Laughter is the Best Medicine

The Roast of Alec Baldwin | Ganze Folge | Comedy Central Deutschland

the following program is rated mal and is intended for a mature audience viewer discretion advised and though I’m no Olivier before Sugar Ray he would say that the thing ain’t the ring is the play so give me a stage with this bull here can rage and though I can fight I much rather his sight That’s Entertainment Alec what are you doing my dressing room you’re talking to me Alec don’t do that what are you afraid to be yourself a little bit I am a little bit shake it off Alec this is your night go for it you can do it you never got me down Bob you never got me down Bob put that coffee down pumpkin spice latte Bob come on you bitch we’re gonna roast the fuck out of you tonight [Applause] [Music] [Music] this is the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin please welcome your roastmaster Sean Hayes [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] thank you everybody welcome welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin they say you only roast the ones you love but tonight we said fuck it Alec I think we can all agree is a great actor an incredible philanthropist and a huge dick can someone please explain to Ken John what a huge dick is [Applause] it’s great to see all the diversity on the stage that we have a gay trans black Asian mixed I don’t know whether to roast these people to register them to vote okay let’s get to the real reason why we’re all here tonight to meet Robert De Niro Robert by the way what’s a legend like you doing at a comedy roast I mean is this the same Robert De Niro that did Little Fockers and dirty grandpa and yeah I guess it kind of makes sense yeah I can’t wait til someone makes an offer you can refuse we’ve got NBA all-star Blake Griffin tonight no offense Blake but I’m a better ball handler than you Caitlyn Jenner is here I can’t believe you’re here wow you got balls girl kaitlin being here tonight is braver than anything you’ve ever done but don’t worry any parts you don’t like can be cut now without without further ado SHhhh let’s take a look at Alex package before it makes any more Baldwin’s ladies and gentlemen the actor executes Jack Donaghy who asked me if I have a god complex put that coffee down cookies are for closers I am Jack let it goddamn them off no one can resist my Schweddy Balls the single greatest actor of all time is the devil’s music Baldwin was kicked off the plane after refusing to turn off his phone their comings and goings are reported to daily in the press good job that you want to do that you failed um you’re doing this stuff there is no such thing as a private life can you easily be afraid of me any a man imagines himself with his arms around the beautiful honeymoon [Music] [Music] I’m a mighty great white shark lemon and you are a Remora clinging to me with your suction cup [Music] [Music] and now the moment only he’s been waiting for our Alec Baldwin [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] don’t worry aleck nothing said here tonight we’ll be meaner than what you left on your daughter’s voicemail [Applause] alik once said that I was like a brother to him which is why we haven’t talked in 10 years of course I wasn’t his first choice to host tonight his first choice is Tracy Morgan but even Tracy said quote I’d rather go shopping at Walmart with the Walmart driver who hit me a lot of people think alec is the best Baldwin brother but someone’s saying you’re the best Baldwin brother is kind of like your doctor saying good news you have the best kind of cancer alik almost got the role of Batman in 1989 but the part went to Michael Keaton because he actually had chemistry with Kim Basinger never thought of that of course Alex true passion has always been the theater Alec loves to hit the stage because it can’t press charges alik used to be a belligerent drunk before it became a belligerent silver person it’s true Alec had a substance abuse problem in the past but he worked through it and hasn’t done anything of substance in 20 years Alec is a romantic he met his first wife on a movie set and his second wife on a swing set her name is hilarya and what’s even more hilarious they already have four kids together but he finally got it right his wife is a calming presence and an amazing yoga instructor she was able to get Alek into this one position where he has to work until he dies the good part about having kids late in life young strong pallbearers now Alex sit back unclench your fists and I promise this will be the funniest thing you’ve ever been a part of that Tina Fey didn’t carry you through our first roaster is Nikki Glaser if you don’t recognize Nikki it’s probably because you were drunk when you went home with her give it up for the person you’ll remember as that lady who went up first Nikki Glaser [Applause] keep it going for the reason Mike Pence says we have hurricanes you look like the little man on top of a wedding cake that a bakery would refuse to make for you Will and Grace was really the best you could do it just just Jack just Jack is uh it’s also what I’m gonna do in my hotel room alone after sitting next to Blake Griffin all night Jesus Christ [Applause] your soul I’d fuck you in front of my grandparents I that’s how I almost want to you know I feel like Mimi would be proud like you look like a black guy that got made by a printer running out of ink [Applause] Chris Redd is here because Comedy Central wasn’t sure if Blake was black or not you look great Chris you was dressed like a nine-year-old who just found a thousand dollars