I’m telling you right now that the winner of this conversation is the one who says “Batman is the best, and you’re an idiot.” “Batman’s the best-” -and you’re an idiot, I already said it. See? I already won; or Batman-ed this conversation. Salt please. You’re seeing the Bat with rose-tinted Bat-goggles. There’s room for improvement. You’re blinded by your love of schoolyard heroics, Bowie. But I’ve got some pretty convincing evidence. Stakes? Loser buys dinner? Ooo! One, two- what are we talking about tonight? Whether or not Batman is actually bad for Gotham City. Oh! Three! Gaaah! Fuuuu- Gotham is still one of the most consistently dangerous cities in America. He doesn’t cause the crime in Gotham, he’s there because of it. Everything tastes of the sea! Yar! In Dark Knight, Gordon says sometimes Batman’s so busy stopping other crimes that he never even gets to the Bat Signal. He’s been Batman-ing for years and there’s still enough crime to keep him occupied 24/7? How much good could he really be doing? That’s one version of Batman, it’s a whole pantheon of Batmen, really, you can’t just- In the awesome animated series, he never put a single bad guy away successfully. I mean, long term. Yeah, Joker, Croc, Riddler, I mean, no matter how many times he puts them away they always get out. Nah, that’s on Arkham, not Batman. Would you blame cops if our prison systems failed? Fine then, let’s forget Batman’s statistical uselessness as a crime fighter and let’s think about Bruce Wayne’s uselessness as a businessman. How much is Wayne Enterprises worth again? 31.3 billion. Thirty- According to a Forbes article. Of fictional corporations. In 2007. Stop it. Dispensing the information or… talking like this? (Soren and Katie) Both! I think Dan has aspergers. But I mean, look at that, over 30 billion dollars- 31.3. Quick! How many? Bruce Wayne could do far more as philanthropist than he ever could as a superhero. Gotham doesn’t need a costumed vigilante, what it needs is comprehensive socio-economic reform which he could easily provide. True. His parents did a whole lot more for Gotham than he did. They built that railway system to help the poor get to their low-paying jobs easier. Oh you mean the one that Batman blew up in Batman Begins? (Young Bruce) Did you build this train, dad? Right, and he could have easily fixed it, but instead decided to add a bunch of train-wrecking rockets to all of his stuff. ‘Cause I guess movies about repairing damaged rail lines don’t “move tickets.” Actually, that sounds awful, I would boycott that. But if Bruce Wayne really wanted to help out Gotham, he could, I don’t know, rebuild the city, develop charities- He does have charities! The Thomas and Martha Wayne foundations. “S”, plural! Two foundations! All for show. Okay, in The Dark Knight, he uses every single cell phone in the city as a sonar device. Imagine what those resources could do for charity. Are you saying that Batman doesn’t want to help Gotham? Oh I think he does, but I think he wants to dress up and punch bad guys a whole lot more. And I just wish he would admit it. You wish the fictional character would admit… something? Maybe Katie has aspergers! No, I want his real life counterpart to admit it. Not gonna happen. Bill Gates is a billionaire with a charity, is he bad for America because he hasn’t fixed the world yet? Yeah! Batman is better than Bill Gates, is that what we’ve been trying to prove, why is it taking so long? If it is, than I object- Over-fucking-ruled. Saying that Bill Gates is better than Batman gives me the right to hit you, Dan. I’m just saying as a CEO, Gates is better than Wayne. What happens in Batman Begins? So many- a lot- it was a long movie. He orders his Batsuit via Wayne Enterprises but he a) orders the bat ears separately to avoid suspicion, and b) orders them in bulk to disguise it as a business expense. Wait, what kind of company can buy 5,000 individual bat ears to AVOID suspicion? I thought Wayne Enterprises was just in weapons, oil refineries, health care, fringe cosmetics, and plant science. I mean bat ears? That seems crazy. But on topic, he’s a guy who’s using his company to secretly purchase personal items. An embezzler. Actually sounds like a silver age Batman villain. The Embezzler! He uses investors money to dress up like a bat and punch clay monsters. It’s the same as some Enron CEO using his company money to buy a yacht. It is VERY different. Not if the yacht is bat shaped. No, it’s the same thing, a rich guy funding his hobby. How- you- [growl of frustration]! He’s gone mad with aspergers! What kind of message is that? Sorry kids, don’t work hard, ‘cause the rich guy is always gonna have the advantage. Bruce Wayne works hard! Gordon and Batman both work hard to help the world but only one of them has to file paperwork and obey the system, while the other one gets to expense smoke bombs and plow Catwoman and it has nothing to do with who “worked harder.” Whaaaat? You guys don’t expense smoke bombs? How… how are you paying for your smoke bombs…? Gordon, and the rest of Gotham city, are at the mercy of the guy with the biggest bank account. Look at the score- At best he’s an embezzler. Look at the score- You know, at worst, he’s some sort of militaristic tyrant- Look at the fucking scoreboard! Ha ha ha… How many times has Batman saved Gotham from total annihilation? He’s stopped nukes, killer penguins, global freeze rays; without Batman, Gotham is a crater. Clearly Soren wanted this more, so let’s all just- So we should just let the military run America? Huh? Oh boy. Oh no no no no no, not the military, how about the guy with the most money based on his personal moral code? He should rule us! Yeah, he does rule! He rules hard! We’re not talking about Big Brother here, we’re talking about a man who single-handedly stopped the Joker from blowing up a whole boat full of innocent people. He stopped the Joker by spying on the entire city of Gotham, how is that not Big Brother? Ha ha… I wish this would stop. Shut the fuck up! Need I remind you that he saved Gordon and a child? Need I remind you that he murdered the district attorney and then lied about the circumstances surrounding it! For the good of Gotham! When one person bends the law for their perception of the greater good, where does it end? We appoint Batman judge, jury, and executioner when we need justice. When we no longer need him, he will retire, those are the rules! Why don’t you just admit that Batman is a violent, maladjusted sociopath who’s using his parent’s death as an excuse for him to work out his aggression?! Why don’t you admit that… Shut up! (Soren) You good? (Katie) Yeah… Who put 31 sugar packets on the floor?