*slam* 𝕃𝔸𝕌𝔾ℍ! (‘laugh’ counter: 1) Hello everyone and welcome back to Jacksepticeye’s Funniest Home Videos! Where we like to live life and we love to— Where the fuck is it? *drumroll* *slam* ᒪᗩᑌǤᕼ! (‘laugh’ counter: 2) Today is a very special day because we have some of our favorite things to react to here on Jacksepticeye’s Funniest Home Videos. This time, we have more crazy products. I can’t get enough of them, ok? They’re absolutely hilarious! I keep trying to think of other things that we can do on this. It’s just going to become Jacksepticeye’s Infomercial Power Hour That has a really good ring to it. What do you think spider loaf ? *anti voice* I think you’re fucking stupid. Well that may be true, spider loaf. But I just cannot get enough of these creepy weird products that nobody would ever buy. We-we’ve seen some really dumb ones at this point We’ve seen the Flowbe. You know, vacuum your hair off your head. We’ve seen the Potty Putter. Take a shit and sink a hole in one. We’ve also seen the GLH, the babes are back. But following along on our toilet themed ones, we have something called the “Bowl Light”. Okay, not to be confused with the bow light. Okay, like a light that you put on your bow and arrow and be able to see things in the distance Now this is a bowl light For your toilet. Commercial: “When nature calls in the middle of the night that bathroom light is blinding bright” Jack: Ohh. Commerical: “Don’t stumble around in the dark and miss the mark.” Jack: (laughing) Wait, wait… Did you actually go to toilet yet or are you just so freaked out by the germs of the toilet you’re like: I have to fucking clean it first. Wake up in the middle of the night you’re like I have to clean! I have to clean the toilet, I made a mess in there earlier. Cynthia’s gonna come home and kill me. Commercial: Now, there’s Bowl Light! The new LED motion activated light (Jack giggles) that transforms your toilet into a soft and gentle night light! Jack: No way! Commercial: Just hook Bowl light onto any toilet, then select the color you love and let the magic begin! Jack: Oh! Nevermind Bowl Light, I just want this fuckin’ music, oh play it! (Jack dances like a child) Commercial: “Select the color you love and let the magic begin, in the dark!” Jack: It’s DJ So Hot right now. Commercial: “‘The bathroom light used to wake me up at night. Now with Bowl Light, the soft, ambient light lets me see, but it doesn’t wake me up.'” Jack: So you shit when you sleep? You sleep-shit?! I’ve heard of sleepwalking Jim, if that is your real name. Commercial: “The bathroom light-” Jack: That is his real name, that’s definitely Jim (laughs) Um, I like to wake up when I go take a shit at nighttime, actually. in fact, I don’t actually wake up to go to the bathroom like that. I mean I can wake up to pee every now and then but, I also like that the bathroom light wakes me up otherwise, you’re just gonna be pissin’ in the dark, Jim. It’s gonna go everywhere and that Bowl Light, it’s going to illuminate everything. It’s gonna show the pee all over your walls and your feet. Jack: Now I just go and piss in the dark, while I sleep. Commercial: “‘But it doesn’t wake me up.'” Jack: (laughs) Commercial: “Bowl Light even changes colors!” Commercial: Blue, yellow, red, white! Jack: (laughs and slurps for some reason?) I dont understand Jack, you cannot eat the Bowl Light) Bowl Light changes colors: blue, green, and have we mentioned orange! All the colors of the ‘bow. Commercial: It’s a rainBOWL of colors! Jack: OHHH THERE IT IS! There is it! A rainBOWL of color! Aw man, I fuckin’ want one now. This is supposed to be dumb and now I’m legitimately just sitting here being like “This is really cool.” (laughs) Although, if you take a poop with that thing on… is it gonna illuminate your poop weirdly or is it gonna shine into the bowl and just— (laughing) It’s gonna shine on your shame. It’s gonna just shine into the bowl and remind you of what you did, what you killed to put that there! (laughing) Commercial: My husband up three to four times a night and wakes me up everytime. (scream!) Jack: (laughing uncontrollably ) Jack: You weren’t even fucking looking at the bathroom! Unless he turned on that light and it just went *slam* ꒒ꍏꀎꁅꃅ! (‘laugh’ counter: 3) There is no fucking way that he woke you up with that. Also Ross or Ali. I don’t know which one is which… Waking up three to four times a night to go to the bathroom? Go see a doctor, man! Commercial: My husband gets up three to