on the sidewalk at this point like what can you say about Jeff Ross that he hasn’t heard before it’s like oh I respect you you look nice tonight here’s your salad sir stuff like that okay Jeff you look like if pop I only ate Popeyes check that no Jeff no don’t break the couch your face your face has a dad bod let’s Jeff gets really hot girls and I just I don’t how do you get tens teens I’m sorry I read that wrong how did you get you have the sex appeal of a gymnastics doctor I just don’t understand robert de niro is here looking like else [Applause] I can’t even believe I I get to share this stage with you tonight Roberts narrow and by this stage I mean the final one of your life it’s sorry I don’t feel right about any of this Caitlyn Jenner I just want to thank you for all you’ve done for the trans movement in the size 16 stiletto industry you are such an incredible athlete people forget just how fast you once ran from your first family to go be on a reality show seriously though I know being a new mom is hard but even Casey Anthony knows the current location of her daughter [Applause] okay you’re a Republican I don’t know why you’ve already gained control over a woman’s body what does that party have to do to lose your support Abby your son Caitlyn I know you’ve only publicly identified as a woman for a few years but I just want you to know that I know that deep down you’ve always been a cop and I spelled with a k though for you you’re great thank you you’re great Alec Baldwin what an honor to be here roasting Justin Bieber’s wife’s oldest fattest uncle it’s like I’ll never forget that voicemail that when you called your daughter Ireland a thoughtless little pig tell you one of the worst things you can call your daughter after Ireland actually that’s that name yes speaking of terrible names your wife’s name is hilarya is it hilarya hole or a pool area Laura Neal are Hilaria was so stupid okay it doesn’t matter she’s so hot dude she’s so hot and fit just getting screamed at burn calories you have four kids under the age of six I just how do you do it I mean isn’t your semen just oatmeal at this point Oh Robert just got excited when I said oatmeal he’s sort of salivating your night nurse is warming it up backstage it’ll be ready in the break I’m such a fan of the Baldwin’s I’ve never been so sure that four people have buried a hooker together in all seriousness I want to thank Alec in his memoir he bravely admitted that he had once considered suicide and I just want to say that that meant a lot to me because I have also considered your suicide and I have some ideas I even know what I’m gonna wear Alec thank you so much for having me here tonight [Applause] coming up put its red Caitlyn Jenner Adam Carolla Jeff Ross Ken John Caroline Rhea Robert DeNiro and Blake Griffin welcome back to the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin our next roaster is Blake Griffin he almost married kendall Jenner but unfortunately they’re no longer accepting weirdos in that family he’s half black half white and neither half is funny I usually say a third thing but I don’t know shit about sports Blake Griffin [Applause] [Music] what a great job Sean you know what I’m not gonna stand up here and run a bunch of hacky gay jokes into the ground all right I’m not willing grace Larry Bird is here I mean Nikki Glaser is here you know the only difference between Larry Bird and Nikki Glaser is Larry could actually pass his 33 I’m sorry you were so nice earlier right yeah Nikki look at you you damaged little climber you know Nikki was the only girl kicked off Jeffery Epstein’s Island for networking Adam Carolla is here you know Adam looks like the kind of guy who calls black athletes thoroughbreds [Applause] Caroline ray from Sabrina’s here give it out but Caroline if you’re here that means Salem the cat must have turned this down huh sorry mr. dinero we know how much you love that black pussy nice to meet you by the way big fan Chris red looks like a police sketch of someone doing blackface you look like nephew Jemima why do you always look like you just got your braces off speaking of Chris red Caitlyn Jenner is here I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry like Caitlyn my transitions are really awkward Caitlyn completed her gender reassignment in 2017 finally confirming that no one in that family wants a white dick [Applause] but she was coming after me there for a second kaitlin’s pussy is so young Alec just called her a rude thoughtless little pig oh look Kirill I know we’re all here making fun of Caitlin but honestly I want to take this moment to publicly thank you as an athlete I want to thank you for your bravery and theirs as a human I want to thank you for the doors you’ve opened and on behalf of the entire NBA and half of the rappers on the Billboard charts I want to thank you for giving your daughters their daddy issues and now the man of the hour mr. Alec Baldwin Alec I can tell you from New York is just like the Knicks you’ve somehow gotten worse every year since the 90s you know Alec kind of looks like a team owner that saves money by massaging the players himself and I played for Donald sterling so you might think Alex had an easy life but he’s had hardships he once had someone take his parking spot another time the flight attendant asked him to turn his phone off before takeoff and according to Alex reactions those are the two worst things to ever happen to him in the NBA we have a term for people like you it’s a bad teammate like you were in Glengarry Glen Ross with Kevin Spacey and you couldn’t even tell him that