Laughter is the Best Medicine

Short, Clean Jokes And Puns That Will Get You A Laugh Every Time

what's the short clean joke that gets a laugh every time what's the difference between in-laws and outlaws outlaws are wanted I bought my friend an elephant for his room he said thanks I said don't mention it I bought the world's worst for Soros yesterday not only is it terrible it's terrible this is my stepladder I never knew my real ladder my friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep I said 40 I bought some shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day two plans are eating a cannibal one turns to the other and says I think we got this joke wrong my wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down what's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter I poured root beer in a square glass now I just have beer my friend says to me what rhymes with orange I said no it doesn't and God said to John come forth and you shall be granted eternal life but John came fifth and one a toaster how many opticians does it take to change your light bulb is it 1 or 2 1 or 2 what do we want low-flying airplane noises when do we want them me 11 why did the old man fall in the well because he couldn't see that well while Diet call a frenchman wearing sandals Philip Philip what's origin sounds like a parrot a carrot I went bobsleighing the other day killed 250 bulbs what do you call a dog that does magic tricks al abracadabra no a blind man walks into a bar and a table and a communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them how do you get to Wales in a car start in England and drive West I found a job helping a one-armed typist to capital letters it's shift work what did the Pirates say when he turned 80 years old I'm 80 I've been told I'm condescending that means I talk down to people what do the movies – tannic and The Sixth Sense have in common I see dead people I used to be addicted to soap but now I'm playing guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch bartender says pal if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line guy looks around but there is no punch line what time does seem calorie go to Wimbledon tennis does seem calorie like hers yes but only partially knock knock who's there dishes dishes who dishes scene Connery a Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three he says you know DOS poof he disappeared without a trace my friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends I really hope it's taut he's cute I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger then it hit me I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger then it hit me I stayed up all night wondering where the Sun went then it dawned on me I forgot how to throw a boomerang then it came back to me at first I didn't like having a beard then it grew on me knock knock who's there whoo-hoo oh now have you heard about those new corduroy pillows they are making headlines did you hear about the invention of the wheel they say it started a revolution two men meet on opposite sides of a river one shouts to the other I need you to help me get to the other side the other guy replies you are on the other side people in debate don't like the Flintstones but people in abu-dhabi do too drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff why don't ants get sick because they have little antibodies where does that can keep his armies in his sleeve ease the Secret Service just had to change protocol for when the president is in danger instead of yelling get down they have to yell Donald Duck how did the hips to burn his mouth he ate the pizza before it was cool how many hits does does it take to change your light bulb it's a pretty obscure number you probably never heard of it if the tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it does it hits to buy its album before you'll criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes that way when you do criticize them you're a mile away and have issues I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician oh and a check one two check one two check one two a dyslexic man walks into a bra if life gives u melons you probably have dyslexia hmm if you have a bar you will need lemons and if you have melons you will need a bra if you have melons no bra and are at a bar you get free drinks the other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick she still isn't talking to me it's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally wanna know the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket wonder how far I can kick this bucket have you heard of Murphy's Law yes anything can go wrong will go wrong what's about Coles law no it's a thin sliced cabbage dripped in mayonnaise and sour cream what said short-form he's only got little legs what's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine a porcupine has bricks on the outside how does the rabbi make his coffee he brews it when you look really closely all mirrors look like eyeballs my girlfriend asks if I would stop listening to Oasis I said maybe give man a guitar and he'll have music for a day but teach a man a guitar and today's gonna be the day that we are gonna throw it back to you my girlfriend is strange she starts every sentence with are you even listening what's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants one is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean what do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus a call from the Ethics Committee and immediate revocation of your grant funding dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding contest upon arrival he realized he misunderstood the objective I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car why aren't koalas actual bears they don't meet the qualifications why do blind people hate skydiving it scares the hell out of their dogs a woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia librarian they're right behind you – cows are grazing in a field one cow says to the other you ever worry about that mad cow disease the other cow says why would I care I'm a helicopter I think a redditors daughter came up with this but I always find it amusing why did the chicken cross the road to get to the ugly guys house knock knock who's there the chicken the police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks they charged one and let the other one off some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date I'm more worried about why they are bringing a knife on their date like most people my age I'm 22 small world time flies like an arrow fruit flies like a banana what happened to the man running in front of the car he was tired what happened to the man running behind the car he was exhausted what do you call a deer with no eyes no idea knock knock who's there – Ana show you're not a shoe I for one enjoy the use of roman numerals a man walks into a library and orders fish and chips the librarian says this is library the man says oh sorry then in a whisper I'd like some fish and chips how do you talk to dead Italians with a Luigi board what do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison a small medium at large how do you find Will Smith in the snow you look for fresh prints Steven Wright has some great short jokes I once bought some use paint it was in the shape of a house I plan on living forever so far so good when I was a child we had a sandbox it was a quick sandbox I was an only child eventually my father convinced me to donate my organs after I died he's a man after my own heart q what do you call an alligator in a vest a an investigator a dog walks into a bar from the construction site across the street and says Jim a beer the bartender says Wow a talking dog you should get a job at the circus the dog says they need bricklayers there what do you call a black man flying a plane a pilot you racist I made a black guy laugh with this so it must be okay what it's zero say to eight nice belt what is a pirate's favorite letter some people say it's Theo but it's really the c2 the guy who stole mine is office I will find you you have my word

44 thoughts on “Short, Clean Jokes And Puns That Will Get You A Laugh Every Time

  1. Did you know that it’s impossible to know which part of your life is the middle?, So I have decided to have an ongoing crisis

  2. What do you call a dog with no legs?

    It doesn’t matter what you call him, he isn’t coming..

    What did the green grape say to the purple grape?


  3. Q:What do you call a deer with no eyes?
    A: No eye-deer
    Q:What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
    A: Bambi's Mum

  4. A man is walking down the road and he sees a banana peel lying on the ground about 20 feet away. To which the man says: "Oh no, not again…"

  5. Direct words from my friend:
    "what's the difference between a black guy and batman?"
    "one can go to the store without Robin."

  6. If you're black and you're dumb, hit yourself in the black of the head. If you're black and you're dumb, hit yourself in the black of the head. If you're black and you're dumb, then your hand will surely show 'em. If you're black and you're dumb, hit yourself.

  7. A beer that makes you laugh, be dyslexic, think you're as tough as a white guy with a red beard and a dead Asian, and then sleep? Chuckly Brew Snorris.

  8. “Why is our car sinking in water!?”
    “Sorry, I thought that’s what you meant when you said we had to drive in the carpool area.”

  9. A guy gets pulled over and the officer says "Papers". The guy responds with "scissors, I win" and the officer shoots him because he's black

  10. I bought some condoms. The kid says, "Do you want a bag with that?" I said, "No thanks, she's not that ugly."

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