Anecdota

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Stalking Your Ex’s Food Blog – Mekki Leeper – Stand-Up Featuring


Hi, everybody. I’m Mekki. I’m Moroccan. Most of my family still
lives over there in Africa so I don’t know why I
look like this, either. But– (audience laughs) Moroccans are supposed
to be like really hot or something but every
now and again they pop out looking like Logic. So– (audience laughs) That’s what happened to me. You know how annoying it is
to look like Logic everyday? (audience laughs) Out of all the rappers,
that’s the rapper. (audience laughs) Every other rapper is like
I’ll do whatever I want. I’ll shoot people. Logic is like if
you’re like depressed, there’s people
you could talk to. (audience laughs) Every rapper is
like I have 15 cars. Logic’s like I’m really
getting bullied online, a lot. (audience laughs) But, yeah, I’m Moroccan and
people say weird stuff about it. Especially now, they’re like
was that ever hard for you? Were people ever
like, racist to you? And it’s like, does
it look like anybody has ever been racist to me? (audience laughs) You think I’m going around
telling racist people my family’s Arab? No, they don’t
think that I’m Arab. Honestly, racist people
think that I’m racist. (audience laughs) I’m trying to fucking
blend in, here, everybody. You know, if there’s a group
of people running around like what’s up, man, we’re
the Steve haters. We beat the shit out of
everybody named Steve. What’s your name? I don’t know, fucking
not Steve, dude. What are you– (audience laughs) Talking about? You know, people
say crazy stuff. They’re like oh,
you’re Moroccan. Does that mean you can
like, say the N word? And it’s like, first of all, you don’t know how
that word works. (audience laughs) They’re like, no, but
you could just explain that your family is from Africa. It’s like, let me
tell you something. If I say the N word, there’s
no one standing around like, let’s let him explain. (audience laughs) It’s not happening. But, I don’t know, I
never got bullied for it because I look
like this, mostly. But I did get bullied,
just for like weird stuff. Like, when you’re a
kid you get bullied for things that don’t
really make sense. Like, one time I got
bullied for taking a shit. (audience laughs) Some kid just slid
under the stall door. It was in fifth grade and
he was like, eww shitter. (audience laughs) And then slithered away
and told the class. And I had to go back
there and be like, guys, that’s what
that room is for. (audience laughs) I don’t know. Also, why is it not
weird that there’s a kid sliding around– On the bathroom floor? Is this your king, is this? We’re going to hear
testimony from a guy that has pee on his shirt. That’s, all right. Great. But they’re all using
like fifth grade brains so they’re like, look man. He was checking to see
if you were taking a shit and you were, so. (audience laughs) That’s on you, bro. There’s nothing we can do. (audience laughs) Our hands are tied,
unfortunately. (audience laughs) You know, dude, when
you’re a little kid you get bullied for stuff
that you’re not even doing. Just like, hypotheticals. People come up to you. They’re like, hey man. If you had an earring, what
ear would you put it in? (audience laughs) There’s so much
pressure to answer that when you’re a little kid. It’s like you’re on a game show. You’re like, I don’t
know, the right? And they’re like,
survey says, you’re gay. (audience laughs) We’re all nine years old. None of us can afford jewelry. And they’re like, yeah
but now we know that if you could afford jewelry, you
would own it in a gay way. (audience laughs) I don’t think kids are going
to be that homophobic in 2019 but I do think they’ll keep
mercilessly bullying each other. And I think it’s
going to start being about their actual
personalities. And that’s going
to be terrifying for some of these
kids, you know? Could you imagine just a huddle
of bullies around somebody like, hey, Trevor. You’re unreliable. Like, oh, geez. (audience laughs) That’s the meanest
thing I’ve ever heard. (audience laughs) It’s like, you flake on plans and don’t finish
projects you start. Fuck you, Trevor. (audience laughs) I don’t care if you’re gay,
you lack follow-through. (audience laughs) You know, the teacher’s
going to come over like all right everybody, why don’t we go back
to the racial slurs? This is too much
for Trevor, I think. You do have some unfinished
assignments, though, Trevor. You should listen to these kids. (audience laughs) Making some good points about
your work ethic, I think. I don’t know, man. I’m glad that that’s done. I’m glad to not be a
little kid, anymore. I have a girlfriend,
now, it’s great. She’s the best. And yeah, one woo,
