First of all, I would like
to tell my audience.. Kapil..
Kapil.. Thank you.
– Kapil.. Kapil.. Kapil..
– Thank you. Kapil.. I would like to tell
my audience that there is a fault
in this jacket. I have lost weight.
– A lot. Ms. Archana, a few
people have a fixed schedule. They visit their
grandma’s house in their summer vacation. Right. One loves his grandma.
– Right. Maternal uncle
gets into trouble. He has a tough time. His niece and nephews
come together. Then he loses his cool. He spends his day
filling water in the cooler. While filling the cooler he tells his father.. ‘Dad..
Dad, when you had sister and me’ ‘then why did you
have three more?’ ‘They have come
with their children..’ Right. They face a lot
of problems. When people go
on a vacation.. They have a system. People give their rating. Right. How was your experience
in the hotel? It’s all right
to give ratings to a hotel. Some people are so stupid they give ratings
to the Taj Mahal. ‘3.2.
We didn’t like it much.’ People who give ratings.. You must see
their bathroom. Even the tap
is not in a good condition. And they are giving
ratings to the Taj Mahal. The foreigners visit India and they get clicked
in front of the Taj Mahal. Indians visit the Taj Mahal and they get clicked
with the foreigners. They stand with them
and give this smile. They are happy. When the foreigners
go out they follow a few things. ‘Don’t forget
to carry your passport. Your license.
– Okay. The shopping
is entirely different. They purchase a book. They read the book
on the way. Our list is different. ‘Did you buy vomiting tablet
for aunt?’ ‘Buy a few diapers
for the baby.’ Their shopping is different. There are people
who would sleep at 2 a.m. when they are at their house. But when they
travel in the train then they make bed
at 9 p.m. They are not feeling sleepy. But they fear
that someone might come and sit. But there are people
who are stubborn like me. There is hardly any place.. Yes. They manage to sit there. Then the one who is sleeping.. Yes. He has covered himself
with a shawl. Yes. He takes out his thumb. He starts pushing him. Superb! So..
What will he do? He doesn’t get up. He feels the pricking. But he.. Then the man with the shawl
starts talking. ‘Sir, where are you going?’ He says that he will get down
at the next station. ‘Look at your thumb.’ When there’s a chips vendor
in the train.. Then we don’t feel like eating. When he gets the lentil.. He chops onions. Lemon, onion.. He squeezes
the lemon and mixes it.. Wow. So.. Two people are already
buying it. Two people are buying and four people
are craving for it. My mouth is drooling. This is how he is
staring at them. Your mouth is drooling, right? This is how they look
at them. That is also fine. Then there’s a vendor
who sells radish. He cuts the radish
into four parts. Yes. It looks like a flower. With the ‘Chutney’. Suppose the train is
going to Mumbai from Delhi or to Delhi from Mumbai.. We have reached
Ahmedabad. The vendor started
selling radish from Ahmedabad. You have the radish. You will be fine
till Gwalior. No.. No. The radish shows it’s effect
after Gwalior. The relation formed
from Mumbai to Ahmedabad. They spoil from Gwalior
till Nizamuddin. Then.. Some people do
so much drama that we will be forced to open
the window of the AC coach. There will be some people who
stay in towns nearby the cities. Say at a distance
of around 200 kilometers. They neither take a train
nor a bus to visit the city. They set out on their bikes. After travelling on
the bike for around four hours their back side will become
completely stiff. That portion becomes
completely stiff. When they reach
their in-law’s place and try to get down his in-laws will think
that he is very arrogant. Because they don’t know
he has come on a bike. That poor person’s body
would’ve become stiff because of riding
the bike for long hours. The same thing happens
when people go in buses to different cities
to attend marriages. When the groom’s family
travels to the bride’s city with their relatives
and friends. A lot of problems
happen then. They take the name
of old people in the bus. Some people over
eat or get drunk before getting into the bus. Then they ask
to stop the bus saying that some old
person wants to relieve himself. That’s only an excuse. Once the bus stops,
all the people in the bus get down and start relieving
themselves on the roadside. And few kids will
be very naughty. They would be aiming
at the rat hole. The rats will be cursing them. The rat will
curse them saying ‘You scoundrels, darn you!’ ‘This is our bedroom.’ This happens. When a couple is
travelling together the husband gets irritated
seeing the luggage. He will yell
at his wife saying ‘What was the need
to take so much luggage?’ ‘Can’t you travel lightly?’ ‘What is the need
to carry the water cooler?’ Water cooler! He will carry only
his two suitcases. But when his wife
is travelling alone he makes sure that she
doesn’t forget anything. He keeps reminding
her repeatedly. He says, ‘Listen, you are
going there for a month.’ ‘Make sure that you
don’t forget anything here.’ He will be worried
that she might return early. You know, some people
try to avoid paying money when they visit paid toilets. For instance, our Dinesh. He came to know that it is
free for kids in paid toilets. So, he took a kid along
with him to the paid toilet. He made the kid stand beside him
and started using the toilet. A person who was
listening to the sound from outside was shocked. Thinking, how can
a kid be so full? God! When many of you travel or when someone visits you you might face problems, right? If any of you want
to share your experiences you are most welcome. Yes, sir. Yes, friends, my name
is Sagar Chautalya. Who asked you your name? I am telling it on my own. Okay. Sagar. Why did you say ‘Yes, friends’
in the beginning? ‘Yes, friends.’ Yes. Yes, friends. Yes, I am a villain. Where have you come from? Borivali. From Borivali?
– Yes. Okay. Mr. Kapil, I want to tell.. I want to share something.
– Go ahead. I was travelling
to Ahmedabad during the kites festival. I saw a girl in my bus. And she also noticed me. Oh!
Even the girl noticed him. You were headed to
Ahmedabad, is it? – Yes. Okay. That girl looked exactly
like my ex-girlfriend. Oh! – Is it? I was happy seeing her. While I was looking at her,
she said to me ‘Can I ask you something?’ I said, ‘Of course,
silly girl.’ Wow! Then she normally told me,
‘I am new to Ahmedabad.’ ‘Will you show me around?’ Is it?
– I said, ‘Of course’. That’s what I was wishing for. Then I told her,
‘There is Manik Chowk’ ‘and River front
in Ahmedabad’. ‘Even I am here with you.’ ‘We can go around
Ahmedabad together.’ Is it? So, I kept talking to her.
