Anecdota

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Trump’s Nuclear Plan: It’s Funny Because Nothing Matters Anymore


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. SORRY, WHAT’S THIS? WHAT’S THIS? OH, THIS? IT’S NO BIG DEAL, JUST THE CLEMSON HELMET GIVEN TO ME BY SOUTH CAROLINA GOVERNOR NIKKI HALEY, AND SIGNED BY CLEMSON HEAD COACH DABO SWINNEY. I WEAR IT ALL THE TIME. I WEAR IT ALL THE TIME. I USUALLY TAKE IT OUT BEFORE I COME OUT HERE. OH, HEY, I JUST REMEMBERED, LAST NIGHT, CLEMSON DEFEATED ALABAMA TO BECOME COLLEGE FOOTBALL’S NATIONAL CHAMPION! NO BIG DEAL, NATIONAL CHAMPION. AND SINCE I’VE GOT THE HELMET, I’M NATIONAL CHAMPION, TOO. COULDN’T PLAY LAST NIGHT BECAUSE I HAD TO DO MY SHOW. I WAS VERY BACK-BENCH. AND WHAT A GREAT GAME, REAL BACK-AND-FORTH AFFAIR. DID YOU SEE THE GAME? INCREDIBLE. FIRST, ONE TEAM HAS THE BALL AND THEIR GUY WAS RUNNING, THEN THE OTHER TEAM GOT THE BALL AND THEIR GUY CAUGHT IT. IMPOSSIBLE TO FIGURE OUT WHO WAS GOING TO WIN THE GAME, BECAUSE I WAS WATCHING “BIG BANG THEORY.” BUT STILL, HELL OF A GAME. CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE PLAYERS. YOU EARNED EVERY PENNY LAST NIGHT. MEANWHILE, TRUMP’S TRANSITION IS GOOD FOR YOU. THERE YOU GO. MEANWHILE, WHAT’S GOING ON? TRUMP’S TRANSITION IS STILL STEAMING ALONG LIKE A– WHAT’S A BIG STEAMING THING? ANYWAY, IT’S STEAMING IS THE IMPORTANT THING. ANYWAY, SOMETHING STEAMING IT CLEARS THE PORES, WHEN YOU PUT YOUR FACE OVER IT. TODAY, THE SENATE BEGAN CONFIRMATION HEARINGS FOR ATTORNEY GENERAL NOMINEE AND KEEBLER ELF WHO ESCAPED THE TREE, JEFF SESSIONS. THESE THINGS CAN GET PRETTY TENSE, BUT THERE WERE A FEW LAUGHS.>>WE’RE ABOUT TO GET AN ANSWER TO THE AGE-OLD QUESTION, “CAN YOU BE CONFIRMED ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES OVER THE OBJECTION OF 1,400 LAW PROFESSORS?”>>Stephen: HA, HA, HA. IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE NOTHING MATTERS. SESSIONS’ NOMINATION HAS CAUSED A LITTLE BIT CONTROVERSY BECAUSE OF ACCUSATIONS OF RACIST TALKIE-TALK. BACK IN THE ’80s WHEN HIS AFRICAN AMERICAN ASSISTANT ATTORNEY UPONNED TESTIFIED THAT SESSIONS CALLED HIM “BOY” ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS, AND HE JOKED THAT HE THOUGHT K.K.K. MEMBERS WERE “OK, UNTIL HE LEARNED THAT THEY SMOKED MARIJUANA.” SESSIONS ADMITTED HE SAID THAT BACK THEN, BUT HE SAID HE WAS JOKING AND TODAY ADDRESSED THE WHITE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.>>LET ME ADDRESS ANOTHER ISSUE STRAIGHT ON. I WAS ACCUSED IN 1986, OF FAILING TO PROTECT THE VOTING RIGHTS OF AFRICAN AMERICAN, BY PRESENTING THE VOTER FRAUD CASE, AND CONDEMNING CIVIL RIGHTS ADVOCATES AND ORGANIZATIONS AND EVEN HARBORING, AMAZINGLY, SYMPATHIES FOR THE K.K.P. THESE ARE FALSE CHARGES. I ABHOR THE KLAN AND WHAT IT REPRESENTS, AND ITS HATEFUL IDEOLOGY.