Laughter is the Best Medicine

Who Got Semen on the Roomba? – Logan Guntzelman – Stand-Up Featuring

– Hello. I’m Logan, and I know that that’s an
unusual name for a woman. And the truth is, my
mom picked my name because she thought
that on paper, it would be harder for
people to tell my gender, and so it would be easier
for me to get jobs. And now, (audience laughing) everyone loves women. (audience laughing) Thank you, mom. I have a day job right now, I work for a cannabis
distribution startup, that’s my job. One “woo!” It’s always for weed and not me, but thank you. (audience laughing) I do, I work for a cannabis
distribution startup, which means, I’m a drug dealer. That’s it. I am a drug dealer. When I applied for the
job, they were like, “Send us your LinkedIn profile.” And I was like, “This
is a legitimate job.” (audience laughing) And then I was driving, in
the middle of the night, up the coast of California,
with a paper bag, filled with 50
thousand dollars cash, and I was like, “No, no, I’m a drug dealer.” (audience laughing) My drug dealing job, they keep firing people
and promoting me. And I keep telling them not to. (audience laughing) I’m now the head of
marketing for this company. The people that
laughed are correct. (audience laughing) At the meeting
where it happened, my boss, he came over,
he shook my hand, he said, “We’re so excited
to see the direction “you take this company.” And this is what I said back
to him, this is a direct quote. I said, “I’m only
going to let you down.” And I walked out of the room. (audience laughing) Yes. In my spare time I’ve been, I’ve been bangin’
a younger dude, that’s what I’ve been doing. (audience laughing) To the people that woo-ed,
I did not say how old yet. (audience laughing) Because he’s 12. No, come on. That’s not. It’s not that way. He’s 25, I’m 29. It is a stupid age gap though. Like I’ve been having to
learn how to use Snapchat, that’s exhausting. (audience laughing) And him and his
younger roommates, they’ve been introducing
me to new problems that I’ve never encountered. Like I went over the other day, and everyone was arguing
because someone had cum on the Roomba. (audience laughing) Sorry, in case you
didn’t hear me, (audience laughing) you know the circular
robot vacuum, it cleans your house for you, yeah, someone got cum on it. (audience laughing) And they were all
fighting over who did it, and I was way more hung
up on how it happened. (audience laughing) You know, I was like, “Was this an accident? “Was he in the throes
of passion with himself, “and the Roomba appeared?” Right? “Was it on purpose, “is this a fetish that
I’m unfamiliar with?” You know? Or the Roomba, which is a smart vacuum, was it trying to
anticipate the mass? (audience laughing) You know, catch that shit
like a football pass. (audience laughing) Also the 25 year old, he’s
the only male roommate living in the house. Like it was him, he did it. (audience laughing) He did it. (audience laughing) I’m sorry, I did talk
about cum a lot just now. Do you guys- are you
fans of dirty talk? Do you like it, are
you cool with it? (audience cheers) Yeah, okay, just
like six of you. Good. (audience laughing) I like dirty talk but I
don’t like it for the reason I think you’re
supposed to like it. Like I don’t like dirty
talk because it turns me on, I like dirty talk because I
think that it’s informative. (audience laughing) I can explain. I was hooking up with a guy, and I couldn’t tell if
we were just hooking up or if we were moving
towards a relationship. Pretty nerve wracking. And then, on a random Saturday, he invited me over
at around 7 PM. Which is a weird time. (audience laughing) Because I was like,
am I going to go over, we’re going to bang it out, he’s going to have me
leave, he’s going to
go about his night, I’m going to feel
used, you know? (audience laughing) And we start hooking up, and things are getting
pretty hot and heavy, and he leans in and he whispers, “I’m going to fuck
you all night.” And I thought, “Oh good, I’m
going to be here all night.” (audience laughing) Like I think I just
came from sheer relief. (audience laughing) He was like, “Baby, you’re
going to be so full of my cum you won’t be hungry for
breakfast tomorrow.” (audience laughing) And I was like, “We’re
getting breakfast!” (audience laughing) Yeah, you guys seem
warmed up enough, so I’m going to talk
about my period, now. (audience laughing) So the day I got my first
ever period was the same day that Katharine Hepburn died. (audience laughing) I’m sorry if you’re
just finding out. (audience laughing) And my mom said to me, “A great woman leaves the world, (audience laughing) “and a great woman enters it.” Which, what if that
was how periods worked? (audience laughing) What if for a girl
to get her period, a grown woman had to die? (audience laughing) A girl would feel
her her first period, she’d be like, “Oh no. Oh no.” (audience laughing) I’ll confess, I’m
not a good woman. I don’t know if
that’s clear yet. Like, I did not go to
the last Women’s March. Didn’t go to it. I went to Planned
Parenthood instead, because I knew there
would not be a wait. (audience laughing) I do have to give
it to you guys, you took that way better than they did in
Huntsville, Alabama. (audience laughing) So that’s good on you. I did, I went to
Planned Parenthood, and they sat me down,
and they were like, “Alright, do you
primarily have sex with “men, women, or both?” I was like, “Men.” And they were like, “And do
those men you have sex with “primarily have sex with
men, women, or both?” And I was like, “If all the
men I’m having sex with, “as a group, “are primarily having
sex with other men…” And then I was like, “Oh
that is my vibe, 100%, yep.” (audience laughing) It does seem like 99% of the
time the dudes I’m fucking are fucking other dudes, and then once in a blue moon, Logan. (audience laughing) I’m going to, I’ll tell
you one more thing, one more story about my mom, and then I am going to
go vape in the bathroom. (audience laughing) So, when I was in college
I went to community college and I took night classes. And my mom was worried that
I was going to get murdered in the parking lot. So her solution was to
just take classes with me. (audience laughing) We took the “History
of the Jew in America,” that was one. (audience laughing) And you know we are Jews,
but it’s always good to, you know, freshen up, so
that’s why we did that. (audience laughing) And the first day the professor
did the classic thing where he asks why everyone’s
taking the class, and he gets to my mom, he’s
like, “Why are you taking it?” And she said, “Oh, I
thought it would be fun “for me and my daughter.” He goes, “oh,
great” and moves on. And he gets to me, he’s like,
“Why are you taking it?” I was like, “Oh, I’m Jewish
but I wasn’t Bat Mitzvahed, “and I don’t know that
much about our history, “so I thought this would
be, you know, a great way “to reconnect with my roots.” And he goes, “oh,
fantastic” and he moves on. And then my mom leans over
to me, and she whispers, “What are you, a
fucking suck up?” (audience laughing) Have any of you guys ever
been bullied by your mom at school?