I am frank by nature. So, I continued
the conversation with her. All my friends had
got down from the bus. I went further in that bus. After travelling for about
3 kilometers, I came to know that I had come past Ahmedabad
and I hadn’t noticed it. Okay. Then I realised
that I should’ve minded both the girl
and my destination. I should’ve minded both. Right. Sagar, you talk so sweetly. Yes, sir.
– What is your profession? I am into stock market. Is it?
– Yes, sir. What is your age?
– 25 years. 25?
– Yes, sir. You have become mature
quite early. – Yes, sir. Thank you.
Thank you so much. Anyone else? Yes. How were you cheated? Hello, sir.
Hello, ma’am. Hello. Sir, I am from Delhi. Okay. Once my cousins had come
to my place to see Delhi. Okay. They wanted to go around Delhi. They wanted to visit
The Red Fort and other places. So they told me, ‘Brother,
lend us your bike.’ ‘We want to go
around Delhi.’ I said, ‘Fine,
you may take my bike.’ Okay.
– I lent them my bike. After that they said, ‘Brother,
lend us your shoes as well.’ ‘Ours have become
a bit dirty.’ Is it? – I gave them
my favourite shoes. Had they come barefoot
from their house? They are borrowing
everything from you. No, sir,
they had got their shoes. But they had
become a bit dirty. Is it? So they said, ‘Brother,
lend your shoes to us.’ I said, ‘Fine,
you may take them.’ I gave them my shoes. Then they said, ‘Brother,
my mobile is a lower end one.’ ‘The camera in it is not good.’
– God! ‘We want to take pictures.
So, lend us your cell phone.’ Is it?
– I had purchased a new mobile. Okay. I told them, ‘Sorry, I can’t
lend you my mobile phone.’ Then they went
to my dad and asked him to tell me to lend
my phone to them. I didn’t want to lend it,
even then I gave it to them. Since my dad had insisted. After that,
they went for an outing. On the way they
made me pay a fine by breaking traffic rules. Is it? – Oh, God!
– Yes. And when they
were returning home they met with
a minor accident. They had got some
minor injuries. Though they had got injured,
but I was in pain. His motor bike.. – Because of
the motor bike, right? Yes, sir. The headlight of
the motorbike was broken. And even my shoes
were damaged in the front. And, sir,
the most important thing the display and touch
screen of my new mobile.. Everything was damaged. Then? Though they had met
with an accident but I was the one who went
through a lot of pain. You are from Delhi, right? Yes. Where are you staying here? I have come here for a holiday.
I am staying with my friends. Okay? For how long
have you been in Mumbai? Around 12 days. 12 days..
You should return to Delhi now. Sir, I will return today. You were complaining about what your cousins had
done to you just now. You, too, would have done
one thing or other when you visit other
people’s house, right? Actually, I don’t visit
other people’s house much. But you are
visiting Mumbai now. You have been
here for 12 days now. The friends with whom
you are staying will tell what you have done.
Has he come with you here? No, I have come alone. He, too,
might be telling on some show that a friend is visiting
him since 12 days and is not ready to leave. Actually, I welcome you.
Go around Mumbai. Enjoy! Thank you. Ms. Archana, we are expecting
some special guests. I should go to receive them.
– Sure. Please wait here.
– Sure. You can go change if you wish. Kapil!
– Kapil! Inspector Shamsher Singh
reporting, ma’am. Yes. – Who says
police doesn’t arrive on time! It is a 9:30 show.
– Yes. And I reached here at 9:29. And if I get late despite that,
then you should blame this show ‘Superstar Singer’.
– Yes. One minute.
I’m getting a call. Hello. Yes! Greetings, sir!
The thief is running away? No problem. Tell him
that he must win gold medal. Oh, he is not running
in a marathon? Then what’s the point?
Punch him three times in the gut and put him back in the jail.
Yes. Oh, God!
– He also has a gun? Oh, someone must be passing by.
Ask for their help. Look, find a place and hide.
Thieves and thugs are prevalent. The police must remain safe.
Hide! Go hide! Ms. Archana.
– Yes? You won’t believe me.
The department has given me four constables
and a dog. – Okay. You won’t believe me.
The dog is so loyal. I sold it four times
but it always came back. It is so loyal. But these constables..
They are not loyal at all. Oh.
– Two of the constables used to work under me.
But they’ve become SPs now. Now I need to salute them.
They’ve no loyalty. No loyalty.
– Though I’ve worked very hard to become a policeman,
Ms. Archana. – Okay. When I went for the recruitment
drive, they asked me to run. I snatched a woman’s chain
and ran away. I needed inspiration to run. Then they asked me to puff
my chest. I puffed my chest. They asked me to puff
it further. I asked them, will I be wearing
a uniform or a blouse? I mean.. But, Ms. Archana,
let me tell you.. A policeman’s job is very tough.
Especially those assigned to drink and drive duty.
– Okay. We need to smell people’s
mouths to stop drink and drive. Yes. – After smelling
all kinds of people our own mouth starts
smelling like mix cocktail. Oh, God!
– We smell so bad that our wives refuse
to touch us. Thank God that I’m nearsighted.
So I have two kids. Otherwise, it’s very tough. I’m very honest.
You won’t believe me. I once found a time bomb. I took the watch
from the time bomb. And submitted the bomb
in the police station. I was trying to set my watch
and the bomb went off. I don’t know how.
I couldn’t think of anything. Okay, so the bomb went off
and four walls of the station and two constables went missing. I mean, the walls
are inanimate. I get it. But the constables should’ve
informed before leaving. Indiscipline people. Our police has become digital.
– Yes. We can write reports
etcetera online. But we need to go in person
to beat people. You won’t believe me.
Our police station had CCTV cameras.
– Okay. One day a CCTV camera
got stolen. – Oh. We checked the footage
and four of our own constables got caught.
The system is so damaged. We had the cameras taken down.
Otherwise, we all would’ve got caught.
Wonderful. I don’t know what
the public’s problem is with a policeman’s belly.
If you have a paunch the public says you
should be leaner. Is our belly blocking
the traffic on a highway? Anything! You should fear the police
as much as you fear your wife. Oh. – And you should
love the police as much as you love your
neighbourhood women. Then you’d like the police. Though the police and the wives
have the same zodiac sign. Both are suspicious of men.
