Anecdota

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Operation Change, Week 1


Hi, thanks for checking in! This is my
first, I’ll be doing one of these a week regarding my personal development
journey. I’ll be telling you how it went for me,
how I liked it, maybe along the way you’ll find something that you like, that
works good for you, that’s what the whole point of this is. So I’m gonna just get
right into it. The first thing that I have decided, or teacher, I suppose I
should say, that I have decided to check out is named Jessie Elder. I found him
through doing some transcriptions for his videos and I was pretty struck by
his presence and so I decided to, well what happened. I’m gonna just be
perfectly honest, here’s what happened, I made the decision to do this year of
change and to invest everything that I have into figuring out the keys to
change, and right after I made that decision I ended up watching a video of
Jessie’s and at the end of the, it was a live stream, and at the end of the live
stream, he did that thing, you know, where you’re like, “Here I have a special on my
courses and it’s only available for so and so time, and so, you know, for $300
right now you’ll get the equivalent of $1200 worth of courses,”
and I was, I, I was sold, I was, I’m just gonna say, it was an impulse buy, which
may end up being not the greatest thing I’ve ever done, which would be
interesting that my very first actual decision in this maybe wasn’t the
best decision ever, but you know also that could be a learning thing and I don’t know yet, I don’t know yet, but here’s where I am on Jessie
Elder. I will link his Facebook page down below if you guys want to check him out.
I actually really think he’s a really nice guy and I think that I might be
able to learn some stuff from him but here’s what’s wrong,
that’s the wrong way to put it, but here’s my resistance that I’m coming
across, he is a very spiritual guy, and I didn’t realize that when I purchased his
three months program thing and I am not against spirituality in any way, shape, or
form but I am stubbornly atheistic, I would say. Stubbornly only because I’ve
tried to change my own mind and have had zero success in that regard and I already have a little bit of like a resistance or a, you know, like a woo loo loo feeling about the personal development stuff, so then when you throw in like
universe and cosmos stuff I’m like, I don’t know how I feel about that so
right off the bat, as soon as I started watching his courses, I was like, oh I
probably should have gone with somebody different for my first one or maybe it
will end up being kind of lucky that I ended up choosing somebody that I
wouldn’t have chosen ahead of time had I known what his deal really was. So
all right, here’s the thing with Jessie. First of all he has this sort of
interesting disdain for the personal development world, which I think is
interesting considering the fact that he is a personal development dude, but you
know you can be in a group, I suppose, and think you do it better than everybody
else does, which I mean, I guess it’s a confidence thing and that’s fine,
but it is a very interesting thing that I see in a lot of his talks and
whatnot is his sort of slight disdain for the rest of the personal
development culture. No ma’am, we already know we already know about that neighbor. So that’s interesting to me and he like I said is very spiritual and very
about the universe and he, I think one of his main tenants of beliefs is the idea
that time is not real and that the past and the present and the future are all
happening at the same time and if we can grasp that idea,
it can help us to heal past things and to manifest our future. So here’s
what I’m gonna do, let me just say right off the bat,
while my initial response to this whole thing is, oh no, we’re gonna download shit
from Universal Google, I don’t get that at all, that’s my initial reaction, I’m
trying to shut that reaction up and act as if I believe, which is basically what
I’m trying to do kind of overall. Belief is a big thing this week or this
beginning part of this journey because I am kind of coming, well I guess, we
already know that in order to make a change, you have to believe that you can
change, and that is something that I have a hard time with because of the millions
and millions of broken promises I have to myself. Even in that regard I’m trying
to sort of act as if I believe this year will actually be different, that my
actions this year will be different, that the outcome this year will be different,
that my life will be different. I’m acting as if I believe that, and so I’m
carrying that into this Jessie Elder thing, and even though I will say that
it’s hard for me because it’s a little googoo gaga to me, I’m acting as if I
believe. Maybe there really is some underlying energy current thing that
connects us all, maybe it’s actually true that time as we know and understand it
does not exist and that in fact everything is happening at the same time.
I’m just going to act as if I believe it for now, for the three months,
see what happens in that three months. In the meantime, the first things that like,
the main courses that I bought that came with this three month membership was a
meditation course, which is a four stage meditation which basically
there’s an appreciation phase and then a phase where you think
about what you want in the future and then a fourth, like a second sort
of presence phase, it’s a four phase thing sandwiched by two, anyway,
girls, boys, I’ve been trying this meditation thing. It’s not easy! And
here’s what I’m having the hardest time with. So the presence ones, in fact, I
thought those would be the ones that would be the hardest for me, like just
you know, not thinking, not… and granted, I definitely have an issue with
shutting my mind off, but I have an easier time with that and sort of
bringing my thoughts back to my breathing, bringing my thoughts back to
my breathing, it’s the two phases in the middle that are fucking killing me. The
appreciation phase, he calls it the active appreciation phase, and it’s the
phase where you are supposed to concentrate on all of the things that
you are appreciative in your world. Every time I start going through the list of
things that I appreciate, I start finding myself immediately following the thought
up with but I don’t deserve it, but I don’t deserve it. I have this incredible
kid, I don’t deserve her, she’s too good for me. I have a car that works great,
that’s wonderful, I don’t deserve it. Got you guys. I don’t deserve you, I’m not
consistent enough. So it’s constant and that I think is very
counterproductive to the idea of it so what I’ve done the last couple of times
to try and sort of get myself through that without constant judgment
throughout that five minutes is instead of thinking of it as things that I
appreciate, which feels, I don’t know, I think, instead of thinking of it as
things I like. I like the sun on my face, long drives, the feeling of swimming,
hanging out with my daughter, I like laughing with her. So I’m thinking
about these things in terms of what I like and that I like them instead of
using the language of appreciation because for right now for me anyway it
backfires. So then we have the second phase, no the third phase of the overall
four phase meditation, and the third phase is the, it’s called, he calls it the
pre-paving, basically it’s like a Secret type manifestation thing where you are
thinking about the things that you want, picturing you in the life that
