So, guys, uh, I saw a really
funny comedian the other night. I asked him to come on
and do a tight five for you. I think you’ll like him. Uh, please welcome
Brian Simpson. -(applause and cheering)
-♪ ♪ Yeah. I don’t, uh…
I don’t help people when their pets go missing. (laughter) No. And when I see
one of those signs, and it’s like, “Lost dog,” I’m like, “All right,
that’s one side of the story.” -(laughter)
-Yeah. You’re using the word “lost,”
but what if I ask the dog? Maybe he escaped. You know? Those people want you to think
their dog’s biggest problem is they can’t find them. But I saw this documentary. It turns out, the average canine
can recognize a familiar scent for up to 13 miles. For up to 48 hours. So maybe your dog know exactly
where you are. -You know?
-(laughter) (applause and cheering) Yeah. You just can’t handle the fact
that he chose the streets. (laughter) And you shouldn’t be asking
black people to help return a runaway
to his master, so… (laughter, groaning) Oh, shit. Racism. Here we go. (laughter) We don’t talk
about racism enough ’cause it makes everybody–
white people– uncomfortable. (laughter) Like, we treat racism
like herpes. We just act
like it’s not everywhere. (laughter) Then every now and then,
there’s a flareup. (laughter) And America’s like, “I don’t have it.
I don’t know… where everybody’s
getting it from.” (laughter, applause) And then,
all the black people are like, “Well, this is the only country “that’s been (bleep) me, so… “why is my freedom so bumpy? You know what I mean?” (laughter) And they hate when we protest. Just large groups of us
piss people off. America looks at black people the way cashiers look
at pennies. (laughter) Like, legally they have
to accept us everywhere, but if you walk in
with more than a handful, everybody’s like,
“What is this bullshit?” (laughter) (applause and cheering) It’s true. Reviews are ruining everybody. Everybody thinks their (bleep)
opinion is valuable ’cause we can review things. Remember the golden days,
remember the early ’90s? If you went out somewhere, and there was something wrong
with your sandwich or something, you got home, you just had
to shut the (bleep) up about it. -(laughter)
-Yeah. Nobody cared what happened
to you at Applebee’s when Bill Clinton was president. (laughter) Now every single American
is like, “Oh, I had to ask twice
for napkins?” (laughter) “I’m gonna put this place
out of business. I got…” (laughter) -Yeah.
-(applause) You notice people leaving
one-star reviews on national parks? Yeah. Somebody gave Yellowstone
National Park a one-star review. And I quote. “Went camping,
only saw one bear. Bullshit.” (laughter) How arrogant do you have to be to give the earth
a one-star rating? It’s the only habitable planet. (laughter) You can watch ten YouTube videos
now and be like, “You know what? (bleep) the people
that have a degree in this.” (laughter) “I have some theories of my own,
Neil deGrasse Tyson.” (laughter) You know those people that don’t
believe the earth is round? Yeah, they call themselves
“flat earthers.” And their whole reasoning
is, uh, it don’t seem round from here. (laughter) ‘Cause they can’t see the curve,
they don’t think it’s real. Like, there’s people smarter
than you, dude. Just accept that.
(bleep) what you can see. (laughter) You’ve never seen germs.
I bet if I sneeze in your mouth, you’ll make
a doctor’s appointment. (laughter,
applause and cheering) (whooping) Yeah. And stop assuming that
black people’s biggest fear is racist cops. There’s racists in every job. You know what’s more terrifying
than a racist cop? -A racist lifeguard.
Oh, my God! A racist cop got to at least
break a sweat. Lie to somebody. A racist lifeguard just has
to not notice you out there. (laughter) -And you dead.
-(laughter) So ask yourselves… is it that black people
can’t swim… (laughter) …or have we been the victims of a decades-long conspiracy by the aquatic wing
of the Ku Klux Klan? (laughter) (applause) Yeah. Right. And stop calling
the Ku Klux Klan “the Klan,” like they’re the greatest clan. The Wu-Tang Clan
is the greatest clan. -(cheering, applause)
-Yeah. It doesn’t matter what’s
important to you in the clan. The Wu-Tang Clan has
more members than the Ku Klux. They’ve got more hit singles
than the Ku Klux. And if you listen
to their music, they’ve killed more (bleep)
than the Ku Klux Klan, so… -(laughter)
-I’m Brian Simpson, everybody. Thank you very much. (cheering) -Nice job.
-Thank you. Brian Simpson.