (laughs) It was the first thing
I learned. It was
the first thing I learned. And I talk
to this dude every day. I understand
everything he’s saying. He doesn’t know a special kind
of English. He doesn’t talk
like the Game of Thrones. It’s just regular English. And you know
what he does for a living? He teaches English. ‘Cause that’s the only thing you
can do with an English degree. It’s a (bleep) pyramid scheme. I do like, uh,
doing comedy though because… I got to pay taxes.
That’s the worst part. That’s the wor…
You ever pay taxes? I never paid taxes before. It’s an awful feeling. I’ve had taxes taken,
but I’ve never paid taxes. And that’s two totally
different things. ‘Cause when you have taxes
taken, you get a job every week and they just take
the taxes out of your check. They just take it.
You don’t get a choice. They just take it
and they keep taking it till the end of the year
where they’re like, “Hey, I think we might’ve
took too much. (laughs) “Here’s $500 back. Go buy yourself
some sneakers or something.” And you’re like, “Thanks, government. We’re going
to Red Lobster tonight. “This is amazing.
(laughs) I love tax time.” When you pay taxes,
it’s totally different. When you pay taxes, they let you
keep all of your money all year, and at the end, they say,
“You owe us 40%.” Which is a lot for me because I
don’t know what I’m paying for. I’ve never dialed 911.
I put out all my own fires. And I’m not saying I shouldn’t
have to pay any taxes, but I shouldn’t have to pay
as much as somebody that votes. Or… actually…
(laughs) I don’t vote because I don’t
know anything about politics. And honestly I can’t believe
they would let me. Isn’t that, like,
an important job? They’ll just let me pick
the president, really? I don’t got to take a test?
I don’t need a license? You need a license
to shampoo dogs in this country. But they’ll let me pick
the president? And that seems safe to you? I don’t know anything
about politics. I’ve tried.
I’ll watch the news. Either I’m too stupid
to understand the news or I feel like they’re
always lying to us. Right? I was watching recently. This lady
from the government gets on talking about the economy. She’s like,
“We’re in a recession. We owe China $11 trillion.” And I’m like, “We?” I don’t owe China shit. You owe China $11 trillion. “We” owe Sprint $90. You must’ve been roaming. We treat kids weird, man. Let kids be kids. They were talking about kids
are out of control for sexting each other. They’re not out of control
for sexting. They just have the technology
to be as gross as we’ve always wished we were when we were their age. What did you think
he was gonna take pictures of with eight megapixels of camera?
Sunsets? No, he’s 12. He’s gonna take
pictures of his dick. It’s the most interesting thing
he owns. (laughs) It’s not his fault. I’m sure there was people
trying to sext in the ’70s and ’80s in their bathrooms with Polaroids and stamps. (laughs) Like… (imitates camera shutter) Wait till Cheryl sees this shit
in two to three business days. She’s gonna love it. (laughs) People in the ’20s
trying to sext each other. With those cameras
like the box cameras with the… … with the black cloth and… Poof! They pose for every picture
like they was on money. All right, now watch the birdie. Poof! (laughs) That’s the world’s
oldest sexting joke.

100 thoughts on “Michael Che – Lying on Your Résumé, Paying Taxes & The History of Sexting

  1. Just my opinion but if you go to college and major in English, you can teach. Or write. Mainly teach. But it is a questionable investment. Go to college for science.

  2. I know this is not related but here is a tip: Go to your state college, get a good scholarship, fill out that fafsa and you won't have debt if you are in college :). I've been working for a scholarship all of high school and I know plenty of people that want to go to expensive school and complain.

  3. Comedians always spitting the real truth.
    Hope everyone gets the voting part clearly.
    Voting is an illusion just like freedom.

  4. This dude is Funny asf….I haven't looked up a comedian since I came across Josh wolf or theo von…(about. A year ago lol)

  5. You should have to take a general knowledge test to vote for the president. I firmly believe that. I also think an IQ test should be required, but people wouldn't like that.

    Do you think the moon is part of Mars? Do you think windmill noise causes cancer? Do you think the Earth is flat? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you can't vote for the president. But you are free to read some books and then take the test again.

    That's fair.

  6. He is trying to open your eyes people! He is becoming a legend like George Carlin making comedy by telling the truth!

  7. I am a masters soc. science, and post-grad law student at one of the top three universities, and I was asking myself what could have this guy studied and where, that he is so smart?! And the answer comes… 2:14

  8. Funniest dude I’ve heard in forever. Thanks for the laughs! I’ll be coming back and I won’t be the terminator!

  9. He is funny as hell but I would like to know if his college debt and English degree joke came out before or after the John Mulaney routine with the same jokes came out.

  10. Holy shit! I don’t know what my (admittedly, if you’d asked, entirely groundless) assumptions about the subject matter or quality of his stand up would be, exactly—when I’d see him on “Weekend Update.” But he’s so fucking strong! I hope that there are hours of sets and specials from Che that I didn’t even know about and have yet to see.

  11. He sounds like Hannibal. There's a lot of comics that sound just alike. Ari Shaffir and Big Jay Oakerson sound the same too.

  12. Making jokes about not voting cause you are too stupid and it's an important thing in 2018 doesn't sit right with me. It's like making jokes about how Bill Cosby is America's dad, without any irony

  13. That is not right he questioned how we are underqualified to to vote for the president of the United states…. we need vote as common regular people all together as a nation in order to prevent tyranny… I'm not over exaggerating or missing the point, I am simply taking precautions because of the condition our government vs people we are currently in

  14. funny how my school had a English class but didn't teach English, we all spoke English anyway, what was that about

  15. EL CHE VIVE…..CHE LIVES… Sorry, sorry, but with the last name "CHE" you know that comment was LONG OVER DUE…

  16. Everybody: Talking about how funny he is

    Me: wHen iS He gOnNa taKE a sIP oF ThaT dAmN dRiNK?!?!

    P.S. He finally did at 1:30

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