Anecdota

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Rattenkönig [German Comedy Short | 2015]


Auto shop Königs Tiger Hey Dennis it’s me Hey dude, you’re back already, or what? You got a minute? Is Erik around? Yes, he is here, already asked for you. Should I go get him? Listen to me really quick, it’s important. OK I’m totally screwed! The bloody French ripped me off! Stuff, cash, van, it’s all gone, the whole shebang Now I’m stuck and completely fucked They even took my cell phone.
Rotten gypsies, damn rats! OK And where are you now, in France or … I’m in a dump somewhere close to the border Meh. Right out in the sticks Mhm Dennis, … I won’t get off cheaply You got that? Listen … You’re my cousin. You’re the only one I can still trust You’ve got to help me! Ya .. Eh.. I … Dennis! Dennis, Yes or No? Yes or No, Dennis? Of course I’ll help …
– Will you help me Yes or No? Of course I’ll help you I’ve got that shoe box Go to my place, in the kitchen, right next to the sink there’s some scrap paper and empty bottles behind that, at the wall, there’s a shelf there’s a shoe box on it Understood, shoe box … Send that one by mail! Send express! Someway it’s fast What kind of shoes? There are no fucking shoes in it, you dumbass!
Damn, try using your brain! At least I should know what kind of shoes I don’t want to accidently grab some sandals and … then they are the wrong slippers Do I look like a damn hippie, who wears sandals or what? There’s just a single shoe box! I don’t know what kind of shoes are in it, doesn’t matter OK Whatever, sandals or not.
All my money is in that box and no shoes! If you aren’t sure open it and look into it Then you’ll know whether It’s the right box OK I understand. Now I understand And where should I send it to? I can do It during lunch break, but I need to know
where I have to send it to, to what address To what address, dude? Lake Constance I’m heading off to Lake Constance! Lake Constance, what do you want at Lake Constance? I used to know a chick, Barbara I think Ok Barbara, and what’s Barbara’s address? First I have to get there and figure out where she lives And then I’ll let you know where to send it I haven’t seen her in a while
I have to figure everything out first Then I’ll call you and tell you where to send it But now get yourself to my place and grab that box Ok, and how do you get to the Lake Constance? I’ll manage that! RAT KING Hello? Hi! How much is it to rent a trailer? You were already looking in the right spot! You’ll find all you need on those signs I’d like to think you are able to read Or maybe not … What?! Nothing 58€ or what? Plus 150€ deposit cash up front Can I make a call somewhere? Yes absolutely there is a phone,
but just for registered guests and staff So. How long do you wanna stay? A couple of days
– A couple of days. So two? A couple of days
– A couple of days, that means two days to me I don’t know yet! You just said you want to stay “a couple” of days “A couple” means two to me A couple, two people A couple of beers, two beers A couple of days, two days So I’ll get 150€ deposit and your ID So that’s the reason I came here.
I wanted to speak with you about something Oh, you want to talk with me about something? Yes!
– Yes That’s the reason I’m here. I had … I’m in an uncomfortable situation.
I just arrived last night … …got robbed. All my documents are gone My wallet is gone. So I came here to ask you … If you could stay for free No. Of course not! Of course not! How could I even think But? I just thought about if I could … I wanted to ask you if I could have a packet sent to this address? No!
– What? No. Absolutely no way
– What no? No. No means no! That is forbidden and I tell you why.
Specific example: Somebody has a bomb sent to them And the bomb explodes while I’m opening the packet Then I’ll have stumpy arms! How should I do my job then? Look at this: Calculator! Tell me, are you kidding me, or what? Do I look like I’m kidding? Is this your campsite? This is my campsite, since 2008 You know what … I suggest you … to sign into the guest book Then you can have your super very important packet sent to a friend In your best handwriting! What? In your best handwriting. I have to be able to read it Cursive, please! Adolf Hitler Very funny! Give me my pen back! Which pen? The pen I just gave to you I don’t have your pen Oh … then … you know what … keep the stupid pen and get out! Oh, goodness! Goodbye! Fuck you! Son of a bitch! Auto shop Königs Tiger Dennis it’s me What’s the situation, are you at Lake Constance already? Yes I am, but I still have to figure out about the damn address I just wanted to rent a trailer at the campsite. It didn’t work cause I was short on money And I have to deal with a square … Wait a second…? You are on a campsite … In a trailer, dude? How mangy is that? How mangy is that? What else should I do in my situation? Whatever… you could mug somebody. That’s never been a big deal for you Do I look like a damn criminal walking across the campsite, robbing old people? If something happens I’ll get arrested, they send me to Düsseldorf and then … What about Erik, did he say something? Erik is kind of nervous already. He tried to call you a few times and … … the customer didn’t give any response as well Of course, because they ripped me off, I told you that! So you’ve got an address for me?