four times a night and wakes me up everytime. Now I get to stay asleep! Jack: (laughing) That is the most beautiful scene as he hobbles: a silhouetted man, in the shame of night, hobbling into the bathroom. But you know what? At least his wife is asleep. *remix of the commerical* “Call an ambulance!” Commercial: Bowl Light is perfect for kids bathrooms, too! Light up the way and kids can “aim to please” so your toilets stay clean. Even toilet training is easy peasy! (Jack laughs) Jack: YAAAASSSS!!! IT’S FUCKING PINK! I’M GONNA PISS SO HARD! I also love that this kid changes it. Commercial: Light up the way and kids can aim to- Jack: It’s like, “I’m not gonna pee on green, man.” Commericial: -please, so your toilets stay clean Jack: He changed it to muhfucking BLUE, dawg. I need BLUE before I POO! (laughs) Commercial: My son was always afraid of going to the bathroom in the dark. Jack: (laughs) Now he just shits his pants in bed. (laughing) Commerical: Order Bowl Light, the amazing new nightlight today! (ends abruptly) Oh, okay, that’s it. It ended as fast as it was in our lives, oh my God. I didn’t know that was gonna get me so much. That was that was the best thing I’ve ever seen in my life (laughs) I want one! (continues laughing) We’ve gone from taking dumps to crock-pot dump meals. I have no idea what that means. Is this just gonna be a crock-pot that you put— Oh, you’re not gonna put poo in it, are you? No one would do that, would they? Commerical: Succulent baby back ribs! Commerical: Juicy roasted chicken, tender pot roast. These can take hours to prepare, but what if they only took five minutes? (weird sfx that sounds like that sound when you win a slot machine) Commerical: Well, making dinner just got—
Jack: What? (unknown) Oh, Lord! Cathy! Oh— Put the dimmer on those eyeballs, will ya? Jesus! That’s— (NANI?) that’s horrifying! Commerical: Crock-pot slow cooker dump meals! Delicious recipes prepared in minutes with five ingredients or less. Commerical: Watch how easy! Start with rice and dump on a can of soup! Jack: Ew! (Ikr, Jack, save us Americans plz) Commerical: —add some pork chops and cover with onion soup mix. Then let the slow cooker do its magic. Jack: EW! That looked disgusting! You can’t put all those things in together like that at once! Commercial: After work, you’ll have tender smothered pork chop— (video is paused) (Jack tries not to vomit) I’m okay! You know what, I don’t know what I was expecting when she threw all of this shit in at once. Commercial: Start with rice and dump on a can of soup! Commercial: Layer on some pork chops and cover with onion soup mix, then let the slow cooker do its magic! (mockingly) “Then let the slow cooker do its magic!” Eat it up and regurgitate it back out for you so you can eat vomit when you come home from work! Commercial: Sprinkle boneless chicken breast with a pack of ranch then dump in stuffing mix, and some frozen veggies! Jack: (laughs) If you want to get rid of a body, just put it into th-the dump pot! Just put it in the dump meals crock pot! Put it in, put over your bag of lime on it, add some salt so the ground will never grow there again, and you’re done. Commercial: Look here! Pulled pork sandwiches—a (unknown) favorite. Jack: Wow! Commercial: Just dump root beer on a pork roast with barbecue sauce! I feel—Cathy, I feel like you’re making this shit up as you go along. I think that this is definitely—she came up with this idea by just having nothing in her house. She was like: “What am I gonna make today?” like, “Oh! I’ll just get this pot and dump this bag of oatmeal over this thing (chuckles) then get my porkchops!” “And then, I’m gonna get this pot of mustard and i’m gonna throw it over the top.” Yum! (not yum) (NANI?) Commercial: Want another soda secret?? Jack: Okay! Oh Lord (laughing) (mockingly) “YoU wAnNa ‘NoThEr SoDa SeCrEt, FuCkEr” This—this frame right here, this is exactly what she must feel like when she makes this food. It just BLOWS her mind open. Commercial: A can of ginger ale perfectly flavors this teriyaki chic—” (video paused) Jack: Okay, Cathy, come on. (chuckling) You may as well be pissing in the dark without your bright light—your Bowl Light. Slow cook the juiciest meatloaf with baked potatoes and never worry about burning! You’ll come home to a hearty delicious meal. Jack: I highly doubt these meals are coming out of that thing. Commercial:—like this cheesy dump dish pizza, or (video paused) Jack: (laughs) Excuse me, waiter! Yes, I would