Laughter is the Best Medicine

Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier (Whole Show)

Once upon a time in a far away land there was a magic kingdom that prospered through its commitment to two simple ideals: duty and devotion – the two D’s. For many years, the kingdom stood as a shining beacon for artisans, craftsmen, and storytellers who all flocked to the land with a dream to uphold the sacred two D’s. Through their hard work, a glorious golden age came to the kingdom *gasp* followed by a second, even greater than the first. Then came the dark times. The kingdom fell into the hands of an evil sultan and through his negligence, the kingdom fell to ruin. *sigh* The happiest place on Earth became da crappiest place on Earfff. Despite the efforts of one man A man with a dream to restore the kingdom to its former glory and to bring about the prophesied third Golden Age. A misunderstood man. This is his story – the untold story of a royal vizier! I look around the kingdom and see the desperation and the devastation that persists no matter what I do. But today could be the day I finally make a difference and all the grateful citizens will say to me – Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you, Ja’far Oh, good morning, baker! Where are you off to today, you no good piece of shit? *squawk* Piece of shit! What did you just call me, you bastard?! No, friend! I said nothing! That was my bird! He has the ability to repeat words that others have spoken. Hm. Well, in that case, maybe you should teach him these words: Fuck you, Ja’far. Marie! The baguettes! Hurry up! Why don’t we have enough to eat? Why are we dying in the street? Why does my baby always cry? Why did my mommy have to die? Mine too! Mine too! Mine too! Mine too! Mine too! The answer here is crystal clear: Ja’far, that ugly old vizier! He’s the reason for our many woes! Though we’re upset, we shouldn’t fret We mustn’t let ourselves forget the saying every child raised within the kingdom knows – You’ve got to dream a little harder. When life won’t go your way, simply dream a little harder. Trust me when I say that when you dream a little harder, you’re sure to follow through. ‘Cause if you’re good and you’re attractive, no need to be proactive. Good things will just happen to you! I’ve come to return the book I borrowed! Oh, Ja’far. It took you long enough, you shit eating dog. But I couldn’t put it down. It’s one of my favorites. The story of a misunderstood witch who’s really not wicked at all – she’s just green. But she still gets blamed for all the kingdom’s problems. Oh, so you think you’re better than me just ’cause you can read? Well, get out of my bookstore! We don’t like your kind in here anyway! What about the book? Keep it. And may the rats ejaculate upon you! Thank you! Why is the kingdom plagued by theft? Why are there no more good jobs left? Why does the sun go down at night? Why is everyone in the kingdom white? Um, Jafar? Jafar! Jafar!! Jafar!!! No man who’s just could ever trust a face that triggers such disgust. His twisted features give me such a chill *shudder* So let us pray that one fine day that evil man will go away ’cause if we want it bad enough, he will! For if you dream a little harder, you’ll get what you desire. Dream a little harder when things are looking dire. If you dream a little harder, success is guaranteed! If you are sure of your intention, some magic intervention will give you the answers you need Oh! Pardon me, ma’am! Oh, that’s alright. Just try to keep your fat face out of that motherfucking book! I know that I’m no prize. I’m not so easy on the eyes. I can’t rely on looks to get me by. But ugliness permits a man to use his wits ’cause pretty people never have to try. I hear the people whisper as I walk about the streets, I know they call me Ugly Old Ja’far! What I call planning, they call scheming, What I call delusion, they call dreaming! Why am I the only one who sees things as they are? I need six eggs! Why not buy some? I want to fly! That’s unrealistic! I want to be a cat! What? Fuck you! Whistle while you swallow a spoonful of sugar, and your dreams will come true upon a star! Dream hard enough my friends, Ja’far will meet a violent end! He could be skewered by a sailing ship Or hanged in tangled jungle vines! or eaten by hyenas! Or he’ll plummet to his death, from a castle A clock! Or a cliff! And if, we dream a little harder Our patience and our honor will rid us of that ugly old Ja’far! Wonderful! That was wonderful! Bird, sometimes I feel as if you’re my only friend in this world! *squawk* Fuck you! Right. My book! It’s covered in mud! Oh no, wait is that shit?! That smell is me, Ja’far. You would not believe the morning I’ve had. Why is my captain of the royal guard covered in shit? Well, my men and I just jumped from a window and into a cart of Crazy Hakim’s discount fertilizer Why? We were chasing a man, no, a devil. A thief who everyday robs from the common folk. Bread, laundry off of clotheslines, and even watermelons. We try to catch him, but he’s always just one jump ahead. Today, things got a little out of hand and a lot of good people are dead. Explain! Well, the sword swallower slit his throat from the inside, and the thief’s pet monkey ripped the sword right out of it, You know the guy that sleeps on the bed of nails? Yes! A fat guard fell on him. Now he’s dead! Then, when we fell from the window and into the cart of manure, Ichabal snapped his neck on impact, two more choked on shit, All this for a loaf of bread. Abdul you’re alive?! I thought you choked on shit! Did we get the loaf of bread back? Oh no, I’m sorry the thief got away with- Yes, yes, Abdul, we got the bread back. Praise Allah. This is all your fault, Ja’far. My fault? How is this my fault and not that thief’s? There wouldn’t be any thieves if you fixed the socio-economic inequality like you promised! Why do you even bother visiting us commoners anymore, you aristocat? Well, there’s a very important prince coming into town today from one of our vassal kingdoms: The land of Pixar! I’ve come to welcome him personally. Another suitor for the Princess? Oh if only, Captain. He’s here because the trade agreement between his kingdom and ours has expired. And I’ve got to extend the contract or our kingdom is doomed. And that’s why I’ve pulled out all the stops to make this prince’s visit a happy one! We’ve arranged a character breakfast with our Princess given him a two day park-hopper pass, and a lanyard for souvenir pin collecting. Everyone must treat this prince with the utmost respect. I saw that very prince riding by on his horse earlier. Oh! He was being accosted by the same thief we just spoke of. What? The street rat threw a whip in his face. He told him that he’d never seen a horse with two rear ends. Now I’m not sure if the thief meant that the prince had a big horsey ass or a horse ass for a face. Either way, everyone laughed and the prince was furious. I’d better go back to the palace and make sure his breakfast with the princess goes well. But Ja’far, isn’t she known to sicc tigers on visiting princes? Oh shit. You’re right. I sure hope you haven’t goofed this one up, Ja’far. No no! I haven’t. Why don’t you go apprehend the thief? What’s his name? There are whispers, rumors only. They say he’s called Aladdin. Then we must find this one. This “Laddin” Tsk tsk tsk. Look at this mess. Dead bodies in the street. The state of this kingdom. It’s no place to raise a monkey! C’mon Monkey don’t be scared! Yeah! It’s just a dead body! You can have fun with ’em! Look, you can kick ’em, YOU can eat ’em. *Ahh!* And most importantly, you get to loot ’em. Ahh there it is. Look at that. Hey! That looks enough like you. That’ll get you into bars. Those guards should’ve just let me take this bread. Don’t they get it? I’m not a bad guy. *Monkey disagrees* I steal only what I can’t afford. And that’s everything. Want food but got no money I’m screwed or so it would seem that’s why I came up with this brilliant scheme; Just steal everything! Alright monkey let’s feast! Ya! Ya! *spits* Ugh. Raisins? I hate raisins! Oh! Hey little orphan kids! You guys hungry? Want some bread? We do sir. Fetch ya fucks! For real I’m not that picky, I’ll steal whatever’s in sight dont’ judge ’cause you don’t understand my plight! Hey my crutch! Take that loser! I steal everything *laughs* Bread! Bread for sale! Very reasonably priced for these hard times! Ah! Hey there friend-o! Not you again! Please you just stole a loaf of bread from me this morning! Yeah, you got to stop putting raisins in it man! I hate raisins! I was talking to monkey about it, and he thinks we should just kill you *growls* But I was like, “No, monkey, that’s crazy!” But now I’m kinda thinking, “Yeah” No more fucking raisins. No! Please! I’ll bring you some more bread tomorrow, with no raisins. Ohho you’re the best! I’m gonna tell all my thief friends about you! But you owe me one. Did you know in this barbaric country, they only give you money if you work? Thanks but no thanks “the Man” I’ll keep stealing all I can instead of being a fascist, yuppie jerk! Hippie! Fucker! Slacker! Sucker! Who would seek employment when life offers such enjoyment? Anything I get, I can get for free, As far as the economy’s shit so I make haste when making exits, get chased by a murderous mob, Hey man, still beats gettin’ a job! Am I right?! Oh! Getting into trouble a little early today, aren’t we Aladdin? Pfft! You’re only in trouble if you get caught. Aladdin? Oh I’m in trouble! After that night we spent together, my belly grows big with child! And my father says that, you must marry me, or I’ll bring dishonor to my entire family! Whoa whoa whoa whoa! I can’t give up on my dreams and settle down just because your dad’s being a dick! Besides, if I do marry, I want it to be for love. Oh Aladdin, I understand. I knew you would. You’re such a special girl, Jezebel. Who’s Jezebel?!? Uh-oh! Busted! Yoink! Asshole! Oh wow! Douchebag! Hey now! Just one question, why man? ‘Cause you stole my daughter’s hymen! That’s completely fair, but in my defense dude, your daughter’s hot. Yeah! I feel that it’s my duty to steal, ’cause stealing’s an art. I’ll steal clothing and shelter, whatever I lack candy from babies, the shirt off your back, credit, identities, thunder, and scenes intellectual property, whatever that means! And if you look closer, this poor little orphan will steal your heart! Right. It’s imperative that this prince’s visit is a happy one! And who knows? Maybe he and the Princess will hit it off? Good luck marrying her off! Prince Achmed! Your excellency! Is this how your kingdom treats its guests, Ja’far? Take a look at this! Tell me, what do you see? Your heart boxer shorts, my liege. What else? Your ass cheeks, my lord. My ass cheeks. They’re