– Give me your cell phone number 015 … 0175 53 79 896 Dennis … Thank you, dude! Thank you! You’re welcome I also have a private trailer you could rent So this is the trailer. I lived here myself before Back then I was working at the kiosk, but then I started working at the laundromat And then I bought a new one. So I just live next door And what about the garden goblins… there’s quite a lot! And what’s the bar for? I’d feel a bit like being in jail That’s because of the robber bands. They are around here Robber bands? Mhm. At night, they put little tubes … … through the windows. And then they turn on the gas And as soon as everybody is numbed, they rob them That’s why Did it happen to you, too? No I’m Ellen, by the way Hi, I’m Rene
– Hi So how much would it be … … in total, with everything included … all inclusive or whatever it’s called … … If I rented the trailer? 20€ 20€
– Mhm Yes. … Well I mean … Don’t you wanna see the inside? Sure OK
– Ok! Pure luxury camping So I still have that … I … got robbed yesterday … When I arrived They took my bag, my money … I, of course, called home straight away, and told my friend He’ll send me a packet with the most needed things So, .. would it be a big deal if I gave you the money tomorrow? So as it’s off the books, that’s not a problem at all Ehm … If you do me a favor Which is? Come along So, .. in this tree … … there is a murder of crows, making noise all the time So, not right now, I don’t know why Normally they’re always there And it’s so annoying And I don’t wanna have them blown away And I hate scarecrows That’s why I thought about taking that gnome … …and putting it on the rooftop and then nail it down So he can scare the crows away, like a scarecrow, you know? Mhm This one or what? Yep And that shall work? Yes, of course Why don’t you poison them or cut down the fucking tree then? I think the crows won’t give a shit if there is a goblin or not The problem is, that I can’t put it on the rooftop because its weight is about 100kg (200lbs) ho-hum That’s why I wanted to ask …
I already nailed it down on the board So you just have to put it on the rooftop Okay, … then I’ll put it up there for you No problem Damn this fucking goblin is heavy I could have told you before … I’m not the typical craftsman So will you put it up there or not? Thank you! No problem Oh .. here are the keys If you need anything else, I’m always at the laundromat from 9am til 5pm In case you are looking for me … I usually have my break from 12 pm to 1pm, but I have my lunch with me So you’ll always find me there You’re from here right? Yes Do you know a women named Barbara? Barbara is her name, red hair … I think her parents were the former owners of this campsite … So, this packet from my buddy … Could I address it to you in a pinch? No … Auto shop Königs Tiger Did you find the box? Yes
– Did you find the box? Did you find the box? Yes Well okay good Did you see Erik, did he say something? Erik is mad as hell. He wants to fuck you up He’s going to give you a grilling and feed you to the dogs I think if you came here instantly, you could have talked to him about it, but now it’s through Dennis don’t be that naive. What do you think would have happened if I came back? If I came back, he would have knocked all of my teeth out, Dennis Watch your language! If he finds out that I’m in touch with you I can also get myself new chompers! So, where should I send the shoe box to? No idea There is nobody I can talk to normally. I don’t know where I ended up There are just tractors and crappy farmers So where are you? Still at the campsite? Yeah. It’s called Andy’s Campsite I’ll check that out and call you again later Alright I’m ready. Are you coming? Oh yeah baby. Your drumstick is on his way! Good morning Is the gnome still up there? Last time I checked, he was still on the rooftop Listen I …
– Are the crows gone? I don’t think so, they were really loud this morning Listen I … still have the problem I told you about yesterday I have nobody, no address where I can have the packet sent to Then everything …
– Hey, everything fit for fun? Hey Baby I bought a little bit for a BBQ tonight Pork neck from Andy’s dirty dancing and a video Drinking a little bit of red wine. Just the two of us For a little bit of pleasure time It’s time to live in harmony! Who’s he by the way? He’s renting my old trailer Our old trailer! No, honey. It’s my old trailer we are not together anymore Is he also wearing my slippers or what? They aren’t your slippers, honey! My name is Rudi! Caution, bather! I saw you throwing your butts on our beach Dislike! That’s the first warning of three, then you are banned! Calm down Rudi
– So you are the campsite sheriff or what? Can you come around Rudi, somebody pushed over the trash cans at the petting farm again I am! Coming! Do you have a Euro for a chubby hubby? Later we’ll have a nice party together My baby belongs to me! What moron is that? So listen … … this is my address. You can have your packet sent to it I can also nail a few more goblins on the rooftop, if you want Hi this is Dennis, you can leave a voicemail Dennis it’s me. Why is your cell phone turned off now? Whatever! When you listen to this then send me the packet to … Ellen Conzelmann Ellen Conzelmann Seehafenstraße 14 88045 Friedrichshafen Dennis … I rely on you! Hello?! What’s you problem wanker? ##??!!###!!!!! Your schnapps, Mr. Your Hefeweizen, Horst Thank you
– Cheers Thank you Poor boy, why are you so angry? What? I asked you: why are you so angry? I’m not angry So I have to believe you then Sorry. No smoking! Do you have a telephone? Hi this is Dennis, you can leave … Hey boy, I think you have to vent That would be good for you! I can tell you something: Way back, my father told me I have to assume our carpentry business But really I didn’t want to.
