Laughter is the Best Medicine

Tik Tok Jokes and One-Liners 2019 v7

if everybody in the world held hands and
stood around the equator most people would drown. there are more airplanes in
the ocean than submarines in the sky if to blue whales were laid out and to end
on a football field the game would be canceled if you formed a human pyramid
ten people high next to a t-rex the t-rex would quickly begin eating all the
people Hey tick-tock how is everybody look walk with me for a minute I’m a
share one with you on the go but I stopped in the bar a couple nights ago I
don’t go to the bar a lot but every once in a while you know I have to work I
might stop in then give me something cold to drink so I’m at the bar sitting
that dude at the bar on a stool talking to the bartender I actually knew her
she’s from time we grew up together and I feel this slap with a grab on my ass
you guys and I’m a big dude six feet 200 pounds I turn around on my stool and
this huge woman is standing over me looking down I’m talking ugly y’all
skinny neck little bitty head big old body and she says you that guy from
tick-tock oh shit hell of a time to get recognized she says well my friends and
I were talking over there and I’m over here cuz I think you should call me I
looked her up and down I said well do you have a pen she says of course I said
well you better get back in it before the farmer realizes you were missing
well so mr. and mrs. Barker are basically white trailer trash alabamy
and as far southern as you can come and they have nine kids and right after they
have their ninth kid they decide to go get a vasectomy to stop having kids they
get to the doctor the nurses of what mr. Barker why are you why are you not
wanting another kid why’d you stop at nine and he says well doctor my wife and
I read a study that one out of every ten children born in the United States is
Mexican and I figure we should stop at night because neither one of us speaks
Spanish hey babe what do women and Google have in common
no neither one of them can let you finish a sentence without making a
suggestion I don’t understand why Dayton and finding a woman so hard really I
mean all I want is for a woman to give me her heart and throat I mean soul shit mom how is pubic hair like parsley I
don’t wanna answer that it’s nasty I don’t know oh my god two nuns are
painting a room in a convent one day and when we get paint on the road so they
close the door and lock it and take off all their clothes and paint the room
naked so they don’t get paint on the road by that time they’re here knock at
the door I said no isn’t blind man’s voice says on the other side no they
look at each other like you mean wasn’t harm in it so they opened the door when
they open the door gasps there he goes holy shit cracking tits he said where do
you ladies want the blinds swimming wife left me she told me she was leaving
because I exaggerate too much I mean I was so shocked that I almost
tripped over my dick joke of the day here we go so two friends are sitting at
church when one of them admits to the other that he is sleeping with the
priests wife so he asked his friend to keep the priest occupied for a few hours
at church while he goes and you know hangs out with his wife so the friend
stays a church and continues to ask the priest questions and you know keeps him
there and preoccupies him and finally the priest gets fed up and says you know
what’s with all the questions what’s going on why are you asking me all this
so the friend feels bad and finally fesses up to the priest and says well
I’m sorry but my friend is actually sleeping with your wife and he told me
to keep you occupied here at church the priest with a slightly stunned look on
his face replies son I don’t have a wife my wife
died years ago you better hurry home gay jokes with
this release hey Bob how can you make a gay guy scream twice screw them real
hard and then wipe your dick off on the curtains three guys were standing
outside the gates of heaven st. Peter says tend to hide dad I let you in first
guy said well I suspected my wife was having an affair so I came home from
work early one day and I found her in bed naked I could smell sex in here
looked everywhere for this guy couldn’t find him walked out on my balcony get
some fresh air and I saw these hands holding on he’s like I got pissed I
stomped on his fingers I didn’t kill him cuz we only live on
the second floor he said but I had this whole fridge I’ve been meaning to get
rid of wrote it out on the back and he picked it up threw it on top of him
killed him walked in shot my wife shot myself that’s how I got here st. Peter’s
like go ahead second guy walks up he’s like Tim head out let you in he’s like
well I’m a maintenance man for this apartment complex downtown he said was
up on the roof fix the leak one day when I slipped and fell he said by the grace
of God I caught on to the balcony of the second floor I said but I guess to get
this guy off cuz he come out started stomping on my fingers he said I only
