Laughter is the Best Medicine

Why Speed Dating Is Terrible – People Watching #1

So tell me about yourself I’m really lonely, but I’m worried the more desperate you are the less attractive that makes you so it’s kind of a Yeah So where did you grow up? Hey, how’s it going? Never really done this kind of thing before. I have. I’ve done it way too many goddamn times. I’m about at the point where I want to just start masturbating under the table while maintaining eye contact just to see if anyone notices. I… I see. Sorry, just jaded. You do these events and you meet the same people over and over or rather you don’t meet them because everyone’s generically trying to appeal to the largest number of people and it just feels, so pointless Sorry Why come them? Because the people I meet at work are the worst? And because approaching a stranger in a bar is just prejudice in a flowery typeface. I sure wouldn’t date anyone where I work. What do you- Stripper. Not because it was the only avenue for me or because I just needed to pay for school But because I genuinely like being naked in front of large groups of people, despite the cognitive dissonance of that situation necessitating the kind of audience that immorally thinks the human body is inherently taboo. You sure are, uh, forthcoming. You sure are still talking to me because a certain level of conventional beauty mitigates an equal level of craziness. Look, compatibility is based on specificity right? So tonight I thought I’d be as specific as possible as a shortcut to eliminating everyone who’s not a good match. So you’ve got all your potential matches right and then either I can say hi! My name is Joan, and I took economics in school, and I really like movies, and I believe you’ve already met my giant rack. And then I’m going to be here all goddamn night. Or… I can say hi. My stage name is Candy and don’t you hate it when you’re sliding naked down a pole in front of the kind of businessmen who are ruining the country, and one of them throws a 5 and someone used a sharpie to make the guy in the bill -I don’t know his name- look like spock and you have to fight not to burst until after in the middle of your twerk routine Because it would humanize you and that’s worse for business in a way that your cellulite only dreams of. And yes, I just narrowed the dating field down to people with a stripper fetish, But hopefully there’s also a couple people who heard the nuances of what I was saying or the way I was saying it or even my willingness to say it and regardless of my career choices something fundamentally resonated which is who you want to be dating thus, radical honesty. I mean it’s supposed to be speed dating right? This just makes it, like, warp speed dating It was probably some to it. I mean basically all I heard there were the two references to Star Trek so right on, eh. My favorite series is Voyager. What kind of music you like? Oh, I don’t know I like stuff from a bunch of different genres, I guess. Wow Risky strategy, that’s for sure. Is it though? If I tell every potential date that I think the criminal justice system should be restructured so multiple accusations of sexual assault against one individual are classified as evidence and the high percentage of convictions introduced by this fundamental change would outweigh small number of false convictions, then I’m weeding out entire groups. People who think sexual assault is no big deal, people who hate women with opinions, people who hate new ideas, people who can’t handle differences of opinion or even just people who think I’m an idiot because they have the experience to know better, and so who’s left? Sociopaths who don’t listen to what I’m saying regardless of what it is because to them I’m just barbie with shorter legs? But then also people who appreciate either my sentiment or my motivations. You whittle it down, you’re still here, so which group are you? The too polite to leave until the seven minutes are up, even though staying when you don’t like the person isn’t really polite, Group. ah right, them too. What do you like to do? Oh, I like traveling and food festivals and live music but not country and I like drinks with friends and taking photos. Like I kinda want to be- be a photographer maybe and I also like staying in staying in and just chilling sometimes, but like whatever works, I guess. Oh, me too! We have so much in common, eh? What do I like to do? I don’t know. Watch Youtube videos about Russian prisons or people who died doing BDSM? And then either half-heartedly masturbate or read shitty 80s Sci-Fi paperbacks or both at once until one becomes more engrossing than the other but either way kills three hours. You don’t want to finish too fast, it’s supposed to be about the journey right? Yourself? Ummm Cooking? Yeah, I just eat hot dogs and shit. I figured the time you save by not cooking will roughly equal the extra years you’d live if you spent that time preparing actually healthy meals so it’s a zero-sum game or I just don’t give a shit because I’m vain as fuck and when I’m old and ugly I won’t want to live anyway, I forget which. Next. You’re trying what now? Just being like really specific instead of general, I guess. You know when you see a couple and you ask him. Oh, what do you like about her? and he’s like well, she’s so beautiful instead of naming an actual personality trait? And then eventually they’re someone’s miserable grandparents? Like the opposite of that, I guess. Radical honesty, maybe? I’m weird