Laughter is the Best Medicine

Tom Green – Celebrity Apprentice – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

Andrew Dice Clay looks at Donad
Trump he says
Donnie there wasn’tenough cream cheese in the bagels
in the greenroom!” The President says, “Andrew,
whose problem is that?” And he says,
“It’s your problem, Donnie! It’s your problem!”
“Andrew, you’re fired.”[dark electronic music]– Welcome
to “This Is Not Happening.” I’m your host, Roy Wood Jr.♪ ♪Some say it only lasts
15 minutes. Some people are gonna tell you
it’s a mythical creaturethat lives at the bottom
of a rainbow.
And some’ll tell you
not to overdo it. [cheers and applause] [roars in slow motion]But if you ask me,I say…enjoy it while it lasts.♪ ♪[laughs in slow motion][cheers and applause]He’s a legend in the game. Two words: Tom Green![cheers and applause]– You know, I don’t like
talking politics, but… [laughter] It’s hard for me to not talk
politics when I’m on stage doing stand-up,
because I know the president. [laughter] And that’s my story today. [cheers and applause] I know the president. I know the President
of the United States. He fired me
on “The Celebrity Apprentice.” [laughter] He screamed at me when he fired
me. He didn’t scream at the other
celebrities. He didn’t scream at Brian
McKnight. [laughter] Whoever the fuck that is. [laughter] No, he’s a good guy.
He’s a good guy. [laughter] The president fired me. You know, I watched “The
Celebrity Apprentice.” I used to watch that show. And I thought, “I could win
that. I could win
that business competition.” So when they asked me to do the
show, I thought, “This is great; I’m gonna do
‘The Celebrity Apprentice.’ I’m gonna win this thing,” and
I studied the show. I studied all the strategy. I got the tapes. I was gonna win this thing. Episode one. [laughter] I showed up.
I didn’t know who the other celebrities were gonna be. In walks my good friend
Andrew Dice Clay. [laughter] One of the great stand-up
comedians in history and my good friend. I’d known Andrew Dice Clay for
ten years. He used to come do my internet
television show. I was doing an internet TV show
on the internet from my living room. [laughter] Yeah, my career was going
pretty well. [laughter] [sighs] Immediately
when Andrew walked in, I thought, okay,
this is gonna throw my whole strategy
out the window. ‘Cause whenever I’m hanging out
with Andrew Dice Clay, we like to mess around
with people. We’ll get in fake arguments just to confuse people
around us. So on the first episode
of “The Celebrity Apprentice”– season two– the president gave us
a challenge. [laughter] We had to make cupcakes. I guess the President figured that would be a good
business competition. So I’m making cupcakes
with Andrew Dice Clay. [laughter] And we start messing with
the people around us. Andrew gets mad, he says, “Tommy, you’re not putting
enough sugar in the batter!” I say,
“Calm down, Andrew, calm down!” Clint Black and Scott Hamilton
are looking at us. “Wow, these guys really seem
to know each other.” So now we got an alliance
against us, right? Andrew Dice Clay and I
were too familiar. Clint Black didn’t like me. Country star Clint Black. I don’t want to say anything
bad about Clint Black, but that guy’s
a fucking asshole. [laughter] No, no, he’s a good guy. He’s a good guy. [laughter] So we finish
our cupcake challenge. We go to the boardroom. Everyone hears that we’ve been
yelling at each other. The President
of the United States… says to Andrew Dice Clay, “Andrew, I hear
there was a problem today.” Andrew Dice Clay looks
at Donald Trump, he says, “Donnie, there wasn’t
enough cream cheese in the bagels
in the greenroom!” The President says, “Andrew,
whose problem is that?” And he says,
“It’s your problem, Donnie! It’s your problem!”
“Andrew, you’re fired.” [laughter] So now my friend, my only ally,
is fired. [laughter] I’m all alone with Jesse James. [laughter] Clint Black.
Herschel Walker. And Dennis Rodman. [laughter] Episode two. [laughter] Olympic gold medalist
figure skater Scott Hamilton is the project manager. Our task is to make
a commercial campaign for a shoe company
that starts with the letter Z. Okay?
Doesn’t matter which one. But it starts with the letter
Z. He suggests to us that we do
a campaign called EEE. Energy, Enthusiasm, Excitement. I look at Scott, and I say, “That’s the stupidest fucking
