Anecdota

Laughter is the Best Medicine

The Many Strange and Misguided Phone Calls of Birchum (feat. Adam Carolla) – Crank Yankers


First year he played
I couldn’t find one big enough. We had to modify
a Coleman cooler. You put a Coleman cooler
on his head? Well not the full size sir,
not the one you put trout in, but the six pack one. Oh, the six pack,
Coleman cooler. Yeah, I put it in the oven. I heat it up
and I molded it around his head. You put the cooler in the oven, heated it up
and put it on his head? Well-
Holy cow. Hello. Name’s Bircham.
Seen them Big Feet. Want to go after one with you. Oh, okay. Yeah, seen that Yeti up there. Seen that Sasquatch.
You seen him out where you are? Seen mine back in ’72,
back in Louisiana, Missouri. Wow. I heard you were
attacked by one. No, it didn’t get to me. There was a bunch
of dogs involved in and the dogs helped me out. Dogs were running away,
it was killing dogs. They were finding dogs
with their heads ripped off. Boy. Howdy.
That’s a Bigfoot all right. Oh (beep) yeah. Walked over
[inaudible 00:01:12] where a fence without
even losing a stride. Are you going to take him down?
You going to kill one? I’m planning on it.
I’m basically looking at… You see that movie?
The dirty dozen? Yeah. That’s what I’m looking for. Well, except for,
it’s three guys. Oh, you think you can bag
one of those suckers? I damn well know I can. Tell me what you’ve seen. All I know is that it’s got
beady red eyes, it’s covered with hair, walks like an old Jew
and it needs to die! Okay. You’re damn sure this thing
isn’t some idiot out there in a damn suit, playing a prank.
Right? Do I sound like
some kind of jackass and get on the phone
and waste your time for laugh? Well, no, but I just don’t want
to be involved in- All right, then. Some kind of murder of some
idiot that’s wearing a suit. I’ve shot plenty of men. I know the difference
between a man and a Bigfoot. I need eyes, I need
an extra set of eyes and an extra trigger finger.
I also need bait. What are you going to use
for bait? Well, Bill, that’s
why we’re talking. Well, that surely
ain’t going to be me. The bait was a bad word.
I shouldn’t have used that. Let’s just call it decoy. Okay. You don’t mind sharing a tent,
do you, Bill? Well, I got my own. All right, we’ll use yours. You don’t mind
bunking up, do you?. I’ll pack my own. We’ll do that thing where
we marry the sleeping bags. We just a zip them together,
make one big pouch. Just for heat.
No hanky-panky. Okay, well you can do that
with your Indian friend. You ain’t going
to do it with me. Oh, he’ll be in there. Yeah. No, I’m not
really interested, man. I appreciate the offer. Bill, I think you should know. I do sleep in the nude,
but I don’t go that way. You know, I figured,
you know what I mean? Bring a 44 and some
water-soluble lube. No, I appreciate the call. All right, Bill. All right. Take care. Bye. Hello? Hello. Is this the UFO place? Yes, it is. Great. My name is Birchum,
and I believe I was abducted. Are you the right person
to speak to about this? You got him. Oh man. You got to forgive me, I’m a little bit, a little bit,
a little bit shaken. First off, what should I do?
I don’t know what to do. Oh, well what- Is it okay to use the microwave?
Can I drive the car? You could, it just
depends on exactly… are you injured
in any way or- I do have some rectal bleeding. Not what I would consider
a large amount. Not more than I’ve had
in the past, although it has not done that
in a number of years and it does concern me. I mean, I do feel
like I was probed. Then you, you may have been,
put it that way. Big time. Big time. Right. And by the way,
as far as the probing goes, they can’t go in
through the mouth? It’s always the anus? Seems like one could probe
in the mouth, you know what I’m saying? Right, well it depends. It depends on
what their purpose is. There’s been probes in the ears. Oh really? And in the nose as well. Yeah. I wasn’t on that ship. Yeah. I was on the U.S.S. Anus.
No dinner, no dance. No how do you do…
just right for the pooper. You believe me? Right? I wasn’t there,
so if you say you were, [inaudible 00:05:12]
you were. Yeah. Is where the… the creatures were
sort of a smooth- What color? White for the most part.
I think there was one Mexican… they rode on dirt bikes.
Looked like dirt bikes. [inaudible 00:05:32]
or something. I mean I don’t know,
it’s a little sketchy because I did some peyote
and I fell asleep in the desert and woke up, had a Schlitz
tall boy in my rectum and I probably wasn’t abducted. Yeah. Come to think of it,
I was just… I was raped
by teenagers. Okay. I’ll go with that. They shaved my ass so, so they
looked like crop circles. Yeah, could have been. All right, I’ll just… I’ll get into therapy
or start drinking or both. See ya, E.T.
Okay. Nanu Nanu. Thank you. This is Troy. Troy, my name is Birchum. I’d like to coach
some Pop Warner football. Really? Well, right now
we’re all filled up with that. We’ve already started, we’re already going
for the season, so… Got a kid who wants
to play some ball, too. Call me next March or so. He’s 12 years old.
He’s a big boy though. I don’t care how big he is. We don’t play
Pop Warner rules here. What? What rules do we play? I got my own rules here buddy.
Oh really? We don’t use the weight limits.
We’ve got my own weight limits. I like your style. Yeah, we got a little
different weight limits. I got a son. He’s 11 and a half.
He’s almost 250 pounds. That’s a big kid. He’s a big boy. Kid will sit down and eat nine,
ten Lunchables in one sitting. That’s a big kid. Oh, he’s a big boy.
Takes after his mother. So he’s going to be a sixth
