Laughter is the Best Medicine


Our next guest is also doing this for the first time
today, and I’m really excited to see him. He’s super tall so I feel like it would be comedically
comedic if he scraped his head on this part of the ceiling. But I’m going to bring him up with his own song. Struuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuan Struuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuan Struuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuan Struuuuuuuuuuuuan Sutherland Struuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuan Sutherland (Applause) Hi. When people meet me for the first time, they
almost always ask me the same question: “Why are you in my pantry and
what have you done with my baby daughter?” At which point I show them pictures of their
child clothed in cashmere, reclining amongst piles of precious stones,
feasting on white truffles and sevruga caviar and flanked by two majestic stallions, and I say “That’s what I’ve done. I’ve given her a better life
than you ever could have.” (Laughter) One of my favourite comedy things is
when somebody says something to me and I reply ‘That’s what she said’.
Like this one time, my friend was like “You mean we have to be here by five in the morning
even though the bus doesn’t leave until six-thirty?” And I replied “That’s what she said” and pointed at
the woman at the ticket booth who had told me that. (Wild laughter and expressed admiration) Who here likes zombie movies? One time I went to see a zombie movie
in the theatre, and when it was over I came out to find the cinema deserted except for
one woman with Huntington’s disease who was walking towards me, and it made me
think about what a debilitating disease it is and wonder if there was anything I could do to help. But there’s not because I have no experience as a neurologist. (More laughter accompanied by the sounds
of women swooning) The best part about mirrored sunglasses
is that sometimes people will use the reflective surface to check
their appearance, and when they do you can look deeply into their eyes and
pretend for one fleeting moment that you are engaging in meaningful
human contact. (Quiet, more confused bursts of laughter) I went to the ear nose and throat doctor
and I asked him if it had been because of a lack of ambition or a
learning difficulty that he hadn’t been able to learn everything that
the regular doctors had. I think that he was offended because
then he diagnosed me with epiglottitis. (Sporadic laughter) Sometimes I think it would be really cool
if I could talk to animals, but then I remember my dog Max and I realise
that it would probably just be annoying. I think that all he would want to talk about
is Mad Men, because he watches it constantly. (Reaffirmed, more confident laughter) Whenever there is a local unsolved
murder or suspicious death, I like to cut out all the newspaper articles,
pin them to my basement wall, and draw red exes through the victim’s
faces so that when I die, those families will finally have
some closure. (Hysterical laughter, scrawling of phone
numbers on napkins in lipstick) A few weeks ago, I went on a
blind date with this girl, and although she had perfect vision,
one thing that she couldn’t see was that under the table I was
jabbing my salad fork into my thigh hard enough to draw blood,
because there’s something in me that believes I deserve that pain. (Sparse laughter, sound of
napkins being torn) I think soggy bread is pretty gross,
so I don’t know why ducks like it so much. (Gales of laughter, females rhuminating
on the dichotomy of attraction and repulsion.) If I was writing a comedy movie,
I would put in a scene where one roommate is having his girlfriend’s family
over for dinner, and for dessert they are accidentally served a plate of
brownies that the other roommate has made. The reason it will be funny
is that it turns out they are actually vegan brownies,
and nobody really likes them. (Laughter from some, silence from those
who are busy considering whether they
have enough cash to fund the movie described.) One of the best practical jokes
is when you invite somebody over for supper who is allergic to
peanuts, and when he tells you about his allergies you act like
it’s no big deal, because the food that you are making
does not contain peanuts. then when he comes over,
it turns out that your house and everything in it
is made out of peanuts, and so even though he gets a nice
homecooked meal, he has to eat it outside in the snow, and you don’t have
any snowpants that he can borrow. (Comparatively subdued laughter, as a result
of half of the audience actually ascending to
heaven in a moment of sheer, unfettered bliss.) If I was a chiropractor, I wouldn’t
have posters in my office that promoted good posture, because if
too many people read the posters, then nobody would need me anymore.
Instead I would put up posters of my neighbour, Stanley, that said he
was a dangerous child murderer, which would be a good practical joke,
but I actually saw him murder a child once, and I don’t think it’s safe for him
to be on the streets. (One burst of laughter that ends
abruptly. Then silence.) I don’t think I’d like to be
half-man, half-animal, but if somebody ever forced me
to choose, I have a good trick. I would choose to be half-man
half-minotaur, and then I would choose the half of the minotaur that was the man. And then I would smirk and say “Looks like
you’ve been foiled again, Dr. Sorenson.” Because the guy who forced me to choose
is named Dr. Sorenson, and he’s always trying to pull
stuff like that. (Laughter, applause, and expressions
of unending devotion. Fade out.)


