Laughter is the Best Medicine

Our Troops Suck │ Monkey Wrench Comedy │ Means TV

Hello and attention and at ease, friends. I’m here tonight representing the United States of Army… of America I’m stationed here tonight to bring you a confidential missive blessed by General James Norman Mattis, old Nevermind himself. On behalf of the generals of the United States Armed Forces and the Coast Guard I am duly obligated to deliver this communique to all US citizens and whoever hasn’t been deported yet so that y’all
know how to be. Please stay tuned for this official message from the US generals: Please stop supporting the troops until they actually win something. Alright? It’s pretty simple. Until they
win a war, don’t support them anymore. Alright? That means no clapping, no letting them onto the plane. We got to stop this silly and patronizing charade. No more supporting the troops until they
actually win, alright? Because for far too long our troops
overseas have fucked up, shat the bed, generally gotten their asses handed to them. And the generals of the United States Armed Forces and the Coast Guard are sick and tired of it. I mean, just take a look at this fucked up timeline of recent US military actions. Let’s start with the war in Vietnam, alright? That’s where our luck turned. Previous, we were an unstoppable juggernaut of bloodlust and Iwo Jimas and big ships with guns on ’em. But then the goddamn hippie soldiers, what with their drugs and their way too on-the-nose Creedence Clearwater soundtracks and their revealing of massive human rights violations, went and screwed up our hot streak. Alright? Then we stumbled in the Cambodian Civil War. That was a whole thing. Bunch of real good ideas with no goddamn execution! Well, I mean, there were plenty of executions but you understand what I’m getting at. Okay. Then we got the war in Afghanistan. That’s a 17-year-old war. That’s a barely legal war. That’s a big hot honkin’ humanitarian disaster. Got the Iraq War. That one’s not over no matter what we tell you. We got the war in Somalia, intervention in Libya, intervention in Syria, Yemeni Civil War, which I did not know about until I just read it on that slide, and active duty troops in nearly 150 countries around the world, which, for those of you counting at home,
is most of the countries. And yet, the world is still dangerous as all heck. There’s all these refugees out there, swimming. And the United States is no closer to achieving its objectives, whatever those are, so that brings our generals
to the only possible conclusion: Our Troops Suck. Why do they suck so much, alright? I mean, it ain’t money. Half
of all federal spending goes to defense We’re not even going to have school soon. “Oh, but wait!” we hear you argue with your pathetic patriotic mouths. “You’re being too hard on the troops! It’s not their fault that America accumulates wars like they’re buy-one-get-one-free pizza deals! Our soldiers are just regular roly-poly Americans who want to protect the country they love.” And that, of course, is bullshit. You know what you actually support
if you support the troops? A bad attitude. Take a look at this little piece of
business over here. The United States spends more on defense than the next eight countries combined and the third one on that list is Saudi Arabia
which is basically all just American stuff anyway so it’s even worse than it looks. You do not squander that level of financial bootstrap advantage unless you
have a bad attitude. But here’s the ugliest truth about our loser troops. Our lame-ass troops want other
people to do their jobs for them. It gives me no pleasure to say that but it is true. For decades now American troops
have abandoned their God-given right to ruin other countries on a whim to a
bunch of private for-profit security contractors. Aw, poor little troops, is war
so hard that you have to get a bunch of mercenaries who operate with virtual
impunity and absolutely no public oversight and who violate almost every
conceivable international law to come do your dirty work for you? No less an august organ of discourse
as the New York Times recently hopped aboard the
fuck-the-troops train, publishing a piece by Erik Prince, jolly old Mr. Blackwater himself, wherein he argued that private security contractors
and not dipshit troops are actually the key to American victory. If our troops aren’t able to win a
war, then I suggest we follow distinguished private war crimes over
here and let American wars be led by those who want them the most: private
for-profit security companies. Listen, our troops are missing in victory. MIV. And it is time to stop supporting them. In fact, it is time to start being
critical of the troops. As soon as troops get at dubby in the win column, alright, go back to supporting them. But on behalf of the generals of the Armed Forces and whoever’s in charge of the Coast Guard, don’t support these losers. You know, it’s like maybe — maybe they don’t even wanna win. Or maybe, just maybe, America’s wars are imperialist quagmires waged without sense or humanitarian interest and specifically designed to be
unwinnable horrific exploitation of vulnerable areas of the world in
service of almost impossibly evil ruling class and our troops are but
pawns of the military-industrial complex that is hell-bent on getting rich or
destroying the world, whichever comes first. No, no. Of course not. Our troops
just really really suck at fighting So as you goose-step on out of here today, I want you to be indoctrinated with our generals’ message: Please stop supporting the troops until they actually win something. Thank you and I’m dismissed.

32 thoughts on “Our Troops Suck │ Monkey Wrench Comedy │ Means TV

  1. Damn it’s almost like elites shield their imperialist agenda with “respect the troops” messaging while not giving an actual shit about the (mostly poor and working class) kids sent off to war zones

  2. I can’t believe you can actually make fun of the american culture of glorifying the troops in the U.S. beautiful (thank u for ur SERVICE though)

  3. The USA is the most evil country in human history. They will go down in history as people who were worst then the Nazi's

  4. I mean, isn't the public sector supposed to be "worthless and incompetent anyway?" Eric Prince works in the private sector so it must be true…

  5. The only War Veterans that should be celebrated are the WWII Veterans.
    The Veterans fighting in the future War against the U.S. Government or the future War with the current Fascist Administration of Brazil are the next ones that will be celebrated. ✊🏽

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