you want, and I had a real problem with that one for a while because, um, despite the fact that I never actively sought out this like fantasy or
whatever, every time I would start like picturing myself in the future, where I
wanted to be, it always ended up me and in bed with somebody. I don’t know why. Don’t ask me why. I’m like, that’s not something that I’m preoccupied with
in general. It’s kind of the least thing on my mind. I’ve got so many things I
want to do this year and none of them involve meeting anybody.
I ain’t got time for that. I don’t want to have time for that. Right
now that is not on my radar. Yet when I go into this meditation, every time,
somehow it would end up with me in a sexual situation in my mind, fantasy wise.
That has been difficult but the last time I meditated, the thing that I
did that helped avoid that was I started off that phase of thinking about what I
want in my life, I started it off with something with me and my daughter. I
thought me and my daughter are traveling and we’re driving and so because it
started off with thinking about my kid, luckily I was able to take
it into a direction that had nothing to do with sex. So there’s that. I think I can get through those two phases without too much trouble,
and yet and yet and yet I am not super impressed yet with the whole idea
of meditation. I’ve been doing it for about two weeks now, although I will
admit that I haven’t done it every day because consistency is not my strong
point. I shouldn’t say that, that’s bad language. I haven’t mastered consistency
yet. At this point I don’t understand it. I’ve done it maybe
ten times altogether and I’m not understanding the benefit of it. However,
I get that I’m only ten in and for the first eight or whatever the middle
of the meditation was always some kind of screwed up for me so I’m gonna keep
trying and I’m gonna keep acting as if it’s going to do something for me and
we’ll see what happens. I don’t know maybe I just haven’t given it enough of a try. So that’s where we are. I’m trying the meditation, I’ve started the
Jessie Elder thing, I am in his secret super secret Facebook group. Having a
hard time in there too. I find that I get really judgmental of myself when I go to
post in there, which is so odd for me because I am not somebody that thinks
too much about stuff that I post in general and it’s not something that I
normally worry about, oh how is this gonna be received, what are people gonna
think of me, but in this group where I should feel the
safest based on its purpose, I definitely do not feel that. I definitely feel every
time I’m gonna write something, pretty sure Jesse’s gonna judge the shit out of
me for it and that’s a weird thing to, I don’t know why I feel that way
but I guess that’s just something that I’m gonna have to work out along the way.
So I’m having a hard time really getting involved in this Jessie Elder thing,
which is my first teacher which is probably an analogy for my life, I don’t
know. We’ll just have to see. I did a really crappy job explaining a couple of
things so I just wanted a quick aside and say number one, Jessie has not done
anything at all to make me feel that way. He’s super warm, open, welcome, this is
just some shit in my brain so that’s not on Jessie and then also I
should just say that I also could be completely a million thousand percent
wrong about everything I say ever at any time but especially in regard to this
universal cosmos goo goo thing. I call it that
because I have a hard time believing it but I also totally understand that I
could be wrong and maybe it’s all real and that’s why I’m gonna act as if
I believe, because maybe maybe it’s real. Who am I to say shit? I don’t know
anything. Don’t don’t listen to me. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I
don’t know. The next course of his, so I bought two courses; it came with the
three-month membership, bought two courses, the meditation one is the one
that I finished, I still have the journaling one to do next, and
apparently you’re going to pair up the journaling and the meditation and
totally change your life so we’ll see what happens with that. That I’m gonna
start next week, the other thing this week were, so um, I also I want to
start sharing with you guys my favorite video that I watched that week because I
am now watching loads of personal development videos,
reading books, blah blah blah, so I thought I would share with you guys what
my favorite video of the week was each week and this week it was Actualized.org called Self-Image the Amazing Absolute Key to All Personal Growth. – So what’s powerful about the self-image is that anything that you really believe to
be true is something that you’re gonna then align your behaviors and your
actions with and there are many things in your self-image that are complete
horseshit false fabrications complete illusions. – He’s talking about whatever you believe of yourself informs who you are in the world,
and if you believe yourself to be bad at something, or if you believe
yourself to be, you know, incapable of keeping promises to yourself, then that’s
probably who you’re gonna be in the world. And the way he explains it just
was really, I mean it’s something that I think we’ve probably all heard before,
but the way he explained it really, you know, the guy has a good way of
explaining some shit, let’s just say that. My favorite quote of the week, any time
you do anything personal development, you end up coming across quotes and
inspirational shit, you know, Instagram pictures and stuff, and my favorite one
that I came across this week was from Doug Larsen and it is… “Some of the
world’s greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they
were impossible.” You gotta like that. You kinda gotta like that, right? The book I
finished reading this week… Gary Vaynerchuk, he’s my monkey mentor, I love him so much, I can’t help it. And this isn’t actually
a, I wouldn’t call this a personal development book, it is more a business
development book, but still a really good book for anybody who is interested in
building a business or building a brand or building a career, ultimately really I mean anybody wanting any one of those three
things I would definitely recommend this book. So that is my book, quote, and video
of the week, and that’s where I am. I am a sexual fantasizer masturbator, no wait,
that’s not what I meant, I’m a meditator! All right, okay,
major rambling, way too much said, hopefully I can edit about half of this
shit out, without losing most important parts, and I guess that’s, I
guess that’s it, that’s my personal development PD update. I’ll be doing
these every Friday. All right, thanks. Everybody let me know, by the way, let me
know if there’s anything specific y’all want me to check out this year, if
there’s any teacher specific, any course specific, any theory, idea, whatever, if
there’s something specific in the sort of personal development, personal growth
thingy that you’re interested in and would like to know more about, that’s
what this whole year is about is to find out about those things, tell you all
about them, so tell me if there’s anything specific that you would like to
know about and I will find it, I will go out there and I will get it and
I will tell you all about itl. Maybe we’ll learn something. Okay everybody,
have a fantastic day, thank you so so so so so much for coming and hanging,
I appreciate it with all my heart and soul, and I will see you next time, bye.

