Melbourne, I’m very glad to be here because
I’ve been going through a really rough patch. I just found out this week that my
wife’s a lesbian. *crowd laughs* It’s been really tough because a couple of
months ago I found out that I too was a lesbatarian. *crowd laughs* And now we’re married but you’ll get equality soon. *crowd laughs* I do argue with my wife a bit, like
not, not ugly argue but really good at silent treatment. It’s quite quiet at our house at the moment. I look at women and our gift. Our gift is arguing and I look at
straight couples and I don’t know how you do it. Like it’s obviously not
natural. Because men are not equipped to deal
with the arguing that women have. Because women are so good at it and men look at that and they go my wife’s a vindictive b*tch. *crowd laughs* Let me quickly explain how it works. For every argument that comes through your door your wife will assess
that argument, she’ll go do I have enough time, energy and charisma to finish this
argument the way I wanted? The way you deserve to have it. She doesn’t want to cheat you and give you a 5 hour argument when it’s clearly a 15 hour thing. *crowd laughs* So she will assess that argument right?
And then when she goes I won’t be able to finish it then she just goes ahead
and bookmarks that argument for later. *crowd laughs* And she puts it in the argument library
for later. So when you have that quiet Saturday. You’re both just sitting at home, the kids at your mum’s and you go the house is clean we’ve
got nothing to do she’ll go… One moment… *crowd laughs* But I feel sorry for straight females. You know when… because women, we do our best work in the car. When we argue it’s good to
keep them close. So you know when you’re driving and the
couple in the car behind you is having an argument and you know they’re having an
argument there is no way you can miss it. Because he’s got he’s it’s too hot in
the sauna face on that: *crowd laughs* and she looks like a fox terrier eating
peanut butter. *crowd laughs* But that couple will fight the whole time in the car. Like they’ll just be at it. Til they hit the driveway of the house that they’re going to. Then she’ll turn to him and she’ll go, Now put your happy face on. You put your
happy face on. Because I don’t need them to see the kind of sh*t I have to put up with. So the whole night they’re there, you know you try and look over to your wife, you try to reassess. You know like are we alright? *crowd laughs* She’ll look at you because she’s calm
right. She’s gonna… And she truly loves you in that moment she’s calm. That b*tch put a bookmark in ages ago
and then she’ll turn to you at some point during the night and she’ll go: I’ll be sober driver. *audience member scoffs* I know!
It’s a trap! Dur, like you’re idiots. You’re idiots! You go this is great so you start adding
piss to your situation. *crowd laughs* You leave the party, she’s like see you guys.
What a great party. Hey Sandy, email me that recipe. Let’s do something with the
kids. What a great night. What a great party! *door slam* He gets in the car oh yeah that was a
good party eh? SHUT YOUR F*CKING MOUTH! *crowd laughs* He gets such a fright he’s sober again. *crowd laughs* She has whipped the bookmark out. You guys have been amazing, enjoy your Festival. Thank you so much.