hanging out. And what’s this? Blood. Blood on my ass cheeks! Tell me, Ja’far. How the fuck did it get there? Is it because- It is because your Princess just sicced a Bengal tiger upon my ass! I am lucky that it is so pert and small. Well, I am grateful for your tiny ass, my lord. I cannot believe she thought she could feed a prince to a Bengal tiger and that there would be no political consequences! This really is an act of war, Ja’far! And she treated it as if it were a throwaway joke! As if I were some silly side character here only to illustrate her reluctance to get married! No! Well, not only am I the ruler of a sovereign nation, but I have feelings too. And people who care about me. You must forgive our Princess, she is youthful but well meaning. Ha! Do not feed me a shit and call it couscous, Ja’far. This is yet another insult that your kingdom has heaped upon mine! But you can no longer afford such hubris. Consider your kingdom’s greatest exports over the last ten years: toys, exotic fish, trash compacting robots, and other such “Incredibles”. All produced, not by your kingdom, but by mine. Yes, you produce the goods, and we distribute them! You take the credit for them! We share the credit! Well, perhaps we don’t want to share the credit any longer! I had considered extending our alliance, but now–because of your Princess–that is completely out of the question. The next time I return to this so called “Magic Kingdom” it will not be with a lanyard or a two day park hopping pass, but with an army! Ja’far, prepare for war! No, Achmed, wait- No! Nobody makes an ass of Prince Achmed! Damn that girl! Oh Princess, you’ve got some ‘splainin to do! Oh no! The Indian Swallowtails, they’ve escaped! No! I set them free! But those birds were imported from a foreign land! They can’t survive here, the hawks will have them within the hour! Well an hour free is better than a lifetime in a cage. Being fed, and pampered, and cleaned up after! What kind of a life is that? Princess, when are you going to learn that your actions have consequences? That prince you just sicced a tiger on has threatened our kingdom with war! Oh it’s not a big deal. He was such a joke! Just like every other swaggering peacock I’ve met. But not all of your suitors have deserved a tiger set upon them. What about that first prince? He was a charming fellow. I heard he once made out with a girl while she was blacked out. That’s not charming. That’s kinda rapey. Well, what about Prince Eric, the seafaring floutist? He fucked a fish! He did not fuck a fish! He wanted to fuck a fish! Oh predator, fish fucker, will anyone ever live up to your impossible standards? You know you’re going to have to get married one of these days, Never! Marriage is a medieval construct that represents the ownership of women. It’s like slavery. GRAPES! Besides, if I do marry, I want it to be for love. One of these days, you’re going to learn that life isn’t about dreams coming true It’s a series of compromises and disappointments. I was hoping that Prince Achmed could fix our kingdom’s problems, but now we are worse off than ever, and I’ve got to find a way to clean up your mess! But- you- AUUGGH! Being a princess is so stifling. I’m suffocating in this palace. Fan, Princess? Now I’m kind of chilly. Shroud of silk, my lady? I can’t wear this! Did you know that they make these things in sweatshops? Where have you been? Spinning silk in your private sweatshop, mistress. You actually work in one of those? Yes. That’s supporting a corrupt system. You’re a part of the problem. Yes, Princess! Am I the only one who wants more out of life? I just want to be free so badly! You slaves could never understand this feeling. Yes, Princess! I’m the most powerful girl in the land, with a wave of my hand I can give a command. But it’s just like “whatever” ’cause they don’t understand. Look at my life from the outside and sure, I’ve got servants, and tigers, and stuff. You’re probably thinking, “She’s got everything.” Well it’s true, ’cause I do. But so the fuck what? It’s not enough! I want a life of adventure, with no orders I have to obey, And dangers galore, long as I can be sure that I’m safe and secure at the end of the day. I’ve got to escape from this palace, for a life where I’ll truly be free I’ll go live somewhere new, just as big with a view and a few dozen servants attending to me! That’s all I’m asking for I just want everything and more! I want the moon! I want to live on the moon! And eat it in a pie, and keep it as a pet, and wear it like a gemstone in my hair! And someday soon, the people who say I’m just dreaming, like Father and Ja’far will see how wrong they are as I laugh in their faces through mouthfuls of moonbeam pie! I want to make my own choices. I mean please is that so much to ask? But decisions are hard and I’m being bombarded. Why can’t somebody help with this arduous task? The life of a princess is fraught with complication. It’s enough to make me wish I were lowly and poor. But like…with money. What I wouldn’t give to live in a new situation. Each slave and guard makes life so hard. ‘Cause I’m always barred from having Everything and more! All right, team! We’ve got to brainstorm; we could be facing war! Team? Hello? Hey, Ja’far. Captain, where is my team? My assistant viziers? My Think Tank that share my commitment to duty and devotion? Has my whole 2D department gone missing? Oh. You haven’t heard. Heard what? Bad news, Ja’far. The order’s already been carried out. By royal decree of the Sultan and his executive branch, the entire 2D department is to be disbanded. All 150 of it’s members are to be sacked! Mmhmm. We put them in burlap sacks and beat them until they were dead. But those were men and women of talent and quality! All those masters of craftsmanship just thrown right out the window. Out of the highest window of the Western tower. But how could the Sultan do this?!? Don’t blame the Sultan, Ja’far. This is all your fault! You didn’t have the 2D department producing anything of value. Well yes I know. Well, see ya. To think our kingdom was once a pioneer of art and culture, and technology. How did it come to this? HOW DID IT COME TO THIS?!? AHHH! Damn! Oh. Wait. It can’t be. The necklace. I haven’t seen this in years. Sands of time, take me back before it all went wrong, when love was but a song and tomorrow shone as brightly as the sun. Teach me to undo what’s done. Sands of time, take me back. Sugar dates! Sugar dates and figs! Sugar dates and pistachios! Bread! Necklace? Fish, we catch ’em you buy ’em! Salaam, friends! And praise Allah for this blessed day! Salaam, Ja’far! And praise Allah for you, Ja’far. Today’s the day, isn’t it? The day the palace finally gets a good and honest man on payroll. Assistant vizier to the Sultan. Oh you’ll straighten out those crooked politicians. I’m sure of it! Oh now now Bewar. I’m sure the higher ups in the palace are doing their very best they just need someone with strong resolve to keep them on that straight and narrow! Well, I suppose you’re right, Ja’far. But how do you do it? How is it that you are so good to everyone you meet? Oh my secret is simple really. Anyone can do it! I just follow the Golden Rule. And what rule is that, Ja’far? Why it’s as easy as a 1..2..3..4, Follow the Golden Rule, for life’s a two-way street. Keep that in mind, and you’ll be kind to everyone you meet! Follow the Golden Rule. It isn’t hard to do. Always treat others like sisters and brothers, and they’ll do the same for you! Before you harm your fellow man, ask this question first. How would you wish that he treat you, if your fortunes were reversed? Follow the Golden Rule. That’s how I choose to live. Simple reciprocity is always my philosophy. I get back what I give! Stop, thief! But, sir! I’m starving! Do you know what the penalty is for stealing? Stop your hand right there, friend! Omar, what’s going on here? This boy has robbed me! So you’d take the law into your own hands? It is my right! Ja’far! But IS it right? Before you harm your fellow man, ask this question first, How would you wish that he treat you if your fortunes were reversed? Why take this boy’s hand when you could just as easily put it to work? Give him a job ‘eh? And you boy, don’t you see that if everyone were to steal from Omar’s cart, that he would be the one who was starving? (Follow the Golden Rule!) My hunger blinded me and forced me to act like an animal. (Follow the Golden Rule!) We’re not animals. We’re gifted! With minds to reason and hearts to love! (Follow the Golden Rule!) So what do you say? Can you two work together? Follow the Golden Rule for life’s a two way street. Keep that in mind And you’ll be kind to everyone you meet! Follow the Golden Rule! (Follow the Golden Rule!) It isn’t hard to do! (It’s very easy!) Always treat others like sisters and brothers and they’ll do the same for Follow the Golden Rule! (They’ll do it for you!) Follow the Golden Rule! (They’ll do it for you!) Follow the Golden Rule! (They’ll do it for you!) Follow the Golden Rule! (They’ll do it for you!) I think that’s about enough fun for one day, huh friends? I’d better be off to the palace! Good luck, Ja’far! And remember… Follow the Golden Rule! That’s how we choose to live. Simple reciprocity is always our philosophy. I get back what I give! We get what we give! That’s it! I get back what I give! Follow the Golden, follow the Golden, Follow… The… Gold..en Oh! Oh! Excuse me sir! Whaaaaaaaaaat? Who dares enter the royal palace and disturb the royal vizier as he rests in his royal chambers of the royal palace? You! Who are you? Me, sir? My name is Ja’far, sir. Ah-ha-ha. Yes. The new assistant vizier. The coffee fetcher. Well, I intend to do a little more than that my friends. And I know it’s my first day, but if you’ll spare me some patience, I’ve prepared a list of reforms the city is in desperate need of. It’s going to take a lot of hard work, and a little bit of elbow grease, but I believe that if we just follow the Golden Rule, that we can all create a whole new world, for you and me! And most importantly, the great people of this kingdom! *Rising evil laughter* Are you finished? Listen, boy, You speak of a Golden Rule. We have our own Golden Rule here. Whoever has the gold MAKES the rules. What? I follow the Golden Rule. How can a man resist When the gold in his hand lets him rule the land WITH an iron fist? I follow the Golden Rule. It’s either them or me. The gold that my neighbor earns from his labor is gold I’ll never see. Who has the gold makes all the rules, so he wins the game and then the prize for winning MORE GOLD HAHA! And the game begins again! Follow the Golden Rule Oh don’t be such a fool! Damn your stupid charity, we chase our own prosperity, we follow the gold, follow the gold, follow the gold, follow