like the dump dish pizza, please. Ah, Chicago’s finest—Chicago’s dump dish. Jack: I love Cathy. Commercial: Start with tortilla shells, then dump on meat, beans, and cheese for this family size tortilla. Jack: (Immediately pauses) That is NOT how that would come out! I just love her go-get-it attitude. She’s just like, “you know what? Fuck it. You want to cook? You say you can’t cook? Of course you can! Just open up your closet, open up your cupboards—” (chuckling) Not your closet. Don’t put your clothes in the dumper, okay? That’s what we should call it, the dumper! “Just open up your cupboards, grab your arms, and throw everything you can into that crock-pot, and there! Delicious meal for 16 people! Right when you come home from work. Dumper’s finest!” Commercial: Now just dump and go with crock-pot slow cooker dump meals! “Just dump and go.” I thought I had to eat and then dump. I’m sure this is a fabulous product, but what really sells it to me—what really makes me want it is Cathy’s enthusiasm for life. Cathy: Want another soda secret? Still Cathy: You wanna ‘nother soda secret, ya son of a fuck? (Porn music plays because Robin) Commercial: Nothing makes you feel more invigorated and refreshed than— (I blame Robin) Commercial: —relieving your body of excess stored water which may contain toxins. Commercial: But who has the time to spend at a spa? Jack: Those people look dead. Commercial: Plus, the sauna experience can be expensive. (video paused) Jack: $65 for a sauna experience is pretty damn expensive, but really do you want to have those toxins in your body? Is $65 really a high price to pay for tOXINS? in yOUR BODY??? Commercial: Introducing the revolutionary Sauna Pants! (laughs) I’m f— I’m fuckin’ done, I’m done. I’m done. (laughing) What is that? Can we get fucking Cathy back here? Please? Cathy’s dumper does not seem so weird anymore. Cathy but bass boosted: Want another soda secret? Jack, noticing that bulge: Oh, good Lord. Am I gonna be (sigh) am I just gonna put this on and steam my nuts off? Is that what’s gonna happen? Am I gonna make a stew out of my junk? Commercial: The at-home sauna experience that you can enjoy when you want to and where you want to, right in the comfort of your own home! Jack: ‘Cause that’s where toxins are stored: in the balls. Commercial: The Sauna Pants work just like a sauna, creating a moist heat, sweating out unwanted excess water— Jack: No they don’t! Commercial: (unknown), right where you need it the most! Okay, when I go to a sauna… all twice that I’ve ever been to one… I don’t think people go to a sauna to sweat their dick and ass off. I don’t think they go in and be like, you know what? I really need to go to the sauna because my thighs and ass are really holding in the toxins. Why stop there? Why stop at a sauna— why stop at Sauna Pants? Why not just get a Sauna Suit? Put it all on you, get one of those like sumo suits and just turn it into the sauna suit and turn that bad boy on. Commercial: The unique design of the Sauna Pants wrap and attach instantly, adjusting to the comfort level of your body shape, and— (video paused) Jack: and no one will be any the wiser! (laughs) Commercial: You’re in total control of the heat level. Never too cold, never too hot! Always just right for you! Jack: Wait, is she—is she using a Go-Jo (unknown spelling)? Is she—sorry Sorry, I’ll just—I’ll email you right now, one Mississippi. Uh, Sauna Pants, yes? Commercial: Relax in the privacy of your own home. Jack: (laughs) Jack: Is he playing Fortnite? Do you think he’s playing Fortnite? You mean I can get a victory royale and I can look great and feel great and invigorated and sweat my ass off at the same time? My ass gets sweaty and wet enough when I’m just sitting in my chair recording regular gameplay videos, I don’t want to sweat it off even more. Commercial: And home sauna systems can be expensive. Commercial: Stop sitting around and—
Jack: Okay, you keep talking about how expensive these things are, Commercial: —very own custom conforming—
Jack: How-how much are the Sauna Pants? Commercial: —for only $29.99 Wow, do you want to go to a real sauna and actually get the benefits that it offers and actually do it for your entire body for $65, or would you rather spend, um a little under half of that uh, to just sweat your ass off? This person is glistening. But yeah, it’s supposed to be working just on your—I don’t get it. Commercial: For Amanda, mornings were always the most boring part of her day.