– Okay. The police hurts you with its
remand and the wife hurts you with her demands.
It’s such a huge problem. Inspector..
– Inspector.. You’ve always looked
double to me. I must’ve had a good drink.
I see two of them. Why am I seeing double?
– Double? I’m single.. Good news.
I’m also single. Okay, so let’s mingle.
After that we’ll make little jingles. What do you need?
– Sir, I need to file a report.. A report.. Who wants to file a report?
You or you? I need to file a report..
I don’t know about her.. She doesn’t know about her. One minute.
Tell me one by one. The law will help everyone.
Who needs help? I want the law to help me,
not everyone.. Were you born in a hospital
or a photocopy shop? Which one of you
is the original? I’m original..
I don’t know about her.. Don’t know about her. What is going on here? Will you write my report or not? What is your report?
Tell me. I’ve lost my baby..
– People affectionately call me baby.
Take me. Oh, not my boyfriend..
I’ve lost my phone.. Anyways, boyfriends
are like SIM cards.. One goes and another comes,
but not phones.. Wow! What do you want?
Boyfriend or phone? Of course phone.. Just that? Give a missed call,
you’ll find it. I don’t have my phone..
How will I give a missed call? People grab other people’s
chairs here and you can’t even
give a missed call? I’ve lost my phone
and you are cracking jokes. We need to crack jokes here.
– Yes. Even you have to crack
after a few days. Double role won’t work
every time. Otherwise, they fire people. Whose phone is missing
among you both? Mine is missing,
I don’t know about hers.. Either of them do not know
about each other.. No one knows about anyone. I don’t even know
your phone number. I don’t give my phone number
to any stranger.. Not a stranger,
you can consider me a friend. Tell me your number. Nine.. Eight.. Seven..
– J-Just a moment.. Six.. Five.. My phone is ringing
in your pocket? What’s this? Fear.
The fear of police. The thief had already put it
in my pocket out of fear. I got it all, Inspector. You got it all, right? So, whatever you want to give,
just put inside my pocket. Shut up. Shut up?
– Shut up. They are bad in English. They are bad in English. They’re asking me to shut up,
instead of expressing love. It happens sometimes.
The English becomes weak during
rainy season. Oh..
– Oh.. Such a tall girl. However, it’s not allowed
to break the rules but you can hold me close
to you if you want. Shut up.
– Thank you. I said, shut up.
– I can understand. I told you a while ago
that English becomes weak during rainy season. She actually wants to say
that she loves me. Stop this rubbish.
Where’s Kapil? Just forget Kapil.
You just stay with me. Anyways, if you stay
with anyone else then he’ll get arrested
for keeping heroine. Let’s sit and talk.
Come on. You’re wasting my time.
– Then let’s go on a date in some restaurant. I am not available,
I’ve signed movies. You can take out some time
for me as well. Even I’ll become happy. How will you become happy?
– You’re so tall. You can just look and tell me
how far the culprit has gone. I’ll go and catch him. You’re trying to be fake. I am having a doubt whether you
are a real policemen or not. I’ll show you
how police behaves. Come with me.
The Patiala Police. It’s not Patiala Police,
it’s Patiala Peg. If you have two pegs,
you’ll be too high. I know.
I have the experience. They’ll beat you
black and blue. Police!
– If you call the police then you’ll become an auntie.
You must have heard that. ‘Auntie will call the police.’ Just shut up. Inspector, where are you? Diljit..
– Diljit.. Are you bothering the girl? No.
– Hey! You were calling
the police, right? – Yes. He’s a Sikh man. Listen. I love Sikh men.
I am not scared of Sikh men. She should be scared
of Sikh men. Because if Mr. Sidhu returns,
then she’ll lose her place. Are you giving her
personal security? Yes.
What are you doing? Before you arrived, I was
flirting with her. – Yes, see. However, I am suspended. Suspended.. – If you keep
saying all this then you can even get
fired from the job. Understood? Please don’t do this. My wife
is expecting six children. Six..
– Expecting six children. You just stay here with her,
I’ll send Kapil Sharma. What’s there to get angry about? A huge round of applause
for Diljit and Kriti. Hey.. Yes..
– Yes.. A huge round of applause
for Kriti and Diljit Singh! Welcome, sir!
– Hey. Welcome! A huge round of applause
for both the guests! Sir, you’re looking awesome.
– What is it, sir? Either you stole my pant,
or I stole your t-shirt. What is this colour? Radium.
– Neon. Radium?
– Neon, guys! Neon! What colour is radium? This is radium. The workers wear it
on the roads. Radium is the street word
for Neon. Then so be it.
– I never knew that. We all got to learn
a new thing. It is widely known
as neon now. For now. What did they call it
before? A big hand
for Mr. Diljit here! My brother is here today.
I welcome Kriti. Am I not a sister to you? He calls the guys
as his brothers. Kriti, do not say
such rubbish things. I saw it in your eyes
at my wedding. She was sad. She was sad?
– Oh, my God! Oh!
– No.. I was sad for the girl. Right! Such good sense of humor! We welcome
Mr. Diljit and Ms. Kriti. Sir, I saw the trailer
of your movie. It was so much fun.
– Thank you. You guys rock.
– Thank you. It is clear that
you are playing a cop in here. So is it a movie
about cops or are the cops making
a movie in this movie? This is a good question. Cops are making a movie
in the movie. – Oh? It is a cop movie. More of a spoofy thing. There comes the English. Is that so?
– You know what spoof is. Yes. – What is it?
– What you just said! Tell me what it means! Kriti, you made a film
with him! You have come to my show. So do not expect
much English from us. We will somehow manage. I can help you with that. I just learned from her. I taught her. She did.
Spoof? What was that? Spoof. He has learned.
– I have it now. He looks so cute. Being cute has
a lot of advantages. This cute face of his. Such people enjoy a lot. In the movies..
– You must enjoy quite a lot. You’ve got a cute
and innocent face as well. Did I hear someone
say innocent? – Right? How is that?
– His smile is cute. It is cute.
– His smile. But he is not innocent. I do not know if they are
encouraging me or not. Over there. You have Kriti Sanon
as your actress. Yes. – And
you dance with Sunny Leone. Yes. Yes.
– Congrats. You have heard his line. ‘Patiala is here.’ ‘No more lengthy trials.