ABC doesn’t mean always blow children I would have told them but you know what I’m happy I’m here tonight because tonight I learned you’re a family man you give the charity and you’re a big enough man to sit up here and let us roast you you truly are a kind thoughtful little pig [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] our next roaster is caroline rhea remember the hot aunt from Sabrina the Teenage Witch we got the other one she’s had a pretty tough year what with all the dress barns closing but she just flew in on the world’s strongest broomstick Caroline Rhea [Applause] [Music] oh yes I know what you’re thinking it’s Amy Schumer with the old-age face app Sean Hayes is gonna be hard to top but plenty of men have managed to do it Alec where are your brothers tonight God knows they’re not working let’s face it no one wants to be here the person who went to the greatest lengths to not show up tonight was Bruce Jenner Caitlyn Jenner proof that older women in Hollywood get fewer parts you transition in your 60s way to get in on the glory years yeah and out of the glory holes I actually respect that you fully transitioned instead of stopping halfway like Sean Hayes dr. Ken Jong is here yes that’s right ken is a licensed doctor who went through years and years of higher education and yet still thought the Unicorn on the mask singer was Beyonce so likely was it an online medical degree did you become a doctor so you can find your own penis because God knows no one else was looking for it now speaking of shrimp I saw your special on Netflix and did not know they filmed open mikes Jeff Ross our staple on the roasting circuit and the predator at high school dances you’re our one fat Jewish man I feel like you really took let my people go out of context Nikki Glaser it has been driving me crazy all night which 1970s male Olympian did you used to be [Laughter] Nikki you were an inspiration on Dancing with the Stars I had no idea you were deaf [Laughter] on your TV show you asked your parents if they had ever done anal and of course they said after Nicky was born we only did anal [Applause] Chris Brown is here which I can only assume has something to do with make-a-wish [Applause] what can you say about Adam Carolla that he won’t tell you and an insufferable tirade he’s trapped you in Robert DeNiro you have a big movie coming out with Al Pacino and Joe Pesci it’s three and a half hours long is it just about you guys trying to pee [Laughter] Alec and I have known each other for 25 years one time when I was during Sabrina the Teenage Witch and he was doing kalari of the teenage yoga instructor your wife ilaria is in great shape but who wouldn’t be after pushing around a 200 pound baby all day [Applause] alec baldwin was a busboy at studio 54 which means he had to clean up jizz and coke every night which is exactly what Nikki Glaser looks for in a shampoo Oh Alec you’re the only fat vegetarian I know Alec is also an animal rights activist he was instrumental in closing down the Ringling Brothers Circus the animals were fine but three clowns lost their jobs Stephen Billie and Daniel honestly Alec it’s an honor to be here for you tonight it’s an honor to be your friend I love you like a brother like a real brother thank you [Applause] still to come Ireland Baldwin my precious Buttercup and Chris read you don’t even know is covered man thank you for having me all here and now I’m gonna get in that ass [Music] oh my god Comedy Central has brought us some amazing young black talent over the years Dave Chappelle key & peele Trevor Noah but we’re ending that tradition now with Chris Redd he’s been on SNL for a few years but he’s making his television debut tonight Chris rad yeah give it up for Sean Hayes a lot in high school everybody ain’t Heat against now I am the least known person on this dais and some people like who the hell are you I’m gonna tell you who I am I’m the only person in forty four seasons of SNL to actually show up for Alec Baldwin ass [Music] and for the last time Alec man I am NOT Michael Chaney stop calling me Dad but leg you’ve got the dumbest face you look like a rhinoceros looking for his own horn where is that a bit down in well too wide cyclops leg but let you look like 9 different races all working together to make sure you never win a championship hey Kayla you got damn hypocrite you’re like against gay marriage you voted for Trump you like the auntie time of the trans community I mean okay you didn’t open the door for transpeople but then you ran in and slamming that shit shut behind your flat ass I like these jokes Carolyn looks like she leaves her baby in a hot car to meet firemen look at you over there looking like Caitlyn’s in I got a sex change at a build-a-bear workshop very progressive store carry progressed Jeff Ross looks like Caitlyn’s old dick coming back to haunt her [Applause] but it leaves it for the Sudan baby tonight Adam Carolla’s here I don’t really tells it like it is if you’re also an insecure white supremacist I saw you on Dancing with the Stars girl you got two left hooks don’t you watching Nicki salsa dance was the worst thing a white person has done to Puerto Ricans since Trump threw paper towels at him robbing the Nero baby so I’m gonna be up here with you me and to follow up on our conversation backstage no I have not been on your lawn I don’t know where you live but I do know your ex-wife owns that house now once you go black you never go back but you do go broke right Bobby yeah uooo uooo uooo [Applause] Robert man you’ve given us so many amazing performances Goodfellas awakenings but