>>Stephen: ANOTHER JEFF SESSIONS DOESN’T LOVE THE KLAN. WELL, I GUESS WE’RE DONE HERE. EVERYONE BE CAREFUL NOT TO TRIP OVER THAT EXTREMELY LOW BAR AS YOU’RE LEAVING THE CAME BER. NOW, SESSIONS’ RECORD RAISES CONCERNS FOR DEMOCRATS, BUT IT’S GOING TO BE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE FOR THEM TO BLOCK HIM BECAUSE HE’S TOO NICE. THAT’S JUST HOW POLITICS WORKS. ANDREW JACKSON THAT’S JUST HOW POLITICS WORKS. WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE TRAIL OF TEARS BUT REMEMBER WHEN HE ORDERED PIZZA FOR EVERYBODY? BESIDES, EVERY OFFICE– EVEN HERE– EVERY OFFICE HAS THAT ONE GUY WITH SOME QUESTIONABLE VIEWS BUT YOU PUT UP WITH IT BECAUSE HE’S SO NICE. WE’VE GOT ONE HERE AT “THE LATE SHOW,”” OUR ACCOUNTS PAYABLE GUY, ANDY. SUPER SWEET.>>SOMETIMES I WONDER IF WORLD WAR II ENDED THE RIGHT WAY. ANYBODY ELSE? ( LAUGHTER ) OH, COME ON! TELL ME YOU DON’T THINK HUNTING OLD PEOPLE ON A DESERT ISLAND WOULD BE A TON OF FUN. I’M SORRY, I’M GOING ON AND ON. HOW’S YOUR FAMILY DOING? HAVE A NICE WEEKEND. REMEMBER, JUST BECAUSE WOMEN CAN LEGALLY VOTE DOESN’T MEAN THEY SHOULD.>>Stephen: SOLID GUY. SUPER SOLID GUY. THE POINT IS, I DON’T CARE HOW NICE SCISSIONS IS. I JUST DON’T THINK THAT JEFF SESSIONS IS QUALIFIED FOR THE JOB.>>MY QUESTION IS VERY SIMPLE. IS GRABBING A WOMAN BY HER GENITALS WITHOUT CONSENT, IS THAT SEXUAL ASSAULT?>>YES.>>Stephen: I LIKE HIM.>>WELL, WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON WITH THE TRUMP PEOPLE? OH, THE RUMOR I TOLD YOU ABOUT LAST NIGHT IS OFFICIAL– DONALD TRUMP’S SON-IN-LAW, JARED KUSHNER, WILL BE NAMED SENIOR ADVISER TO THE PRESIDENT. NOW, IN FAIRNESS– COMNOW, COME ON. GIVE HIM A SHOT HERE. IN FAIRNESS TO KUSHNER, HIS QUALIFICATIONS GO WELL BEYOND BEING DONALD TRUMP’S SON-IN-LAW. HE’S ALSO MARRIED TO DONALD TRUMP’S DAUGHTER. NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING THAT THIS VIOLATES THE 1967 FEDERAL ANTINEPOTISM STATUTE, WHICH PROHIBITS PUBLIC OFFICIALS FROM APPOINTING RELATIVES TO A CIVILIAN POSITION IN THE AGENCY OVER WHICH HE EXERCISES CONTROL. BUT TRUMP’S FOLKS SAY THERE IS NO CONFLICT BECAUSE, “A,” THE WHITE HOUSE IS NOT AN AGENCY. AND, “B,” DONALD TRUMP HAS NEVER EXERCISES CONTROL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪ I LIKE THAT. THAT WAS VERY NICE.>>Jon: IT’S TRUMP MUSIC. YEAH.>>Stephen: THAT’S THE DONALD TRUMP MUSIC?>>Jon: YEAH, THAT’S THE TRUMP TRAIN. ♪ ♪ ♪>>Stephen: SOUNDS LIKE WE’RE GOING OFF A HILL AND WE JUMP OFF THE TOP WHEN WE GET THERE.>>Jon: THAT’S RIGHT, THAT’S RIGHT.>>Stephen: JUST LIKE HER FATHER-IN-LAW, MR. KUSHNER WILL NOT TAKE A SALARY. AND JUST LIKE HIS FATHER-IN-LAW, I REALLY WISH HE WOULD. I WANT A GUY IN THERE WHO NEEDS THE GIG, NOT SOMEONE WHO SEES RUNNING THE COUNTRY AS A HOBBY, A WAY TO MEET PEOPLE, LIKE I’M RUN THE COUNTRY INSTEAD OF JOINING AN ADULT KICKBALL LEAGUE. NOW, TRUMP NEEDS TO HIRE A LOT OF PEOPLE, BECAUSE UNLIKE PREVIOUS TRANSITIONS, TRUMP IS GETTING RID OF ALL OF OBAMA HIRES IMMEDIATELY, EVERYBODY IS FIRED, WHETHER HE HAS REPLACEMENTS FOR THEM OR NOT. AND THIS IS TRUE. HE’S EVEN GETTING RID OF THE PEOPLE IN CHARGE OF MAINTAINING OUR NUCLEAR ARSENAL. YEP, THEY’RE LEAVING OUR NUCLEAR WEAPONS “HOME ALONE.” YES, IT’S A GREAT NEW MOVIE ABOUT A YOUNG MEMBER OF ISIS OUT TO STEAL OUR WEAPONS-GRADE PLUTONIUM. I BELIEVE WE HAVE A CLIP.>>EXCUSE ME. WHERE DO THEY STORE THE NUKES?>>DOWN THE HALL AND TO THE LEFT.