If you’re in a bar, at a club and you order more than one Grey Goose, are you now ordering grey geeses? Forreal, like this- this bitch wouldn’t serve me last night. I was like yeah, let me get five grey gooses. Or it is geeses? Fuck it, give me a flock of Vodka. White people- they just don’t..they don’t understand shit like…like being late. When I was working on Tonight Show, I’ll show up late like “Damn, I’m sorry man. I got caught in traffic,” or whatever And they’ll be like, “That’s why you have to leave about 30 minutes earlier Deon, so you won’t get caught in traffic. That’s no excuse, it’s the same thing with me. I leave; I have traffic time. I add traffic time into my schedule, and that’s why I’m here early.” “Yo it was a fire on the freeway.” You should have put that in your schedule. I’m from Chicago, so it be weird being out here because some of the porn stars be coming to my show and I be like “Damn! That’s ol’ boy!” Or “That’s ol’ girl!” And shit like, This one porn star come to my show all the time. I don’t know if you know this dude; it’s a black dude. He go by the name of Wesley Pipes. Like that’s his porn name. Black, ball-head dude, Got a gun tattoo right here, but he be fucking women like crazy! But when he be fucking, like he be talking cash shit, but the shit he be saying be so funny, you can’t even jack off right cause you be too busy laughing at what he be saying and shit, you know. And he was doing it this one girl; he was like “Yeah you like all that thang in there, huh? Take all that thick ass thang in there.” “I know you like that thang, huh? You appreciate that thick thang in there, huh? Yeah make that thing disappear. Uhp! What you do with my thang bitch? Where my thang at?” I’m at home like “Who talks like this?” “I ain’t never said no shit like that.” “I kind of like that shit though, I think ima start talking like that.” He told this one girl, he was like “Yeah get in here and get this motherf****** hot dog.” Now what he did was, he took his balls and wrapped them over the top of his thang and made it look like a hot dog, like a sandwich or something. I was like, “He out of his rabbit ass mind doing that.” [Laughs] But I tried it. I just wanted to see if I had a hot dog or not. I didn’t, my shit was more like an egg McMuffin. I was like “Bitch, come get this breakfast. Most important meal of the day motherf*****.” I bumped into him on [clears throat] on Hollywood Boulevard. I didn’t even know it was him. I just bumped- I was like “Excuse me” and I looked and I was like [long gasp]. Wesley Pipes! But what was weird was he knew me. He was like “Dude you a comedian ain’t you?” I was like “Yeah.” He was like “Man you funny as shit, I got you on tape.” I was like “I got you on tape too.” Shook his hand; his hand was wet as shit. I was like “I hope he ain’t just get off work.” Women when y’all in the club…y’all all walk out in three’s and shit. The one at the end, that’s the one I want. The pretty one at the beginning, you be pulling her away from us. Just cause you got to go to the bathroom, you running- leading this train and shit. And the ugly one always dingling in the back like, Fucking tray hitting her in the face and shit. I be like “Come here,” and she be like “I caaan’t!” I be like “Don’t let that bitch block your blessings. I’m trying to put you at the front of the line mama.” [Laughs] I’m just serious. So I’ve been writing for Conan for about a year, but it’s been weird cause I’m like the only black writer there. You know, And, it’s kind of tripped out because any time the other writers have any black questions they think I got the answer for it and shit. Like we’ll be in a writer session, and this’ll be me right. And other writers’ll be like “Wow I just realized the rapper 50 Cent’s got shot nine times. I know that had to hurt.” Like motherf***** I ain’t never been shot, I don’t know. I live in Westwood, I have no idea what the fuck they doing in Compton. “We hear black cats are bad luck. I wonder do black cats go through more stuff than regular cats.” “I don’t know the struggle of a cat, Bitch. I don’t know cats’ Civil Rights. I don’t know motherf*****.” “Do all black men got big penises?” “Yes.” “I do know that.” Look at some of the women, “No they don’t.” [Laughs] Yes we do. Yo, I just found out something recently that women are fucking crazy. Just found that shit out, I did. No, I had this girl come over my house and uh It was like 4 in- Well she was there like at midnight, but it was like 4 in the