tonight man it’s gonna be the best one yet it’s gonna be the old Italian man trying to figure out trans pronouns in front of a live studio audience [Applause] speaking of people that cut my screen time every Saturday night Alec motherfucking ball with baby please give it up right now for this Emmy winning red face river feed give it up honestly we got a line coming man you know we both work on SNL we both fuck women my age and we both have to check Instagram to see what show daughters up to I’m just I’m just trying to be the first black man in Ireland you know what I’m talking about no I thought about she know what I’m talking about I’m just playing I’m not the first but outlet once said black people love him because he plays Trump on SNL and that is not why we like you Alok we like you because you have the same eye color and temperament of every pitbull that we’ve loved and had to put down I miss you Tiki she used to park out kids too but honestly I’ll admit I admire you Doug you’ve punched paparazzi you’ve yelled that cop saying you’ve lived to tell about it and you had me here on this roast that means a whole lot to me man you my nigga Alec don’t say it back though do not say it back [Applause] [Music] still to come ken Jeong you’re gonna crush it fuck you oh he said something nice and Caitlyn Jenner I’m coming for you [Applause] welcome back to the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin tonight I’m happy to announce Alec Baldwin and Comedy Central have joined to donate $1,000,000 to a wonderful charity called exploring the arts exploring the arts is an arts education nonprofit founded by the one and only Tony Bennett and his wife Susan Benedetto yes and a good friend of Tony’s has something to say to alak hey everybody its LG here I hope you don’t mind me interrupting the little love fest you’ve got going on to let you know how happy my pal Tony Bennett and I are that something good is coming out of all of this with all the arts funding being cut out of public schools Tony Bennett and his wife founded exploring the Arts in order to make a difference by supporting public high schools and their students to enhance their education with extensive exposure to all of the creative arts because where would we be without art so alak as they continue to destroy you tonight just remember that it’s all for a Cause near and dear to our hearts love all of you very much have a good night well she’s not lady haha [Laughter] our next roaster is Caitlyn Jenner LGBTQ icon her daughter Kylie sold a billion dollars worth of makeup and she’s here wearing all of it tonight give her a big hand even though she already has two of them Caitlyn Jenner [Applause] [Music] Oh that was funny take a good look kids this is what happens when you eat your Wheaties every morning Sean you’re doing a great job thank you the only thing working harder than you right now are my Spanx baby all of you are making these silly comments and jokes about how I kind of cut it off let me remind you it made kylie jenner the youngest self-made billionaire in history it made Kendall Jenner the highest-paid model in the world I raised ten children I currently well I’m coming up on 20 grandchildren I didn’t cut it off I just retired it it was done you know as they look back and forth I’m not the only one up here whose transition I used to be Bruce Jenner and Robert DeNiro used to be Robert fucking De Niro you call yourself an actor Robert for 60 years I had everybody convinced I was a man now that’s acting and John is it true your wife is named Tran whoa whoa I want to meet her I mean I’m waiting like that way I also want to say hello to Kendall’s ex you don’t even have to say his name it’s just Kendall’s ex anyway Blake Griffin play Los Angeles to Detroit let me tell you I can tell you a thing or two about switching teams you’re a nice boy it didn’t work out between the two of you if you’re always kind of welcome to come over to my home and know that you’re the second best athlete in the house look there’s a lot of hate in the world but we can still laugh at ourselves and honestly that’s why I’m here tonight I’ve seen it all I’ve even gotten press and I want other members of the trans community to know that if I’m strong enough to sit up here and be ridiculed all night that you can handle anything [Music] except listening to Adam Carolla’s podcast oh my god Adam Carolla is so boring I’ve never seen a drier pussy in my life and that’s coming from me you see Adam women are funny what can I say I’m here because I love Alex yes actually I’ve known Alec for a long time and I consider him family we go back when I was Bruce we were like brothers so well I guess that’s one more brother he’ll never talk to him again to get serious about this look some of you hate me just because of me some of you hate me because of the things I may have said in the past well hey I’m not perfect I’m a person trying to figure out my life just like everyone else all I want is for future generations of transgendered people to know that if I can find the courage to be Who I am then you can too if you have a problem with that then you can suck my dick [Applause] coming up [Music] and Ken Jeong will be slurring drunk and racial slurs raised show [Music] welcome back to the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin they say laughter is the best medicine which explains why doctor Ken is no longer practicing and his head he’s a doctor but in his crotch he’s a shrink count backward from a hundred and will wake you when this painful procedure is over give it up for hacky chan Ken Jon [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thank you so much it is so great to be here I’m on I’m a judge on the masked singer so it’s nice to be on another show where you have to guess who the celebrities are so Caitlyn Jenner okay oh boy strap it on I can see why Kaitlyn decided to transition she’s been a celebrity craving privacy so she became something that society was destined to ignore a 70 year old woman now I’m kidding you look great you look like the drummer for Whitesnake I don’t know what Robert De Niro one of our generations finest actors but let’s face it your recent movies have been so shitty I’m surprised I’m not in them Blake Griffin a black guy who looks white with red hair and freckles and by the way congrats on booking the Little Mermaid now I look at Blake and I think hmm orange is the new black Caroline ray you look like a Dell computer now [Applause] Alex wife is so young he introduces them as 23andme now alex daughter ireland is here she might as well be named Zimbabwe given the distance between them am i right [Applause] we’re really here to celebrate the real star of 30 rock and SNL but let’s be honest Tina Fey said no Alec no offense but you weren’t the star of 30 rock and with the nearer here you’re not even the star of your own fucking roast you know I like with whittlin with Justin Bieber as your knife you’re not even starve your own fucking family is like it’s sad I’m so concerned or whatever alik in all seriousness I first met you at a stand up to cancer benefit a few years ago where you hosted it and your compassion and connection to every single cancer survivor in the room still moves me to this day and thank you for letting me be a part of this is an honor thank you sir [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] this next roaster is a surprise and alak you are in for such a treat live from your first marriage it’s Ireland Baldwin [Applause] hi dad I’m Ireland it’s good to be here I almost didn’t even know about it because I haven’t checked my voicemails for my dad from the last like 12 years I actually have a lot in common with the people on this roast because like them I don’t really know you that well either well a lot of people know my dad as that guy from the Mission Impossible movies or that guy from 30 rock I know him as that guy from like half of my birthday parties [Applause] by the way Mission Impossible is what I call getting my dad to apologize [Applause] a lot of people only know my dad as an angry guy but he’s more than some lunatic who loses his temper he also loses Emmys and Oscars costly of his firstborn child am i right well listen let me just set the record straight he was a great dad I still remember when he would tuck me in and yell me a bedtime story my absolute favorite and his favorite the three little thoughtless pigs dad you’re always be closing speech and Glengarry Glen Ross was great at least you taught someone their ABCs right it hasn’t been easy being the daughter of an iconic movie star but I’m not here to talk about my mother or her Oscar I’m here to talk to you dad finally without a court-appointed social worker it’s so nice that we can do that that’s so sweet it’s okay I turned out fine I’ve been modeling which is a really fun gig honestly it’s just nice for a Baldwin to be on a runway without starting beef with American Airlines I was so surprised I was so surprised when I heard about that plane incident I mean why would you even start shit with the one place that’s still playing your movies it’s nice to see some new faces and some older faces and some newly reconstructed faces a lot of people don’t know this a lot of people don’t know this but when I was a kid Caitlyn Jenner was my middle school track coach you taught me to jump over the greatest hurdle of all which is my father’s approval do you know what it’s like having a gold medal athlete as your track coach like you get it right you’ve disappointed a Jenner that’s completely out of your league did you really date your dog you should have married her and now you’re never gonna get a ring [Applause] it’s good to be here but would have been nice to have the whole family here unfortunately Comedy Central can arrange for this roast to be held in 1997 oh wait and speaking of things that weren’t held in 1997 but seriously that I’m so proud of you you’re a wonderful father and an amazing actor and I’m thrilled to be here to see you celebrated tonight after all the years of giving verbal abuse it’s finally time you receive some so before I leave I’d just like to say something you’ve never said to me good night Adam Carolla and Robert DeNiro Alec I’m just sorry I couldn’t say what I really wanted to say fuck you welcome back to this bullshit our next roaster is Adam Carolla he’s known for his massive straight white teeth that dwarf his dwindling straight white audience he was on the man show but was replaced by Joe Rogan he had the number one podcast but was replaced by Joe Rogan but he’s here tonight because we couldn’t get Joe Rogan [Applause] Sean Hayes everybody so funny now seriously I love the gay so I’ve always kind of wondered what it’d be like being blown by a guy and I imagine to be a lot like wearing Crocs short feels great until you look down here’s how fucked up Hollywood is Bruce Jenner announces he’s transitioning and everybody applauds it but when they find out he’s a Republican they’re outraged cut your dick off here Oh cut taxes Hitler you should be laughing at that shit ken Jeong can we all saw your tiny dick in the hangover I haven’t seen a dick that small since I took my nephew ice fishing