>>Stephen: IT SHOULD BE FINE. IT SHOULD BE FINE. ♪ ♪ ♪>>Jon: FLY AWAY!>>Stephen: HERE’S THE THING– THE PEOPLE OF THE NATIONAL NUCLEAR SECURITY ADMINISTRATION– WHO, AGAIN, GUARD OUR NUCLEAR STOCKPILE– LEGALLY CAN ONLY FOLLOW ORDERS FROM THE TWO OFFICERS WHO JUST GOT FIRED. WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO NOW, OUTSOURCE IT TO A TASK RABBIT? SET UP A “TAKE A NUKE LEAVE A NUKE” TRAY? SO WHILE THIS MIGHT BE CAUSE FOR CONCERN, ONE NUCLEAR OFFICIAL HAD SOME WORDS OF CALM FOR A TROUBLED NATION: “I’M MORE AND MORE COMING AROUND TO THE IDEA THAT WE’RE SO VERY, VERY (BLEEP).” ( LAUGHTER ) BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, IF THE WORLD ENDS, TRUMP WILL BE A ONE-TERM PRESIDENT. ( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON? HOW ABOUT SOME LESS-DISTURBING NEWS, OKAY. HERE’S ONE. THERE’S A NEW BIOGRAPHY OF MARGARET WISE BROWN. YOU KNOW THE CHILDREN’S CLASSIC, “GOOD NIGHT MOON.” SHE’S THE LADY WHO WROTE THAT. I’M ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH THE BOOK. DON’T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS TO THE BOWL FULL OF MUSH. WHY BROWN’S BIOGRAPHY IS GETTING SOME HEADLINES, BECAUSE APPARENTLY SHE HAD A PRETTY WILDLIFE, INCLUDING LONG-TERM AFFAIRS WITH A MARRY MARRIED MAN AND MARRY’S WOMAN. THERE ARE RUMORS THAT DR. SEUSS HAD A KINK WHERE HE LIKED TO BE SLURFED WITH A DURF IN HIS GLURF. RIGHT UP THE GLURF. LEGALLY, I CAN’T SHOW A GLURF ON CBS. BUT I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHAT THE GLURF IS. YOU KNOW WHAT A GLURF IS. YOU’RE AN ADULT.>>Jon: UH-HUH. YUP.>>Stephen: THAT’S HOW THEY MAKE BABIES IN WHOVILLE.>>Jon: OH, THAT’S RIGHT.>>Stephen: THEY STICK IT UP YOUR WHEREVILLE. JUST TRYING TO KEEP IT LIGHT BEFORE THE WORLD ENDS. JUST TRYING TO KEEP IT LIGHT BEFORE THEY TAKE OUR NUKES. I’M JUST TRYING TO KEEP IT LIGHT. ANOTHER BIG REVELATION– BROWN TOLD A REPORTER, “I DON’T ESPECIALLY LIKE CHILDREN.” NO SURPRISE THERE. AFTER ALL, SHE LET A CHILD SLEEP IN A ROOM WITH AN UNATTENDED FIRE. BUT THE BIGGEST SURPRISE IS THAT THE CHARACTERS IN “GOODNIGHT MOON” ARE BUNNIES. AND ACCORDING THIS BIOGRAPHY, BROWN WAS AN AVID RABBIT HUNTER, WHICH EXPLAINS WHY THE OLD LADY WAS WHISPERING “HUSH.” MARGARET WISE BROWN WAS HEADED OVER WITH A SHOTGUN! SHUT YOUR MOUTH OR IT’S “GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY!” ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) WELL, IN LIGHT OF THESE REVELATIONS, WE AT “THE LATE SHOW” HAVE ACQUIRED AN EARLY DRAFT OF “GOODNIGHT MOON” THAT REFLECTS MARGARET WISE BROWN’S LIFESTYLE WHEN SHE WROTE IT. HERE WE GO. EVERYBODY GET COMFY. IN THE GREAT GREEN ROOM THERE WAS A TELEPHONE AND A RED BALLOON. I CALLED MY MARRIED LOVERS. THEY’LL BE HERE SOON. THE KID’S FAST ASLEEP. I MADE HIM GO HUSH BY PUTTING SOME AMBIEN IN THE DINNER MUSH. ( LAUGHTER ) GOODNIGHT MITTENS. GOODNIGHT TOY HOUSE. HELLO LOVERS WHO HAVE A SPOUSE. ( LAUGHTER )>>Jon: OH! OH! ( APPLAUSE ).>>Stephen: I’M NOT SURE WHAT’S GOING ON HERE. GOODNIGHT YOU, GOODNIGHT ME. PLEASE, LEAVE THIS OUT OF MY BIOGRAPHY.” WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. ANDREW GARFIELD IS HERE.

