Laughter is the Best Medicine

Ultra Comedy Cardiff – James Humphreys @ The Glee Club

whilst I was growing up my dad told me
you can fix any technical issue by smacking it. TV on the fritz, smack! DVD
player skipping, bang. Son diagnosed dyslexic, smock. don’t worry,
he spoiled us, there was psychological trauma too. He used to do things like put on Stephen King’s IT force us to watch it and at the end go, “Well that was really real. Time for bed!” I remember one night I was struggling to sleep after my dad told me
our family’s prone to demonic possession I went to go and get a glass of water and we had this huge clock at the bottom the stairs says the thing flew off the wall. I shit
myself and dived back into bed the thing is my dad heard. He came to my
room I said, “Dad it wasn’t me, it was a ghost.” But he still hit me. Not because he thought I broke the clock, I’d now convinced him the house was haunted. Because he believes in all that bullshit why my nan died she was a heavy smoker
and every now and again you’d get a random waft cigarette and he’d tap him like, “James your Nan’s here.” and I think what? did she reincarnate as a packet of her
favorite golden Virginia? Seriously he says stuff like that to me all the time, “Nan’s up there looking down on you and she’s proud.” Of what? My bukkake collection? some fates are worse than death, watching me jizz for an eternity is one of them. No I still live with my parents and I’m asthmatic, which makes a sneaky wank difficult since they can hear me coming a mile away Sorry, sorry. Let me politically correct that. I stay at home sexually assault single socks. #MeToo
taught me that, it also made me look at my own history and realize I was someone
who was often friend-zoned which basically means being a friend to someone but thinking you’re entitled to sex which I guess is somewhat true. I
never did with my male friends. Call one up and be like, “Come up my house, bring the joy pad, we’ll jump on the Playstation of course you can be player one!” Only to be pouting an hour later like, “Mate I can’t believe you haven’t sucked me off yet. I left myself wide open on FIFA! you’re fucking dick tease mate!” the thing is I used to get friend zone so
often, with my current girlfriend I instantly made her aware I was interested
with cute things like poetry, “I love your eyes, you smile, your hair.
I want to bend you over the arm of that chair.” the thing is when we did finally get together we both quickly discovered I’m a smooth, hot-blooded, 100% raging asexual.
Sex!? I could take it or leave it. She’ll suggest something like Netflix
and chill and at the 10-minute mark she’ll start coming on to me. But the
only issue is this is usually when the catalysis happens that propels the film’s
narrative forward and at this point I’m invested. I have genuinely stopped foreplay to pause a film like, “Sorry babe, Legally Blonde is
defying my expectations.” To behonest I don’t think I’m asexual, I’m just shit
at shagging. like thinking about cardio makes me sweat. So it’s really hard to maintain an erection when sweat quickly turns into
waterboarding To be fair, I think. I think there is a
reason for my, uh, my vagiphobia. I personally blame sci-fi movies, particularly… Easy fella. maybe you’ll get the reference. Particularly
the facehuggers from the Alien franchise so those of you who don’t know. It’s basically a monsters that’s vagina slash spider and it bursts out of an egg and flies toward your face. And to
be fair, it doesn’t seem a bad way to go being smothered to death by a ladies
crotch. But at the very last second a dick flops out and your only natural instinct
is to go “Noooo!” Listen if us men can understand it, so can the aliens, noooo means no,
thank you, goodnight. James Humphreys, ladies and gentlemen.

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