– Sean Hayes! Keep it going for the reason Mike Pence says
we have hurricanes. [laughter] You look like the little man
on top of a wedding cake that a bakery would refuse
to make for you. “Will & Grace” was really
the best you could do. It just… Just Jack!
Just Jack is– it’s also what I’m gonna do
in my hotel room alone after sitting next to
Blake Griffin all night. Jesus Christ. You’re so hot.
What the fuck? You’re so–I’d fuck you
in front of my grandparents. I–that’s how– I almost want to, you know? I feel like Mimi
would be proud. Blake, you look like
a black guy that got made by a printer
running out of ink. That’s– Yeah. Chris Redd is here
because Comedy Central wasn’t sure if Blake
was black or not. You look great, Chris. Uh, you always dress like
a nine-year-old who just found $1,000
on the sidewalk. [laughter] At this point, like,
what can you say about Jeff Ross
that he hasn’t heard before? It’s like–uh, oh.
“I respect you.” Um, “You look nice tonight.” “Here’s your salad, sir.”
Stuff like that. Okay, Jeff, you look like
if Popeye only ate Popeye’s. [laughs] Checks out. – Come back, no.
– No, Jeff, no. Don’t break the couch.
Your face… Your face has a dad bod. Let’s– Jeff gets really hot girls
and I just–I don’t– how do you get 10s? Teens, I’m sorry,
I read that wrong. How do you get– you have the sex appeal
of a gymnastics doctor. I just don’t understand. [scoffs] Robert De Niro is here. Looking like ALF. I can’t even believe I get
to share this stage with you tonight,
Robert De Niro. And by this stage, I mean
the final one of your life. It’s– [audience groaning] I’m sorry. I don’t feel right
about any of this. Caitlyn Jenner,
I just want to thank you for all you’ve done
for the trans movement and the size 16
stiletto industry. You were such
an incredible athlete. People forget
just how fast you once ran from your first family to go
be on a reality show. [laughter] – I like that one. – Seriously, though, I know
being a new mom is hard. But even Casey Anthony knows the current location
of her daughter. – Oh, my God. – Okay. Thank you. You’re a Republican.
I don’t know why. You’ve already gained control
over a woman’s body. [laughter] What does that party have to do
to lose your support? Be your son? [audience groaning] Caitlyn, I know you’ve only
publicly identified as a woman for a few years,
but I just want you to know that I know that, deep down,
you have always been a […]. And, uh– [laughter] I spell it with a K,
though, for you. You’re great.
Thank you, you’re great. Alec Baldwin,
what an honor to be here roasting Justin Bieber’s wife’s
oldest, fattest uncle. It’s like– I’ll never forget
that voice mail, um, that–what you called
your daughter Ireland a thoughtless little pig. Um, that’s got to be
one of the worst things you can call your daughter. After Ireland, actually.
That’s– that name, yikes. Speaking of terrible names,
your wife’s name is Hilaria. Is it “Hi-lair-ia”?
It’s–it’s “Hi-lair-ia”? – “E-lar-ia”
– “E-lar-ia”? Oh, it’s so stupid.
Okay, um– It doesn’t matter.
She’s so hot. Dude, she’s so hot and fit. Does getting screamed at
burn calories? You have four kids
under the age of six. I just–how do you do it? I mean, isn’t your semen
just oatmeal at this point? [laughter] Oh, Robert just got excited
when I said “oatmeal.” He started salivating. Your– your night nurse
is warming it up backstage. It’ll be ready in the break. I’m such a fan of the Baldwins. I’ve never been so sure that four people have buried
a hooker together. [laughter] In all seriousness,
I want to thank Alec. Um, in his memoir,
he bravely admitted that he had once
considered suicide. And I just want to say that
that meant a lot to me because I have also considered your suicide. And I have some ideas. I even know what
I’m gonna wear. Alec, thank you so much for
having me here tonight. Thank you. [cheers and applause] [upbeat music] – You are fucking funny. – The Comedy Central Roast
of Alec Baldwin