Direct verdict!’ What about the name? Is it about the city
or the peg? – Peg. Once you drink it,
you make direct decisions. Sometimes they do go wrong. And let me tell you.. But they were direct, right? Yes. They were direct.
– Yes. Direct.
Precise. You all must have watched
‘Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum’. There’s a scene where Ms. Jaya
strings Mr. Bachchan’s tie standing on a stool. – Right. Kriti, you are tall
and so is Diljit. Did you ever have
to shoot a romantic scene and the production
had to use something to make you look short? A lot of times.. There were times when
I had to shoot a romantic scene. The frame was till my waist and I had to duck. I did the whole scene
in this posture so that I look short.
– Right.. I wonder how you feel that time. ‘I love you so much.’ So you.. But this has happened..
– That’s romantic.. – I think.. I wonder how she does
the emotional scenes. ‘I can’t live without you.’ I had a scene with
Mr. Shah Rukh in ‘Dilwale’. I was doing ball dance
with him and Varun was dancing
with Ms. Kajol. We did use a platform
in that. Mr. Shah Rukh was
actually fine with it. He was saying that
he has been working with tall girls since long. He has actually worked with
a lot of them. So, he didn’t have
any problem. Now that we are talking
about height I would like to ask my viewers
if being tall is good or being short is better. This reminds me of
‘Mr. Bachchan’s’ song. Yes. – “The one
who has a tall wife is..” Who wants to share
their opinion with us? Yes. Hello, sir!
– Yes. – Hello, ma’am! Hello, sir! – Hello, ma’am! Sir.. ‘Please come..’ I don’t know what he said. How are you, pal?
Where have you come from? Sir, I am from
Purnea District of Bihar. I am a big fan of yours.
I have come to see your show. Oh! Very nice!
– Thank you, pal! What’s your name? My name is Pavan Detector. What? – Detector. Detector? – Detector?
– Detector? What does he detect?
– I see. I have affixed that surname
to be famous. Do you know the meaning
of the world ‘detector’? Sir, this is meaningless..
I mean.. It seems, it is meaningless. I have affixed this
to make myself famous. I was facing a lot of problems
due to my short height. But you don’t actually
look that short. – Yes. You have a decent height. My college mate, Aishwarya used to body-shame me.
– I see. So I took different medicines
for that. – Stop it! What is all this?
– I thought.. But my height didn’t improve. Are you sure those medicines
were to increase height? Yes, sir. I.. Oh, my God! Did you grow then?
– No improvement.. At time, these medicines
leave a side-effect. Sometimes,
your hand grows abnormally. You grow just one side
of your moustache. I have seen many such cases. Sir,
people warned me about that. But I thought that
it’s better if I grow height.. Finally, I decided to marry
a tall girl. Do you want to marry
a tall girl? – I see. Very good!
– How will that help? That can change
my generation. The surname ‘detector’
rightly suits you. It’s good. Thank you, pal. Do we have anyone else? Oh.. My name is Chanchal.
– Chanchal? – Chanchal. Chanchal? – Kanchan? Guys, it’s Chanchal.
– It’s not Kanchan. It’s Chanchal.
– What was that? Say it again..
– Did I get it right? What was it?
– It’s C-H-A-N-C-H-A-L. C-H-A-C-H-A-L. C-H-A-N-C-H-A-L. Chanchal.
– Chanchal. Guys..
– Chanchal. Okay. Yes.
– So this is my issue. I am in college right now.
– Oh, my God! – Okay. I am made to sit on the
first bench in school. – Okay. Because short girls
should sit on the first bench. I am not that good in studies. I see.
– It used to be an issue. I had an advantage. I was made to sit
in the last bench. – Yes. All my friends are tall. So I don’t get to have fun. I have to study well because the teacher’s focus
is always on the first bench. What grade are you in? I am in 11th grade now. Then your height
will still increase. Does it increase after
11th grade? – Yes, it does. For those who get till
11th grade early. And it’s a
problem when I travel. Because I am in Mumbai and I have travel
in the local train. Okay. – So I can’t see
which station I passed. I just remain clueless. We’ve some serious problems
of society coming our way. Thank you, Chanchal.
All the best. – Thank you. Thank you.
Do we have anyone else? Yes, please. He will now give
his opinion on height. Good evening, Mr. Kapil! My name is Urvesh.
– Yes, Urvesh. Being long is
both good and bad. – How? So this is the good part. If you hug a girl,
she can feel your heartbeat. Wow! There’s on more. If she is standing next to us we can rest our hand on her. She is like a portable stand. What’s your height? He is looking down. Just because you are tall you can rest your hand
on a girl. – Yes. So you can rest it on
any random girl. And she will let you keep
your elbow on her shoulder. Yes.
– If I know her then. A tall girl will hold your nose
and twist it. As if it’s possible. What advantages
he has listed! Very good.
– Is there any other advantage? The disadvantage is..
– What’s the disadvantage? If I am on a vacation
or it’s Diwali mom asks me to climb up
and do some work. She asks me to clean the fan. It’s an advantage
for your mother. But a disadvantage for me.
– Yes, it’s a disadvantage. I see.
The disadvantage is you need to clean the fan. Just two? Thank you, Urvesh. It’s time to call another
character of ‘Arjun Patiala’. Please welcome very funny,
very talented, Varun Sharma. Varun, welcome to the show.
– Thank you. He is like my younger brother.
I love him so much. Sir, I love you too. Varun.
– You are looking like a radium. Radium!
– You are looking like a radium. See him too. Don’t you think
both of us are looking like we repair roads
in England? Varun, please be seated.
Welcome. Do you want me
to ask you to sit down? Sit comfortably. In the film,
Varun’s name is Onida Singh. Flat TV has already introduced.
Why is your name Onida in the film?
– Actually, it has a back story in the film.
My parents wanted to have a TV. But my dad is worthless.
He doesn’t do any work. My mom saves money
in a piggy bank. One day, dad broke
the piggy bank and got drunk.
They didn’t have any TV. But I came to this world.
So my parents named me as ‘Onida’ affectionately. So cute! By the way, do you know?
Varun watched ‘Baazigar’ when he was 7 years old.
Then he decided that he wants to be an actor. Who inspired you?
Sharukh Khan or Johny Lever? Actually, I was watching a song.
“Black eyes, fair cheeks..” I had a lisp then.
– I see. I was on the bed.