idea I’ve ever heard.” [laughter] This did not ingratiate me
to my team members. [laughter] We lost the challenge. We go into the boardroom. I don’t know if you’re familiar
with the rules of “The Apprentice,” but the President
of the United States… [laughter] Says to Olympic figure skater
Scott Hamilton, “Scott, you get to
fire one person. “Who are you bringing into the
boardroom today? “You can bring two people
into the boardroom. Who are you bringing in?” And Scott Hamilton says,
“Mr. Trump, I know I can bring “two people into the boardroom,
but I’m only bringing one “person into the boardroom,
and that’s Tom! ‘Cause Tom deserves
to get fired.” And he says, “Fine,” and we
walk out into the hallway, and we wait around, and the
other cast members leave, and then we go back into the
boardroom. I look at the President
of the United States… [laughter] And I say, “I know, Mr. Trump, “that Scott doesn’t think
I did a very good job, “but I think the reason
that we lost this challenge “was ’cause his idea was
to call the campaign EEE “and the company starts
with a Z, and that’s the stupidest idea
I’ve ever heard.” And Donald Trump looked at me,
and he said, “You know, Tom,
I think you’re right. Scott, you’re fired.” And I got him fired! I…I got–
I got–I got him fired! I got Scott Hamilton fired! I got Scott Hamilton fired.
Yeah. I got Scott Hamilton fired. I’m not bitter or anything, but
I… [laughter] It was eight years go.
I’m fine now. [laughter] Episode three. [laughter] The President
of the United States walks into the room. He says,
“Now we’re going to decide who is the project manager
of this week for each team.” It was the men
versus the women. I raise my hand,
I say, “Mr. Trump, I would like to be
the project manager.” Our whole team looks
at each other. They say, “Fine.” On the ladies’ side,
the late, great, legendary Joan Rivers
raises her hand. [cheers and applause] She is the project manager for
the ladies. Then Mr. Trump, the president,
says, “Okay, your challenge this week is, who can sell
the most wedding dresses.” [groans and laughter] Who do you think’s gonna sell
more wedding dresses, me and Dennis Rodman or Joan Rivers
and Khloe Kardashian? [laughter] So needless to say,
things didn’t go well. My entire team now had an
alliance against me. They mutinied. Everyone had a job. Clint Black was supposed to do
the promotion and marketing. He didn’t do it. [laughter] Brian McKnight was supposed to
do some stupid thing. I don’t know what the fuck… [laughter] He didn’t do it. [laughs] We lost the challenge. At the end of the day,
after working hard trying to sell wedding dresses, Dennis Rodman leaned to me, and he said, “Hey, Tom,
you wanna go out for a drink?” So I went out for a drink. With Dennis Rodman. The president fired me
’cause I went out drinking with Dennis Rodman on the night I was the project
manager. I mean, this is why, sometimes,
I question the president’s judgment. [laughter] I mean, what are you supposed
to do? You’re a kid from Canada. You’re in New York City. A 7-foot-tall cross-dressing
basketball champion asks you out on a date. You say yes, right? It’s Dennis Rodman, right? [cheers and applause] It’s Dennis Rodman. The guy’s a legend; he’s
probably gonna pick you up, take you out for a steak
dinner. You head out for a night on the
town. You have some cranberry vodkas. You hit the strip club. At the end of the evening, you
head back to the hotel. If you’re lucky,
he doesn’t have sex with you. [laughter] That’s what I call a backcourt
violation. Okay. No, that’s just jokes,
a little basketball joke. I don’t know. I-I guess–
I guess as a Canadian, sometimes I feel… odd talking politics during this strange year in
America, you know. I mean, at the end of the day,
what do I got to do with it, right? And I know things could go bad,
but if things really go bad, I’m just gonna move home to
Canada. We’re building a wall. [laughter] Gonna make Donald Trump pay for
it. But if I can say one thing,
I will say that… it does demystify
the presidency when you know the president. I know the president
personally. The president knows me. Anyone who knows me should
probably not be president. [laughter] Hey, thank you very much,
everybody.– Tom Green, everybody,
Tom Green!
[dark electronic music]