let’s move from small dicks to big names Robert De Niro is here like Baldwin here both amazing actors but if I learn one thing from all the Harvey Weinstein stories well it’s a pretty much anyone can act what other profession works this way you want to be a commercial airline pilot hmm let me think okay just blow that fat Jew we’ll have you up in the air by noon this is your profession going to be a dental hygienist watch that fat you beat off into a ficus plant will have you Bob I know you’re going through a tough divorce it’s rough it’s hard to meet ladies especially at your age I mean might I suggest a new dating app or old fucks like yourself it’s called carbon dating don’t worry carbon is black Robert just dates the sisters [Applause] on to the man of the hour Alec Baldwin we all love Alex impressions the impressions of Trump the impressions his ring leaves on the foreheads of photographers so many classic lines over an amazing career Coffee is for closers you asked me if I have a god complex I am God and who could forget welcome back to Match Game alik your great friend and a great actor and if I can rant for just one minute here you’re a great sport you have a great sense of humor unlike the social justice warriors who are going to be out there tweeting that all the jokes are problematic you people can blow me you pussy fuck sticks this is a goddamn roast comedians need a place where they could be offensive without your bullshit fake outrage you hashtag heroes you already ruined the Oscars you’re all Woking no joke so if you were offended by anything said tonight please give a reach-around your emotional support dog and shut the fuck up this is our safe space bitches but even if the canceled culture wins Jeff Ross would still be the roastmaster [Music] at the Arby’s in Glendale thank you very much [Applause] you know the code Alec Baldwin Robert DeNiro and Jeff Ross I just want to keep arresting him until he punches me in the face [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] robert de niro is considered one of the greatest living actors the deer hunter Godfather to Raging Bull these are all the types of movies he stopped doing long ago he’s won two Oscars and his balls are nominated for a SAG Award Robert De Niro [Applause] I know I know [Laughter] what the fuck am I doing here this is like that Moscow hotel room where a bunch of whores pissed all over Donald Trump I mean this is what you get for being Alyx friend I’m nights like these you expect your friends the people you’ve worked with closely to show up Tina Fey Tracy Morgan Thomas the Tank Engine Meryl Streep not one instead we have a group sheesh you can’t even find them on Wikipedia and unlike more these people I mean who the fuck are you and Coulter everybody nikki is what’s known as a dirty comedian and I don’t mean a material I mean she hasn’t washed a pussy since Memorial Day Caroline Rhea Caroline did over 160 episodes of Sabrina the Teenage Witch that’s a lot of teenagers not our Kelly numbers but still pretty impressive Sean Hayes over here oh yeah yeah I was in Goodfellas I’m guessing Shawn has also been in Goodfellas and some bad fellas and more than a few sailors I’m sure Caitlyn Jenner now there’s something different about you but I can’t I can’t put my finger in it yes [Applause] Comedy Central wanted to have Kaitlyn on a roast after her surgery so now they can pay her 20% less when I did Raging Bull I had to gain 60 pounds in four months Jeff what’s your Excuse 10 DeJong once stopped his stand-up show to help a woman in the audience who was having a seizure if a seizure is what it takes to stop him from doing stand-up on for that Adam Carolla Adam promotes a drink called the Bros a cocktail finally a light refreshing summer drink for date rapists and now for the only true movie star on the stage me critics say I have a unique quality as an actor I actually like Alec Baldwin and I’m happy to be here for Alec but honestly I’m here to teach Chris read Caitlyn Jenner and Blake Griffin how to fuck black women isn’t a storica fact Alex ancestors came over on the Mayflower Alex’s great-great-great-great great-grandfather was the first white man to punch a Native American in the face that’s a fact now alec is doing it to paparazzi and he doesn’t care who he hits I once saw him take a selfie and punch his own face you’ve starred in huge blockbuster movies Alec and now you’re hosting a fucking game show I’d say you’re about a year and a half away from doing commercials for reverse mortgages one thing I love about Alec is that like the subway pizza rat and crazy people fighting over parking spaces he’s quintessential New York he is kind of like Woody Allen except Alec only screamed at his daughter and woody well I don’t know he [Applause] alik I want to thank you for inviting me to do this now rocky and bullwinkle won’t be the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done and I have to mention now it’s great portrayal of Donald Trump on SNL he fucking nails him exposing Trump for the ridiculous malignant narcissist bully sociopath he is it’s not fair though because alyc doesn’t even have to act to do that I like you’re so convincing I want to punch both of you in the face it’s been a privilege playing robert muller to your donald trump I just wish Muller had roasted Trump as frankly and ferociously as we roasted you after a good sport and I know I’ve been rough on you but I also love you and I say that now because like Robert Kraft at a massage parlor I want my roast to have a happy ending [Applause] coming up Jeff Ross always be close think I’m