and alone and I figured I’d try and be upfront about basically everything and hopefully find someone who likes those differences… kind of, thing. So I’m guessing that’s why the first thing you said was, uh- Yeah, that’s why I’m leading off with hi, my name is Jeremy, and I’m a virgin. I’m completely sex positive though, I mean I’ve never been in space, but I’m definitely pro astronaut. But that’s like, so risky. Yeah, well, I mean, you’re obviously horrified but for someone who wasn’t these seven minutes would be flying past instead of not. I don’t know It’s like I can date someone and wish they were a certain way or I can just say hi! I’m looking for someone who thinks that two people reading quietly counts as doing something together and then maybe actually find someone who thinks that. You only need to be attractive to one person, right? Yeah, totally. How’s it going? Bad! Horrible! Oh my God. Holy fuck! Why was I born? The shame! Ah! I’m bald! I’m bald! Aah- Good yourself. [That seems risky. Don’t you think you’re giving people too big of a hurdle?] [oh, I know.] You can go best foot forward to get yourself in the door after which it’s easier to have your quirks overlooked once they emerge or you can do the opposite where a Bait-And-switch is impossible but then you’re faced with a possible condition that you have insufficient bait to catch anyone. I guess I’m just theorizing that whatever Idiosyncrasies sits alone in one’s Pandora’s box is enough to attract someone fundamentally compatible. Mmm. Plus the longer they’re inside the door the harder it is to break up with them even if they’re entirely wrong for you, eh? Well, exactly. See you get it. God I wish it was gay. Huh! I know. Me too. All right, I should get back in there nice meeting you actually. Godspeed. So tell me about yourself. You know what? it’s like this: I’m super nice, but I can be unavailable for weeks at a time due to anxiety and depression so whoever I end up with has to believe that the good times make the bad times worth it. I’m just going to lead off with that. Okay, then No, you know what? Seriously, thanks for being so upfront that’s really cool, actually. Thanks. [You just have to forget about the awkwardness of failing.] The system objectively doesn’t work so you change the system Oh, God. You’re one of them. Do I even dare ask who you think should pay on the first date? The restaurant should pay because they principally make money off alcohol so promotion where you let first daters eat for free would be a fun way to get business and publicity while also helping out a bunch of nervous young people who have enough to worry about who are probably broke anyway. That is… actually, not bad. What’s on your mind? I’m really sick of feeling like a weirdo outsider when I don’t deserve to. It’s the assholes who should feel like they don’t matter. It’s the racist pieces of shit who don’t belong. They’re the ones who should feel like society isn’t for them. They’re the ones who should be wallowing and self-doubt and alienation. I’m sick of good people feeling bad and bad people feeling good. That’s what’s on my mind. Fuck. Good answer. Radical honesty? fine, uh I secretly want to find someone who’s into watching bullfighting as much as I am. See! And now you’re horrified! [Yeah] but if I wasn’t horrified to the core of my being right now this would be a huge moment for you, right? Focus on that. You know what? Fuck it! I like two things: the beach and pegging. I like two things: the beach and pegging. I like two things: the beach and pegging. I like, two things: the beach and pegging. Oh my God. Really? [But even if honesty doesn’t work] it’s about the journey, you know? You put yourself out there in a risky way, and yeah, you get a predictable amount of stares, but you also learn a lot about yourself just saying stuff out loud and hearing how it sounds and realizing that you agree with yourself. You aren’t just thinking it. And it’s nice. I mean, we’re constantly being told that if it’s not success then it’s failure, but that’s bullshit. Maybe the entire focus of dating should be to get a greater sense of self acceptance, and then maybe that’ll make you attractive to the kind of person who finds that attractive. The kind of person who’s like smart and sexually confident. And who thinks two people reading in the same room at the same time counts as doing something together. And you talk in a similar way, and you kind of feel like you’re from the same from the same time in place. [But it’s like even if you do every damn thing] to put yourself out there, you still might never meet them just due to luck. There’s only so much you can control. So, hopefully, you can at least get something out of the search, you know? Yeah, no, that’s cool actually. If I can be honest, I don’t really feel the right chemistry here But if I’m willing to tell you that then at least hopefully that means you’ll believe me when I also say I really respect your honesty and what you’re saying, and I genuinely wish you all the best in your search. Thanks, and yeah. You too. Godspeed. I hope you find what you’re looking for. I mean, that’s why we’re all here, right? (music) love is not a running race if you want to lay me down, then be sweetly ’cause now you left me with the bitter taste I get so removed when you treat me like you do I’m so over you ’cause everything I do is no good for you I’m no good for you. Hi guys, I’m Natalia. I play Candy on people watching. You can go check us out on Facebook.