fell 20 feet so I didn’t dies like just when I was getting up
he threw a fridge on top of me st. Peter’s like okay go ahead
third guy walks up he’s like Timmy Haddad let’s change like I’m butt-ass
naked in this fridge hey Chris what did the tie say to the hatch you go on ahead
I’ll hang around a man and woman were in a really bad car accident both cars were
completely demolished but both of them were fine
the woman gets out and she looks at the man and says Wow a miracle where both of
our cars have been destroyed but yet here we are just fine this must be a
sign from God the man says yep I totally agree this
must be a sign from God the woman notices that there’s a bottle
of wine completely intact in her car and she says wow look at this this entire
bottle of wine is intact this must be another sign from God he must want us to
enjoy this wine and enjoy ourselves menses okay so the woman hands him the
bottle he just shakes his head and opens it and hands it to her who she
immediately chugs half the bottle when she hands it back to the manager shakes
his head and says no thanks and she says well why aren’t you gonna have any the
man says well I think I’ll just wait till the cops get here this man walks
into a bar and sees this jar packed full of $10 bills sitting on the counter and
he asked Martin – what’s that about and the bartender says well everybody
puts $10 in there and if they can pass the test not only will they get that
whole jar of money but they get the Lexus this parked out back my guy says
well what’s the test he said first off you gotta drink an entire quarter
tequila without making a face then you got to go out back and pull the bad
tooth out of the Rottweiler this chained up outside and then there’s no lady
upstairs it hasn’t ever had sex in her entire life and you gotta take care of
that problem soon the guy’s like okay I’ll try it so he downs the quart of
tequila tears rolling out his eyes but he
manages through it he goes out back and all of a sudden everybody starts hearing
all this screaming and hollering and carrying on and he walks in all padded
up and bloody and goes okay so where’s the old lady with the bad tooth hey
Josie what did one boob say to the other boob
you’re my best friend this woman walks in his pet store she’s looking for you
know a pet for the house for her husband something easy to take care of so you
don’t have to mess with too much and as she walks in the door there’s this
there’s this bird standing next to door says there’s the new whore she looks the
bird looks at the manager the manager just mm-hmm he said ma’am I’m sorry
faces I’m so sorry he says we we got that bird from a brothel brothel shut
down and they gate and you know they gave the bird to us that way we could
you know rehome it what she thought it was kind of funny so she focus he you
know bought it took it home every time she’s walking in that a room here comes
a new heart there goes a new whore she’s kind of excited to show this to
her husband cuz it’s kind of funny you know and she’s waiting for him to walk
in the door and he gets home from work opens the front door walks in the bird
goes hi John little Johnny was in the bathroom with his mama and he was
watching her put on her from her facemask him he does mama what are you
doing she said well I’m trying to make myself look pretty he said okay well he
walked out about five minutes later little Johnny walked in saw his mama
taking off her mask and he goes what you fucking give up already so my mum texted me the other day saying
370 HSB turn the phone upside down see what it says yep what a bitch what a
bitch so this guy takes the day off of work did he go golfing he’s on the
second hole news about taters show and here’s ribbit 9-iron looks around and
there’s no one there use it again rivet nine iron looks down there’s a frog it’s
like that was weird but he’s gonna prove the Frog wrong so he puts his club back
takes out a nine iron hits it goes straight in the hole he picks up the
Frog is like wow you you must be a lucky frog frog goes ribbit lucky frog goes to
the next toys what do you want this is ribbit three wood hits a three wood
hole-in-one literally is the best golf game of his life and by the enemy says
what what now the frog goes ribbit Vegas so he takes the Frog to Vegas I go to a
casino he’s okay what are we doing here he says
ribbit rule that he gets up to the roulette table he says now what ribbit
six thousand black six it’s a one-in-a-million shot but he risks it
and he makes it he goes up he buys the fanciest hotel room he gets upstairs he
says oh how can I ever repay you he says ribbit kiss me he kisses and the Frog
turns into a fifteen year old girl and that your honor is how she ended up in
my room hey buddy just got back from a secondary job yeah I was in line to
donate there was a woman in front of me I swear and eventually will curiosity
got the better of me so I had to tap her on her shoulder ma’am I believe you are
in the wrong withdrawals over there this is donations

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