100 thoughts on “Tom Green – Celebrity Apprentice – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

  1. Nothing about this guy is funny. People in the video keep fake laughing. They laugh even when hes not saying anything. 5 min into the video I had to shut that stupid fucker off.

  2. If I remember right Tom was before Knoxville and jackass and all those types. He made way for alotof ppl. I remember him being way past his time…funnyass guy.

  3. Lack of responsibility "self or otherwise", Lack of competitive edge, Lack of Team work and a Lack of social Graces. Brother, Even thought the now acting president gave you a hard time. You would not have made it anyway. Technically, Our president should not have made it but somehow he did. But you Tom… You were a mess i would have fired you too. Also, do not blame the Wedding dress sales on Sexism and social bias Cause i remember Dennis wearing it and rocking it. Weirdly but still owning his weirdness.

  4. Can't help but think this maybe the only video that survives the next 1000 years. And those of the future are going to be shocked to learn Tom is telling the truth, and he and others are actually laughing about it. That the moron who got celebrities to make cupcakes and sell wedding dresses actually became The President Of The United States Of America!

  5. The second wall on the Southern Canadian border will rise. Completely turning the States into one giant prison.

  6. How surprising a comedian with the humor of a dead yak figured out the one punchline.. "So the President of the United States…yada yada yada" would work so effectively on liberals he literally could have came out holding a rubber duck and called it Trump for 30 minutes of continuous laughter. Comedy at it's finest.

  7. Clint Black really is an asshole..

  8. I mean damn i been a fan since the tom green show …but jeez its cringeworthy when yuppie white people laugh..i mean damn he hasnt said the joke yet and thier laughing like donkeys…fucking lame

  9. Tom Green is actually likeable and funny now that he's not being his frantic Over-the-top earlier version. Hope we see more of him

  10. I like how 60% of the joke is that the current POTUS used to be a celebrity show host and Tom makes it work for him.

  11. Tom: "…The President of the United States…"

  12. its funny how comedy central is still using Ari Shaffirs name in the tags to drive traffic to this video even though they fired him. that's right I see your tags

  13. I agree with Mr Green: Clint Black is indeed an asshole. I was a child and bumped into him in Cincinnati. He was immediately an unapologetic prick to me.

  14. Used to watch him when I was young. He had a bit where guests would drink something and guess whether it was pickle juice or piss. Tom always got the piss. I loved it.

  15. From now on, if I'm in a group of people and someone walks in, I'm going to pretend to be in the middle of a story and say "so I'm making cupcakes with Andrew Dice Clay."

  16. I couldn't stand this guy 20 years ago when he was on top of the world, but I've been laughing all day at this bit. Good job, Tom Green.

  17. Is this the "my bum is on your lips" guy? The guy that said he'd give his left testicle to sleep with Drew Barrymore, and then lost his right testicle to cancer, kept it as a souvenir, and then ended up marrying and divorcing Drew Barrymore? Didn't he do a movie about sausages, a piano, and something with a mouse and anal penetration? He had a show in the 99s.. This is the same guy, right?

  18. One of my first industry gigs was working on Freddy Got Fingered in the art department and then spending a day on set watching Tom direct. Needless to say, I was nerding out heavily.

  19. ●STARLORD BINGO the YouTube video GAME●
    Look around This Isn't Happening for blueprint to help connect dots to the YTP, ytp, YtP, etc Video…

  20. I loved watching Tom Green Show back in the day. He’s a funny guy and this story is my favorite TINH so far.

  21. amazing but anybody else weirded out by how people laughed very loud at his entrance sentences to jokes, like tom is super funny but he hadn't even started the set up and you are laughing uncontrollably, seems very fake.

  22. I’m turning off and stand up that starts with a trump/political joke from now on. It’s not original, it’s not even funny to me (a person who hates trump), and I haven’t found any of them funny (I laugh at everything)

  23. Brilliant. He gets a laugh from saying names and the president bit hits every time. He's really exceptionally funny doing stand up.

  24. Trump will forever be the laughing stock of the world and his followers will go back to their miserable lives denying they ever wore those stupid hats.

  25. Uproarious laughter whenever Tom says "President of the United States." It's funny because it's absurd and because it's true.

  26. People literally dying at him exhaling or pausing ? Im not expecting line gag after line gag but people crying with laughter with nothing being said is just stupid.

  27. Tom's comic delivery is perfect.The timing, the reveals of the other celebrities, the pauses for effect. Flawless.

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