♪ ♪[line trilling]– Hello, [bleep] [bleep].
How can I help?– Hello, [bleep].This is Niles Standish calling. I’m going to be
a shopping center Santa Claus, and I need some alterations
on a suit. Would that be something
you could handle? – Should be, yeah. – Now I’ve just moved
into town. I’ve left
all my old Santa gear behind. It was burned
in an incinerator. Want a fresh start,
clean Santa suit. No stains or evidence
whatsoever. I’d like the belly
to be completely exposed, more like a bare midriff,
– I– – Wouldn’t you want to see
jolly old Saint Nick’s tummy really shake when he giggles?
– Well…You know, it depends
on who you are. – Mm, yes,
I’m the Duke of Yankerville. Now, listen, [bleep], my suit
will need a long front zipper, just in case a brawl
breaks out. I don’t like
to bloody up the suit. Rather fisticuffs
in the raw anyway. – Hmm. – What would be
the thinnest fabric that you could
make the suit out of? – You’d need at least something
the weight of a knit. – I want something
as thin as a spray tan. – I don’t think that really
exists in terms of fabric. There are visual effects that
are as thin as a spray tan. – You know the legend
of Santa’s surprise pocket? – I don’t.
– It’s a Dutch traditionwhere the children would reach
into Santa’s pocket and pull out a surprise. I want the slit,
but no pocket. Do you know what I mean? – I don’t. – I love Christmas,
but, each Christmas morn, I like to throw open my window and yell to the small children
downstairs to fetch me the turkey
down the street and I’ll give them
half a crown! [bell rings] – Oh, I just had
a client come in. I gotta–hold on. – Let me talk to him.
Let me talk to him. – Uh, this is [bleep]. – I’m a potential customer. How do you feel they did
with your order? – Uh, they did really well. – Now, [bleep] has been
all over since I called. – Oh, yeah?
– Now this is between us.This is between us.She’s insatiable
and I love it, I love it. – Okay. – Now describe her for me,
if you would. – No, I’m gonna pass–
– No, no, no, no, no, no.– I got some other stuff
to do, but I appreciate it.– No, do it in code.
We’ll do it in code.We’ll do it in code. Listen, would you like
to be an elf and come down my chimney? [line clicks] – [bleep] idiot.♪ ♪[phone ringing] – Hello, [bleep].
How may I help you? – Hey, I wanted to know
if I could book a party. – Oh, absolutely. – Okay, cool.
It’s gonna be, like, 14 kids. – Okay. – Two weeks from now. And then eight
of the kids have measles. – So eight of the kids are,
like, they’re sick, or… – No, they’re not sick.
They’re just contagious. And then two are vegan. So I just want to make sure
there’s vegan options at the snack bar. – Um, there are, I believe. Um, did you say
they were contagious? – Uh, well, I mean,
measles is contagious, but we’re just kind of–
they’re riding it out. – Okay.
Um… – Okay, cool.
And the measles, it’s just, like,
natural measles. – I know there’s
two different kinds. My mother’s actually a doctor,
and you said that, and I just wanted to make sure
they weren’t actually, like, um, like, highly contagious,
where I’d have to be– – Did you say you’re a doctor? – No, no, no.
My mother is. – Oh, okay. – So I was just
wanting to make sure it wasn’t gonna be
putting other customers or other children
that are here kind of at risk. – It will a bit, but that’s just
part of measles. But it’s, like,
the cute disease where they have the little, you know, the little red spots
on their face. – Mm-hmm.
Okay, all right. Um… – And maybe
can your mother be there? ‘Cause it always helps
to have a doctor in the house. – Probably not,
’cause she has her own job. – No, I hear you,
and we don’t need the doctor for the measles. It’s just for the one kid
who has leprosy. – Will you actually
give me one second? I’m gonna check
something real quick. – I think we’re just
gonna come there now because– – Tonight?
– Yeah. – Yeah,
so I have a kid that actually just got seriously hurt, and I need to go ahead
and, like, call– – Guys, get in the van! Okay, I’ll see you then.
Take care of that little kid. – All right.
– Love you. – Bye.[upbeat music]♪ ♪