The song was being played. “Black eyes, fair cheeks..” I rushed to mom
and told her that I want to be an actor
after growing up. I see. – Mom told me
to shut up and eat and that we would talk
about that later. I see. How beautifully life came
in a full circle. I got a chance to work
with Mr. Sharukh Khan and Ms. Kajol in ‘Dilwale’
and Abbas-Mastan directed our movie
who also directed ‘Baazigar’. Wow! – Great!
– It all just came full circle. Hello. “A girl..” “…whose name is love..” “She is missing..” “She is missing..” Hey! Search for her
if she is missing. You are not supposed
to just sing. Not everyone is Diljit Dosanjh
that you will sing and the girl will be found.
That’s not the case. Sir.
Are you good? I am not good.
– No? I am Accha Yadav.
My brother is Bachcha Yadav. I am from London.
– Wow! No wonder you seem familiar. I apologise to you.
I’m late. No problem. But I didn’t invite you. Even I was not eager
to come here. You run my promo
on Sony channel. So I had no choice
but to come here. No choice? Exactly! I have come here,
but I am happy after coming here. Because Varun Sharma
and Kriti Sanon are present here. Even Diljit Dosanjh
is present here. Sir, you have two ‘Sanjh’.
Give me one. What will you do with two? It was good.
It was very good. Sir, you have two ‘Sanjh’.
I have two bullocks. One is there
and he is his brother. Say something nice. Just for you.. Yes! Oh God! I’ve fulfilled your wish.
Are you happy now? Are you happy? Sir, are you good? Sir, are you good?
– Oh, God! Oh, God! My master.. Sir, are you good?
– I am good. There is a beautiful girl here.
Talk about her too. I will talk about her.
– When? Right now. Ms. Kriti, you are so beautiful. What! What! I wonder..
Did you ever give exams in your school or college?
Or did you pass because of your beauty?
You know.. You know.. She is well-educated.
Do you know that? She was an Engineer
before becoming an actress. No! No! Really?
– Really. No.. No, no.. Wonderful! Do you know when
the metro construction work will be over in Mumbai? How would she know? Who would know
if not the engineer? Really, you became an engineer,
became such a famous actress. I’m very surprised. Surprised.. Kriti, I.. I.. Are you good, sir?
Sir, you good? Oh, God!
I’ve become a fan of yours! Amazing.
– Thank you, sir. But.. Thank you very much, sir. Just control.. – Yes, Bro..
– Yes, Bro.. As I was saying.. I like that song of yours.
– Which song.. Kriti Sanon.. It’s not her song! But the song has her name!
Come on, Kappu Sharma! It’s between Kriti and I..
– ‘It’s our matter’? What’s a dog’s wife called?
– Bitch? It’s between us. Why do you have
a problem with it? ‘Why do you have a problem..’ Easy, Bro.. Why are you here? I.. I’ll tell you the truth.
Kriti, I’m here to marry you. Oh, God!
– I.. What happened? – He’s here
to marry me. – Okay. My mom told me to find
a nice girl and marry her. I saw you when I came here.
So let’s get married now. I want to marry
a foreigner girl, anyway. A foreigner girl?
– I’m a foreigner? She’s Indian. She’s from Delhi. I’m from abroad, though. I’m from London.
She’s a foreigner.. Change your perspective, dude! How can you just marry her?
Tell her about yourself. About me? I’m famous in London.
– Yes, I know! Just a minute.
I’ve got a phone call. I’m that famous.
– It must be from London. No! Open the zip. Your own hand won’t
reach your pocket. Yes.. It’s a phone call
from the vice chancellor! Just a minute. Hello. Yes? Vice Chancellor? Speak a bit loudly,
I can’t hear your voice. What? You want a chance? Wait for a while.
I’ll give you one. I’ll think about it, okay?
Okay.. That’s enough.
I’m going to hang up. Vice chancellor.. Does the vice chancellor
know you? Of course!
He’s got some problem. His.. What’s it called? In India, a guy sits at a store
to collect the money.. What’s he called? A cashier.. He’s got some problem
in his throat. So he called me up to ask
what medicine he should take. I’ve sent him a text message. I told him to apply oil
of chia seeds and everything
will be all right. chia seeds.. What’s chia seeds? What’s chia seeds? ‘Datun’? Like, really?
chia seeds? You don’t know what’s
chia seeds! Chia seeds, Bro! No.
– I’m shocked! ‘Tukh’.. You don’t know
what’s chia seeds! No! Then you would know
what’s ‘Tutar Pada’! ‘Tutar Pada’? What’s ‘Tutar Pada’?
– What! Oh, God! You get chia seeds if you soak
‘Tutar Pada’ in water overnight! Just a minute! Do you
give medicines in London? I’m a rich man
with many businesses. Medicines is just one of them. Yes? One of them. We usually supply
amputated guava from London to the entire world. Since when are guavas
amputated? If you can have
crippled mangoes why we can’t have
amputated guavas? That’s awesome.
– Yes! We supply those
all around the world. And why are you discriminating?
And for what? I’ve made an estimate
of your personality because I’m an accountant. Hey.. Kriti..
– Yes? Then tell me,
is my proposal cooked? Cooked in Hindi is..
– Accept.. Is my proposal accepted? Why would she marry you?
She’ll marry someone successful. A successful doctor,
engineer or officer.. Kapil, have you ever thought why
the railway tracks have rocks? Why?
– No, I’ve not. Think about it then.
Meanwhile, I’ll talk to Kriti. Amazing! Anyway, sir..
You’re from Punjab, right? I really like, Punjab.
– Really, Bro? – Yes.. – Wow! Do you even know
anything about Punjab? I know everything. Punjab is the place
that supplies people to Canada. Lovely!
– Oh, God! Lovely! Who doesn’t know that?
– They don’t supply people. They get educated and go abroad. Oh, stop it.
– Oh, yeah? – Yes. And those who are denied a Visa
come to this show, I guess. No, sir..
I’m serious. There are so many Punjabis here that the channel executives
can declare this a mini Canada. That’s how it is.
Right, sir? Yes, sir! Yes, sir!
Yes, sir! Yes, sir!
– Yeah, buddy! I know. Listen, Yadav..
Stop annoying our guests. Just leave.
– I’m ready to leave. But you called me here urgently
so I forgot my purse home. I’m out of currency.
– Currency! Like, monetary units.
