But the Flipside, guys, is that if they’re going to accept that bullshit- because it is bullshit that we’re like that, it’s fucked up But we don’t want to be like that, but we just are! we have to accept their shit They’re crazy. but they should be crazy because that’s the only reason We’re alive right now, and I’ll explain: back in the day, Caveman times, a girl would have a baby She’d be vulnerable, she’d be like “can you get us food?” and the dude is like “Fnck yeah!” And then he would see a woolly mammoth. He’s like “oh yeah” [triumphant hero music] “Let’s chase this fncking thing” And then he realizes he has no idea where he is Because maps won’t be invented for like fifty thousand years. Then he’s like “aw shit” and then he dies Back in the day. There was no Siri.
[if] You got lost, [then] you’re fncking dead You don’t run into anyone either There was like five million people on the whole planet, right? So she doesn’t get food so she dies, the baby dies. They are all gone: [air noise] wiped off the fncking face of the Earth. –Scenario number 2: [woman says] Will you get us food? The guy says “yeah”. He sees a bunch of berries He’s like “everyone says not to eat those.. but fnck that!” Dead! Poison berries! So she’s dead, baby’s dead, they’re all fncking dead. —Scenario number 3: [woman says] “will you get as food? He’s like “yeah” [but then he] sees another girl’s ass That chick has a dude- wham! He fncking suffocates because he got punched in the throat. So he dies, so his girl dies his baby dies. This is a sad sad tale if it keeps going like that But it didn’t keep going like that! One woman, at some point in history, was like “Will you get us food” And the dude was like “Yeah” And she’s like “bring a map! don’t eat those berries! Who’s that fncking bitch?” That’s real, and then the dude the dudes like “Ihaven’t even left yet! what’s your fucking problem? And the girl is like “my problem is that you’re a fncking dumb animal” and you’re going to get us killed! so get the food where I can fncking see you!” She lived, her baby lived and had babies, and that’s why everyone’s fucking crazy But we need to be crazy to stay alive But here’s the flipside life has gotten a lot easier It’s not poison berries and fncking mastodons ((woolly mammoths))and shit But they still have that gene. I call it Soap Opera Music. women will sometimes get this in their head for no reason. it just [dramatic foreboding ominous music] Like nothing’s causing it, but they think something’s fncking wrong And nothing causes it. And by the way I just did a whole thing about how dudes love draining balls and stuff Monogamy is still “the move”. To be a real man, you have to look into the eyes of insanity and stay It’s not about fncking a ton of chicks. It’s being like “you’re crazy, but [it’s] fine. You want to eat out?” (??)You could probably just lost 6 grand right like just stick it out [anyways] Like that [song] will play in a woman’s head randomly. This is what is in a man’s head from birth until death [upbeat cheerful music] That’s fncking it. We’re good time people, won’t get pissed off. “The dog just pissed on the floor! [happy music] “We got a towel, we’re good” We think in Straight Lines: problem ->Solution ->blowjobs. Linear! Here’s a fight between a man and a woman with their appropriate soundtracks. “[happy music] Hey, baby. How’s your day?” [woman’s soap opera music] “How was my day? Well, you would know if you checked in I uploaded a picture of a sad sunflower on Instagram, with “this is me right now, hashtag real shit” I guess you don’t even care. [happy man music] “I’m sorry, I didn’t have Wi-Fi let’s fuck, you’re so hot i want to fnck you so bad..” “[woman] Said I had a bad day you pump the brakes for a second. Can you just talk like humans? ‘[man] Yeah, I don’t want to fnck. I was just kidding, joking.
“[woman] Oh you don’t want to fnck me anymore??” What’s wrong with me? You don’t want to touch me? You don’t think I’m attractive anymore?” “[man] No. I wasn’t joking! I’m fucking right now. Let’s fuck” “[woman] Oh I see. You just lied about joking you just lied to me you just fucking lied to me [upbeat man music] Just tell me what to say and I’ll say it! That’s it (unintelligible?) (he’s running for US senate?office?cool?what?)