the gold, follow the gold, And rule! And rule! And rule! And rule. So. Just keep your mouth shut and your palm open and you may just get filthy, stinking RICH! Come gentlemen, to the opium den. Oh what is this palace life? *Sword slashing* Aaahh! That’ll teach you to sneer at a nobleman! My dear girl! What’s been done to you? Somebody cut off my ear, because they didn’t like my face. But that’s barbaric! Hey it’s home. Well, worry not, Miss. I am a studied healer. I may not be able to save the ear, but I can stay the bleeding. It would help if we kept you talking. You could start by telling me your name. My name is Sherrezade. I suppose this will be the end of me. I’m here only for my beauty, and now that’s gone. Sherrezade, true beauty lies within, but no scratch could tarnish your heavenly glow. Your words are like honey, young master. Oh Ja’far, and I am master to no man nor woman. I am a servant to the people and therefore your servant. Tell me, what is it that you do in the palace? I entertain nobles with singing, and dancing, and stories. Stories? What kind of stories? Oh, of anything you can imagine. Tell me, have you ever heard the tale of the Tiger Head Cave? Filled with wonders beyond your wildest dreams. A forbidden treasure, A rug possessed with the soul of a lecherous thief? And perhaps the greatest treasure of them all: a common oil lamp. What? Oh but do not be fooled by its commonplace appearance; this is no ordinary lamp. It is the prison of a Djinn. A shapeshifter who will grant your every wish. He’s also really funny. There we are, keep the bandages tight lest the wound become gangrenous. By Allah! Are you a sorcerer? No no! Sorcery is a craft for fools and dreamers. I am a man of science. I believe only in what I can touch and feel. This cave you speak of, I can assure you it doesn’t exist. I would know because I apprenticed a geographer. Well you’ve just never seen it. Because the cave remains hidden to all but those who possess the key. Here. Look. A beautiful pendant. A golden scarab if I’m not mistaken. Half a scarab. Half the key. It is said that the cave was sealed by two lovers who were then transformed into one golden scarab. The cave will only reopen when the two halves become one, and the lovers are united once more. That’s beautiful. So you see, you say you only believe what you can touch and feel. Magic does nothing if not touch the soul. There’s no greater feeling than that. Wise words. Perhaps you’re right. Oh! Sorry. Perhaps I have been touched! Pardon. You know many stories do you? I know a thousand tales, to fill a thousand nights, but now another story comes to mind. A noble young vizier ascends to wondrous heights, he’s brilliant as he’s handsome, and handsome as he’s kind. He is at once familiar and unknowable to the frightened girl he meets along the way, and to the girl’s surprise, something in his eyes, beckons her to know him and inspires her to say: I want to know your story. I want to know your past, so tell me slowly from the start. Leave out no detail. Savor every part. I want to know your story, so make the story last. I want to know each twist and turn. Tell me all I’ve missed. I’ve so much to learn! For when it comes to stories, I thought I knew them all. But now I’m face to face with one I can’t seem to recall. The young Vizier had come to help inspire change, but fate had planned an unexpected twist. Within the palace walls he discovered something strange and found the missing part of him he didn’t know he missed. She is at once a comfort and a mystery to the callow man she meets that fateful day. She’s beautiful and wise, and something in her eyes, beckons him to know her and inspires him to say: I want to know your story. I want to know your past. I want to know your future too. Fill my days and nights with the tale of you! I want to know your story (Want to know your story) So make the story last and (Make the story) Together: Linger over every part. Tell it till I know every bit by heart! I never cared for stories until you entered mine. Now my only wish is that our plots may intertwine. I forget what happens next. I’m not sure I understand. Remind me how she answers when he asks her for her hand! Ahh! Took ya long enough! A thousand and one nights with you is not enough to spend, So let’s make ours the story with no end, So let’s make ours a story with no end! Honey I’m home! Ah! Damn that Royal Vizier! The common man is starving and he feasts like a self styled god! My land reform bill will never pass! They refused you again? I work with the most selfish, corrupt, incompetent old men! Their mouths aren’t fit to hold a donkey’s shit. If I could just speak with the Sultan, if for a minute I could have his ear! As that nobleman took my ear? Sherrezade, you jest! I’m only joking, Ja’far. Now that I have you smiling, I think I’ll give you a gift. A gift for me? What is it? *Baby bird noises* Oh what a handsome bird that is! *squawk* Handsome bird! Oh it speaks our words! I saw him in the marketplace and I knew he would delight you. What else does he say? Anything you teach him. *squawk* Donkey shit! Oh! Those harsh words are mine, aren’t they? You clever girl! Always finding new ways to keep me honest! It’ll be good for us to have something to love and care for. It can be practice for us. What are you saying? Have all of our attempts finally bore fruit, even when the doctors said it could not be so?!? Oh praise Allah the merciful and compassionate! Assistant vizier Ja’far! News from the palace! Your request for a hearing with the Sultan has been granted. You are to report to the palace immediately! Did you hear that my darling? My land reform bill being heard by the Sultan on this of all days! We are blessed, Ja’far! Come with me to the palace! And let us never be parted again! A thousand and one lifetimes is not enough to spend, so let’s make ours the story with no end. So let’s make ours the story with no end. BEHOLD! Behold! Behold! The representative of Allah on earth. Father of the country. Shepherd of the people. Sovereign of the land. He of the two legs. BEHOLD! The son of Osiris and Borator. The divine ruler. BEHOLD! The royal Sultan. Sherrezade, they say he has a golden tongue. I never thought I’d see this day. What do you think he’ll say to us? What wisdom will he impart? SILENCE! The Sultan shall now speak in his holy voice. *cough* Many years ago, I took my finger, and I pushed in my penis. And it hasn’t come out since. I will now hear from the court. A very wise and enthralling tale my lord. We can all learn a lesson from it, I expect. Where’s my opium? I must have wine, sweetmeats, and cheeses. At once my lord. And now my lowly and unworthy assistant vizier presents some issue or other for your holy consideration. Speak now, Ja’far! And don’t fuck it up! Greetings your highness. It is I, Ja’far. I humbly prostrate myself to you and offer up this bill of land reform. It is essential to our way of life. Ooo! Who are you? Oh! Me sir? I’m Ja’far. As I said– No not you, you jabbering ape. Her. Oh, this is my wife. It is an honor to be in your presence great Sultan. Hm. She’s my wife now. I must have her for my harem. What? She makes my withered loins feel life again! Very good, my lord! She will be yours at once. No she’s my wife damn it! Do you speak against your Sultan? Against your king? On your knees, boy! What? No! Ja’far! No! This woman will be bathed and shaved and brought to your harem at once my lord. Sherrezade! NOO! I can’t let this happen! He’s stealing you from me, he’s a thief! I won’t let you go! But you must, Ja’far! The Sultan wishes it and it is our purpose to serve him. Well, maybe I have a new purpose now. The city needs you. You are going to be a great vizier someday. That is what your story is about. I wish I had the power to rewrite this tale! Never stop wishing it, Ja’far. Here. Take this. A pendant? You remember the two lovers? The key to the Tiger Head Cave! We will be reunited one day, and unlock wonders beyond your wildest dreams! First I lost her to the Sultan. Then I lost her to heaven. I thought that if I just did my duty I could get her back! Now I am royal vizier. And powerless to save her, or our city. Unless… The cave. The lamp. The wish granting Djinn! If I believed in wishes, as silly as it seems, I’d find that hidden cave, turn back the sands of time and save you! If I believed in dreams, If I believed in magic, If I believed in good, I’d be the best vizier, I’d make our troubles disappear, if I believed I could. But wishes are dreams, and dreams are pretend, so science and reason win out in the end! Science says you’re dead and gone forever, reason says I’m talking to the air, but something in my heart, some secret hidden part, illogically insists that you are there somewhere! If I believed in wishes, if I can find the key, perhaps it’s not too late to change the course of fate, ’cause after all, I must be pretty great, if you believed in me! Ja’far! What is it, Captain? Can’t you see I’m busy? Bad news. It’s the Princess. We’ve checked everywhere but she’s nowhere to be found. It appears she’s run away. All her talk of freedom! I should’ve seen this coming! I agree. This is all your fault, Ja’far! Don’t just stand there! Go out and find her. Leave no stone unturned. I have an errand I must attend to. Oh Princess. You poor naive girl! I only hope you haven’t fallen prey to some sex crazed ruffian! Right this way, babe. I want to thank you again for saving me back at the marketplace. I can’t believe that man wanted to reprimand me just for taking some of his apples! Yeah, those merchants are real dicks about that kind of stuff. It’s like, is he really going to eat all those apples? And did you know the ones he doesn’t eat, he’s trying to sell? For money? So greedy. Oh but you’re so generous. Sticking your neck out for a girl you just met, while expecting absolutely nothing in return. And then insisting that I stay with you tonight! No prob. I do it all the time. Wow. You live here? Eh, I’m squattin’ here. It’s beautiful. Yeah, it’s kind of a mess right now. It’s hard to keep a big place like this clean. Well don’t you have someone to clean it for you? Like a slave? Well, I’ve got this monkey, but uh, he only cleans his side of the room, leaves the shower curtain open all the time, and he hasn’t even started work on our screenplay. Unbelievable. This is so unfair! Poor people need slaves just as much as rich people do! Maybe even a little bit more. And do you know what the really sad part is? The people in power are doing absolutely nothing to change that! Change scares old people. Yeah! Grownups just don’t get us, you know? It’s like, you’re 16, And I’m… Yeah. Wow. I’m only 33. I think I’ve seen it all, but I forget how young I am sometimes. I love how raw this