– Monetary units.. Monetary units..
– Yeah.. I’ve run out of them.
So sir, please lend me your jet so that I can go home.
– Does he own a jet? ‘Jatt and Juliet’? It’s your Punjabi film.
Very popular, I know. I’ve researched it.
– My stomach hurts. But sir, it’s nothing to worry. My uncle Mr. Ambani is nearby.
I’ll borrow his jet. But you’ll have to fly it.
– Why? – He’s not a pilot. He made Punjab fly
in the film ‘Udta Punjab’. I know even that. Sir, what a film. – Thank you.
– Every time I see it I get turkey-bumps.
– What! – Turkey-bumps? I was shocked..
– Yes. What was that?
– Hey! Bro.. – Yes, bro? I watched the trailer
of your film. Where you said your parents
were going to buy a TV but you were born right then,
so they named you ‘Onida’. I just wanted to know if your parents changed
your diapers or your channel? Wow! Wow! – Wow!
– Wow, bro! Anyways, as I told you
back in London.. I’ve lots of business.
I’m really rich there. Yeah, bro.
– Filthy rich. So, I also work as
an astrolounger. As what?
– An astrologer.. An astrolounger
who predicts future.. An astrologer..
– An astrologer. I protect future there. What’s the word that rhymes
with ‘protect’? ‘Attack’.. – No, other one.
– ‘Predict’? Yes, I predict future. So, I read people’s palms. Sir, may I read your palm?
– Yes, please. I’m an astrolounger after all.
– Astrolounger? – Astrolounger! Sit here and read it. Thanks, bro.
– Thanks. Here..
– Show me your palm. Your palm is on silent mode.
– What? Because there’s no ring
in your hand. Anything without a ring
is on silent mode. Oh! – Yeah!
Yeah! You got that.. Yeah! You got that..
– You’re good. – Yeah! Bro, let me see your hand, too. He’s showing both palms! Bro, you haven’t got nails.
– It’s on this side. – I see! Even I’ve kept it here.
It’s better. – Right. It’s problematic otherwise.
It gets in your way of eating. Correct! Correct!
It’s better off here. – Right. Otherwise..
– Show me your hand. Superb! Let me dump some advice on you.
– Go on. – Dump it. Well.. Show me. It’s good that your hands
are empty. Because no matter what you do
in life you came empty handed
and will return empty handed. Just telling you.
Yeah? Ms. Kriti, may I see your hand? Which one? Oh! Oh!
– Wow! Whoa! Yours is nice. Your hand is nice. You’re wearing rings
on two fingers. – Yes. Wear it on one finger.
Then, it will balance.. No! No! No!
It’s okay.. I have one.
Show me.. Yeah!
Bro! Congrats, bro!
– Bro! Yo! We did it!
– I’m engaged! I’m engaged, bro!
Thank you, Ms. Kriti. This is too lose.
– I’ll tighten it. But let me speak for a minute. Mom, I’m marrying Kriti
and bringing her to London. Please wait.
Thank you, Ms. Kriti. Talk to him for now.
I’ll be waiting backstage. We’ll get married very soon.
All right! I’m engaged, folks! I’m engaged!
Thank you, bro! Yo! – Thank you!
Love you! I’ll be back, Kriti!
I promise! Wait for me! Crazy! – Amazing, man!
– He’s fabulous. By the way,
do you call her ‘bro’? – Yes. Why?
– We talk like that always. I can talk to her
about anything in my life. When I met him
on the sets of ‘Dilwaale’ we talk like ‘bros’..
Brozone stuff.. So, ever since then
right to this day he tells me
he wants a girlfriend. He wants me to hook him up.
He’s been trying since then. Why not get him hooked now?
– Even his mom is present here. Ma’am..
– Rahul is also here. Rahul is here, too! Hi, Rahul!
– Hi! – He’s Kriti’s dad. I see.
– Hi, Kapil! I feel good whenever I meet him. He has a cool name, too.
‘Rahul’! – ‘Rahul’! Is Anjali here, too.
Your mom? She’s here, too.
– Hello, ma’am! Welcome to the show.
– You made only him famous. You never came to our show.
Can’t help it. No one knows me,
but everyone knows him. Kiss him on live TV now.
You’ll be famous, too. The lady over here
is Varun’s mom. He is asking people
to get him a girlfriend. Please do something about him. In fact, I ask him
to have a girlfriend. It’s his age to do that.
– Right. Since four years.. – Do you see
how cool my mom is? Very good! – Right? My mother never told me that. She directly asked me
to get married. She forced me to get married. You got me married.
Now see what I am doing. I am not able to flirt anyone. Half of my business is ruined. And the one in the middle
is our producer’s mother. I see. So the money
comes from there. – I see. She is Dinesh Vijen’s mother.
– I see. He is a producer. Thank you so much
for coming on our show. Please ask your son
to get us some work. Why do you need any work? Varun, we will fix
your alliance now. We have a marriage bureau. Look, let me be clear.
Varun is single. If any of you is interested
in being his girlfriend you can raise your hand.
Is anyone there? One, two.. Varun, just look.
– Wow! Look, Varun. You are in demand. Three.. Please come. Hi, sir!
– Hello! How are you? Thank you, sir. How are you?
– I am fine. How are you? He is getting married. He is blushing.
– He has turned red. His cheeks have gone
as red as a tomato. All three of you are beautiful. Why are you standing?
Go, sit there. I am just.. You wanted a girlfriend. But
this looks like a ‘swayamvar’. You have to impress her. You can do anything.
He is all yours. Oh, come on! What is your name? Shweta. Shweta, you know.. Am I product?
He is asking them how I am. They like you.
They have seen you in movies. Shweta, say something. Sir, I am very poetic.
– I see. – What? She is very poetic. Your eyes are intoxicating. Is it in a good way?
– Yes. I actually thought
that I look intoxicated. Sir, when I see your eyes,
I become more poetic. I think of these beautiful
lines when I see you. Really? – Go for it. Please say a few lines. By being so close? Oh, my.. “I wish you become mine.” “I wish you fall
in love with me.” “I wish you agree
to be in my love.” “I wish you fall in love
with me.” Wow.. Did you make them up
just now? Yes, sir. – What? That’s especially for you.
– So sweet! Thank you. She was inspired by
your intoxicated eyes. This is the first
time I am seeing someone with both braid
and open hair. What? This fashion, I tell you. What is your name? My name is Shivangi Mishra.