100 thoughts on “Trump’s Nuclear Plan: It’s Funny Because Nothing Matters Anymore

  1. But he committed perjury…when he was asked if he had met with any Russians, he said"no" but he Did! As we later found out 😡😡

  2. I favorited this for the "Trump Theme" alone. Thank you Jon! Know that we love you, and your haters can climb up that hill with Dumdum Donny and jump off!

  3. Love Colbert, but i usually avoid his show because of how annoying his sidekick musician is. He never contributes anything to the conversation, you just hear him in the background, Yep, He He, You know it. Turn his mic off.

  4. So, because she wrote children's books she has to be a shrinking violet? Tough I'm wondering now if the married people were a couple or not.

  5. Sessions is such a little puppet. Not doing his job. Not representing the people s rights working for trump. Very racist.

  6. Late Night media sold their asses to the worst motherfuckers on this planet! Hollyhell Celebrities, Harvey Weinsteins and Late Night sellouts are a pool of phony, pedo satanists, sick hypocrit scum… Can Trump use that button to nuke CNN and MSNBC?

  7. This show was so good. The elections have just turned it into CNN but with worse jokes. He does a superb job at giving those feminine men out there a show with a host they can relate too.

  8. the great thing about this I think is stephen is trying to support the impeachment of trump in the funniest way, and so old trump supporters change their mind

  9. omg on the "goodnight lovers who have a spouse" page there was a pair of carrots on the nightstand that were a double-sided dildo i'm

  10. A 50,000 kiloton thermonuclear warhead can wipe out the size of new York city in less than 30 minutes. Killing a few million people, and severely injuring thousands of people.
    The people who possess the power to these abominations are evil and must be stopped before its too late.
    Humanity is in the hands of a narcisistic,sociopath named donald trump.
    He has the power to nuke the entire planet without any reason at all, If he wanted to.
    In conclusion donald trump should not be trusted with these weapons of mass destruction.
    If nuclear war does ever break out. If one goes off all of them go off. Its like a domino effect!
    If one country is nuked.
    The other is nuked back
    And so on and so forth..
    This is extremely dire and disturbingly closer than we think.
    The world after a nuclear war will be a cold, dark, broken wasteland in ruins.. We will no longer have electricity, running water, food, internet, t.v., people, buildings, restaurants, parks,cars, lakes, bridges.. Everything will be lost to the dire consequences of these monsterous weapons.
    The president will be in a bunker underground safe from the nuclear winter.
    While the innocent civilians die and wither underneath the thick rain of the nuclear fallout.
    The little survivors of the nuclear war would scramble for any kind of food,water,shelter or resources they can find.
    The consequences of these nuclear weapons are unspeakably evil and destructive to any life on earth. Our only hope is to cast these weapons out and destroy them. Before we destroy ourselves.