conversation is. You are so mature! And deep! Of course it’s a free thinker like you who’s struggling to get by! And all because of our totally corrupt class system. I hate the class system. That’s why I said, “Fuck it, I’m never going to school again.” So, you abandoned everything, to be free? That is so brave. Brave? Me? Yeah. But I was kinda forced into it. I had to grow up fast. My life has just been, so hard. I know you think I’m this perfect guy, but there’s something I have to confess, I only hope it doesn’t make you like me any less, I’ve got this tragic backstory that’s driven other girls away, but I feel like I can trust you, you won’t judge me for what I say. The others couldn’t handle it, ’cause my story’s just too sad, But here I go, you oughta know, I have no Mom or Dad. They died. Earlier this year. Now I’m an orphan. All my parents ever did was support me. Give me a place to stay, tell me they loved me, no matter what. They were really bad parents. How’s a 33 year old kid supposed to know how to survive on his own? You have no idea what it’s been like. I have no one to bake me bread. No one to make my bed. No one to teach me the difference between right and wrong. Or to sing me a song I long to be as strong as I used to be. But I was orphaned at 33. Aladdin, I’m so sorry I didn’t know! I’ve got no one to hold me tight, no one to kiss me goodnight. No one to press their breasts up against me and say, “It’ll all be ok” But hey, That’s just the way life is for me. Since I was orphaned at 33. They call me a jerkoff, a burnout, a punk! But I can’t let that junk in my head! I could’ve been a contender if not for the fact that my parents are dead. All things considered I think I turned out pretty good! Pulled myself up by my bootstraps and started stealing all I could! Still there’s no one to love me now, but I’ll make it through somehow. Despite being so sadly and crushingly all alone. But I make a solemn vow, that when I have kids of my own I’ll break the chain. You’ll see. I’m gonna live forever! So they’ll never know the pain of being orphaned at 33. Do you believe in love at first sight? Absolutely. I’ve experienced it. Many, many times. Oh Aladdin! There you are! They’re after me! They’re after you? There she is, guys! Get her, right there! Got him! Come on. Princess. I’m so glad we found you before this criminal was able to- Give me my first kiss? And you- No high five. And you ruined it! Now let him go. I cannot. This man must face trial for his crimes. But that is NOT FAIR! He’s a victim of circumstance! Victim? Tell that to Bufool’s twin brother Abdul! He was the victim. Well, unlike Aladdin, he probably had a family who loved him. Yes. Exactly. This man must face the due punishment for all murdering thieves, beheading. AWH! Don’t look at me like that! These are my orders from Ja’far. This is all his fault. Ja’far is a MONSTER! You are late. A thousand apologies, oh patient one. You have it then? I had to slit a few throats, but I got it. Oh Yes. Yes! The other half of the golden scarab! Now I can finally find the entrance to the Tiger Head Cave! Wait wait, what? You slit people’s throats? I didn’t tell you to kill anyone! This is awful! Ja’far. No. That is just an expression. What? Yeah! It means I got a killer deal at the marketplace! Slit, kill a deal- Oh! So you bought it off a merchant then? Yeah, yeah. A real shrewd businessman too. But I was not intimidated. No. I walk right into his shop, and I fucked his puppy. What?!? Hahaha! Ja’far! That is another common expression! It means that I put that merchant in his place as if he were a defenseless little puppy. Oh! Colorful expressions in the marketplace these days. You know, Ja’far, you need to learn to relax. Not take everything so serious man. Well I beg your pardon. You’ve done an excellent job, here is your payment. Ah thank you. Mm! It went great! Until that merchant realized how bad I screwed him on the price. Man. Did he ever chop my dick off. Hahaha! He chopped your dick off! That’s a good- What the fuck are you laughing at? Wha-? You think that’s funny, Ja’far? Maybe you like to have a look at my dick you son of a- AAAAHHH! Asshole! We’ve got a kingdom to save and a lamp to find. The Tiger Head Cave is said to be a treacherous place. But no matter, I know just the able bodied soul I can risk in good conscience. So let me get this straight. You busted me out of jail so I could go to a cave filled with mountains of gold, and the only thing you want is a crummy old lamp? Precisely. The rest of the treasure is yours. But the lamp is mine. I love you, man! I’m gonna have so much gold! I could swim through it, like a pool. Do you think people can really do that? No. But once you have all that money you can finally leave your life of crime behind, run away and never return. I’m totally gonna do that. I just gotta do this one thing first. What thing would that be? Well, this thing, is a girl. What? Yeah. Shes got these eyes that just- And her butt wow! And her totties! She’s just, she’s just so- Beautiful? Fuckable! But she’s the Princess. To even stand a chance I’d have to have enough money to like, hire an army of assassins to kill the royal vizier and all the palace guards. Then I can sneak in and you know, pork her. ‘Cause dude, once I get my mind set on a chick, I just can’t move on until I get this nut out. Well first you must escape the Tiger Head Cave with your life. THEN you can get your nut out. Your eternal nut out. Nice. So where is this place anyway? I don’t know. Yet. Oh it worked! It worked! Follow that trail! I’ll be treated like a hero all the citizens adore, they’ll throw a parade in my honor with peacocks and monkeys galore. The people will cheer for the royal vizier, for answering duty’s call. Not that I care for glory. I just want a story with a happy ending for all! I can’t wait to be a rich dude, because I’ve heard it told, that stealing is so much easier when you’ve already got tons of gold! But I’ve got my eye on what money can’t buy, ’cause that Princess is ooh hella tight. I’ll be the one who plunders her cave of wonders, get a happy ending tonight! My innocent Aladdin, please darling don’t be dead. It puts a damper on our love if you don’t have a head! I wish that you could fly away, escape somehow and soar, and take me to a world where we’ll have everything and more! Oh there it is! The entrance to the Tiger Head Cave! Go on! And one day the genie will say to me, “Ja’far, you’re a man of such virtue. I hate to see how your loneliness and your memories hurt you. Shouldn’t a man who’s so noble, and who’s influence is so global, have someone by his side? I know what you’re wishin’, so with your permission, I’d like to bring back your bride.” And with my wife beside me, my failures will be absolved. The world will be a paradise with all its problems solved. We’ll retire to some far off place, and share an itty bitty living space, a humble yet cozy abode. Where we can write our own happy ending! / I want everything and more! / I steal everything! We’ll get our happy ending! Meaning everything! And that happy ending starts / I want everything / I’ll steal everything Tonight! Whoo-hoo! What happened? Dude! I was swimming through this pile of gold in there right? When it all turned into lava! I’m so lucky I escaped on this flying carpet! Did you get the lamp? Well I got A lamp. Oh wonderful boy! Toss it here! Not so fast. You said you wanted a common oil lamp. Yes. Of absolutely no value. Precisely, that’s the one! No. This couldn’t be it. ‘Cause this lamp has a magic Djinn inside. He came out for a bit, and he’s really funny! Oh I’m sorry I knew about the Djinn, I’m sorry that I deceived you. I just needed it to save the kingdom! Well you lied dude! All that other treasure was just lava in disguise! So I’m stealing this thing! Aladdin one, old fart zippo! See ya! No. NOO!! Soldiers! Armies of Pixar! My faithful legions! Your prince has returned! Prince Achmed there you are! We’d almost forgotten about you. We weren’t sure if you were ever coming back my prince. Of course I came back! Why wouldn’t I? Men! You would not believe the disrespect that I was shown on my journey to the Magic Kingdom. But I come to you with proof of the crimes done against me! Everyone, look at my ass! *Gasps* Tell me, what do you see? A smooth set of cheeks my prince. A clean and pert ass my lord! I see the back of your balls. That’s right. CLAW marks is what you see. Ohhh! And how do you suppose they got there? You received the manhood of a badger. Oh! You smiled at a crocodile! Those are stretch marks, they happen. It was a tiger! Oh I see! You received the manhood of a tiger! Yes! Did you hear that lads? Our prince made love to a tiger! All hail Achmed the tiger fucker! Tiger fucker, tiger fucker! I DID NOT FUCK A TIGER! One was set upon me. That darn cat tore right through the seat of my pants, and grabbed ahold of my woody. Tiger fucker, tiger fucker! No no no! My WOODY. Look. His arm is all fucked up. And now, now he can’t come with me to cowboy camp! All because of that ungrateful, odious, pretty beautiful, beautiful Princess. *Cries* It’s never going to happen. A girl like her. A guy like me. I’m not handsome of the face. No! Silence. I have this weird sticky-uppy nose, and this ridiculous mustache. I should just shave it! Don’t you dare! We love you just the way you are! No matter what happens, you will always be a prince to me. Thank you. In your homeland you’re a legend. All the people know your name. On the battlefield and off you are superior. I know. In the kingdom though I’m finding that my only claim to fame is an incident involving my posterior. Posterior… Please. I’ve won scores of bloody wars and mopped the floors with my foes, but no one remembers Achmed! I’ve eviscerated peasants from their heads down to their toes, but no one remembers Achmed! Say my name in these parts and you’ll get a vacant stare, until you mention tigers or spotted underwear! Spotted underwear! So to restore my repute as a fierce fearsome brute, there’s only one route I see, Arrange the slaughter of millions of innocent civillians, then they’ll remember me! The kingdom has oppressed us for years. But I’ve been ignored for too long. We’re going to war! Caked in mud, or drenched in blood you smell as fresh as a flower, but no one remembers Achmed! You can pleasure sixty concubines in only an hour, Less! But no one remembers Achmed! Back home I was a hero ladies trembled when I spoke, but here the women treat me like a throw-away joke. Throw him away… I’m a god on earth but darn it, even deities incarnate now and then can feel a little insecure. Insecure.. All I want is some affection this rejection’s almost too much to endure! To endure, look at all he must endure! Am I not a thing of beauty? Don’t you want a