Laughter is the Best Medicine

The Best of Hasan Minhaj – Muslim Ban, Women’s Soccer & Canada | The Daily Show

– Before we get
into the special, I always wanted to know, what is your favorite memory
of working at The Daily Show? – Oh man, uh, today. – No, I mean like
of, of like all time. – No, right now, this is great. – No, I know you’re really
enthusiastic about things. – No, this is awesome,
like my own desk. This is kinda cool. – [Trevor] That’s still my desk. – No, no, no, I like this on me. It’s my show. – It’s not your show. We’re just doing
a special about– – We’ll be right back. – No, you can’t say
that ’cause the show– – Here it is, your
Moment of Them, the best of Hasan Minhaj. – Here it is, your
Moment of Them, the best of Hasan Minhaj. (audience applauds) – Canada, from their awful beer to their God-awful
Canadian tuxedos, they’ve got a lot to
apologize for, but now, they’ve got a new
reason to say sorry and it’s coming to
destroy America. I’m talking about Syrian refugees. – Thousands of Syrian
refugees entering Canada will sneak across the US border. Some of them will
be ISIS supporters. – [Hasan] Canada’s super
progressive prime minister Justin Trudeau has
already allowed more than 25,000
of these potential
terrorists into Canada. Luckily, I had allies
across the border, these Canucks were
actually doing something about Trudeau’s
refugee invasion, and they were more pissed off than any Canadians
I had ever seen. – People are really upset. – Oh, yes, good. – We’re demanding that
the immigration minister bring in more refugees
and do it really quickly. – What? You guys want more refugees? – Absolutely, we have thousands
of people across the country waiting to welcome
people into their homes. – Are you (bleeps) nuts? It turns out they were
part of the problem, something call the Private
Sponsorship Program. Only in Canada can groups
of five or more people just raise money and bring over
Syrian refugees themselves. It’s like Kickstarter
for terrorists. – Almost 10,000 have been
brought in by groups like ours. – This is just like
Game of Thrones, okay? You’re gonna let these
brown Ice Walkers go nuts up in the North, then they’re gonna cross the
border and kill all Americans. – This isn’t about you. We’re doing this for ourselves and we’re doing it for the
refugees we’re bringing in. – It is about me
if I’m gonna die. – It’s not even that big a risk. Look at the facts. And we don’t say a-boot. – Okay, I’m sorry. – That, we say. – Okay, let’s look at the facts. Since 9/11, zero
terrorists planning attacks have been caught crossing
the US-Canada border, but if you go back
almost 20 years, two people have tried and
one of them was a refugee. Sure, he was caught
and is serving two consecutive life sentences, but it proves you can’t say there is a 0% chance
because it’s way more. There’s a 0.00019% chance. Our border is like a
Starbucks bathroom. Anybody can just walk in
there and blow (bleeps) up. This guy knows what
I’m talking about. – They’re screens by the UN. They’re safe. They come here,
they Canadian-ize. – No, you guys. – Don’t you have more Americans
dying from gun incidents and mass shootings than
from terrorism every year? – But those people
aren’t terrorists. They have mental problems,
there’s a difference. – The difference being
the color of the skin? – Yes, White people
have mental illnesses. Brown people are biologically designed to kill you guys. – Have you met a
recent-arrived refugee? – Why would I go meet
someone who’s gonna kill me? – So we’re gonna decide
not to help 49,999 people because one person went bad? – Yep. That’s the American way. – That’s not how we look at it. We wouldn’t blame all
Syrians for that one Syrian. We don’t blame all
Americans for Donald Trump. – You should. These hosiers just
didn’t get it. I decided to seek out the
man who started this mess, the one Canadian who could
shut this whole thing down. Why are you trying to
destroy North America? You’re letting anyone walk
in and just (bleeps) up. – North America was
built with people fleeing persecution,
conflicts, wars, trying to build a better life for themselves and
their families. – It’s too open, it’s too free. Mr. J.T., I went to
customs and they were like, “What are you here to do?” And I’m like, “I am here to roast Prime
Minister Justin Trudeau.” And do you know
what the guy said? “Have a nice day.” (laughs) What if I came here to
literally roasts you? – You might find that a little
more difficult than you, than you think. (audience laughs) – Are you gonna kick
my ass right now? – Are you gonna
literally roast me? – No. – Then we’re fine. – [Hasan] Things were
getting heated in Ottawa. Luckily, I had
America to back me up. Right now, 51% of
Americans oppose letting any Syrian
refugees into the US. Just like we had the guts to say no to Jewish refugee children, Hungarians fleeing mass
