Laughter is the Best Medicine

short jokes

I'm retired or as my wife likes to describe it twice the husband for half the income I was born in 1976 and the room right next to it was 1977 my wife and I like to laugh and how competitive we are but I liked laugh more being retired my wife says I get to answer the phone in the door yesterday a man stopped by asking for donations for the Wiseman pool so I gave him a glass of water I told him to come by later if it needs more some of my assets are liquid the Red Cross called and asked if I could donate towards the floods overseas I don't think so my host barely reaches the end of my driveway after my wife and I married she told me what she thought about our first four dates first day Wow nice shirt second date uh-huh another nice shirt third date okay first shirt again fourth date the guy has two shirts we honeymooned in Vegas and I told my wife I wanted to gamble she said no dice two weeks after I retired my co-workers sent me a greeting card we're so miserable without you it's almost as if you were still here the white complimented me the other day by saying she admires how I always keep my chin up I didn't want to tell her it's my new bifocals when my parents retired and turns 65 they moved to Florida they didn't want to but it's the law I changed the name of my toilet from the John to the Jim it sounds better when I tell people I like to go to the gym first thing in the morning when my wife had her carpal tunnel surgery I had to do her makeup for I told her I thought I'd draw her eyebrows too high she looked really surprised my wife says that she has an appointment with her doctor tomorrow so I say your surgeon and she answers no her regular doctor so I asked what makes this doctor a ring dr. she answers I don't know high-fiber I suppose and went to the bank yesterday NASA tell her to check my balance so when I wasn't looking she shipped me really hard no way I was going to tell her I would say any money for a big trip am I the only one that realizes that blackboards are truly remarkable my neighbor Frank is on the Guinness Book of World Records he's had 53 concussions houses in our development are so close together a lot of stones through apartheid say Frank just got a trophy wipe must not have been for first place though do you think dog mommies ever tell their puppies we'll be eating dinner soon don't fill up on homework I hate being bipolar it's awesome there's no I in denial I'm in therapy now I used to be in denial which was a lot cheaper you know what I hate Indian givers no Wayne I take that back I invented a new word plagiarism I just self-published a book on reverse psychology please don't buy it my doctor says I'm suffering from paranoia well I did actually say that but the snipe Tony used when he asked me how are you feeling today pretty much screen that's what he was thinking did I mention that I have deja vu AMD Jie I think I forgot this before what do you get when you cross a joke with a hypothetical question I used to be indecisive but now I'm not sure a sheep a drum and a snake fall off a cliff but um dark humor is like food not everyone gets it saw this headline in the New York Times remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular the Dalai Lama approaches a hot dog vendor and says make me one with everything the hot dog vendor hands and a loaded dog says four bucks the dalai lama gives him a five dollar bill and waits for his change but the vendor ignores him finally the Dalai Lama says what about my change and the vendor says change must come from within what did st. Patrick say when he was driving the snakes out of Ireland are you all right back there lads I intend to live forever or die trying so far so good you know what they say about cliffhangers hmm you

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