  11. America is a continent not a country, we the people who lives in this continent are tired of how the name america has been kidnapped by the united states of america(uniteds staters)please call yourselves the right name, united staters(estado unidenses or gringos) and leave the name america alone. Name your country something else like Gunland, bombland, Godland, well, whatever….
    https://iberomagazine.com/2017/11/05/estados-unidos-otra-matanza-mas/

  12. They plywood Ho number one in 16 thin that I no they jut put me in with out I do in at I no longer want to be able but I din do it as I have been trying to get rid of my skin on my own

  13. I hope this retarded unevenly-squeezed orange you call president wont start a ww3, putting lives in danger. Voting isnt for everybody, clearly. If there'll ever be a ww3, I hope it will resume at putting trump and the other leader in a room and let them fking fight over their huge eggos and small dicks. He definitely wont go down in history as a good president, not even an "okay" one…

  14. Dear Mr. Colbert, If art is what immortalizes men, then you have already achieved it. Your shows and appearances will never grow old because of the level of how awesome they are.

  15. The 1400 law professors are AngloSaxon White Supremacists. Harvard Law is the only Law School and only for Americans. It is 3 classes. The Laws are read and understood and everyone has to get perfect 100% on the law exam. There is no political system legal in America. It is One Nation Under God.
    Queen of Canada and Royal Chieftain ofvIndians of America
    Natalie Helferty Supreme Court Justice of Canada and
    Supreme Court Justice of the United States of America
    Supreme Court Justice of the United Nations
    1988 All Ashed in My Courtroom in the Presence of
    God the Judge

  16. Goodnight Moon I wrote at age 7. It was for Dick Cheney and the Politicians as Congressmen in Washington DC. Natalie Helferty

  17. Dick Cheney was Evil. Sylvia Cheney admitted they were Evil. They and Donald Rumsfeld and George Bush would turn into puddles of goo in My Presence With God. That was in 1975.
    I was 7 years old in Windsor Ontario Canada across the border from Detroit Michigan USA. They were an 18 set. They were hitmen out to kill Me the Holy Grail. I am Natalie Helferty who is the Holy Grail in King James Bible. It tells the future since 1812.
    It is in Irish Catholic and Scottish Presbyterian Churches.
    King James is King of Canada created by God in 1795.
    He is Henry Fonda. He is shaped to be Henry Fonda as an Actor to do takedown of the English who were taking over America.
    All movies are history on film of the Royals of Jesus Christ.
    King George of Canada was created by God 100 years later like all Royalty is every 100 years. He was created by God in 1889.
    He is Peter Fonda. He is shaped mildly to be Peter Fonda looking a lot like himself from Joseph the King and Father of Jesus Christ. His films were the Wild West mainly that he had to take on the English as they attempted to move West to occupy California on the West Coast of America.
    I am Natalie Helferty the Queen from the Virgin Mary the Queen as Wife of King Joseph the parents of Jesus the Son of God created by a Holy Spirit. I am also from the Royal Chieftains of Indians of America. That is the Rouge Chief Beverly and the Humber Chief Hollywood. That is the East and West Rivers of Toronto Ontario Canada. I am Hollywood Royalty. I am Jane Fonda. I am shaped to be Jane Fonda to take on the War Criminals of World War Two and sometimes the leftover War Criminals of previous Wars. I am also the Singers who are the Dancers on Youtube. All the Famous Ones who are real Singers and not Fakers as Impersonators. I am the Singer Natalie Helferty who is the Mouseketeer of Disney when I was 7 years old in 1975. I am shaped to many different locations to Sing and also to Act as Funny and Witty is more than Kind of the Virgin Mary as I am also Mohawk as Toronto Native American Indian.
    Natalie Helferty in Hollywood North on My Land TORONTO.

  18. That guy by the piano is boring and annoying as fuck. They should make that unfortunate fellow shut up, or fire him, it would make this show much much better.

  19. How many times will Jeff sessions absolutely roasted by Stephen Colbert every time Jeff sessions gets insulted in a hilarious matter take a shot

  20. National champions? Surely on American standards, a competition played between only American colleges, that would make them WORLDS champions.
    After all, the NFL is a national competition, played between ONLY American teams, yet the winner of the competition is called WORLDS champion.
    So WORLDS champion means they are champions or more than one world? Next thing, and I know he would like it, tRump would be grand master of the universe.
    So for Americans…America IS NOT the world.

  21. I'm from India and it doesn't really matter to me who the president of America , but I owe trump , cause we have something to laugh about at the end of the day . I hope he is re elected . You guys totally deserve him .

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