piece of this? Wouldn’t you gladly give up all of your worldly possessions just to greet me when I come home from a one sided massacre, and bathe my sweaty, bloody body with your tongue? You ooze sex when you flex, those impeccable pecs! But the Princess rejects me still! She may not love me yet, but I’m willing to bet that once I kill all her people she will! Yes she will yes she absolutely will! Let them laugh, that’s just fine, but the last laugh will be mine ’cause they can’t laugh when they’re all dead. I’ll make them all regret the day they chose to forget, what’s that name everyone? Tiger Fucker! NO! Like I said what’s that name? You’re the cock of the walk, with abs as hard as a rock, Nevermore will they mock you Achmed! He fucked a tiger! I did not fuck a tiger! They’ll remember Achmed! They’ll remember Achmed! They’ll remember Achmed! They’ll remember me! Tiger fucker, tiger fucker, Achmed is a tiger fucker! They’ll remember Achmed the tiger fucking man! What? March! Knock knock. Oh…you. Aren’t you busy? Ruining my life? I noticed you weren’t at dinner, but I saw you tried to poison my wine. Usually when you do that it means you want to talk. What’s up are you mad at me? All right, I’ve got to go find the antidote… Where are you going? There she is! So what’s wrong? Everything. You ripped out my heart and smashed it into a million pieces! And don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about! Uhhhh… You know, that innocent boy from the marketplace! The one that you sentenced to death? You know! Al-, Al llluuh- Aladdin? Yes Aladdin! The name that will forever be burned into my soul. First of all, I would hardly call him a boy. He was well into his thirties. He was perfect! Like if you cobbled together all the best features from all the best guys, and then gave him a tragic backstory! It’s like he was designed specifically to appeal to me. Princess, he was not a nice kind of fellow! You just didn’t know him like I did! No you didn’t know him like I did! I knew everything about him! He was my soulmate! My- my- God I am flaking out! What was his name? Aladdin? Aladdin. I’m writing that down. Two L’s? Uh, no. One L two D’s. Oh. That looks weird. Yeah it’s weird. Princess. All your life I’ve been your vizier. Your tutor, believe it or not I care about you! You’re going to have to rule this kingdom one day and I’m trying my best to prepare you! But I don’t want to be prepared! I want to expect the unexpected! So you think you could handle ruling the kingdom right now? Absolutely. Then how would you protect the kingdom against Prince Achmed should he invade? Well- who? Or more simply, how would you fix the socioeconomic inequality? Oh, Oh! I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. And uh hmm, how privileged I am. And how because I am the Princess, everyone has to be nice to me and give me things. So I think it would solve all of the kingdom’s problems if we just made everyone a princess! Okay… You know it would work! You’re young. You don’t exactly get how things work yet. And while I don’t appreciate any of your ideas, I do appreciate the fact that you have ideas! Maybe one day you’ll have some good ones! But I wouldn’t give another thought to this Aladdin. He’s just like all the other princes in our kingdom. Sexual predators the lot of them! Their tactics target vulnerable young girls, and build up false senses of trust, and then isolate them on magic rides of sorts! And when the moment is right, they whip it out. You know… Their songs. Ohh. Songs. Be wary of young boys who whip out their songs. A song is often a prelude, to a dick. A song is a dick in sheep’s clothing! And if you are ever in doubt, just remember this song: A song is a dick in sheep’s clothing! A song means a dick is on the way! Ja’far! What is it Captain? Can’t you see I’m trying to impart a life lesson? I feel like you only come to see me when there’s bad news! Not this time. Oh thank heavens! What is it then? Horrible news. Some fool atop an elephant is leading a parade throughout the marketplace. A parade? With no permits? No clearing of the streets? What of the apple carts? They’re all turned over! No! And it gets worse.The madman’s throwing gold pieces to the starving masses.And they’re trampling each other to get to it. I counted thirteen dead before the peacocks got to them. Oh shit. This is all your fault Ja’far! Maybe if you threw a parade every once in awhile- I don’t want to hear it! Captain let’s go. Princess, we’ll talk later. It was actually a pretty good parade. They even had a flying carpet. A flying carpet. Could it be? No! That Aladdin is far too clever to show his face in the city again. And even if he did, he’d be in such heavy disguise. Knock knock knock. Did somebody order a prince? *Gasp* Aladdin! How the fuck did you know it was me? Because it is you. You’re just wearing different clothes. Wow. Pretty and smart. You’re the whole shebang babe. But how did you escape being executed? Uh, I escaped, ’cause I’m a prince. You’re a prince? But I thought that you were a poor orphan boy! Oh I’m having trouble believing this. No! No! I AM a prince. Everything I told you the other night was a lie. Don’t you trust me? So, you’re not a tragic figure rebelling against the Man? Babe, I am the man. And you stole all of that stuff just ’cause? Exactly. Ugh. Oh no. Ok, um, now I’m kind of feeling like everything about you that was attractive to me before isn’t really there anymore. No! No. I’m just being indecisive. It’s still you. I’ve just got to get back on that high that I was on before. Oh. You want to get high? Yes. Look into my eyes and talk to me some more about the world’s injustice! Sure. Just let me roll this blunt first. Yo Djinn listen up little dude. I know I can’t wish for this chick to fall in love with me, ’cause that’s against your rules or whatever. But I don’t want her to love me man. I just want her to fuck me. Can I wish for that? NO?!? Jeez, how many rules do you got dude? Funny bastard. All right. Guess I’m gonna have to do this the old fashioned way. Hey! Aladdin here! How you guys doing tonight eh? Cool, cool cool just shut up for a second I want to get serious. You guys know there’s a way to get people to think about sex without even talking about sex? You just gotta do it subliminally. Watch and learn. Hey babe. Such a beautiful night *take off your clothes.* What did you just say? I said it’s beautiful out. Oh! Look at the west tower of the palace *and take off your clothes!* What does it look like? A big long shaft, with a tiny head on top, what does that remind you of? A Giraffe! Really? That’s not what I see. Maybe you can’t *take off your clothes* get a good look at it from down here. What do you say we take a magic carpet ride?*and your clothes off?* Ooo! *carpet swishy noises* Let’s go to a place that’s a bit more isolated. *where you can’t escape taking off your clothes* *take off your clothes, take off your clothes, take off your clothes take off your clothes* Oh no you guys. Do you think that Ja’far could be right about Aladdin? *most audience: YES.* *One audience member: I don’t think so.* Me neither! Aladdin is so nice and charming. I mean, its not like he’s singing or anything. See that palace of gold, shining sparkling, metallic, and a little bit phallic. Take a look and you’ll agree. See those leaves on the ground, spelling something explicit, SFX? Dont you blink or you’ll miss it, gently asking you and me, Take off your clothes! So many hidden messages. Subtle yet slightly lewd, but if you’re shrewd they’ll put you in the mood. To take off your clothes! I feel compelled subconsciously! I don’t know why or how, but here and now, I’m tempted to take off my clothes with you! I wanna take off my clothes with you! I feel free as a bird with no cage and no owner! Look that priest has a boner! No I think that’s just his knees! Take off your clothes, *What a perfect romance!* The universe is telling you *I can’t wait til we’re married!* Each sign is planted there with loving care, accept the cosmic dare And take off your clothes! *And take off your clothes!* Princess take off your pants! *Don’t have to pretend with me!* Show me your magic carpet! Even the stars above reflect our love. They want me to take off my clothes with you! You love me? Sure. And you’re a prince? Babe. I’m the most powerful prince in the world. More powerful than Prince Achmed? Hey I don’t even know who that guy is. Maybe this is how I help save the kingdom. By marrying you! Marry me Aladdin! If I do will you Take off your clothes Wait not so fast, take off your clothes, Let’s make this last At least your top? Aladdin stop. Listen babe, I mean, I know you’re scared. I mean am too. I’ve never done this before. Well, until we’re married can’t we just sit out here and look up at the stars? Okay. Okay. Hey. I respect you you know? *Take off your clothes!* *Swishy carpet noises* Hahahahaha. But. Let me ask you this, Is your penis an innie or an outie? Mmmhh, innie. Mine too. SULTAN! My lord, my liege. Ja’far, can’t you see I’m in the middle of a mind blowing conversation with this furry man? What is it? I was just in the marketplace clearing up after an unauthorized parade, when I saw him. Prince Achmed is back! Who? I prayed that he was just a one off joke, not to be taken seriously! But he’s brought the entire army of Pixar with him and they’ll break through our walls. Our kingdom is doomed! And I have failed you. Yes. You have. Like always. And like always, I’ve had to rectify your incompetence! What? How? Yes! The Princess has finally chosen a suitor. A prince whom she will wed upon the morrow. He will call upon his armies and they will defeat Prince Achmed. Who is this man? This hero? Why the greatest prince in all the world! Why he’s got 50 elephants, llamas galore. Bears, lions, A brass band! A brass band. And whores! Don’t forget about all my whores! YOU! Where is the lamp? Whoa! Please don’t hurt me! Ja’far what are you doing to that Prince? This is no prince! This is the wanted thief Aladdin! How the fuck did you know it was me? Ja’far no. Aladdin explained everything to me. He was just pretending to be a wanted criminal. For FUN. He’s actually a powerful prince. No he’s a liar. This is the truth. I took him into the desert in search of a lamp containing a wish granting Djinn. Just stay with me. I was hoping to use the lamp to save the kingdom but this thief stole it from me! And now I suspect- Oh what the fuck am I talking about? I know. I KNOW that he used the lamp and wished for this prince costume! That is what we are looking at right now. I bet the lamp is under that lamp sized hat. Bullshit! Why would I pretend to be a prince? Just to get laid? That’s not me. Boy, do the first good deed of your life and hand over the lamp! You have selfishly squandered its magic for long enough! Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Why’re you picking on me Ja’far? Afraid I’ll reveal your little secret? What secret? Does anybody else here ever wonder how this guy just opens his yapper and can talk anybody into anything he wants? What’s he using? Logic. Reason. See, I was kinda thinking uh… magic. Sultan, Princess, this guy is a sorcerer! What? Think about it, how is it that he knows so much shit? Hey Ja’far, where do hippopotamuses come from? Africa. See you fucking know that sorcerer! You are flying by the seat of your pants boy. No one here believes you! Yes. I can’t believe it. I have had a SORCERER in my midst this entire time! Guards! Capture that sorcerer! What? No! This is your own fault Ja’far. I should’ve known you were a sorcerer. You idiots! You’re all idiots! Taking the word of that worthless street rat over a lifelong faithful servant! How I ever served you for all these years I’ll never understand. I would’ve expected this from all of you bozos but Princess, I am very disappointed in you. All right I’ve heard enough. Sieze that vile betrayer. Off with his head. No I don’t want to get my head chopped off! So I’m going to combine this bottle of Potassium Chlorate and this bottle of Sodium Bicarbonate. It will create a large cloud of smoke which I’ll use as a cover to make my escape. It will look as if something magical has happened, but it’s simply a chemical reaction, not sorcery. Chemistry. And poof! *Coughing* Whoa! I thought I was just bullshitting you guys! But he actually was a sorcerer! Ooh I was in the same room as a sorcerer! Captain! Find that sorcerer! Oh I can handle this! I got one wish left! I was saving it for a bigger dick but… Oh shit! Where’s the lamp?!? I’ve gone against my Sultan, the highest act of treason. But I had good intentions, I did it for a reason. They’ll kill me if I’m lucky, they’ll torture me if not. What made me think that I could get away with such a plot? It’s not too late to bring it back perhaps I’ll be forgiven… But if my crime can help improve the world we all must live in, am I not bound by duty to the people of this nation? How does the Golden Rule apply in such a situation? As a citizen, I think I would be grateful for the aid, but if I were the Sultan I should hate to be betrayed! Whatever road I take I’ll be incurring someone’s wrath, ’til now I’ve only traveled down the straight and narrow path! Temptation may have beckoned but I always have resisted. But which way do I turn, when the road’s become so, so… Twisted? Who are you? A fellow traveler down a twisted path. No I know you! From Sherrezade’s stories! Ah ah ah! You THINK you know me as others think they know you. But there are two sides to every story. I used to be the ruler of the ocean, I was benevolent and always kept my word, but my brother held the antiquated notion that women should be seen and never heard! So he dethroned me then disowned me and on top of that rezoned me to the outskirts of the kingdom in a cave! Took my scepter and my crown, though I tried to take him down, the truth and I now share a watery grave! The story lingers on, but the version that is drawn is twisted! A pain I know all too well. The pride had never seen a more progressive king than me, both lion and hyena lived in perfect harmony. I brought an end to what had been a senseless age old feud, I was prepared for anything except for what ensued! My brother ate my heirs, my precious cubs! And stole my throne. Returned to segregation and the hateful ways we’d known. Though I’d advocate for unity I always was denounced, so when I saw an opportunity to right the wrong, I pounced. The pride came before my fall in a fate that one might call, well, twisted! They weren’t ready for my ideas! No. They didn’t hate you because of your ideas. They hated you because of that evil looking scar on your face! Fortune favors the beautiful. Au contraire! My only crime was love. In town there was only she who was as beautiful as me. On the inside. But then, tragedy struck. She was taken hostage in a castle filled with demonic furniture! So I did what anyone would do and I organized a rescue mission. But how was I to know that she had fallen in love with her captor? To me that doesn’t seem entirely healthy. Especially since he’s a wolf bear thing. A buffalo monster. In a cape! But the heart wants what it wants. And sometimes what it wants is twisted! Twisted twisted… I only wished to reclaim what was mine! I only wished for equal rights for all! I only wished to save her! I only wished to be invited to the party! I only wished to improve relations between the races! I only wished to teach the boy responsibility! I only wished to give the people a voice! So he wouldn’t end up like me! I only wished to love her! To help the miserable, lonely, and depressed! To be included! To live in harmony! For once! I never knew my father! OVERLAPPING:I only wished for justice
I only wished for love
I only wished for freedom
I only wished for peace I only wished, I only wished, I only wished, I only wished! I only wished to have a coat made out of puppies! What? Just leave! Why would you do that? Stop helping! It’s an unfortunate situation. But you do have a choice. What remains of a man when that man is dead and gone? Only memories and stories of his deeds will linger on. And if a man’s accomplishments aren’t in the tale they tell, are the deeds that go unheralded his legacy as well? If a war breaks out tomorrow we’ll all have hell to pay. Why protect my reputation? I’m a dead man either way. How will they tell my story? How will they tell my tale? Will anybody even care? The question then is whether ’tis nobler in the mind to be well liked but ineffectual, or moral but maligned? I’ll never be a hero all the citizens adore, but if I hide to save my life what has my life been for? What has my life been for? The road ahead may twist, but I will never swerve. I’ll give them all the unsung anti-hero they deserve! I’ve nothing left to lose, so the only path to choose is twisted! Let them twist my words let the people scorn me, who cares if no one will ever mourn me? Let them bury the side of the story they’ll never learn! Let the truth be twisted. Let my life be twisted. I’ll be twisted it’s my turn! Citizens of the Magic Kingdom! Your armies have abandoned you! Your ruling class is corrupt and we have come to put an end to your tyrannical rule! You’ll never end our tyrannical rule! Oh Princess! Funny seeing you here. It is I, Prince Achmed! Who? Prince Achmed. I visited you last week. I swore vengeance? I brought my army to ravage your people? Oh! That’s right. Didn’t my tiger eat your ass? Tiger fucker! Tiger fucker! Stop it! No! Your tiger did NOT eat *or fuck* my ass. It is I who will be doing the fucking today. That’s right. Bring Achmed his tiger and nobody gets hurt. SHUT UP! Stop it. Uh, what I meant was that I’m going to fucking destroy this kingdom. I’m so sorry Achmed. You are not fucking destroying this kingdom any time soon. What? We have a great and powerful prince to protect us. One with an army far greater than yours! Impossible. It is said that he faced the galloping hordes. That’s like, a hundred bad guys with swords. Soon you will be the one surrendering! Prince Achmed, make way for Prince Aladdin! Aladdin! Al-, Yeah Aladdin! Where is he? Heeheeheehee! It appears that your prince has cold feet! Now step aside Princess, it’s not you I’m after. I come for the head of the Sultan. Then you come for my head Achmed! Ja’far? Ja’far? Ja’far! What is the meaning of this? You are not the Sultan. Yes I am! I have been gifted power Achmed! And soon I will have the power to destroy your puny army! Impossible. Come forth my Djinn! You all powerful and terrible thing! You who can command the very stars and the moon! Come forth and serve your master! You talking to me? You talking to me? Yes I am talking to you! Now get your ass over here! Here’s Johnny! All right Johnny. That’s the thing John, uh, when Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don’t eat the tourists. So I use my first wish to become the Sultan. I wish I had a million dollars! Hot dog! Ok. Calm the fuck down! Now I must use your powers again my Djinn. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world she walks into mine. Who? Rosebud. Ja’far what’s going on here? Who’s this very funny blue man standing next to you? This is my Djinn, Johnny. I’m Turboman! I’m sorry, I guess his name is actually Turboman. Ssh! I’m Batman! Just give me a minute. Listen! I am a mortal man and don’t understand your strange godlike tongue! You’re going to have to work with me here! I don’t work for toons. A toon killed my brother. I have got to use my second wish to destroy that army and to do that I’ve got to become more than a man. I’ve got to become- A symbol. Oh no. A Jedi. No no. A dick for. What’s a dick for? Hahaha! NO! I’ve got to become a sorcerer! Can you do that? Yeah. But you’re gonna have to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well do ya punk? Yes I do feel lucky, I’ve got a magic Djinn! But I think he might be a fucking moron! Hey. Don’t look at me like I’m frickin Frankenstein. Give your father a hug. Scott, Scott, c’mon Scott. Get your stinkin’ paws off me you damn dirty ape! Turboman! My fuse is about this long right now. Are you referencing something? Are you trying to make me laugh like some kind of work of fiction that I’m unaware of? I was not charmed by the song you sang when you came out of the lamp, And I am not charmed by your crazy bullshit now. You either need to back me the fuck up, Or shut the fuck up. Got it? You had me at hello. Good. Achmed are you still there? Yes. Prepare to die. I make my second wish. I wish to become the most powerful sorcerer in the world! Schwing! Don’t just stand there! Charge! Hey! Where are we going? Monkey, monkey, I got the carpet, where’d you? Ah forget him. See ya in hell monkey! See ya in hell Princess! See ya in hell kingdom! Aladdin! I was looking all over for you! Achmed is attacking. Where is your army? Uh, they’re just lost right now. I’m gonna go meet them half way bring them back here- We don’t have time for that. We’re all gonna die! Right! And what’s the last thing you want to do before that happens? *Take off your clothes* That’s right have sex! Hurry take off your clothes. I’m not going to take off my clothes in the middle of a battle! Why not? No! No! No! My skin is melting! Djinn, Djinn where are you? Come and fight me Ja’far. Fight me like a man you cowardly snake! All right. I’m tired of those mother f’in snakes on this mother fucking train! Djinn, Achmed’s forces are too great. Even with all my power I cannot defeat them. We’ll have to take as many civilians as we can, move them to the palace, and retreat! In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances. Would you stop acting like an asshole for one minute? Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me! Ok, ok. Just move that palace to the top of that fucking cliff. OVER THERE! All righty then. *Magic noises* Come on babe, you’re such a tease! You’re making my balls as blue as my genie’s balls. I’m not a tease. I’m just… not a freak. Oh! Oh right you’re like a strong powerful woman. So maybe what you need is a strong powerful guy to go all strong and powerful on you. Aladdin stop. You’re pissing me off. You’re making sex seem gross and lame. In fact, I’m sure, yeah! I’m never gonna have sex with you! Wha? You should never say never babe. *Take off your clothes, take off your clothes* Why isn’t it working? What the hell is going on in here? Nothing! You got that Aladdin? We’re not a thing anymore ok? We’re just having our first fight. Maybe after some makeup sex, No. You know what? I thought you were mature for your age. But you’re just like all the other 16 year old princesses I’ve dated. Except you’re forgetting one thing. I’m a thief. I take what I want. Get back! Princess! One step and the little girl gets it! I’m not moving just be cool. Who’re you telling me to be cool motherfucker? I’m getting out of here! I’m making a clean getaway back to my apartment, and little Princess is coming with me! No! I won’t let you take her. You have no idea how much that girl means to me. I love her! Uh you love her? Dude she’s like half your age you’re a total pedo! No! Not that kind of love you shit for brains! You don’t understand. My wife was with child when she was taken by the Sultan. She died in childbirth. And then the Princess was coincidentally born around- the same time. By Allah how could I have never seen it before? The Sultan inverted his penis years ago! He couldn’t have children! Aladdin please. Don’t hurt her. I love her like a daughter! Surely even you have felt this kind of love before? Oh yeah. I loved my parents. But that didn’t stop me from doing what needed to be done. Wait. What? Yeah dude, remember me? You? You’re the guy who killed my parents. Where you been man? In your reflection. I live here. No I live here. Nooooo. You’re just squattin’ here. W-w- wait. If I’m you, then that means, I killed my parents? But I didn’t want them to die! Who are you kidding? You wished for it every goddamn day of your life. They were gonna kick you out of the house! They were, weren’t they. Make you get a job. I don’t want one of those. That’s why…. they HAD to die. Wow. I guess you’re right. I guess I should be thanking you. Yeah I think a thank you’s in order! Well thank you. You’re welcome! Now, time to get that lamp back. Wait. What’re you gonna do with the lamp? Wish for stuff jackass! Like how you wished to be this prince. Pretty good idea by the way. But there are better ideas. Better wishes. Like what? I don’t know… but it’s gonna be one HELL of a ride. Ok Jesus Christ I don’t know what’s going on here. But you are in no position to be handling that knife or this lamp! Back off! Listen to him man, he’ll kill you! Yeah now you’re getting it! See, I’m the one who deserves that lamp. Because I’m the best wisher. Because I’m the best wisher. That’s the trick! You just really have to believe your own bullshit! Who else could’ve done it? And come this far? YOU? You’re an ugly old fart! You’re right, you’re right. I’m not the kind of person who can use the lamp. I don’t believe in wishes. It takes someone who believes they can change the world to actually do it. Yeah. Someone like me. So why don’t you hand that lamp over to someone that knows how to use it? I think I will. But if I give you the lamp, will you give me the Princess? Sure you can have this prude! I can wish for a slutty princess, or a million! I can wish for anything! Ooh I’m getting excited about this guy! Then so be it! But first, I make my final wish. Djinn, I wish to take your place as the wish granter! Do you hear that? You’re free! I wish to be the all powerful genie! It’s groundhog day! What?!? No! The Djinn can’t be free! I didn’t get my last wish! Oh c’mon work you stupid lamp! This isn’t fair! Life is supposed to be fair! Yes! The power! The absolute power! Oh shit! The universe is mine to command. To control! And I am at your service. Princess. Ja’far! You’re… like a devil guy. No, I’m just a Djinn. Oh. Why did you wish for that? Don’t you see? Aladdin was right about one thing. My wishes were weak. But you. Your youth and your passion, and yes your naivete, these give you power. When I was your age I thought I could accomplish anything I ever wanted, and more! But I didn’t. Perhaps no one does. But you have to think you will or you won’t have the strength to try. And maybe you won’t make any big changes, but a few little ones that pave the way for the next generation! And then they’ll make small changes and leave it to the next and the next! It’s a bit like a carousel of progress. Always spinning towards a great big beautiful tomorrow. And tomorrow is just a dream away. But what if tomorrow never comes? No. Tomorrow always comes. Even if it comes without us. Without me. The lamp and the Djinn must return to the Tiger Head Cave, but before I go I can grant three wishes. I don’t think I’m ready. Oh, you must be. This is your kingdom now. What will I do without you to guide me? When I am lost, where will I turn? So many doubts and fears inside me. I’m just a child, I’ve so much to learn. You remind me of someone I knew long ago, you have her eyes. You have her heart. That’s why I love you so, and that’s how I know, that somewhere deep within you, like a tiny seed, waiting to grow into a flower, you have the power to lead. You’ve done your best to heed me, but you don’t need me as a guide. For it’s been in you all along. The power inside. If I do have power beyond what meets the eye, the source of all my hidden value is the morale you supply. If I’m capable of greatness, it’s not innateness don’t you see? You’re the one who put it there, the power in me. Do not be fooled by appearances, for though it may seem small, the power to love one another is the greatest power of all! No matter where life leads us, we’ll never be apart! Through thick and thin, success or ruin! I’ll carry you in my heart! And I will treasure forever what the world will never see. You are kind and that’s enough. You’re a diamond in the rough. And you are the power. The power in me. The power in me. Now Princess, what do you wish of me? I wish there was a way to end the war with Pixar peacefully! And I wish the kingdom had a Sultan who would make it the happiest place on earth again. What else? I wish you didn’t have to go when our story’s just begun. I’m sorry Princess. There are a couple provisos, a few quid pro quos. That’s one wish I cannot grant. Then I wish you every happiness. It is done. Princess! Princess! There you are! What is it? It’s your father. We went in to give him his daily pleasurings and we found him dead. In his cold dead hand we found this declaration, apparently his last act as Sultan was signing it. From this moment forth, the Princess shall be the majority stockholder and sole ruler of the kingdom. Princess, it’s a miracle. What? Achmed’s artillery just blew open a secret vault in the palace containing the lost treasure of Ali Baba. Here it is men. The throne room. I’m sorry Achmed, you are not destroying this kingdom anytime soon. Wanna bet? No. I want to buy. For my first act as Sultan, I’m going to purchase the entirety of Pixar in the name of the Magic Kingdom. Are you being ridiculous with me right now Princess? Buy Pixar? We are a proud and noble people, very protective of our name and brand. I could never sell Pixar for any amount of money! Captain, how much was Ali Baba’s treasure? It was more money than I’d ever seen. But I was able to count it. 7.4 billion drachma. SOLD! And a pleasure doing business with you Princess! But there is one condition. You must bring in new administrators from your land. Men with good ideas to help us rebuild. Well that can be arranged. We’ll set you on the right track. But you must respect our traditions and our heritage. Please, return our kingdom to its commitment to devotion and to duty. You must bring back the 2 Ds. All hail our new sultan. The Princess. Oh rise, rise! From now on, no one need bow to anyone else. Equality will finally come to this kingdom for all. From now on, everyone is a princess. Even me? Even you! Even me? Oh yes even you! So many great things have happened today. This is all Ja’far’s fault! Yes you’re right Captain. Captain? Don’t you mean princess? I am so sorry, princess. Darn tootin’. Wait, what happened to Ja’far? So this is the life of a Djinn. Phenomenal cosmic powers. Shitty, shitty living space. So ends the untold story of a royal vizier. Funny… that’s not the ending I recall. What? You’re forgetting the best part, when the two lovers are reunited and they live happily ever after. Sherrezade but how? I’m pretty sure someone wished for your happiness. So I’ve come back to stay with you in the lamp. Doesn’t this make you happy? Yes of course! But doesn’t that mean you’re trapped here forever? I always said a thousand and one nights wasn’t enough! Oh then the Princess, she really did it! Her other wishes-? Came true as well! By making everyone a princess she ensured that they were all treated with respect and compassion. They all did unto others as they were done unto. She followed the Golden Rule! And led her people into the third Golden Age. But Sherrezade, how do you know these things? The lamp may exist outside of time and space. It’s how the Djinn was able to watch all those funny movies he quoted. We can see anything, anytime, anywhere. Oh then let’s go see what happened to that thief Aladdin! Aahh! Saalam and good evening worthy friend! Please come closer! Ooh a little too close! Is that Aladdin? He’s old and fat! Yes look at this! Combination hookah and coffee maker! Also makes chili and fries! Will not break! Will not- It broke. He’s hawking second hand goods, he’s a loser! This is no ordinary lamp! It once changed the course of a young man’s life. A young man who was not what he seemed. He does this til his 55th year when he is killed by a thief over a loaf of bread. And that’s the end of the true story. And what of our story? How does it end? It doesn’t. A thousand and one lifetimes is not enough to spend, At last we have a story with no end! Let this be a story… with… no…. end! Aaaah aaaaah aaaaaaah! Where we can write our own happy ending!- I want everything!- I steal everything We’ll get our happy ending!- Meaning everything- And that happy ending starts- I want everything- I’ll steal everything Tonight! Made you look! *A Thousand and One Nights*

