Anecdota

Laughter is the Best Medicine

What to Say if You’re Interrogated by an Extremist Militia – Mohanad Elshieky – Stand-Up Featuring


– One quick thing about me is that I hate taking
Ubers so much. I hate them. I hate the small talk. And the last car I
had the driver wanted to do the thing where he wanted to match the name on the screen with how I pronounce my name. So he was like, “Oh,
how do you do this?” and I was like, “Okay… “It’s Mo-ha-nad.” And he was like
“Huh, interesting. “You know actually
here in the States “it’s pronounced Mohammad.” I’m like “Oh cool, well
that’s a great point.” It’s just not how
names work, yeah. Yeah, they don’t change
based on location. (audience laughs) You know? Because if your name is Miles and you travel and
you go to France, no one’s going to
come to and be like “Hmm, actually here, it’s
pronounced kilometers, yeah.” (audience laughs) I know some of you
are like “Hey man, “there are worse things in life, “this here’s the driver
trying to be nice to you.” and that’s very true cause
this reminds me of something that happened to me
maybe like six years ago before I moved
here to the States. I was driving my car back home. I’m originally from Libya which is a place that
shows up if you Google it. (audience laughs) And I was driving my car and
got stopped at a check point and one thing you need
to know about Libya back then that was mostly
controlled by like religious, like extremist militias. And they searched
my car up and down and one of them looked
at me and he was like, “Well, who the fuck are you
and what are you doing here?” And I was like to be
fair I do ask myself the same question every
morning, so I get it bro. And he was like
before we let you go, “Who do you support,
us or them?” And I was like “Well
that definitely depends. “Are you us or them?” Yeah, you guys kind of look
alike, not to be offensive. And he was like no I
really need an answer, so I stood there
like super afraid. I didn’t know what to say, I’m like aw man, Jesus Christ, which obviously I did
not say that out loud. (audience laughs) ‘Cause that would of
been super awkward, so instead I replied with
“God, I support God.” And he was like
“That’s really dope.” “Yeah you support us too
then, you can go buddy.” Yeah, super easy. Now some of you are like what
is this point of this story? What are you trying to tell us? Well the point I’m
trying to make is that I rather deal with all that than have my Uber
driver talk to me. (audience laughs) Your point made. I use social media a lot. I’m on Twitter a lot
and one thing that sucks about that thing is that
people there have opinions. Have you guys seen
opinions lately? Yeah, they’re really bad. And I also have opinions,
but they’re like good. And the last opinion I
had was about gun control and I was like yeah, you
know, I’m going to tweet that to the public, to
everyone to see, you know? No backlash for sure, especially with a name Mohanad,
works every time. So I put my opinion out there and I believed in
everything I said until that guy
Kevin replied to me. Do you guys know Kevin
from social media? (audience laughter) Yeah, he’s there. Yeah, Kevin replied to me
and this is was Kevin said. His reply was amazing,
it was like poetry. He replied and said, “You fucking Muslim, I eat
bacon twenty-four seven.” And I was like what a hateful
haiku, that’s so cool. (audience laughs) Also man, I don’t eat bacon but I think that’s
super unhealthy. Also probably the worst
argument against gun control. Just shouting your
favorite food at me, yeah. Then obviously I had to
track him down and shoot him just to prove a point. (audience laughs) I grew up in a religious family. I grew up Muslim. Anyone here grew up religious, like Muslim or like any of
the other false religions? (audience laughs) There can only be one. No, I grew up religious,
but growing up I use to read the
Bible a lot, you know, because you got to know what
your enemies are you up to. (audience laughs) And surprisingly they
were up to the same thing. You’re just like wow look
at this, who wrote this? Kafka, amazing. (audience laughs) I used to work customer service. I used to do retail. Anyone here did that
or still does that? A few people, the rest of you
are just super, super rich? That’s super cool. I hated it, I hate customer
service and if you have anyone that in your life that
thinks that all lives matter, probably never did
customer service before. (audience laughs) Yeah, ’cause if you
do customer service it changes your
perspective, you know? It goes from all lives matter
to something more like, “Oh, some people deserve to die. “Yeah absolutely,
more people actually. “You know you need to
actually and your kids, “some people need to go, sure.” But one thing that use
to happen to me a lot when I did retail is that
people would hear my accent and they would try to
guess where I’m from because that’s a fun
game for both of us. (audience laughs) I had this lady one time who
approached me and was like, “Oh, you have an
accent, where you from?” I was like I’m from
Libya originally to which she replied,
“Oh, hmm hmm.” “Do you mean Lebanon?” And I was like you know what, yeah that’s exactly
what I meant. Not about now, for 27
years I’ve called it Libya and then here you come, wow look at this
walking globe, amazing. Mm yeah and then shot her too. She had to go with Kevin. (audience laughs) I used to have two roommates
and loved them, great people. Both of my roommates are Jewish and when I tell people that people tend to get too excited. Yeah, ’cause people will do
thing where they’re like, “Oh wow, won’t you look at that. “Wow, Arabs and Jews living
together in the same place. “What a concept!” I’m like sure absolutely,
but I feel like you’re trying to make this into an
Israel-Palestine thing and buddy let me tell
you at our household the stakes are way lower. (audience laughs) Yeah, none of us or my
roommates just woke up one day just to be like, “Well,
this land has been given “to me by the Lord, yeah!” And then me having to be like well I think that’s
just called the landlord and you need to stop. One last thing, I had this
really terrible thing happen to me a few months ago. I was doing comedy in the
city of Spokane, Washington. (audience member woots) Yeah, one person
knows that place. The rest of you don’t
need to, it sucks. The worst place on Earth. It should be canceled honestly. Can you do that? Yeah, and I was
doing comedy in like a very small city, very
white, very Republican but I did comedy
there ’cause why not? And then as I finished
my set I got on the bus, the Greyhound bus to go back to Portland where I live ’cause I believe that the best art
comes from torture, you know? (audience laughs) And I was on the bus,
everything’s great. I’m just looking at my
phone, just scrolling down, I’m like I wonder what
Kevin has been up to lately. (audience laughs) And then I see people
wearing uniforms and they get on the bus and they start asking
people questions. And then one of them
looks at me and he’s like, “You don’t look like
you’re from here. “Where are you from? “Can we see your papers
and everything you have? “Now let’s step
outside of the bus.” And then I learned these
people were border patrol and it’s obviously
very disgusting because they asked
me to step outside of the bus based on the
way I looked, you know? They looked at me
and they were like this guy looks too handsome
to be from Spokane. Like he has most of his face. (audience laughs) And then they
looked at my papers and they’re like these
papers look fake, they’re easily falsified. And I was like these papers
have been given to me by you, so maybe do a better
job, I don’t know. That seems like a you
problem at this point. And then they were like,
“Okay buddy one more thing. “Are you from Oregon
or Washington?” And I was like I… support God. (audience laughs) And the way they looked at me, I don’t know man that’s
how I talk to militias. (laughter) (Comedy Central outro)