closing the roads tonight and alec baldwin this time you mini Tygra [Music] [Applause] in the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin this is my least favorite part of the roast because now I have to spend five minutes sitting over there and the stinking hot ass mark left by Jeff Ross give it up for a roastmaster general Jeff Ross [Applause] [Music] thank you everybody happy roasts everyone happy Road what a crowd Here I am again following fuckin DeNiro great job ageing Bowl [Music] I learned something tonight alec is the name you give your son if you want him to grow up and be an asshole kaylynn you were fucking awesome tonight I just want to say that you were really awesome tonight but I wouldn’t fuck you with Bruce Jenner’s dick [Applause] remember when your picture was on Wheaties boxes back when people could still look at you when they eat how about a hand for a guest of honor mr. Alec bobblehead Baldwin Alec is actually my neighbor in Greenwich Village which was a pretty safe neighborhood until you fucking moved in you’re a big star I watched you get arrested for punching a guy over a parking spot next time valet your car and help your brother’s business help a brother round Alec I’m speaking as a big fan I love all your movies Alec I loved you in The Departed which is also what Caitlin calls her penis and of course Alec you got your oscar nomination for the cooler which is where caitlyn keeps her penis and of course your first big break was to hunt for red october which is what Caitlin calls her vagina alik I first saw you in the movie Pearl Harbor which was worse than the actual Pearl Harbor halfway through I was rooting for the Japanese any fans of Alec Baldwin’s Donald Trump impression here tonight a lot of people don’t realize is that for the last three years Donald Trump is actually doing an Alec Baldwin impression because people named SEOs at the press he married an immigrant half his age the only differences in Trump calls his daughter a fox not a pig here’s to you Ireland great job Ireland you didn’t wink once what a babe I love that movie [Applause] Bob this is nothing for you you’ve seen it all Robert Dino’s been around so long he was God’s father [Applause] Bob I have to give you a prompt your owner of my favorite sushi restaurant any fans of Nobu I love that place by the way Nobu is also what Bob’s girlfriend says when he asked her to dress up like sexy harriet tubman Nobu [Applause] Caroline Rhea this is my friend for a long time I love this woman so much you look like the schoolteacher all the kids hide behind during a shooting [Applause] if you don’t know Chris Red’s work on sound out live he does all the impressions that Kenan Thompson is too fat to play big future bro big future you look like a blind kid tried to draw a Michael B Jordan with affection Adam Carolla very interesting podcast tonight oh come on Adam I love you you were great tonight but you gotta own up to it you once said women aren’t funny well let me tell you something they are and you should have hired some to write your jokes tonight [Applause] you look great tonight you look like the photo that Caitlin showed her doctor great to see my pal Ken Jong ken is a doctor a comic and an actor or is it snowing back home in Korea a failure [Laughter] congratulations are in order your wife and you you just had identical twin daughters congratulations ken told me ken told me he can’t tell them apart well now you know how the rest of us feel you’re a good guy Ken thank you for letting them live [Applause] kaylynn it’s frustrating to think about you supported not on Trump despite US policies how can someone who chooses to be a woman vote against a woman’s right to choose disgust you’re built like Sarah Huckabee Sanders doesn’t mean you have to vote like who transitions in 60 it’s like neutering your dog right before he dies Roose general wanted to be here tonight but some cut his dick off Bruce blink twice if you’re in there [Applause] I gotta give it up to you you’re the first transgender person ever to do the Comedy Central Roast I believe you’re normalizing what should be normal and you proved tonight you’re not just a great athlete the greatest athlete you’re also a great sport which i think is really important and you’re an inspiration to republican transgender Olympic decathlon winners everywhere mr. Alec Baldwin thank you for doing this tonight for charity and to be honest making fun of you wasn’t easy because you have it all a great career a beautiful family good looks intelligence and you know what you should run for president someday yeah I think you got a good shot cuz in addition to all that you’re also a piece of shit Coffee is for closers good night everybody [Music] [Applause] coming up why are you wearing those fucking shoes I’m sorry I yelled with my door already alec baldwin a chance to have the Empire State Building shoved up my ass one brick at a time who wouldn’t be looking forward [Music] [Applause] and now for the man of the hour Alec we’ve known each other for a very long time so when you asked me to host I didn’t hesitate to say yes especially knowing it was for such a great charity called exploring the arts you’ve been a great sport tonight a great friend over the years and I love you very very much thank you for having me is something your kids will never say he’s living proof that yoga doesn’t work for everyone for your own safety no flash photography Alec Baldwin [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] what a night you’ve all talked about me berating the paparazzi marrying a woman half my age and so