Next up, we have Alec Baldwin’s
beloved Maltese dogs. They’re in charge
of Alec’s emotional support, and they’re failing miserably.
Give it up for Dama and Gitana. Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen. Gitana and I are honored
to celebrate a great man and a great master,
Alec Baldwin. Mr. Yes, yes.
Mr. Baldwin and I are so close, he even carries my poop
around in a bag. He only does that for me
and Robert de Niro. No, no, sorry. Sorry.
It’s just a joke. I’m sorry, deeply sorry.
I won’t do it again. You’re a great man. So sorry.
I will never say it again. What’s the problem?
What’s going on here? What the hell is going on?
Listen to me. Just say the lines
I wrote, fuzzy bitch. This is a big
Comedy Central event. You’re embarrassing us
in front of David Spade. I’m trying to get work
on Joe Dirt 3, which is coming out
on Crackle 4. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
We’re terrified of Mr. Baldwin. Oh, I’m sorry. When we shit on the rug,
he makes us drink out of the same bowl
as his brother, Billy. Okay. Okay, okay.
You poor, poor kids. I understand. Take it easy.
Take it easy. Okay, here we go. Here, have some of this.
You’ll feel better. I’ll read the jokes.
Hold on. There we go. Where’s the teleprompter?
You guys just eat that. There you go. There you go.
I’ll tell the jokes. All right. Okay.
Thank you, you’re very good. Okay, let’s get to the jokes.
Just… You’re good. Just breathe
through your nose, honey. Let me get to these jokes. Okay. Hello Alec,
and good evening folks. You see, dogs always
greet the asshole first. Oh, sorry,
I didn’t mean to interrupt. There you go. Okay.
It’s there if you want it. Okay. Where was I? I kid, I kid. Alec Baldwin is so kind.
He loves all animals. Alec is anti-fur,
which is just one more thing he has in common
with Jeffrey Epstein. Yes. Alec is an old Irish soul,
who cherishes the written word. I can’t count
the number of times Alec has insisted on having
his favorite passages read to him over and over. But enough about
his Miranda rights. Alec is a sensitive artist
at heart. Alec’s written two books,
a one-man show, and the word whore
on his ex wife’s windshield. You’re sure?
Okay. Here, just take it. This is not a Caitlyn
Jenner joke, by the way. It’s not.
I don’t have Chapelle money. I can’t afford it. Some comics have FU money.
Chapelle has F LGBTQ money. Caitlyn bravely took us through
her transition and inspired us, and there’s Caroline Rhea, who herself is completing
her transition from working entertainer
to professional telemarketer. Alec, truly, I’m sorry. You deserved a dais of stars
more worthy of you. I thought Jimmy Kimmel
was here tonight, but I was just smelling
Adam Carolla’s finger. You see, because you pleasure
Kimmel anally. That’s all.
We’re having fun. But Alec, let’s not kid
ourselves. You’re a fine man
and you’re an outstanding actor. Tell us, what was it like
doing an impression of Trump? All that anger,
all that shameless narcissism. How did you dial it down
to play Trump? Seriously,
you’re so self-important and arrogant and violent, Conor McGregor thinks you’re
a negative Irish stereotype. Goodnight, folks.
You’ve been a great crowd… For me to poop on.