murder and the Vietnamese. – You know, I think
maybe we have better faith in the people
we invite over. – [Hasan] Faith? You’re talking about
the greatest Canadian terrorist threat since
September 11, 2001, the day Nickelback unleashed their breakthrough album
Silver Side Up on America. That’s a real fact, look it up. – You know what? Nickelback’s all right. – But you know what
isn’t’ all right? Terrorists on moose back
crossing our northern border. Mr. Trudeau, you cannot
trust these people. You’re gonna breed an ISIS that’s impervious to
cold, an ice ISIS. Mr. Prime Minister, we are sitting here in the
wake of so many terror attacks. How can you be sure letting
in all of these refugees, that even in .01%
become radicalized, you could be living with
25 different Paris attacks, 25 different Belgium attack, how can you go to sleep at night knowing that that
risk is imminent? – We live in a world where
there are always risks. The question is how much do you want to live in
fear of those risks? The best counter to the
kind of radicalization and marginalization
that we’ve seen in other parts of the world is to create an inclusive society
where everyone, especially Muslim-Canadians, have every opportunity
to succeed just
like everybody else. – [Hasan] Okay, fair point. I’m willing to admit that some
refugees aren’t terrorists, but still, they’re
just so foreign. – One of the great things
about Canadian culture is we figured out that
it’s done by addition. So, you know, you take flavors
and perspectives and experience of the world, and you create something better
than the sum of its parts. – [Hasan] Wait a minute. Flavors, ingredients, he’s
talking about a melting pot. That’s our thing. Are we really gonna let
Canada steal our brand? America has always been the
land of opportunity, and yes, we’ve also kind of always
been afraid of refugees too. But we’re at our best when
we’re staring terrorists straight in the face and saying, “Kiss our red, white, black,
brown, beige, and blue asses.” Or as one American
philosopher put it, “If we were to strive to
reach absolute safety, “we would not have freedom.” Thanks, Sarah Palin,
and thanks, Canada. Superstar athletes
have the life. We’re talking cars, jets, even their pet albino
tigers get cars. But not all pro athletes are
happy with the big bucks. In fact, the women’s soccer team is taking legal action
because they want more. – Players on the US women’s
national soccer team say they’re being discriminated against because they make less than members of the men’s team. – [Reporter] Filed
a federal complaint against the US
Soccer Federation. – [Hasan] I sat down
with three members of the US women’s soccer team to find out why they’re
being so greedy. – We’re not being greedy. We’re just fighting
for what’s right. – Our contributions
to the Federation should be seen as equal
to what the men have done. – Fine, whatever, but
you need to understand that the men made
it to the round of 16 in the World Cup. – Well, we’ve won
three World Cups. – Well, they are ranked 30th in the world. – We’re ranked number one. – Um, they play with so much passion. – We have four
Olympic gold medals. – [Hasan] Humble brags, okay. But how much less could
their pay possibly be? – If we win a match,
we get $1,300. The men, they get
around $17,000. – Whoa. – If the men’s team
loses, they make $5,000. – Five Gs if you lose? Could you imagine
having that much money? – Can’t really image it because we don’t get paid
anything if we lose. – Maybe that’s why
you guys don’t lose. Silver lining. (bleeps) – Kidding me? – Why don’t you guys
just pick up second jobs? Uber driving. After you guys’ games, surge pricing will
definitely be high. Boom, you’re driving fans home
at 1.5, maybe two, three X. – I don’t have time to
go be an Uber driver. We put in our time to win
gold medals for this team. – Well, the US Soccer Federation has its own interpretation
of the pay differences. The bottom line is the women want them to level
the playing field. Oh, and they also
want them to literally level the playing field. They’re constantly forced
to play on AstroTurf, even at the World Cup, something that the men’s
team has never had to do. They don’t play on the turf? – Not one game. – [Hasan] Others would
argue that the women’s soccer team should be
grateful just to play, like Gavin McInnes. Sure, he looks
like an art school dropout with The
Shins cover band, but he has his own show and
is a Fox News contributor. – Women do earn less in
America because they choose to. – [Hasan] Yep, not surprisingly, he thinks the women’s
lawsuit is a waste of time. – Men’s soccer has been
getting 10 times the eyeballs. – [Hasan] You know what? I’m gonna let the
ladies handle this one. – Well, we actually. – Yeah. – Broke the record for the most. – Watched. – Watched soccer game in
the history of America, the team, men or women. – You’re playing a man’s