many other memorable achievements glad you all had fun and a sizable amount of TV exposure at my expense but just there’s one more charitable act that I’ve done that I won’t get credit for I’m a generous guy so sharing the spotlight is my gift to all of you at the same time I want to set all of you straight not you Sean if your father couldn’t do that how can I [Applause] Shawn you proved to the world that gay characters could be successful in primetime and tonight you proved once and for all that Neil Patrick Harris wasn’t available [Applause] Shawn you have the face of a ventriloquist doll and the asshole of a much larger ventriloquist doll Lake Griffin my gift to you is bringing awareness to whatever tragic skin disease it is you have you’re a remarkable man Blake I wish were as close as your eyes are Blake Griffin tonight you demonstrated what you do best sitting while others score Adam Carolla I presume you’re here to measure all of us for cages Adam you might have your own vineyard but you do most of your white whining on your podcast have you heard it have you heard his podcast it’s fantastic number two in the mass shooter demo Adams wife has her own podcast – it’s called can I speak now Adam Carolla also hosted a show for car geeks called Top Gear his favorite episode was finding the most fuel-efficient car to drive into a crowd in Charlottesville [Applause] we’re all learning so all we can do I didn’t even know what a Nikki Glaser was before tonight I still don’t were you the fight attendant I was rude too I’m sorry if you were but I don’t regret finishing my game of words with friends on that flight I sniped an incredible 92 pointer with zymurgy zymurgy Bob isn’t that your second wife’s name no wait no wait it’s the medication Jeff Ross takes for losing his battle with seepage what devastating comment could I make about Nikki Glaser that she hasn’t already muttered to herself in a mirror at Equinox Caroline ray Caroline I just love you you were so open and honest backstage she told all of us she hasn’t been laid and so long she went through Caitlyn Jenner’s trash looking for dick but you were great tonight you have a great time this is the longest you’ve gone without mentioning Sabrina the Teenage Witch true story Caroline visited my sick mother when she was dying of cancer in the hospital we sat for a bit and that she turned on the TV and said Sabrina the Teenage Witch is on Caroline you totally get the assist on that suicide my mom attacked that morphine button like she was trying to buzz in on Jeopardy [Applause] ken Jong I’m proud of you normally you come across like an Asian stereotype but tonight your lips totally match the words you were saying I’m such a fan of your work but you flipped that shrimp tail into your hat on my birthday was just genius I realized I’m not very big in the Asian community but I suppose there’s a good reason the hardest possible title for you to pronounce is Glengarry Glen Ross [Applause] Jeff Ross everybody Jeff Ross I’m gonna be honest I’m surrounded by so many friends but you are a mandatory fixture here it’s like you bought a beautiful new house and they wouldn’t let you chop down this one fat ugly tree for some stupid reason Jeff Ross is obsessed with food he meets the Domino’s guy halfway at his birthday when he blow out the candles he wished for another cake [Applause] Caitlyn Jenner is an American gold medalist who changed genders and somehow still managed to be the least interesting member of her family more strength and beauty are as hypnotic as a Salvador Dali painting of Kellyanne Conway you look like a real doll that’s been fucked a little too close to the fireplace Chris red as you know you were one of the true highlights for me when I appeared on SNL all last season you’re great he’s doing a new character at SNL called comedian in car getting coffee for the rest of the cast Chris you are so talented I just hope everyone can recognize you without the credits rolling over your face [Applause] [Music] thank you for bringing thank you for bringing some actual star power to this event Robert De Niro is a legend when it comes to preparing for roles before taxi driver he drove 15 hour days in the cab before Raging Bull he gained 60 pounds and before we filmed the Good Shepherd together he fucked the Sheep it was really weird but that’s why he’s the best if you’re gonna be the goat you gotta fuck a few sheep so you won’t think I have rage I don’t have rage I have passion passion like Robert De Niro at a Philadelphia strip club passion like Ken Jong dry-cleaning the matcha out of Sean Hayes his capri pants I’ve got a bigger heart than the medical condition that will kill Blake Griffin in his 40s and I have a brain Nicky and balls Caitlin and I’m more than a podcast Corolla my emergency contact is not my cat Carolina and I don’t eat my own semen Jeff and I’m like Chris read in a photo at night I showed up and so did you and I want to thank all of you for that I love all of you and if you don’t believe me just check your voicemails say what you want I’m still here I didn’t do it by starring and hit after hit I didn’t do it by keeping my cool I did it my way ladies and gentlemen Paul Anka regrets [Music] he had a few [Music] but then again too few to mention he did what he had to do he saw it through without exemption he planned each charted course each careful step along the byway and more much more than this he did it his way handsome man [Applause] if not himself then here’s not just say the things you truly feel I [Music] [Applause]

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