100 thoughts on “What to Say if You’re Interrogated by an Extremist Militia – Mohanad Elshieky – Stand-Up Featuring

  1. Dude if i closed my eyes and someone asked me to name the comedian, i would bet my dick it was Kumail Nanjiani with no question.

    I'd be one dickless man because of the worlds weirdest, most bizzare bet ever conjured up.

  2. Actually in france they're always changing people's names so that they sound more french. I don't even know how many times I had to say that my name is Sofia and not Sophie

  3. Milita : What is your occupation?
    Mo: Im a comedian!
    Militia : We have to shoot you now!

    Trooper: What is your occuoation
    Mo: Im a comedian!
    Trooper: Youre not funny …Guys he has a gun!!!!

  4. The structure of his show is absolutely amazing. I love it when comedians do running jokes within one set and end their act by connecting their last sentence to something they have mentioned at the very beginning. Absolutely brilliant. Love from Morocco.

  5. So Boarder Patrol for the most diverse, immigrant laden and inclusive society in the world patrolling and making sure everyone comes into this country legally (and there for) openly. Is some how the equivalent to religious extremists interrogating you about your beliefs and judging whether they're gonna let you leave or behead you on camera and send the video to your mother and all your friends? …..ok, just checking

  6. "So obviously I had to track him down and shoot him. Just to make a point." Brave. It was dead silent except for the one American in the crowd that saved us all by laughing.

  7. This dude: Hey can I copy your homework?
    Kumail Nanjiani: sure just don’t make it too obvious
    This dude: okay, I’ll just say I’m from Libya.

    Chill I’m joking. Though his jokes really sound like Kumail. His stuff sounds original and I find him funny (granted, I also find Kumail very funny so yeah

  8. "one thing that sucks about that thing is that people on there have opinions" yeah, and for some reason they think everyone wants to hear it

  9. This guys jokes are ok, his delivery sucks & his accents makes it sooo hard to understand, had to replay every joke 3-4 times. What a waste of my few minutes I’ll never get back. Smh

  10. The premise of your first joke is completely wrong Arthur in Spanish is Arturo, there are tons of names that have different pronunciation in different languages. There are countries with f**** different names in different languages.

  11. Spokane…. is a S hole… I can confirm, better then Everett if only for drugs being more expensive, you know cost of shipping from the port cities and all.

  12. I didn't realize he was the Portland comedian that got pulled over by ICE in Spokane until the end. Maybe the best thing that happened to his career. He is not super funny, but he does have a super interesting perspective for sure. Worth a watch.

  13. He said "i was doing comedy in spokane washington" i got excited until he said "that place should be cancelled" lol i was like well yeah thats fair

  14. Wow! Loved his set!! Very genuine….and loved his 'points', esp. in the end 😉 And Libyan, too!! Damn, he got out!! Good 4 him!

  15. him "Spokane sucks"
    me "screw you guy, Washington is great!"
    him "So I went back to Portland, where I live"
    me "Hell yeah, screw Spokane!"

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