12 thoughts on “Operation Change, Week 1

  1. This is a very interesting journey for you. I'm surprised at your choice, but I think that it will be good for you to challenge yourself with something which you do not believe. It will help you discover how to believe in yourself, and stop qualifying all of the things for which you are grateful with "but I don't deserve that…"
    You deserve far more than what you give yourself credit.
    Anyway, keep at it. You can do it. If you still don't believe in yourself, remember that others still believe in you.

  2. I dropped trying to 'meditate' really fast, despite my older sister hounding me about it constantly.
    It really wasn't working for me. Made me even worse.

    But I gravitated naturally to amateur journaling, and it's so helpful to safe-deposit and organize my thoughts, disencumber my brain, reflect back on my past findings, etc. whereas I used to be constantly exhausted trying to remember everything..
    My journal is a prized possession. I make sure to always keep a copy of it on a separate hard drive in case my computer crashes.
    I usually write it on my phone memos, throughout the day, before transferring it to my computer regularly, with help from my e-mail box (it's complicated…)

  3. All of this was extremely interesting. I’ve tried meditation too in the past as it was suggested by my therapist but I really couldn’t get into it. My mind never rests and was constantly looping negative thoughts and it was impossible to just clear it all. But anyways, you’re a freaking riot girl lol. I love how raw and honest you’re being. I really hope all of this works out for you. ☺️

  4. Loving this and can relate to your words so much. I've been making efforts since your last video to make some real change on a daily basis. It's definitely hard

  5. To want our life to be different we need to start making things differently. You look so motivated. I admire you. You will achieve your goals💕👏👏I love you. Just go on, don’t give up🙋🏻‍♀️

  6. Finally catching up on your videos~
    Can totally relate to the goo goo ga ga woo woo stuff — doesn't matter how much you tell yourself to BELIEEEEEEVE, you can't force it, so maybe don't stress yourself out trying. Go with the flow, do the activities they ask you to do, but don't beat yourself up that you can't MAKE yourself believe in it (kinda like I've gone to church out of curiosity on many occasions and participated in their songs and listened to their sermons but couldn't make myself have a religious experience like everyone else there).

    There was one more thing I wanted to say, but I might save it for down the line in case you run into a road block.

    Thank you for sticking with this and letting us watch your journey. <3

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