that might be her. She’s here. (audience laughs) No, I think it’s great because I was terrible at being single. I was single for
years and years and I, okay, have you guys ever
been single for so long that you start accidentally
taking your friends on dates? (audience laughs) I would like, hit up my friends
to hang out and they’re like yeah, I could chill this weekend but I don’t want to go
to the aquarium, again. (audience laughs) I was getting them gifts. I got my buddy a hoodie,
it wasn’t even a holiday. (audience laughs) He’s like, what is this for? I was like, ah. (audience laughs) I spent all my time reading
my ex-girlfriend’s food blog. It wasn’t even interesting, it was just the only place
she forgot to block me. So. (audience laughs) I had to check. There are no photos of her but
she writes about salad a lot so I know she looks great,
which is frustrating. (audience laughs) There was a week where
it was all pastries. I was like, she’s coming back. But, that didn’t happen. The hardest part of that
was always like reading it and then having to follow
the recipe to find out whether or not it’s enough
food for two people. (audience laughs) Like, that’s the only way I
could tell if she moved on. You know? My roommate keeps coming
into the kitchen like, hey man, that’s a lot of pasta. I’m like, it’s not
that much pasta, okay? (audience laughs) This is a normal amount. I’m going to eat this
by myself, for sure. I’m eating it later, I’m like
this is so much fucking pasta. It’s enough for three people. What does that mean? (audience laughs) Very negative, you know? I’m not good at being in a
relationship, either, though. You know, like, I don’t know. My girlfriend now, she’s
like much hotter than me which means that I have to
tell a bunch of little lies to make sure that she doesn’t
find out about that, you know? (audience laughs) Like, we’ve been
dating for two years and she still thinks
that I laugh like this: ha ha ha, definitely. So. (audience laughs) It’s not great, you know? But I don’t know. I dated this one girl in
college for like a year and this is true, that
relationship ended because after a year, she
left me for one of the Temple University basketball
players, that was my school. And it was tough, you know? ‘Cause like, she’s right,
you know what I mean? (audience laughs) It’s always hard going
through a break-up when the other person
has made just like, the objectively
correct decision. (audience laughs) And this guy, he’s like a
division one athlete, right? So I didn’t underestimate
how tall he was going to be or how ripped he was
going to be but I definitely underestimated
how many posters of him there were around
campus, you know? A lot of people go
through a break-up, not everybody has to
see a 10 foot banner of her new boyfriend
going like this. (audience laughs) I swear to God, there’s a
billboard of this guy on campus where he’s gripping a basketball and it just says it’s our time. I’m like, well, I don’t
know if it’s our time. (audience laughs) Feels pretty distinctly like
your time, right now, might be. (audience laughs) You know, the worst part is my
roommates were all huge fans so they would watch all the
games and I’d have to listen to announcers on ESPN talk
about this guy and say a bunch of stuff I didn’t
want to hear at all, you know? Stuff like, oh, Jim. Would you just look at the
incredible strength and stamina of this young athlete. I’m like, all right, that’s
about enough of that. (audience laughs) No, thanks. Like, oh, Steve, you
don’t have to tell me. This guy does
nothing but dominate whatever’s in front of him. It’s like, okay. (audience laughs) Like, oh, Jim, I mean,
could you just imagine with this kind of raw
power and speed, I mean, just how hard he fucks Emily? It’s got to be. (audience laughs) (upbeat music)

100 thoughts on “Stalking Your Ex’s Food Blog – Mekki Leeper – Stand-Up Featuring

  1. I’m pretty sure Emily is gonna see this one day, and She’s gonna be totally bummed she didn’t break up with you harder! Very refreshing set, MORE PLEASE!

  2. He’s back, I love this man and I’ve needed more of him for months… speaking of where is control room episode 2?

  3. Ahh… to be so young…. and so cared. Bless you. Emily is not worthy of your love and wit. Move on and meet the next crazy loverrrrrrrrrr………..

  4. A similar thing happened to me in 1st grade. This girl in my class pressed her face against the gap of my stall and just started giggling, going “haha I see you peeing!”. Like, yes? And?

  5. Is there a Stand-up comic handbook that say the requisite look is hoodie and tight pants and sneakers. I am not saying they have to wear a tux and tails but it's always the same look. I know not an astute observation but something I have noticed.

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