grader, coming up next year? He’s going to be going
into the sixth grade. I held him back a year so I could get
his playing weight up. Yeah? Yeah. He’s a big kid,
and you know what? I taught him well. I guess so. He knows all the moves. Spearing, blindsiding,
forearm shiver. He does it all.
He’ll take a kid’s head off. Oh yeah. I seen him hit
the punter 20 minutes after the guy punted the ball. I mean the kid was on
the sideline, he went after him. [inaudible 00:07:34]. Aw man, when this kid
goes up the middle, he goes in hell bent
for reelection. Heck of a kid. And I tell you,
I taught the kid well. I guess so. I told him, you get blown out
of that middle, you’re getting blown out
like crap through a goose. I hear you. [crosstalk 00:07:49] Yeah. I’ll tell you what,
I tell him… call it Pop Warner football.
You know why? Because you’re popped Warren
if you get hurt. That’s what I tell him. You got it. Yeah. Kid’s tough.
Big kid needs a special helmet. We’ll see what we’ve got, buddy. First year he played
I couldn’t find one big enough. We had to modify
Coleman cooler. You put a Coleman cooler
on his head? Well, not the full size, sir. Not the one you put trout in,
but the six pack one. Oh, the six pack Coleman cooler? Yeah, I put it in the oven,
I heat it up and I molded it
around his head. You put the cooler in the oven,
and heated it up and put it on his head?
Holy cow! Well yeah. Well you don’t heat it up
until it starts bubbling. You just warm it up
so the plastic becomes pliable, and then you can
pull it on his head, and if you hit it
with the hose, it’ll freeze in whatever
position it was. Okay, that’s crazy. Worked out good, except for
the ear holes got screwed up and he got an infection. Uh, huh. I call him the minister
of defense. I got you, buddy. I trained my kids,
they’re like screaming warriors. I got you buddy.
I [inaudible 00:08:44] get it. I got a call coming, bud. All right, no weight limits,
right? Right on brother. All righty. Later. [inaudible 00:09:04] Who’s this? [Belle 00:09:07]. Name’s Birchum.
I’m a bounty Hunter. Oh, hi. How are you? Good. Looking for some work. How’d you hear about me? Oh, you know, I’ve got my ear
to the ground. You got any perps
you need brought in? Well, I just gave some away
to a guy the other day. You and everybody else.
Where’s this cat? I don’t know for sure. Yeah, it was a stupid question,
wasn’t it? Yeah, he supposed to have the
purest cocaine on the street. That’s a perp
I’d like to take down. You want him dead or alive? Well, I… Be honest, and believe me, I’ve been around
the block enough to make it look
like he started it. You know how the wiggle works. No, I don’t, because I’m not
a violent person. I’ll take his ass right down. Right down to Chinatown.
What’s the bond for on this guy? Twenty thousand. Look out
Just a moment. I got a call coming in, hang on. Twenty grand. That buys a hell
of a lot of tequila and [inaudible 00:10:07]. I’ve got a call coming in,
hang on. All right, I’ll hang on. I may catch him
while I’m on hold. Sir? Mm-hmm
(affirmative). When I put you on hold, here’s
this bounty hunter calling me that I haven’t heard
from for a month. What’s his name? Lenny (beep). Lenny (beep)?
That guy’s a pussy. You know him? I know Lenny’s work. Soft hand Lenny.
Ain’t good for nothing. No, he’s not. He can’t even
pick up the Sunday newspaper. You’ve got guys working
for your name, Lenny and Adam. No wonder no one’s
coming back. What kind of pussy parents
named their kid Adam, anyway? He does a pretty good job
most of the time, Adam does. Adam couldn’t find his (beep)
if he was squatting on a mirror. No, that’s not true.
He’s pretty tough. Hell of a lot tougher
that in ‘Nam. Used to take guys like Adam, chew him up, make boot
polish out of them. Oh yeah. What’s your phone number? 7-0-2-7-9-2… Tell you, that Lenny’s
on my last nerve too. 7-9-2… Had a custom Harley Zippo, lent it to him
to light a tiparello. That was six years ago. You know him from way back? Hell yeah, Lenny and I go back. Really? You kidding?
Eat at Denny’s, Lenny? Cheap bastard. You know his wife? I don’t know why I’m opening
it up to you this way, but I had, I had my time
with Lenny’s wife. Sir? Can you give me
the rest of your phone number, because I got to go bond with
[inaudible 00:11:42]. All right. I’m sorry. I was with her long
before Lenny was and I don’t think Lenny
ever lets me forget it. Can’t let it go.
She’s tight though. I’ll tell you what- What’s the rest
of your phone number? Okay. 7-0-2… She may have gone to seed
since she’s been with Lenny, but I’ll tell you, she was one fine piece of ass
when I was with her. Do you know what?
I’m going to hang up on you if you don’t give me
your phone number. 7-0-2-7-9-2… Once I pulled a three-way
with her, with Lenny. Oh yeah.
She went that way. Will you quit telling me
that stuff, I don’t want to hear it. Are you going to give me
the phone number? Well, look. If we’re going
to work together, you got to know the truth. No- Still, Lenny has
erectile difficulties. Are you going to give me
the phone number? Goodbye. 7-0-2!

26 thoughts on “The Many Strange and Misguided Phone Calls of Birchum (feat. Adam Carolla) – Crank Yankers

  1. I’m 47 years old, LOVE Adam Corolla, but I’ve NEVER seen this show before! This is pure genius!!!!! The Hamburgular and Waldo in the background were making me cry with laughter!!!!

  2. Missed two of the best calls. "Catholic big brother" and "Arrangements for his wife to go horseback riding" Good stuff, though. Looking forward to the show coming back.

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