game by man’s rules. This is the way it
is in our world. You gotta earn it. – No. We’ve brought in, what,
$17 million this past year. – The men lost $10 million in profit for the
Federation this last year. – US men’s soccer still
gets a lot more enthusiasm. Now, why is that? Is that because men’s soccer is more interesting,
more exciting? – Gavin, you’re
down two, nothing. You know what? Let me try to help you. Name three US men
soccer players. – Currently, we
have Bobby Daniels. – [Hasan] Bobby Daniels. Okay, let’s check the list. Nope, not a player. – Ziegler Norris. – [Hasan] Also not a player. – And the guy known to
everyone as June Bug. – [Hasan] Come on, man. If you’re gonna make up fake
names, do better than June Bug. If lunatics like this
are against the women, who’s on their side? – Billie Jean King. – 100%. – I mean, she’s done so much for women’s sports. – Who’s that? – Tennis player. – I don’t, I don’t. – [Reporter] Tennis
star Billie Jean King has long been campaigning
for women’s rights. – Damn. Turns out, Billie Jean King is a bad ass tennis
player, but also, she paved the way for
equal pay in tennis when she defeated Bobby Riggs in the 1973 Battle of the Sexes. Let me get this straight. All you did was defeat a man, and now you have
equal pay in tennis. Problem solved. – It wasn’t easy-peasy, man. When I played Bobby Riggs,
that was about social change. Our ratio of prize money
was about eight to one, and I think the women’s
soccer’s four to one, and I know what
you’re gonna say. – Progress.
– Improvement. – Improvement’s not enough. We’re supposed to be so
happy if we get one crumb. Oh, thank you. I’m so grateful. – You’re welcome. – We deserve the
cake, the icing, the cherry on top too,
just like the boys. – So, let’s put some cleats
on you, you play the men, and let’s get them ladies paid. – You’re missing the point. – Okay. I will play the women. – Do you honestly
think you can keep up with the women’s soccer
players, seriously? – We will do a
Battle of the Sexes BJK style because it
worked for tennis. – No, we’d crush you. – Bobby Riggs was a
champion in his sport. – We didn’t even know
who you were until today. – Um, I played
two years of AYSO, and I have also won
trophies for effort. – This is definitely a
different level than that. – [Hasan] Okay, fine, so the Battle of the
Sexes is a bad idea. What else can we do? – People have to get to know us. So we need to really
get behind women, get behind them with
money, exposure, give them more commercials. – [Hasan] A commercial, yes. I could see it now. – [Narrator] You
can defy the odds. – I became one of the
best players in the world at the age of 17. – [Narrator] You can be great. – I scored a game-winning
PK in a World Cup. – [Narrator] You
can make history. – We won three World Cups
and four Olympic gold medals. – [Narrator] You can
aspire to be less than. – Wait, what did you say? – [Narrator] You can be just
as good as any other person as long as that person
doesn’t have a penis. – Are you kidding me? – And for all that hard work, you can make four
times less than a man. – I don’t think so. You can treat us equally. – [Ali] You can give
us grass to play on. – [Becky] You can pay
us what we deserve. – [All] Just (bleeps) do it. – Please do it. All campaign, Trump was like. – I think Islam hates us. Total and complete
shutdown of Muslims. They’re not coming
to this country. – Now, as President, he’s banned immigration
from these seven countries. Everybody’s like, “Yo. “Is this the Muslim ban?” – No, it’s not the Muslim ban. – Right, right, but is it? You’re Hasan the Record. This thing on? Trump’s executive
order blocks anybody and everybody from seven
very Muslim countries, and the Mideast and Africa
from entering the US at all. Now, this may not
be the Muslim ban, but it’s definitely
a Muslim ban. But hold up, can he do that? Since Trump signed the order, all of my melanin bros
are calling me up like. – Dude, this is America. We’re like the best at
religious liberty, okay? He can’t get away
with this (bleeps). – That’s right, he can’t
get away with this (bleeps). Even my constitutional
law bros are like. – He might get away
with this (bleeps). – Oh, that’s right. While a ban based explicitly on religion is probably illegal, one based on nation
of origin isn’t. Oh, shit, loophole. By implementing a
ban based on people from certain countries,
you know, the Muslim ones. Okay, don’t play that. People are gonna get scared. Good. Basically, Trump can
achieve the same goal. It’s like this. Imagine if this adorable
bulldog is a Muslim. (speaks in foreign language) – You can’t hate this bulldog. That’s be wrong. But put him in this
Somalia sweater, and it’s totally cool to be
like waterboard that puppy. Aww. Our hatred of bulldogs
was legalized in 1952 when the Immigration
and Nationality Act said when the President
