Laughter is the Best Medicine

The Perils of Cat Ownership – Stand Up Comedy by Michael Connell

Ah, so I have a cat. Cause my girlfriend has a cat. Ah, I didn’t want to get the cat right? My girlfriend she really wanted
these, I didn’t want the cat because I have asthma, you know and I’m a bit
of a germaphobe but she wanted one and I thought, well what we’ll do, I’ll call up
the landlord ask him. He’ll say no. He can be the bad
guy! So I ring him up and I’m like yeah we’re thinking about getting a cat and
he’s like yep no problem! I start panicking I’m like um I think it might like scratch the furniture he’s like yeah just get it fixed. And I’m
like um.. I think he’s a smoker! This cat’s got a habit. But because the landlord
was cool with it, then we had to have this big discussion right? I didn’t want
the cat cause I have asthma, you know it makes it hard for me to breathe. She wanted the cat. She loves the cat. We had this big back and forth and eventually we met halfway… we got the cat. Cause that’s what a relationships about – compromise.
Yeah sure, I like breathing but it’s not about me! I can do that on weekends, it’s fine right? But the cat,
I’m not a fan. I’m such a germaphobe I can’t get friendly with it right? Like I
I lie down on the couch, the cat sits on my chest. My girlfriend’s like ‘Ooo! He’s
giving you cuddles!’ He’s giving me ringworm. He sheds fur! There’s like a layer
of white hair on everything. Like I walk around in black socks. After like two
minutes it looks like I’m wearing lamingtons. She pats it. Every time I go to pat it, it goes Arggh! She’s like ‘Ooo! he’s frisky!’ He’s possessed. And when we got the cat I said look can we make a compromise. Can we make a deal here? Could we not let the
cat in the bedroom right? Because you know, I see her. She plays the catchy. She dangles a ribbon down it sees the ribbon it’s like ‘Pfshar! Phshar! Phshar!’ I don’t want it in
the bedroom you know? When I’m getting ready for bed. It sees something else
dangling… ‘Phshar! Phshar! Phshar!’ So I’m like look, could we just, could we just keep the cat out of the bedroom? She’s
like yep, not a problem! First night we’ve got this cat. We close the door. 30
seconds later.. mewmewmew. MewMewMew. MewMewMew. MewMewMew. Mewmewmew. MEWMEWMEW. mewmewmew. Mewmewmew. Mewmewmew. Mewmewmewmewmewmewmewmew. MewMEWMEWmew. You’re all watching a grown man do this! Mewmewmew! Like the cat’s scratching on the door.
Meowing, just just for hours! I’ll act it out for you! Mewmewmew! and it just doesn’t end! It doesn’t end! and she’s like ‘Oh baby! The cat, you know, he doesn’t want to sleep out there, on the couch. I’m like, of course not. It’s covered in cat hair! Gross! She’s like, ‘Baby we got we got to fix
this problem.’ I’m like, all right. I’ll need a sack and some bricks. Ah, Hey, hey! Don’t turn on me Melbourne! He started it right? So the cat’s there scratching on the door and she’s like, ‘Look baby we’ve gotta let him in!’ I’m like alright alright fine fine whatever!
We open the door, the cat sticks his head in, looks around, walk straight back out! Didn’t wanna be IN the room! Just wanted
to know what was happening in the room! They say curiosity killed the cat –
it almost did. I was this close!

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