– Shivangi Mishra. Shivangi, where are you from?
– Virar. – I see. Do you want to say
something to Varun? Actually,
I find Varun very cute. I am a very big fan of his. Mr. Varun, I find you very cute. Thank you so much. You seem like a
‘Gol Gappa’ for me. What? Do you like Varun because
you like ‘Gol Goppas’? What is your name? Soni. – Soni? Soni is on Sony TV. Soni, thank you. I have a ring for you.
– What? – What? Just agree for this. Ring? – Yes. Have you brought a ring too? Just accept me. Mr. Kapil, was this planned? It’s her wish.
Why are you dragging me? I just said that I will
get you a girlfriend. Come, present it to him. Go for it. That’s it. Go, seek blessings..
– You can gift them oranges. Get your mother’s blessing. Oranges, too.
– Oranges? Take it, dear. Take this, Varun. May God bless you! Very good! Go, get his
mother’s blessings. She is right there. What is going on? Even his mother has agreed. So sweet!
Thank you. Thank you so much. I think this is the real one. This is the real one.
But thank you so much. Very sweet! Thank you. He is hugging
the other girls, too. Why did you hug
the other girls? He says, ‘take it back,
I find this real’. It was a real one. Then you should have kept it. I want to tell this
to our viewers. You have seen Mr. Diljit
playing different characters. He fulfills every character
as he is a good actor. But he is very shy in real life. Do we have someone here who wants to get rid
of his shyness? Okay, please come. Mr. Diljit.. Now it’s my turn
to give you the fruit. Hello! How are you? Hello! Greetings! I am a very big
fan of yours. I see. I am from Jalandhar.
– I see. – Is it? I followed you a lot
whenever you came to Jalandhar. But I never got a chance
to meet you. But today, I have come
specially for you. I am very nervous before you. I don’t know..
– It’s the same here too. If you don’t mind,
can we dance? All right, let’s dance. He got ready. What is your name? – Kriti. Kriti? – Oh, wow!
Competition! Where have you come from?
– I am from Jaipur. So one is from Jaipur and
the other one is from Jalandhar. Okay. Would you like to go
with Rajasthan or Punjab? Thank you.
– Thank you, Palak. Thank you. You can put ‘Kala Khatta’
flavour and have it. I can do that. Mr. Diljit, you were dancing
so well. – Yes. You are very smart. Very good! Mr. Diljit, we have heard that the international singer,
Justin Bieber and you met somewhere.
Where did you meet? We met in Dubai.
– What did you talk? Nothing much. What will he talk? I took the lift to reach
the first class lounge. I saw a boy coming. He was accompanied by
a couple of airline staff. I was rushing to leave. I was pressing the button. But he entered the lift. I thought that he must be
a look-a-like of Justin Bieber. So.. The lift went up
and I heard him saying this. ‘Nice pant, big guy.’ I was surprised to find
that he was Justin Bieber. I see. I said, ‘hello, Justin!’ He asked me from where I am and I told him
that I am from India. That’s all happened. I didn’t
even ask him for a photo. I thought he will deny me. I was fearing that
I might be heartbroken. Kriti’s English is very good. Kriti, I will tell you
some Punjabi words. You have to translate them
into English. So, the word is,
‘Chak De Phatte’. I’m sure, you know this. Bro, kill it!
– No. That means,
to actually kill someone. Not really..
– That doesn’t actually mean.. ‘Chak’ means up. What’s the word for
‘Phatte’ in English? It’s ‘stool’.. Not really. It’s not that. – No. It’s ‘ply’. No, ply is something
we put on that. Does that mean a stone? It’s a wooden thing.
– Yes. Plank. – Plank.
– Plank. Pick the plank. – Yes. Up the plank.
– Pick the plank. – Yes. I am learning
a new form of English. ‘Chalo gede maaran chaliye’. What? – ‘Gede maran chaliye’. Let’s go to the walk. Let’s go for a round.
Okay. Let’s go for a round.
– Okay. ‘Hor kidda? – What up? It’s what we normally say.
– Yes. – What’s up? How are you? What’s up? How can it be ‘what’s up’? It’s actually ‘what up’. That literally means
what is up there. How is that even sensible? What’s up? That’s wrong. ‘Hor kidda?’ What’s up? What’s up? – What’s up, pal? So, that’s right. Okay. ‘Mitti pau’. Just do it. Dust here. No.. Put the dust? – Yes. Throw the dust. Yes. ‘Okay, leave it’.
No, it’s not that. ‘Put the dust’. Okay. ‘Khote da puttar’. ‘Khota’ means a fool.
– Yes. ‘Son of a donkey’. I love them a lot. Have you seen this around
the construction sites? A donkey stands like this when you put something
on him to carry. And the other donkey
imitates him. It doesn’t look anywhere else. It just follows
the donkey in front. That’s so cute!
– It looks so cute! Sir.
– Yes, sir. We want to check your English.
– Yes. I will tell Mr. Diljit
names of a few English films. You have to translate it
to Punjabi. – All right. The first film
is ‘Jurassic Park’. An amusement park
of lizards. Lizard? Sir, a dinosaur! It’s a dinosaur.
How is it a lizard? It must be a big lizard.
– A big lizard. ‘Dinosaur’ is an English word. Okay, ‘Hangover’. ‘Hangover’ means
my head is aching. Head is aching. And ‘Hangover 2’? My head is aching a lot. ‘Hangover 3’? I feel like puking. ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’.
– Caribbean. Caribbean parrots. Caribbean parrots.
– Parrots? Sir, pirates.
– Not parrots. – Not parrots. Oh, pirates! What are pirates?
– They rob ships at sea. They attack ships at sea.
– Oh. Robbers in the sea. Okay, go ahead. Okay.
‘Harry Potter’. Harry’s kid. Harry..
– ‘Harry Puttar’. ‘Men in Black’. Men in black boxers. Did Ms. Archana tell you
about this? – Yes, sir. It was written here.
– We used to climb mansions. I don’t know this. What?
– Gang. They used to wear boxers
and apply oil on their body. You can’t hold them.
– You can’t hold them. They would slip away. So, only underwear was held.