finds that the entry of any aliens would
be detrimental to the interests of
the United States, he may impose any restrictions he may deem to be appropriate. If you experience an erection
longer than four hours, please call your doctor. Ah, translation? Yo, yo, yo. Aliens are detrimenting
our interests. I gotta do restrictions
’cause national security. Historically, presidents
have justified a lot of stuff with
national security. It’s basically like a
star in Super Mario Bros., or bath salts in Florida. It makes you invincible. Trail of Tears? National security. Chinese Exclusion Act? National security. The guy who wrote Peace Train? Oh, national
security to the face. Okay, so Trump’s
ban is barely legal. Didn’t he also say something
about a Muslim database? – Beyond database, we should
have a lot of systems. – Oh, dang, but
Trump’s executive order last Friday doesn’t mention it. Probably because databases and
registries are problematic, and we’d never do one. Get woke, get woke. Woke up. We did do one. In 2002, the US began
the National Security Entry-Exit Registration
System, or NSEERS. The program forced
people entering from 24 Muslim-majority
countries to register and regularly check
in with authorities. The NSEERS Program
accomplished the following: it placed 13,000 people
in deportation proceedings including one Lebanese
Christian dude from Texas. Hee-haw. And out of 83,519 cases, NSEERS caught zero terrorists. That’s right, zero for 83,519, the worst shooting
percentage in history. The dude behind NSEERS
was Kris Kobach of Kansas. I’m sure that’s
just a coincidence. Kobach sucked so hard at his job that he became a key immigration adviser to President Trump. Kobach’s literal number
one idea for Trump, NSEERS. But here’s the orange line, bans and registries like these only affect foreign nationals. So if you’re an American
citizen like me, nothing to worry about. – We were American citizens. – Oh (bleeps). It’s Japanese-American
George Takei. – Because we looked
like the enemy, we were treated like the
enemy and imprisoned. – Okay, so it happened once, and the law that
allowed interment has never technically been
overturned, but, but, but, that could never happen today because now we have smartphones. Whoa, what I just
said was so real, and it’s like I always say, injustice anywhere is a threat
to justice other places also. Go to
to cop your Minhaj mug. Keep your tee tight
and your mind open. Tune in next week when I go Hasan the Record
on Jeff Sessions. Just because someone says
something racist, is it? Think about it, y’all. See you next week. (audience applauds) – Hasan, how are you
feeling right now? – Trevor, like many Americans, I have spent the last 12 hours refreshing the
Canadian Immigration website which keeps crashing. So I am panicking because melanin doesn’t rub off. But look, Donald Trump won. We gotta take the L. He spoke to people who
felt ignored by Washington and want their jobs
back, and I understand. I don’t quite get
how you get there by electing a guy who
collects bankruptcies the way Michael Jordan
collects rings, but okay, they deserve to be heard and
last night we heard them. But I can’t forget
something else I heard. On December 7, 2015, Donald Trump called for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims
entering the United States. I remember that date
because it’s the birth date of the worst (bleeps)
day of my life. Seriously, how is that not
instantly disqualifying? Even if that’s not why
most people voted for him, open racism should
just be a deal breaker. You personally may not be a
racists, sexist, xenophobe, but that comes with
the package, right? Like if a car comes
with heated seats, you may not want them
but you’ll take them. – Yeah, but then
if the seats go, “Hey, don’t sit on
me, camel jockey.” – You should be like, “Hey,
I don’t want the car.” – Makes sense. – So if you take that deal,
what you’re telling me is, “Hey, man, I don’t hate you. “I just don’t care about you.” – You know though,
there is a chance, and I know it’s
weird to say this. There is a chance that maybe he’ll end up being
more moderate. – Ah, die of xenophonia. That’s cool. (audience laughs) Low-calorie racism,
mm, like what? This is a true story. My mom is out of the country right now. She’s visiting my grandma, and she’s a US citizen. She’s lived here 30 years. She’s on the phone with me
last night and she’s like, “Hasan, I don’t know if I
can come back until February. “Am I gonna be able to get
back into the country?” The fact that I
can’t tell her yes with 100% certainty
is heartbreaking. There are a lot of
people telling me, “Hey, man, don’t worry. “Trump’s not really
gonna ban all Muslims.” But I don’t know, man. That is my mom, and I need her back home because I love her
and she owes me $300. (audience laughs) – Thank you, Hasan. Hasan Minhaj, everybody. (upbeat music)

