Laughter is the Best Medicine

My Comedy Special (/Mental Breakdown)

“You’re in the real world
now. Deal with it,” my dad said before handing me back to my mom and storming out of the
delivery room. The problem with iPhones is they keep us from experiencing the world around us only until
the battery runs out. When I see a guy proudly holding a door for people, I want to run into the door or stand
in the threshold breathing heavily until he leaves. But no. I don’t say “y’all” because I’m never around
that many people. All this time I wondered why birds were out to get me. Turns out I just had a chip on
my shoulder. #blood Pro tip: Trying to nonchalantly lick an envelope only makes it grosser. People who observe that others aren’t in the
moment are another layer removed from it. So please stop yelling at me? Working on an allegory about the irrelevance
of authorial intent. I really hope people get it. “See? I’m not nothing,” I thought as the sliding
glass doors opened for me. When I see a lot of new businesses opening I get stressed out for the Google Street View
team. You know who’s really been killin it? Murderers. That’s not wordplay. I just mean there are
a lot of efficient murderers now. Also how do you get people to like you? Metaphorically speaking, aren’t we all trapped
at a Jewish deli because we cannot find the blank ticket proving we didn’t order anything? When I’m next to a girl on the subway I feel
invasive reaching for my pocket and so have to listen all the way through to songs I wish
I’d never put on my phone. Here’s a life hack: Turn masochism into persistence by calling it that. When I know I’ll be getting a confirmation
email, I have to concentrate on not getting excited when the number of emails in my inbox
goes up. It’s hard to juggle work and a baby without the baby getting a few paper cuts. I haven’t
left my room today. One way I’m not like a Kardashian is that I’m famous for not being famous. Everyone
knows that no one knows who I am. Fuck. Whoops, can you say “fuck” on here? Fuck! Ha ha look at me go! Sometimes I worry that my self-deprecating
humor is trumped by my truly awful qualities. Ran into an old friend on the subway. “Surreal!” I said. “I wouldn’t go that far,” he said.
He gets insecure when his face drips like that. Party people! What say we stay in and enjoy
solitude knowing others are in the same boat and no one’s left out? No I’m just kidding!
Let’s! Do! It! It’s inspiring to see someone lift himself up by his own bootstraps, but soon you’ll
wonder what you’re doing at a fucking magic show. Typed “TinyURL” into TinyURL and blah blah
who gives a shit. Idea for Series: A spin on Seinfeld’s web series, called Comedians in Coffee Getting
Cars. Instead of chatting they compete for cars by submerging in vats of coffee. Loser
pays for the Uber home. My friend’s cancer is doing really well. That’s why he’s dying. I’d rather get ahead of myself than be beside
myself because it’s farther away.}

11 thoughts on “My Comedy Special (/Mental Breakdown)

  1. Can't tell which line is more relatable, the "I'm not nothing" in front of glass doors or the "too scared to get my phone when sitting next to a girl on the subway"

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