morning I was being a gentleman like “It’s too late for her to drive Ima see if she wanna like you know just stay here So I was like “Yo you want to spend the night? I’ll just- I’ll get you a t-shirt or something.” And she was like “Oh you just trying to fuck ain’t you?” I’m like “Nah I ain’t trying to fuck.” She was like “Yes you are. I’m so sick of men playing me that way. I’m just sick of that shit, but tonight ima flip that shit. Ima treat you the way man treat women and shit. If you want to fuck let’s fuck.” Just push me on the bed and got on top of me and just started fucking me, and I was like, “I don’t want it like that” And she was like “Shut the fuck up” Just kept riding me and shit Then she was like “Now ima get ready to play PlayStation for two hours.” And just play… Then she was like “I’m getting ready to leave and I ain’t never coming back.” And I’m thinking to myself “This bitch don’t know how awesome this is right now.” I was like “You gon’ call me?” And she was like “Fuck you!” I was like “Ima marry this hoe right here.” Did y’all know a lot of black people talk white at work? Some of y’all best friends, y’all think that they talk like that all the time and they don’t. I’m serious. Y’all be at work over the uh, water cooler “Hey, James. How are you?” “Fuck I’m all right man, went out with my girl last night You know threw back a couple, you know- Went home, boned her, came back to work. And hey, it was a good night. All right, man talk to you later man. All right, later. Soon as they get in the car; I’ll pick em’ up. “What up, James?” He be like, “Woo! Them white motherf****** got me going crazy in that motherf*****.” Yeah…lot of people don’t know this about me, is that I can’t take a joke. Ain’t that weird, I’m a comedian. I don’t get no jokes. You tell me a joke I don’t get it. People tell me jokes all the time. They be telling me shit- they be, I be like this, “Well why they do that?” I don’t get no jokes. One time my friend called me up and asked me to help him with something, like I just didn’t get it. You know, he called me up. He was like, “Hey Deon, can you help me with something?” I’m like “Yeah, what’s up?”
He was like “Okay um… What has a little dick and hangs down?” I’m like “I don’t know.” He was like “A bat.” I was like “Oh, okay.” He was like “Now what has a big dick and hangs up?” I’m like “I don’t know.” Then he hung up the phone on me. I’m like “Damn, what happened to my signal and shit?” So I called him back I was like “Yeah, I don’t know what the fuck happened with this phone or whatever but uh… What was you saying? Say that shit again real quick?” He was like “What has a little dick and hangs down?” I’m like “A bat…” He was like “Now what has the big dick and hangs up?” I’m like “I don’t know.” Then he hung up again and shit. So now I’m outside doing these karate moves trying to find a frequency on my phone “Yeah it’s me again, I must be under some trees or something that’s fucking the signal up… But uh..little dick bat, I got that part. Now what’s after that?” This motherf***** hung up again and shit. I was like I hate AT&T. [Laughter] I ended up texting him. I was like [slowly] “What’s after the big dick?” He text me back “Click.” I was like “How you gon’ hang up on a text message, motherf*****?” I was at Montreal recently man, I did a show up there and shit and uh… It’s comedy festival. Yeah. It was crazy, but It was me and all these New York like comics and shit, like Italian comics and we was all sitting in the back Just chillin watching these comics and um… It was this gay comic that went on and this motherf***** was hilarious! but these Italian motherf****** would not laugh at that shit. And I just kept cracking up. To the point where I ain’t even want to laugh no more cause I don’t want them thinking I was gay or something. [Laughs] Like he said something, I was like this [Uncontrollably laughs, but then forces himself to stop] They like “You over here fucking relating to him, huh?” “Like it’s funny though, Bruno.” Cranberry Grey Goose and cranberry juice, That’s like- that’s my shit cause you were able to get fucked up and clean your system out at the same time and shit You know…I like to stay even when I get fucked up, you know? Like I found out fish’s brain food, it enhances your brain cells and that’s good to know cause like weed kill your brain cells. So if I eat some fish after every joint… I should be even than a motherf***** right? I might just start smoking fish… Cut the middleman out.