100 thoughts on “Why Speed Dating Is Terrible – People Watching #1

  1. In a just world, this would win an oscar for best short and a lot more. It's funny. It's insightful. It's touching.

    I'm absolutely not compatible with that stripper, and I disagree with a lot of what she says, but I'd LOVE to be friends and hang out with her and listen to her thoughts.

  2. The "two people reading together" scenario didn't make sense until I watched this video. I still don't think it counts as doing something together because when I think of doing something together I think of interacting in some type of way but then it occurred to me that if you replace "reading" with say something more interesting like video games or exercising it's the same principle. You can do it separately but it's still nice I guess. I also recognize that I personally prefer to be alone if I'm not giving my attention to the person I'm with. I'm not drawn to the idea of being in a the vicinity of a person that I like and not interacting with them directly, it just seems pointless like going to the mall and trying on clothes but not buying anything that you like even though you have the money.
    Tl;dr: I understand now that some people appreciate stationary company while I appreciate more direct interaction.

  3. English isn't my first language and i feel so bad for not being able to keep up with the dialog. İ know there are super important and good stuff she's saying but i can't pick it all up and think about it so i just forget everything as soon as the video ends :'( i should watch each episode of their series with sub titles cuz i really wanna know what they're actually talking about

  4. I tought speed dating is something that is made up for movies, like a parody? It that really a thing anywhere?

  5. Obnoxious “jaded” pseudo intellectuals need to be reminded to shut the fuck up. The main character stripper bitch is obnoxious and extremely basic.

  6. The ginger dude with the beard had really good things to say on it. I'm glad he didn't get with that pseudo intellectual blonde. She's clearly a closet asshole.

  7. Two people readying quietly counts as doing something together, I've never seen another person besides myself describe that!!!

  8. I was weary when I noticed this was a Cracked video, expecting the usual down play of emotions and people and things. Still watched it.

    Was pleasantly surprised with what it actually is. Wow.

  9. This video gave me the courage to go Speed Dating and be open and honest as much as possible. Just found out I got two matches!

  10. I like that they took awhile to perfectly set up the ending and then just rip it away from you. It’s very sobering and bittersweet, I dig it

  11. it's not her "insightful observations" or "intelligence" that throws people off, it's her unwillingness to give anybody a chance and her I dont give a shit and my high standards are impossible for anyone, at least anyone who'd show up to speed dating in this specific area type of attitude that doesn't attract the same generic people she keeps meeting.

  12. I'm sorry, but the majority of strippers do NOT talk like her. Even I can barely keep up with her hyper-educated standpoints. And PLEASE dont think I am saying all strippers are idiots with no education, I am just speaking for the ones I have met personally. They were all either junkies, morons, SEVERE victims who DESPERATELY needed help but refused to get it, or all of the above combined.

  13. “Using multiple sexual misconduct accusations as evidence”, sounds kinda like mob rule but whatever floats your boat

  14. Call me a hater. I read this guy's comics as a teenager and they never sat right with me. Very opinionated – opinionated but boring – obsessed with what's cool – hypercritical – sarcastic. I see he has become a skilled animator and has a real polish to his productions here, but I personally don't appreciate the substance though I appreciate the style. I would realistically hate to meet this guy's perfect woman, Candy: she would condescend to me and belittle the things I like to do, and launch into prepared diatribes that preempt criticisms I hadn't made… it would be just a brick wall of a conversation, realistically speaking.

  15. Jesus Christ. The writers of this show have come up with something magical. I've never had a 10 minute video make me contemplate what I'm doing with my life. It's honestly magical.

  16. new generation figuring things out for themselves after destroying everything deemed "old." Probably end up in the same place but with different outfits.. stupid.

  17. I watched it and once you ignore the ugly art style, you'll notice how boring it is. I haven't even chuckled once, Jesus.

  18. The problem with people like this blonde and redhead is that they actually don't like anyone but themselves.
    I know they are a fictional characters, but i met exact same people irl a lot.
    They build their whole personalities around small counter-culture details and certain behavior archetypes. Their ideology and philosophy always built around childish nihilism or rebellion against modern society, despite modern society being the reason who they are right now. And when it comes to relationships with other people, they always have nearly impossible-to-fit requirements to everyone else but themselves.
    They legitimately think that their world view is the only true one and you have to accept it(and every and each one of their weird fetishes) or you are a bad person by default. Which means, they won't accept you, if your views even slightly don't match. These people don't want a relationships, because relationships is a hard work of understanding and accepting completely different human being with it's own feelings and thoughts. They just want to see their mirror-image in front of them, to jerk off.

  19. They all need still more tats. So their corpses look better after they all starve to death in the coming climate change induced bad harvests.

  20. For most YouTube videos I find myself watching in x1.5 or x2 speed, but the dialogue is so intelligently written in this show that I often have to rewind or even slow down to x0.5 to comprehend it

  21. It's about being yourself and not putting on mask. There are two peeps out there : true people and actors. Embrace your weirdness

  22. il be honest im 14 want to get good grades want to work with reptiles and am obsessed with hurting myself if it means i can help someone progress throgh their life.

  23. I refuse to see that as the end.

    June 3 mis match of the people from the night before and the tome before that with a splash of some new faces.

    Brutal up front honesty try two. They got through the motions of explaining there procedure and then one person after another they end up at the others table.

    Happy ending thats it.

  24. Play Candy’s parts at .75 speed if you want to get everything she’s saying. It really helped me with the part about sex offender accusations.

  25. I went to an event like this a few days ago. I was the best dressed person there. I got bored after two women and I left with no matches.

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