100 thoughts on “Who Got Semen on the Roomba? – Logan Guntzelman – Stand-Up Featuring

  1. Her cadence, comfort on stage and perfectly timed misdirection are that of a 15-20 year comic.

    Can't wait to see more.

  2. Female comic? Better talk about sex and periods. Does anything else ever rattle around in a woman's bird-like mind?

  3. Last joke hit me. My mom was my gym teacher once. Imagine being on punishment at school. Can't play in gym class with the rest of the kids cuz I'm grounded! TF

  4. 8 min and 27 seconds of my life I wish I’d spent watching Randy Quaid take a dump after a 3 day coke binge rather than this.

  5. At what point did literal verbal porn as a public act become not just totally accepted and promoted, but also considered the essence of comedy, and even more so, women's comedy?

  6. with THAT deadpan look😄 it was weally hawd to tell if whethew it was just jokes.. ow fow weal😆
    mostly it was all real though🙃👍

  7. Poor Rumba minding its business and then gets that. Especially considering its job is to clean and now the machine always feel dirty.

  8. We getting the ground floor view of a future star?! She seems pretty polished. Her monotone works really well. Such good vibes

  9. Bye. I knew just a matter of time before the HOMO talk. I never listen to female comedians. Haha. Gotta find Jim Jeffries.

  10. I liked the days when they just got funny people, rather than midget lesbian feminazis, or whatever creepy category this dull woman fulfills.

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