  1. @beautifulsenseless Thank you! It went over better than I expected. I would have been satisfied with mildly amused confusion.

  2. @stephenpaultaylor Thank you! Hopefully I will do more. People don't ask me to be in their comedy shows very often. But maybe I'll look for some open mics.

    I'm pretty Canadian alright. But I guess you wouldn't know it unless you pay close attention to my spelling, my pronunciation of the final letter of the alphabet, or read my info on Facebook. And speaking of Facebook, thanks a ton for sharing this! I appreciate it.

  3. @KazeRed09 That has literally been in my head since this happened. Which means that I've been going around singing my own name. I don't think I'll stop any time soon.

  4. Hahahaha this is awesome! Great job! It's cool to see you doing other forms of comedy. But it couldn't hurt to throw another cartoon up. Once again, very well done.

  5. Nice material. I remember playing a couple of songs at an open mic night, the feeling is electric, I bet it was quite a rush for you.

    If you do it again, and that venue will let you use a lav mic and a tripod, you'd be set.

  6. @NickoClaus Thanks! I'll get to posting more cartoons sooner or later. Sometimes real life has to win out over YouTube.

  7. @bowlingballout It was pretty great alright. A mic and tripod would have definitely made the video better. Even if the hand mic had worked it would have been much improved. I didn't even know if I would show it to anybody, because I wasn't sure how it would go.

  8. @antiquecans It was, wasn't it. I think the air freshener in the bathroom was out of fluid, or batteries or something. Somebody could have probably just taken it down.

  9. Haha excellent, great stuff, love the dancing at the beginning by Heidi πŸ™‚

    Haha Stuuuuuuan … Sutherland πŸ™‚

    Good standup routine πŸ™‚

    Thumps up from me PirateSteve πŸ™‚

  10. Very funny stuff. πŸ™‚ ~ Did you really need the jokes to be on paper, or was that just a prop? ~ Some of the CC descriptions were quite good. ie: "(Reaffirmed, more confident laughter)" & the napkin items. :p

  11. @maintoc Well, it was just a prop, but since I knew I was going to use it as a prop, I didn't memorize anything. So, both I suppose.

  12. This is fantastic off-beat material. I love your socially awkward stage persona. …Now if only the joke about mirrored sunglasses wasn't so crushingly true… O_O

  13. I thought it was great! I loved it I am also attempting to do Stand Up and I also posted my first time video on my page as well.

  14. Well some of those were pretty funny. I'm not a fan of the awkward stage presence, though. If I were you I'd lose the bit of paper and memorise it, and try to own the stage a bit more. Still funny though πŸ˜›

  15. @Lizzajr118 Thanks for the comment! I'm sure plenty of people would agree with you, so I can't discount the advice, but I personally wouldn't find it nearly as funny that way.

  16. lol ilove the awkward thing. but make sure you pause for laughter. and remember sometimes it's when you don't say something that its funny. long awkward pauses are funny too. πŸ˜€

  17. This was pretty funny. I've got to say, though, you make me feel unoriginal. I figured if I ever tried stand up, I should do an awkward set, and bring a paper up and all of that. I think I might go for something else now.

    Maybe something like this, but have it be a ruse, halfway through revealing to the audience that the notes are blank and you're actually this incredibly charming, funny guy.

    Oh shit, that won't work either. I'm not charming OR funny. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

  18. Thank you! I am forever in your debt. I'm going to build a shrine in your honour. Please send me one life-sized cardboard cutout of yourself and eighteen ceramic figurines in your image. I'll supply the candles and incense.

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