– Hold the underwear. – Oh, my! Right. – They used to apply
so much oil on their body the boxer used
to come out as well. Once they were out
of the underwear even the police wouldn’t
dare to catch them. What would they show
to the judge? Is this what they
have caught? They had a great thinking.
– Wow. By applying oil,
they went to rob. Anyway, foreigners wear
boxers and roam outside. Yes. – They didn’t get
the idea of applying oil. Only Indians can think of this. How thoughtful it was! Wear boxers, apply oil
and rob the world. Wow. Varun.
– Yes. Varun is a great actor. Without speaking,
he can make us understand. Varun, I will tell you
a few names. You don’t have to show
them to Kriti and Mr. Diljit. He will enact the sound and you have to guess
what it belongs to. You don’t have to show. It’s an honest job.
Make the sounds. Just the sound?
– Yes. – Yes. Only the sound. Pressure cooker.
– Yes, pressure cooker. Pressure cooker. Very good. Pass. Camera..
– Photo.. Camera. Yes, sir. ‘Garare’..
– Gargle.. – Gargle. Gargle. In Hindi,
it’s called ‘Garare’. It was written in English.
That’s why. Now.. Plane.
– Yes, take off. Wow.
– Take off. Brake.
– Crow. – Yes! Brake. How is this possible?
– I said crow. How is it crow?
– How will it be crow? Brake.
– Brake. How can the brake
sound like this? It was the brake of a bus. I couldn’t enact a bus. Then. Tractor.
– Car is starting. – Wow! I didn’t expect it!
– Oh.. Wow! Hi, Diljit,
Kriti and Varun! Hi, Kappu. Firstly, congratulations
on your new film. Thank you.
I love your hair colour. I think I will try this
is my next film. It’s great. That’s fine. Why are you
looking like a witch? You won’t
understand anything. This is called
the mermaid look. A mermaid.. Today, it’s matching. Today, you have worn the correct
dress according to your lips. Go somewhere
or the frogs will catch you. Have you heard that one
bad fish spoils the whole pond? She is that fish. How can you call
a character like that? You know that I take
part in plays at my college. I am playing
a fish in the play. You are lucky that Ms. Archana
has already had her dinner. Or else, she would have
made you into a fish curry and no one would
have known about that. Haven’t you heard that
fish is the queen of the water? If fishes hear about this,
they’ll make the frogs slap you. Then we will see
how you croak. Don’t think
of fish so badly. Arjun got married only when he
hit a fish’s eye with an arrow. If it had been you,
he wouldn’t have used an arrow. He would have asked Bheem
to hit you with his mace. Then this fish would have
been swimming with a single eye. Wait. I will call my
sister. She will talk to you. Sister Titli! What happened? What happened?
– Sister.. How do I look?
Tell them. You look so beautiful that I can’t say
anything, Kriti. Sister, I want
you to describe me. You idiot!
I was ignoring you. Greeting.
– Greeting. Nothing?
Are you here empty-handed? This isn’t fair. I have noticed
this fact, Ms. Archana. – What? Any Punjabi who goes
to Bollywood becomes a miser. Ma’am, you are also
from Punjab. Not Thailand. Can I tell you something?
– What? Varun is here to speak
comically. Don’t interrupt. He always keeps talking.
– Right.. He is such a sweet man. Looks like he has come to his
grandma’s house to eat mangoes. Ms. Kriti.
– Yes. I watched your film,
‘Luka Chuppi’. – Did you see? I want to reveal a bitter
truth to you. Can you bear it? I will bear it. They wanted to cast me
in that film first. She couldn’t hide. She could
be seen from a distance. So, they rejected you.
Isn’t it? Don’t interrupt. I want
to set my sister’s career. You are from
the film fraternity. Please make her
a heroine of a film. Sister, I will
come up with my hard work. Come forth a bit. Sister?
– Look at her hard work. She works so hard. She
started her make-up at 4 a.m. She just finished
her make-up. She sits idly
the whole day. Moreover, she eats
more than buffalos. Do I look like buffalo? Why are you so irritated?
Do I look like one? Do I look like one?
– I am not laughing. If you had laughed,
it would have meant that I am. No.. I am not laughing.
– Okay. Have you both come
here to fight? No, Kappu Sharma.
This is the sisters’ love. When the younger sister
is still unmarried and a handsome
and dashing police officer is sitting right here then why won’t
I get them married? Sir, marry my sister. You will have
great benefits. Really.
– That’s right. You are playing
a police officer, right? – Yes. You conduct raids
to catch the gamblers. – Yes. Tell that to her.
She will call them home. She has a huge circle. Just a moment,
Kappu Sharma. Don’t you dare talk
nonsense about my sister! She doesn’t gamble. She has
connections with those who do land snatching,
kidnapping and rowdyism. – Oh! Sister, I am Bhuri,
not Veerappan. You couldn’t be Veerappan. His moustache was
bigger than you. If you want
to say anything about me then praise my beauty. You made me laugh
by saying that. For her beauty,
she struggles so hard. She applies
the buffalo’s milk. She applies clarified butter
and butter, but to no avail. She is still the same. But yes, she started
applying dung since yesterday. She has been
glowing since then. Indeed, she is glowing a bit.
– Yes. Enough. I would like
to say something before I leave. India cannot bear
two shocks at the same time. Start laughing! What are the two shocks? First, India
not getting the world cup. And second, Bollywood
not getting me. – Wow! I wish your face was
there between my hands. I would have made it into
a pulp and fed it to someone. Did you understand
the reason behind the applause? It means you have
been insulted. Leave. And what is this
about the shocks? Take a broom
and start cleaning the house. Just a moment.
Remove this sack. Get out. – Brother-in-law!
– There she goes. How are you, sir?
How are your movies doing? They are doing fine. Ma’am, there was a message
from Sony TV. – What message? Shall I read it out?
– Yes please. They are asking you to get out. He always insults me
in front of everyone. Kriti, I loved
your metallic shirt. Sir, please have
the tickets mailed. Bye. Thank you.
– Bye. Hey, Bhuri! Please give a big hand for
Mr. Diljit, Kriti, and Varun. Please come, sir. It’s time now to take
our beautiful picture which will be taken
by Ms. Archana. Yes. Wow!
What a photograph! Thank you, Ms. Archana.
Even you join us. You take a selfie. Please give a big hand
for the entire team. I would like to request
Mr. Diljit to sing something for our viewers.
Let’s have a song. Thank you, sir.