100 thoughts on “Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier (Whole Show)

  1. This is like the tenth time I watch it…it never gets old, every time i laugh like the first time, even more! Im so curious to watch the italian version of this masterpiece!

  2. No, I’m not watching this for the 2nd time today… what are you talking about?! And no I’m not watching this musical for the 6th time, again, I have no clue what you’re talking about! Fuck you!

  3. We just not gonna talk about the djinn who only talks in movie quotes and breaks character. Also why is Jeff always so fuckin scary

  4. Okay so I've seen this musical like 10 times but just now I realised that in orphaned at 33 when he sings ''no one to teach me the difference between right and wrong'' the left camera (our left that is) is on him during ''right'' and they switch to the right camera when he sings ''wrong'', which are the same camera changes they did during his crazy monologue, when the left camera is on him during the ''good guy Aladdin'' part and the right camera during batshit crazy Aladdin. So once again good job on the foreshadowing Starkid. Thank you for coming to my ted talk byeee.

  5. I'm going to geek the fuck out, so bear with me. I like this musical. Yes, it can be vulgar sometimes, but God damn! The music, the voices, the characters… They're all so good and memorable in their own way. And I feel so, so sorry for Ja'far. He tries his damndest to make the kingdom and country great to prosper, but yet, is stuck with the most horrible sultan imaginable and a psychotic thief.

    I will also admit… I almost teared up in some of the songs. The music is top notch here. Good God, is it great! Plus, Ja'far is a good character here and you sympathize and want to root for him to succeed. I never thought I would say that in my life. But holy shit, this musical is great. The other villains appearances, their twisted motivations, how it connects with Ja'far's struggles and of course, the very end when he achieves his own happy ending. The poor man deserves it. In short, I love this musical. Parody or not, this was a great story. That's all I have to say.

  6. When I first heard about Starkid I thought it was a theatre company that made musicals for kids but…….

    T H I S I S G R E A T

  7. I just realized that, as Jafar is singing about wanting to see his wife again in the first act's climax song, he sings the line "[We'll] share an itty bitty living space," which is a reference to the genie in the original when he's talking about his lamp. I didn't need your foreshadowing slapping me in the face after my third run through, damn it.

  8. So this means Sherrezade was pregnant with Jasmine while she was married to Ja’far and that Ja’far is Jasmine’s father….

    I want this to be canon SO bad Rn!!!

  9. 6:21 I didn't realize they were referencing Disney villain death

    Skewer by a sailing ship -Ursula

    Hang in tangled jungle vine- Tarzan antagonist

    Eaten by hyenas -Scar

    Plummet to his death- Mother gothel

  10. Is it just me or does Jafar have 4 wishes?
    1. Be the sultan
    2. Be a sorcerer
    3. To move the Palace
    4. Become a Djinn
    Please, correct me if I'm wrong, I can't live in peace since I thought of that!!

  11. I love the constant references to Disney, especially in song form. Like the golden rule, was you’ve got a friend in me and Everything and more was part of your world

  12. I dont really understand why ppl r hating on the Aladdin live action movie it was actually a great movie while i know it was a cash grabber but they spent just about as much to get good actors and good singers and special effects while this ones funnier and a little more realistic the live actions just as fun.

  13. the way a couple people in the audience squeal with laughter when Ja'far tells Sherrezade the cave doesn't exist is a fuckin MOOD, mansplaining even in a musical, dang lmao

  14. Jafar is Just Misunderstood, Like The Wicked Witch in Wicked

    also the people in this kingdom are crazy

    Jasmine Listen to Jafar, He’s like Dad now so you gotta listen also don’t let anyone sing to you it’s not good be like Paul he hated getting sung to or Watching singing

    Also Jasmine didn’t think about the implications! Think about the implications!! Think! Think! Think! Think! THINK!!!

  15. I’ve never seen anything by Star Kid productions, but I’m not disappointed. It’s comedic and clever, but it’s also emotional and heartfelt. I love stories like this, it tells the tale of the “villain” and shows what their life is like. There are two sides to every coin and stories like this really make you think. I know I’m late to the bandwagon, but I’m glad I finally saw this. 10/10 performance.

  16. Bro I’m out here crying in the club with the song granting her the wishes, y’all I’m literally sobbing it was so heartfelt

  17. My friends said that the magic carpet isn’t an actual character and then I showed them this and they shut up about it.

    ahem Robert Manion ahem

  18. "thousand and one night" is actually a famous story book in unit Arab. And the story starts with a maiden telling stories for one thousand and one night to the king

  19. The way the audience went from laughing to going "oohohOHOO" so quickly when he said "in your reflection" gets me amazed every single time

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