100 thoughts on “The Best of Hasan Minhaj – Muslim Ban, Women’s Soccer & Canada | The Daily Show

  1. Can you imagine fleeing your home and country to just not die and have so many people willingly turn you away and leave you stranded. America has become so heartless.

  2. I'm a simple man. If you wanna know about islam, then read the Qur'an.
    If you wanna know about Christian, then read the bibble.
    Also if you wanna know about the other religion.

  3. 19:39 I got call too in Somalia my kids ask me if they come too I Lough I said what u talk about .. they watch news n ppl who was around u going to be in Somali never your mom again they were scary I said I don't watch I don't follow what that said..u guys okay u born USA I will come get u soon …ban scary all family why in place?

  4. Muslim American will have voice soon we will test freedom religion if real or not truth need come out witch way are standing 💯

  5. I love that Trudeau was actually willing to go on an American comedy show. This is the best Prime Minister ever. The US needs a leader like this, now.

  6. I did not know that getting paid less meant that the men got paid $15000 vs $1300. America should be ashamed. Specially because the American soccer team sucks huge balls.

  7. Us women soccer team….. so much for equal pay but you lost to fc Dallas under 15 lmaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooopooo

  8. Hasan is such a fraud. I’m glad they kicked him off the show.

    Now let me tell you about the patriot act, it’s amazing.

  9. For the female footballers, demanding equal pay from the US Soccer Federation does make sense.

    Although asking for equal pay from FIFA doesn't make sense, as the overall viewership of men's FIFA WC is more than women's, unfortunately.

  10. Bc nobody fucking watches female sports so stop demanding equal pay. It will never ever happen. Nobody watches female anything except for porn. Nobody goes to their games, nobody tunes in on satellite tv or even fucking radio. Or even pirate their live matches. Nobody fucking cares abt women's sports bc its so goddamn boring. So stop tryna leech n cheat the system bc of fucking millenials and their stupid corrupt agendas that is just made up by lazy privileged cunts.

  11. i keep trying to hold myself back from disliking he video. I have to keep reminding myself that he's muslim and being sarcastic.

  12. "White people have mental illnesses but BROWN people are biologically designed to kill."
    The literal reality of the world we live in.

  13. The part with woman’s soccer team made sense and it’s dumb that they do not even get paid when they lose but at the end of the day the men are still technically better, there just playing other men

  14. Women’s soccer only gets a decent audience every 4 years, every world cup, and not that many people watch it. The USMNT gets watched year round by lots of people, and has players playing for recognizable club teams as well, such as Christian Pulisic, Alfredo Morales, DeAndre Yedlin. Sponsors would obviously pay more for these big name players to wear their gear or use their products.

  15. i love hasan but justin fucking trudeau is a coward a fuck boi a fucking loser stop fuccing with first nations it's kwe all day mothrfkr

  16. America is the only country that calls football soccer and one more thing the US female team doesn't face a team like the men
    Imagine facing France man's team the US would get destroyed

  17. Let´s give the USA Women Soccer players what they want if they beat the U17 USA boys team. But if they are badly beaten for more than 3 goals, the boys will receive the whole salary the broads get in a year. In fact, the U15 boys team would beat them too, in that the bet could be that the girls will initiate the boys in sex.

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