Jack: Oh, no. Commercial: Same old clothes, same old breakfast,
Jack: Oh, no. Commercial: same old toothbrush. Jack: Oh, no! Commercial: Until one day, with the ring of a doorbell, that all changed! (SFX: “It’s my dick in a box!”) Commercial: These magical toothbrushes feature songs by One Direction That one wasn’t so special, that one was just a weird product that I don’t think anyone’s actually gonna buy, and it wasn’t even that funny. Okay? I’m here at jacksepticeye’s Funniest Home Videos. What are we? We are the funniest of videos because we want you to have fun, and we want you to (slam) 𝓛𝓐𝓤𝓖𝓗! (‘laugh’ counter: 4) So I need to bring you only the best videos. May I present to you, The Magic Poop Collector. Commercial: Are you tired of taking your dog for a walk and picking up after their mess? Commercial: Are you tired of using grocery bags or products that are heavy and not useful? Who the f— carries around a combine harvester in their handbag to pick up dogshit? No one. Commercial: It can get very messy when your pet goes in the house or on the sidewalk or even your neighbors lawn. (laughs) They just made it look like that dude watched his dog take a shit and then go: “Imma step in that.” (laughs) Jack: “Did you go duty? Good boy!” Jack: (screams of anguish by someone who has felt a thousand years of war and torture) Shit! If only I had a magic poop collector, I wouldn’t’ve stood in the poop! Commercial: We have the answer for you! Commercial: Introducing PooTrap, the amazing new innovation that eliminates the need—
Jack: No! Jack: No! Commercial: —of picking up after your dog!
Jack: No! (video paused)
Jack: No! Oh, my God! Oh, those poor dogs! Commercial: An amazing new innovation that eliminates the need of picking up after your dog. Commercial: PooTrap is a unique new products that fits any sized dog without any hassles and your pets will love it, too.
Jack: (laughs) Will they? Commercial: It’s easy to install on your dog and makes your walking experience fun.
Jack: I’m not a dog, okay? But I can safely assume that no dog would love having a plastic bag strapped to its ass. (chuckles) That would be bitten off in seconds, plus if you put a bag on your dog’s ass and then other dogs come over, how are they gonna say hello? What are they gonna sniff? They’re just gonna sniff plastic and be like, “that’s a fake dog.” Woof woof. Commercial: No poops, no oops! (laughs) Ah, that’s a good slogan! “No poops, no oops!” Oh, I gotta say that every time I go to the bathroom from now on. If someone goes “how was it?” I’ll come out and be like, “no poops, no oops!” Commercial: PooTrap is available in eight sizes and three colors. There are no substitutes. Jack: Yeah, ’cause that’s what you need. You know eight sizes and three—you just said it fits any size of dog! Commercial: “Fits any size dog” It’ll fit any dog, but you need to get one of the specific sizes out of the eight that we have. It only comes in three colors though, but who really cares what color a bag of shite is? Especially your dog, since it’s color blind. Commercial: “Call now, or visit our website at www.pootrapusa.com”
Jack: (laughs) PooTrap USA, I thought it was called pootra-pusa. (laughs) It sounds like fuckin’ Lollapalooza for poo. It’s like where the dogs go all to hang out with their PooTraps on their butts and be like “Hey, what’s up?” “I’m shitting right now, but you can’t tell because I got my pootra-pusa on.” “Oh, this thing? Comes in eight sizes, only three colors though. I know, but for my ass? There are no substitutes.” No, I th—I thought we’d run out of weird products at this point, but no—they just keep on coming. There’s an infinite amount of them on the internet, all over the place and they never fail to make me (slam) Ⱡ₳Ʉ₲Ⱨ! (‘laugh’ counter: 5) Why do we keep busting up against ones that are all about bathrooms? Why are there so many products… about going to the bathroom? Just so many. Is that really what humanity needs is more products for going to the bathroom? Yes, actually, that’s exactly what it needs. But that does it for this episode of Jacksepticeye’s Funniest Home Videos, don’t forget to drink your straight fucking water and (slam) ᒪᗩᑌGᕼ! (total ‘laugh’ count: 6) I have been your host and the babes are back. Goodnight, everybody! typing all this was v hard. I agree man. (there’s 2 editors so yeah he’s not talking to himself.) I hurt my hand from all the laughs.