I would’ve rather done something with cars, like tuning But that’s how life goes. Now I’ve been doing it for so many years, seething with anger I was crazy angry, but it wasn’t worth it But what can you do? My father passed away meanwhile That means I have to do it by myself now So did you get me? You always have to do your own thing! No matter what’s happening, you always have to do your own thing! Got it? Cheers! Hey
– Hi What happened to you? Nothing It doesn’t look like that I wanted to surprise Rudi But I just caught him, screwing Nicolette from the petting farm A Pony? No She’s working there Probably it’s always her, pushing the trash cans over on purpose So he has to come around So screw that spaz! You are a beautiful girl I don’t know … Well, where I’m from, the sluts have names like Nicolette Or Vanessa, or whatever Chantal You’re such a dork! Would you like to smoke a bit of weed? I’ve got some in … your trailer I don’t need weed But maybe you’d benefit from good company Where can you get that shit from? That’s from France From a dumbass You drove to France especially for that? Do I look 16 or what? Kind of, but not exactly Did you find your friend? Who? Do you mean Barbara?
– Yes Kind of, yes Really, around here? Well, I’m not quite sure about that one Huh? What the heck! That was a former friend of my youth I just met here … … while we were staying for vacation… when I was 15 or 16 years old Honestly I just remember that she’s got red hair … or had Maybe she’s got a Mohawk or anything else meanwhile Or she’s got cancer and lost all of ’em And you met her here on the campsite? The folks owned … I don’t even know if it was that one, but they owned a campsite Your parents? No, Barbara’s parents And that’s where you’ve been? Barbara … She was my … She was my first screw It’s not nice to say it like that Sometimes it’s good to be straight … occasionally Maybe there was also a little bit of love Love … Good morning! Who are you all? Tcha. How are we all? Get that broad away! Eh! Got a nice place to hide, Rene A little gypsy caravan and a hippie slut To each their own I’ve taken the liberty of taking your savings As a down payment of what you owe me Possibly it’s a single payment. I don’t know yet Could be that you can’t get anything straight in your head anymore when we’re done Take a look at Dennis He was lucky, he’s just missing a few teeth I was worried I was worried! I wasn’t able to get you, you didn’t call me. Seemed like you lost your cell phone So I came by Ta-dah! Here I am! Wanna say something? It wasn’t ideal What? Say it again! It wasn’t ideal Oh okay … I see … not ideal! So, do you know what a rat king is? No? Nothing? Ok Never mind! Almost no one knows it. So … If several rats are intertwined, knotted or stuck together… … then it’s called a rat king Because one of the single rats isn’t survivable It’s just a part of the whole disgusting lump You gross me out You gross me out so much! You don’t want me to go “talk” to your doll instead, do you? So just shut the fuck up! Ok? You, ratty Rene, are that small awkward rat! And I am the whole thing, I am the head, I am the rat king! And do you think, … … I’ll let you screw me over? I would never go back on you, Erik! You would say anything now You would say anything now. Just shitty petty ratty words of a shitty petty ratty Rene! I’ll ask you now: What would you do if you were me? How can you bear that? Back to the question Please keep her out of it. It’s just our business! And she’s your business Cling together, swing together! Hey, what’s happening? Release my wife! I wanna see your visitor passes immediately! This is private property! OK. Banned! Banned! Banned! Banned! And you are? I’m Rudi Rudi … I can also call the cops You can also leave well enough alone Can you put the knife away? Banned, Rudi! Really? So, ratty Rene! Where were we? I’m sorry! So, we’re done with the statements It could be that you also have to come to the police station. But we’ll wait for the report first I’ll bring my ID then … We’ll handle that Bloody robber band! The campers have to come up with an idea about that They already had to mount bars around their trailers Right Ellen? And without any success! We never had something like this in the old days It always took all sorts. But nothing like that, for sure The past years they used the daze gas Now they hold a knife to people’s throats. Great, awesome! Nature … It was the act of nature! Nature judges everything! I don’t want to croak like that, for sure They are also just humans But they are really a bunch of scumbags Rudi, I think it’s time for you to go to the ambulance again! Look at you! You are close to going out like a light! That’s what I call battered! That’s how people are these days Just money and rush in their minds So we can be happy to be the normal ones! There’s only one thing left … Ellen, would you mind making me a coffee? Hey girls! You had some party yesterday? Tonight we’re gonna party hard! Did I actually show you my radio? Quite big! And quite hard! Dig in! See ya!

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